tired!

Is it so surprising?
I study quite a lot from Mondays through to Wednesdays, perhaps on average 6-7h. Thursdays I work, and Friday I might study some more, and I try to get the week-end “off” (Saturday I have some private students and Sunday is split between choir and chores). Studying for a whole day is very exhausting, especially because a lot of my study involves reading lengthy texts, some of which are quite technical. Also because right now I am taking a unit on humanitarian resettlement and some of the stories I have read are emotionally challenging to come to terms with.

Today I read this report, published by Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch, about the conditions asylum seekers and refugees live in, in the detention centre on Nauru. This is of interest to me because the Australian government sends those asylum seekers there, because the Australian government does not want anyone (who doesn’t own identity documents as well as a visa) on the territory – so it sends the people away. As the report shows, the asylum seekers and refugees are treated in the most inhumane way possible – this treatment, added to the despair of waiting for a visa which will likely never come – causes many of them to become depressed and attempt suicide. In fact, two have lit themselves on fire and died. Australia cannot send these people back to their own country because that would be a breach of the Convention on he Status of Refugees, which Australia is a signatory of. However, that Australia keeps people in indefinite detention, and that these detention centres provides little mental and health care, is a violation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

I am disgusted and almost under shock. I have since signed the petition and am wondering what I can do, as a 22 year old Australian citizen, to make a change. I think I will spend the next few days coming up with some sort of action plan. Perhaps I can write a letter to my local representative. Luckily, my writing skills are reasonable and I can voice ideas quite strongly if I take enough care. Perhaps I can do a video to educate others …

By the way, in case you did not know, there IS a difference between an asylum seeker and a refugee. A refugee basically has the right to international protection under the UNHCR’s mandate – they have applied to be a refugee and the local authority has agreed that they meet the criteria to be a refugee under the Convention’s criteria. An asylum seeker is someone who has left their country of origin but is not yet recognised as a refugee. Think of it as everyone starts off as an asylum seeker and only after a process termed Refugee Status Determination, they can become a refugee (assuming they meet the criteria).

So anyway, I am reading a lot about this stuff at the moment, which is fascinating (I am highly interested by the refugee issue), but at the same time it is a little sobering.

To make matters worse, my younger sister has been feeling back and leg pains the past month and as they are not going away we’re starting to worry that her cancer is coming back. It doesn’t look very good at the moment … I had to take her to the hospital today for a doctor’s appointment. As x-rays showed nothing, the doctor has prescribed a bone scan, which should hopefully tell if anything is the matter. My sister has been cancer free for about 2 years I think. Yes, that is about right. I just hope it isn’t anything serious, but why would she get pain if there’s nothing to worry about? I’m a little scared. Especially because there might not be much the doctors will be able to do to save her if she has relapsed … I guess we will find out sort of soonish. “Hopefully”. I remember in 2013 she would complain about pains (also in her back) and they would be so painful that she would yell out in pain … it was actually a little annoying, and we would ask her to be quiet, because obviously we had no idea it was leukaemia … then one night she just couldn’t get to sleep and she was crying and yelling out so loud, keeping everyone awake, so we called one of these after-hours doctors that come to your home. The doctor had one look at her and said, “this is really serious, you need to get her to the hospital as soon as you can”. It was 11pm that night and my dad took her to the children’s hospital and she stayed there for a week straight, doing all sorts of tests and scans, until the final diagnosis of acute lymphoblastic leukaemia was confirmed … and the intensive chemo began …

So I am not exactly in the mood to accept the cancer a second time, let alone how we would cope as a family. Back in the day it wasn’t too difficult on me. My mum would be the primary caregiver of my sister, visiting her at the hospital most days and bringing her food to eat. However a lot has changed since. My mum is sick herself and unable to drive, especially not long distances and in heavy traffic. If anything was really the matter and my sister required to stay over night at the hospital, some type of solution would have to be agreed upon between my dad, my older sister and I … and I hope that won’t have too much impact on my current past-times, interests, workload etc.

But perhaps I am over thinking and nothing is wrong.

On Sunday I was in a really good mood, and XXX and I were going to Skype. However he went busking and then got caught up chatting to people on Venice Beach, so our call was cancelled. We talked yesterday though. In fact we had a few moments of awkward silence, I don’t know why … I was waiting for him to ask about me. But he just didn’t really. He was happy to talk about himself, and what he’d been up to in California. I guess with him being away it means he has priority to talk first? And talk about himself? I don’t know. It sort of made me sad that he didn’t ask about my life. And also I could hear that he was clicking on his laptop so he was obviously doing something else at the same time as talking to me, and that made me sad too. But also I was tired yesterday from not getting to sleep until half past midnight and waking up at 7am and studying all morning.

And then of course today he posted two videos on Facebook. One of him when he was busking on Venice Beach. Of course I watched it and like the first thing I noticed was that a girl had filmed him, because you could definitely hear her voice. I just got jealous, a little. And the other video is of him playing music with a girl. And I just got jealous again. It really annoys me that I do but I think I know why I do. Obviously it has to do with feeling insecure (am I ever good enough to love??? Are the other girls better than me????) … but also I think it has to do with the fact that I cannot personally be friends with a guy without falling in love with them!! And maybe I apply the same principle to XXX (ie. he will eventually fall in love with his lady friends), but I shouldn’t.

I remember when he first told me about him going to California, I got all sorts of weird worries. I’d ask myself what if he likes it so much he wants to move there in the future? Or what if he meets someone and decides to move there permanently to be with this person? Well he has said he likes the place and that he’d love to move there next year, so yay that’s obviously great, isn’t it. I guess I can’t be sure exactly if he meant it, or if he still feels that way. And as for the second worry … well, I don’t know either. You know, I don’t even know if he loves me. If only he TOLD me!!! And I remember on Sunday I was in such a good mood, I was ready to say “I love you” over Skype …. and came Monday, I had no more energy nor motivation to say it, I don’t know why. Anyway, XXX and I have never told each other the three-word sentence and I don’t know if we ever will. We keep saying we really like each other and that’s as far as we’ve gone.

Anyways, so I am not in the brightest of spirits at the moment. I am deep in my studies which are fascinating but confronting at times; I am trying not to get too worried about my sister’s health; I am not happy with myself for feeling jealous; I worry I am not good enough (this is especially hard because I am everything I want to be!!!! I do my best at being caring, thoughtful, good, kind, inspirational, respectful, gentle, trustworthy …); and I’m very tired physically as well.

Well hopefully the next post will bring good rather than bad news.

ramblin’ about love (of course).

Since my last post, the main event that’s taken place is that my beloved mentee, friend and host brother Cutie Pie has left as his exchange came to an end. I got the chance to meet his parents, who are both such nice people. Then on Sunday morning my mother and I dropped Cutie Pie off at the airport. They were quite tight on time after checking in so the good-bye was very quick, barely any time to register he was going and that I probably won’t see my sweetheart for at least one year, if not two. I shed no tears, but on the way home I had a knot in my throat. I was a tad disappointed that Cutie Pie hadn’t written me a good-bye letter as he had said he would; even though I was aware his last few days here were very busy with meeting people for lunch or dinner to say good-bye. But he made up for it because after his domestic flight he wrote me a nice long message over FB, pretty much thanking me for everything I had done for him this past year, and also expressing that he enjoyed my company. I have not heard from him since.

On Monday, his sister and boyfriend had arrived so I met them in the city in the late afternoon and showed them around. We spent around three hours together and it was so nice. They were at the airport early the next morning to join the rest of the family …

And so that’s the ‘end’ of my story with Cutie Pie for now. I cannot believe how fast this one year has gone. It feels like only yesterday that I was getting nervous at the idea of meeting him. I am so surprised how the Universe brought me and Cutie Pie together. Isn’t it so amazing? He came from Bern and of all countries he could have gone to for exchange, he ended up here in Australia; not only that, but in MY district, and in MY club. What was the chance of that happening! And it was weird how my club appointed me as his mentor when I had no idea what being a mentor was all about (but from the feedback I got, I did a good job). It really gave Cutie Pie and I the opportunities to bond and become great friends. And if anyone could see how we interacted towards the end of the exchange, they would know that we grew quite close in a way. Emotionally speaking, I still feel like Cutie Pie was very reserved – I mean, I never learnt any of his secrets (the things I am most curious about, lol). But he was definitely his real, authentic, weird, annoying self around me, which I’m very happy about.

I have started writing him a letter and I will post it in a few months’ time … I will aim to write to him every once in a while. He enjoyed my letters (I wrote him many).

As for XXX, he’s still in California, busy doing his things. I’ll be Skyping with him on Monday. YAY!!! I can’t wait until he gets back; life is so dull without him around!!

But in case you didn’t know, a part of me was very attracted to Cutie Pie because he is literally one of the most handsome/beautiful person I have ever come across. He’s so tall and his hair is golden coloured and soo smooth and soft; his face is like perfect —- his eyes, omgosh I am in love with his eyes. It’s really a shame I never got to kiss him. Oh also I loved touching his skin (does anyone else love touching someone else’s skin or am I just weird?), it was always so soft and warm (and my hands would always be freezing). One time we were watching a movie and Cutie Pie and I were sitting next to each other on the couch, and somehow I ended up sort of holding his hand (that’s right – we must have been fighting and neither him nor I let go of each other’s hand) and I just started stroking his hand gently … yes, I was slightly infatuated with him! And then a little later he started fighting me again to the point that he was lying on top of me, and I’d wrap my arms around his waist and hold him against me … (the maturity between us! lol). But on another evening, we were having dinner with my parents, and as usual Cutie Pie sat next to me and I’m not sure how it happened either but he started stroking my hand too, it was so sweet! An I remember thinking to myself, “OMG is he actually touching my hand???!!! ACT NORMAL!!!!” lol. And this other time he again fought me and threw me on the couch and threw himself on top of me and I held him down and then stroked his hair … in all honesty, I don’t know if he was just teasing me as a sister or if he was looking for anything more. I remember asking him (in the middle of a fight), whether or not he had treated his other host sisters the same way, and he’d replied in the negative. I don’t know why he treated me any differently. I’d wishfully assume my ‘special’ treatment was because he had something for me; but when I mentioned wanting to kiss him he had a negative reaction. Maybe he wasn’t ready for it? Perhaps in the future … Although it’s highly likely that in the future I will be dating XXX. But I don’t know, maybe not.
And what about the time he legit lifted me up in his arms? He was obviously trying to show off his strength … (but I was worried he’d break his back). I honestly don’t know if he ever — how to phrase — liked me in a romantic way. I wish I could know …

And there were times I felt so close to kissing him, too; that didn’t help with the crush. We were fighting one time and I was pretty much sitting on top of him and I leaned closer and closer to his face because I was trying to grab his phone, which he was holding out; I really could have kissed him then (it did cross my mind). One night I was playing piano (his favourite piece) and he came from behind me, and sort of bent over and looked at me and his face was so close that again all I could think of was kissing him (and I probably blushed). And that one time after a Rotary meeting (jeez, this goes back to last year!!!) where we kept walking closer and closer towards each other until our faces were like 10cms apart. But I will never forget how one time as he got out of my car, he said, “Kiss kiss” and even made kissing sounds, and I was like, *omg does he want to kiss me?????* like why on Earth would you even say that if it wasn’t on your mind!!! Imagine if he wanted to kiss me all this time!!! And it just never happened!! 😦

He did admit he wasn’t mature enough for emotional things … I’m not certain what he meant by that but perhaps that was exactly it you know, like not mature enough to act on his feelings for me? I don’t know.

Anyway, that’s enough ramblings – makes up for my lack of posting hey! I’ll miss my baby, my Cutie Pie, my annoying host brother, my mentee, my boxing coach, my handsome charming young man who has such a genuine, caring and loving heart inside …

blue and sad and tired

Good evening everyone.

I’ll say honestly I haven’t been feeling the best recently. I’m constantly tired, lethargic … I have these huge eye-bags that make me look very ugly and then I feel bad for looking so bad … My doctor advised me to do a full blood count because often lack of iron makes one tired (and I was low on iron at the beginning of the year) but the results showed my iron levels are within the healthy range so there doesn’t seem to be any “physical” reason for my tiredness.
I don’t know myself exactly what is wrong, or whether there is anything wrong in the first place. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been doing as much as I have been doing? But then that’s not really true, I’ve been quite busy the past few weeks. I think maybe it’s a little burn out from the constant stress I had the past five months? I cannot tell, but I am simply exhausted, very often. Last Saturday I even had to cancel my students’ lessons because I was physically ill from tiredness (I was throwing up, which happens when I am extremely tired).
On Wednesday morning I met Cutie Pie’s parents and we went for a little tour around the city. Yesterday we had lunch at a botanic park. Cutie Pie is leaving on Sunday morning … Obviously it’s making me feel slightly depressed. Maybe that’s been affecting my health a little. Or a lot. It’s hard to tell. I don’t know. He’s having a party right now with his high school friends and I’ve been hiding my room. I came out to grab dinner and he came to find me, asked me if everything was alright, he cooked me a sausage, asked me a second and third time if everything was alright and when I said yes for the third time he said, “good, so I don’t have to worry anymore”. He can really be so sweet sometimes.

I believe I have mentioned, some time this past year, that Cutie Pie is unbelievably handsome (in my opinion of course). And that I have wanted to kiss him. So last night we’d both gone into our respective bedrooms for the night, but obviously I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about was kissing him. So I thought, let’s just do it. I threw the covers off me, got out of bed, walked across to his room and there I stopped, my heart already pouncing like mad. I thought, “no, maybe I shouldn’t”. And then I thought, “yes, I should.” But honestly, I had no idea what to expect. All I wanted was him to know how I felt, that was basically it. So I knocked on the door. I heard him go, “mmm yeah?” and so I said in a loud enough voice, as clearly as I could, “this is gonna sound dumb, but I really want to kiss you.”
YES I DID say this.
Exactly this.
I then heard him go, “noooo ….” and so with any remaining courage I had I just quickly said, “ok, I’m leaving, bye” and I rushed back to bed.

So I was pretty much rejected, not that I expected any different. I guess sort of because I did think he had a little thing for me because of the way he treats me. But I guess I made it all up in my head.
Nevertheless, I don’t feel particularly sad about the rejection. Actually I am just so happy I told, because that secret I was keeping inside weighed a tonne and I just wanted him to know. I would always wonder whether I should tell him, whether I should just kiss him without asking, how he’d take it, if he wants to kiss me back etc … I am not troubled by all these thoughts anymore at least. That is a relief. A huge relief.

This morning he went to the shops and met a friend there, and came back home with said friend. I was surprised because the friend was a girl. Of course I instantly felt a pang of jealousy. I can’t help it. And just when I went outside a few minutes ago to take a photo of all his friends he had his arm wrapped around that girl’s shoulder and they were looking into each other’s eyes and I almost thought they were gonna kiss.
But I realised that jealousy is just a reaction to feeling insecure. So moral of the story is that I am a terribly insecure person. I am insecure because I want people to love me. It’s as simple as that. Sometimes I have trouble believing anyone would 😦 And it’s worse when the people I love seem to love somebody else …………………….
YAY so ever since I realised that this afternoon I have been feeling depressed af.
And then the thought of Cutie Pie leaving breaks my heart.
I seriously don’t know why I get myself in these painful situations…

future.

If there’s one thing I’m happy about right now, it’s that XXX has been messaging me every day since he arrived in California (which was 3 days ago). I’m so happy he is keeping in touch, yay! We chatted for something like five minutes today because it was time for him to sleep (there’s a huge time difference). The sort of bad news is that he likes the place so much already that he wants to live there, and he’s already made up his mind to go back to California around the same time next year. That didn’t make me as depressed as one would except, for the reason that he said I should come with him. Actually, that he said that made me exceedingly happy. Obviously, he loves me! lol. I’m not sure how serious he’s being. On one hand it seems a little silly for him to take this view of America so soon – I wonder if he’s not a little taken by the idea of the “American dream” and there are lots of things he is not seeing? On the other, a part of me isn’t surprised of his reaction or even of his desire to move there next year. Maybe a part of me even was waiting for it. I know he isn’t joking when he says the place is very beautiful so I don’t see why he would joke about living there in the future.

But now that brings the question of me. Would I settle in California with him next year? It sounds so weird put that way. First of all, XXX and I have never even lived together, so how would that work? What if I gave up everything I have here, travel there, and after a month or two realise hang on, we are way better off as friends than as partners?! (But a part of me is going – seriously, you are worried about THAT?!). Actually I sort of have a good feeling about living with XXX. Also, I trust his opinion that California is a nice place. We tend to agree on how beautiful nature is.

The real question is what would I do in California? Would it be safe to move there without a job already settled? How do I get my pedal harp across the ocean? Can I keep doing my online course or should I give up everything altogether and start a new, fresh life? Mmm actually, XXX would still want us to do music so harp will still be a big part of my life.

So that’s all interesting. XXX has some funny ideas sometimes! He wants us to tour Australia and New-Zealand and now he wants us to live in California and get famous there! Oh well, looks like I’m in for the long haul, but as I am 200% in love with him, I won’t complain! 😛

Yesterday I was feeling pretty shitty so I listened to the last radio show he did before going on his exchange and it was just so nice listening to his voice and his little laughter. I am not biased at all when I say his voice sounds so amazing and sexy on radio (lol). The best though is he played a track and after he was like, “special shout to Eliza, that one was for you!” he actually said that ON AIR. I’m sorry but that’s like a love declaration!!! lol. Sigh.

Today I went for a walk and I just thought about him coz I walked where we always walk. XXX is my best friend forever and I love him to bits and I can’t wait to see him again!!! 😀

lyf.

Good evening everyone!
Holy moly I have not blogged for ten days! I think that might be a record … I have been just as busy as usual: teaching lots, driving around, working, volunteering here and there, meditating a little every day, exercising, doing chores etc etc.

Tomorrow, XXX is going on a six week exchange to the USA. Hopefully I will have some time in the morning to see him before he goes in the evening. I have not seen much of him recently, he has been so busy organising his trip. I actually went to his place on Wednesday night and it was so amazingly cool. We had dinner together and we were just having the most lame and hilarious conversations, I swear sometimes I laugh so hard that I get tears in my eyes. We are always personifying objects and it’s just too funny. After dinner we watched a bit of the Insurgent movie and after that we slept. In the morning he cooked us some poached eggs and then we both went our separate ways. One thing I cherish and appreciate with XXX is how the most low-key things we do are truly amazing anyway. Like, it was so bloody nice being in my pj’s curled up in bed next to him and watched a movie on his small laptop. No need to go on expensive dates or anything. I absolutely love that. It also makes me think that we would make a good couple because we are truly ourselves and it’s never about showing off or trying to impress each other. Also, sharing a bed with him is so much fun and when I was trying to fall asleep with him by my side, it’s like I could almost imagine myself in a few years’ time as his wife … lol. Honestly though, we have the most fun doing absolutely nothing, it’s so cool! 😀 But now he is off and I won’t see him for six long weeks … although I hope we’ll Skype a few times!

Things with Cutie Pie have been just as great as usual, too. He keeps teasing me a lot – I’m actually quite used to it now. He is so very sweet and nice, I love having him around. Sometimes he comes in my room and asks what I’m doing; other times he asks me sort of a personal question … other times he talks to me about his day or his opinion on a particular thing. But most of the time though, he finds me and does this thing he calls “headlock”, where he wraps his arm tightly around my neck and pretty much keeps me “locked” in his arm, and of course I try to fight myself free … yesterday something amazing happened, he actually wrote me a letter ….! :’) I will definitely keep it forever! He does surprising things, sometimes. I do have some sort of physical crush on him, after all he is so handsome and cute. Except I was stalking his FB profile earlier tonight and I saw a photo of him being kissed by two other girls (one girl kissing each cheek). So I guess I am not the only one thinking about his good looks!!!! lol. He is leaving Australia in pretty much two weeks 😥 I am going to be SO sad – him and I have really bonded and we do have a close friendship in a way (he once said he tells me ‘everything’). Also it was funny, earlier tonight I had to drive him to a party, and I had put on these colourful socks and I needed shoes to go outside with, so I just put on slippers coz I couldn’t think of any other shoe, and he just went, “you look sexy” as a joke, lol.

I guess I’ll mention one other thing. Today I went to church – a spiritualist church. It turns out this church meets twice a week three minutes away from my house (coincidentally, it meets at the school Cutie Pie is currently attending!!). I found about this church earlier this week when I googled “spiritualist” and it couldn’t get out of my head. I thought I’d go to see what it’s like. It also just turned out that my afternoon harp student cancelled her lesson this morning, which meant I had my whole afternoon free. The service went on for 1h15mins or so. Started with some singing and a short prayer, more singing, we did a little meditation, then was the sermon, more singing, and after that the medium (who had done the sermon), did a few personal readings for people. She would pick someone in the congregation and I guess connect to Spirit, and whatever message she was receiving about those people, she would tell them out loud. These messages seemed to resonate with some people. It was fairly interesting. What I enjoyed the most was definitely her sermon, which can be summarised as simply, “be there for others”. I also liked that she talked about the Universe (rather than say, a god). It’s weird how language can used can make such a difference, but I guess for me God is a person/human figure (which I don’t believe in), whereas the Universe is this huge, infinite, mystical force that has neither shape nor form – it is the air itself! But of course, I guess God is, to God-believers, the same as my Universe (i.e. they have the same function, or have the same effect). I am not sure I will be able to go there again as usually I teach in the afternoons, and the other time they meet is on Tuesday nights, and I have Rotary then … so we’ll see what happens!

And so that’s it from me I think.

Actually, one more thing. I am very tired. All the time. And I have eye bags. All the time. I feel like I haven’t slept well in days, even do I do sleep quite well, and sometimes for quite a long time (I slept 8 hours last night, that should be enough, right?). I feel so low on energy, I yawn, and this week it’s been so difficult trying to move (i.e. work-out), which is surprising because I am usually quite motivated to get moving. This week I feel completely depleted and I feel like I’ve been feeling this way for quite some time now. I wonder if I’m low on iron? As I used to be low on iron at the beginning of the year … but I honestly don’t know what I can do feel better. I am not as busy as I have been the last few months. I don’t sleep particularly late, nor do I wake up particularly early. I have a good diet (I think). I try to exercise a bit, usually I work-out almost every working day of the week (although this week I haven’t). So I don’t know! I’m trying not to worry but it’s hard when you feel so tired, and look it as well (I look so ugly 😥 ). Hopefully I feel better soon.

best relationships :D

It’s so good to be on holidays! And in a fortnight I’ll be even more on holidays because school will be out! Can’t wait. 😀

Anyhow, a few things have happened since my last post. On Monday night, Cutie Pie went to a Rotary meeting that I didn’t go to (because I really couldn’t be bothered). When he was gone, I wrote him a letter, it was sort of angry because I was a bit pissed off he felt ok reading my secret diaries and coming up with lame excuses for not writing me a diary in return (perhaps a lame reason to get frustrated, but I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with a number of other things). When he got back home, he came into my room, and I accidently told him about the letter (I hadn’t planned on actually giving it to him). He read it there in my room while I stayed lying on my bed. His reaction though totally took me by surprise – to this day, I still can’t believe it. I was lying on my tummy and so he sat down next to me and put his hand on my shoulder (omg!!! :’) ). He even ruffled my hair (omg2 :’) ) and he was soooooooooooo gentle. He just said he hadn’t meant anything in any bad way and that’d he stop reading my diaries and that he’d write me one. Actually, his kindness and love moved me so much my eyes got watery. It was almost so weird because I am so used to him roasting me (he calls me scumbag usually, lol). So I was so surprised, especially considering the things I had said in my letter might have hurt him or annoyed him?? But instead of walking off mad he instead took the route of forgiveness and gentleness! He’s definitely someone quite special. Later that night I went in his room and we rested next to each other on his bed and watched funny videos on YouTube from his phone. I really wanted to snuggle up to him and hold onto him, maybe because I was freezing and he was so warm, and also maybe because I was so grateful he reacted so well to my letter. I sort of like Cutie Pie a lot!

On Tuesday I did my work out in the late afternoon. When I started working out in the living room, Cutie Pie wouldn’t stop staring at me which made me annoyed (I felt he was judging me so hard, lol); obviously he was highly entertained by my sporty moves. However he again took me by surprise and he did the entire work-out with me, it was actually pretty fun 😀 We spent the rest of the evening teasing each other and he taught me a bit of boxing as well (we were punching each other). Oh yeah and also after dinner he came into my room and asked me about my ex’s. I told him most of what I could remember (lol). He had homework to do so he left but after a while he came back into my room, he looked so restless and fidgetty I felt like there was something he wanted to say or do but nothing happened. Then we went into his room and we sang a round, it was SO COOL!!! And I was like, “I just wanna chill … netflix and chill … but there’s no netflix in your room …” and he was like, “that’s a shame …” LOL. Ok I don’t know why I brought up Netflix and also I have no idea if Cutie Pie actually knows what the phrase Netflix and chill actually means!!! omg what if he does!!!

Yesterday morning we had breakfast at the same time and again he was just being annoying, playing music I absolutely hate. He left for school at 8.30am and right before he got onto his bike, he extended out his hand towards my face. I almost thought he was about to stroke my cheek. But no, he just slapped me. lol. When he came home from school yesterday we listened to music and then he found my YouTube channel and started watching my video about Intuition in front of me, and that pissed me off, again it made me feel uncomfortable because I keep thinking he was watching it to laugh at my face!!! So I tried to grab his phone off him and obviously he extends his arm so far that I can’t reach. So then I pretty much sit on him (lol, not quite) and tickle him and my face was so close to his and we were just staring into each other’s eyes and omg, I still think he has the most beautiful eyes in the history of the world!!!!!!!!!! And he was obviously ENJOYING seeing me frustrated and annoyed by him – why does he like this so much?! Jeeeeez!!!! Anyway, after battling him for a bit I got hold of his phone and ran to his room and flopped on the bed, and then he pretty much jumped on top of me – jeez like his body was actually on mine! and I thought to myself, “please don’t fart on me” and as soon as he got off me he was like, “i farted on you” LOL. Sorry for the immaturity of this blog, Cutie Pie is only 18 and I am only 22 😛 Sigh.

So that’s pretty much all of it, actually. I just can’t believe how much he teases me and I just don’t know why or how but we are almost always touching each other … like, sometimes he walks past and puts his hands on my shoulders. Or he’s always punching my arm. When he annoys me I like to slap his face or tickle him. Other times when we battle each other we hold each other and see who is the strongest. Sometimes I pretend to kick him but he always grabs me by the ankle, and so it goes, and so it goes … He’s definitely a character and I swear that when our faces get really close I sort of want to kiss him!!! It’s insane!!! But what if he feels the way I do? Surely he wouldn’t be annoying me half as much if he didn’t like me in some sort of physical crush … so I can’t help wondering about that. Even this morning I was making my bed and he came in and undid everything I had done, lol. Then to get him back I punched him and to get me back for the punch, he punched me as well, but his was an actual proper punch, so I won’t be surprised tomorrow when I see a bruise.

It’s cool how 90% of the time we are just trying to get each other really mad. I call him scumbag, he calls me scumbag. We are always roasting each other and laughing at each other. We are actually quite mean to each other but then it’s not meanness, since it’s not serious. But then what’s cool is that sometimes we also have deep and meaningful convos and the best though is that we can both be so loving and kind and gentle to each other, and he definitely successfully demonstrated this on Monday night. Cutie Pie is SO COOL!!! And I definitely have a crush on him (didn’t I always, sort of?).

As for XXX, we went out last night for dinner, it was completely unplanned, which was nice. Again, his spontaneous side comes to the surface. It was so nice seeing him, he’s got the most gorgeous smile. And after all, he is and always will be, my best friend! We went to Grilld (a burger restaurant) and when we were looking for a table he went, “oh let’s sit here, that’s our spot!” except he got the table wrong, lol. It made me lol so hard, like he was trying to be romantic but completely failing. lol. We talked about the future and our visions for it, and we both said that by the time we are 41 years old, we would like a family. However it was very unclear whether we want to have a family TOGETHER or not … that was definitely the unsaid thing and you could even feel it in the air! lol coz it’s so weird, he says, “I’d like a family” and I go, “oh yeah, me too” and it’s like … awkward silence. lol. Well, not awkward silence but … so that was a short evening out with XXX. I was actually a bit distracted because of Cutie Pie, who I was still thinking of, and I was waiting for a message from him. But XXX and I also talked about touring and we made bad jokes, like we said it’d be good to stay 3-4 days in each city we give a concert in, to give us time to sight-see, and then I was like, “but we’ll probably just end up doing netflix and chill” and he agreed (lol) and so we laughed about how we would tell people we saw whatever city through the window of the hotel room. Anyway, him and I always have the lamest conversations, we always say how weirded out people would be if they heard us talk. lol.

So now I am patiently waiting for Cutie Pie to get home from school! :’) I wonder what sort of evil things he is going to do to me this afternoon …

stuffs (coz I couldn’t think of a more inspirational title).

It feels so weird to have free time that I am wondering if there is something I have forgotten about doing … lol. Free time stresses me out!!! Anyway. In this post I’m just gonna ramble on about Cutie Pie and XXX and also spirituality and other interesting things …

So Cutie Pie is currently living at my place for the last quarter of his exchange, in fact he now only has a few weeks left here 😥 He has been SO ANNOYING though – not in the bad way, but always teasing me, making fun of me, and generally trying to get on my nerves. Seriously!!!!! It just doesn’t stop. For example, when I was working on my essay last week, he came over and typed heaps of numbers into my essay document (like, 60 pages) so I had to delete everything afterwards, which took me ages since some numbers had somehow wound their way into my references. Sometimes he wraps his arm around my neck (coz he’s taller than me) and holds me down like that until I wriggle myself free. The other night he even tried to lift me up but considering I am so heavy he struggled to and I hit my side against the window, now I have a huge bruise. Last night also we were watching the finals of Roland-Garros and he slipped my shoes under the couch, then he also sat in a way so that his foot was really close to my face, and then we started fighting and he pretty much was lying across me and punching my leg playfully. It just doesn’t stop.

The worst though, is that one night he came into my room while I was writing and he caught a glimpse of all my diaries. He thought it would be a good idea to read one my diaries. So he picked one up and of course, being secret diaries, I tried to get it out of his hand. As soon as I had my diary back though, he’d just pick another one up. AHHHH. And every time I was yelling at him to give it back to me, and he was just smiling, content and proud that I was getting annoyed at him. Eventually I thought, if I stop responding to his teasing, he’ll stop. So that is what I did. He took one of my diaries and I just said, “fine”. Didn’t go quite as planned coz he started to read the diary. And this was my GUY DIARY (i.e. everything to do with my relationships with guys). And obviously there was not just a hell lot about XXX (things he probably didn’t really wanna know), but there were bits about him as well, including how handsome I think he is and how sometimes I want to kiss him! HE READ ALL OF IT, in front of my own eyes too … jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. So now he knows everything of what I think of him!!!!

Last night after dinner I was cleaning up the dishes and I saw him walking away in the direction of my room and he just looked so suspicious that I followed him. He started running, he was obviously going into my room, probably to steal another one of my diaries. Obviously as soon as he got into my room he closed the door behind him and put all his weight against it so that I couldn’t open it. Seriously, that is how Cutie Pie treats me ALL. THE. TIME. I wonder what will happen this afternoon …

As for XXX, everything is going absolutely perfectly well. :’) Haven’t seen that much of him actually. Now that the semester is over, we don’t rehearse on Monday mornings anymore. I went to his place on Saturday night though, he invited me for dinner, as he cooked. He made this pork roast with potatoes, it was quite yummy. I was so tired on Saturday though, that when I reached his place I just went to lie down on his bed and we chatted for a bit. Then we had dinner and after dinner I suggested we have a hot chocolate and watch a movie. He was like, “ah, you’re my best friend!!!” lol. He made me a hot chocolate and we watched Beauty and the Beast in his bedroom. We were snuggled up one against the other, it was just so cute and nice – he even had lit up this little candle. We brushed our teeth and after the movie we went to bed, and we had the most interesting conversations about spirituality and dreams and relationships, and also had the most hilarious conversation about something so random and ridiculous that I won’t bother writing about here. But omg, we were both laughing so hard, and I had tears in my eyes…!!!! :’) On Sunday morning I left super early for choir and he was still sleeping. So that’s it.

I have begun this psychic mediumship program online. It involves listening to 3 videos a week about spirituality, doing an invocation every morning, a meditation every day and also you have to write a reflection about something interesting that’s happened in a day (on the day you write it). I am so excited! The meditations are guided which make it so much easier. I’m looking forward to learning more and getting more serious about all this spiritual stuff – I’ve been meaning to do it for a long time!

On Thursday night I had a bit of an emotional breakdown, I cried for like an hour. I was just thinking about the Somalian children and the Somalian father and mother. I miss the family so much (especially the children), which is a hard enough thing on its own to deal with. But on Thursday I also just started thinking what pain that family is currently enduring. Like the children, not seeing their dad anymore? Changing schools? Changing house? How are they coping with all these sudden changes? I’m scared they are feeling a bit lost!! And what about losing me? Has that had any effect on them? Do they miss me? I worry that they are in pain or unhappy … 😦 and I worry about the mum … her English was even worse than her husband’s. How is she coping with the change, with looking after 5 children on her own?? And what about the dad, not knowing where his children are??? Not knowing how his children are? Being forced to live all alone …?
I think about that family and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that everyone must be in some kind of pain!!!! That makes me tremendously sad. If I think hard enough about them, it is like I can feel their pain, then that really gets me to tears. And also I worry because if they are in pain, and they are isolated, or lonely, well that isn’t a healthy path for any of them. That can lead to very bad outcomes … :/

I guess for me Thursday night was a bit weird because I guess I realised I wasn’t just crying for my pain, but for theirs too. It’s happened also that when watching the news and hearing about terrorist attacks or the war in Syria or Iraq or wherever, I get a knot in my throat thinking about the pain some people endure. There was also the time my mother was saying good-bye to her sister (it was the end of the holidays and we had to get back home) and I was close to tears, not because I was sad that I had to say good-bye to my auntie, but because my mum’s sadness at having to leave her sister was so great that I could feel it myself. Sometimes I guess I wonder if I have a greater sense of empathy than others because seriously, no one else in family got as sad as me when mum hugged her sister.

It reminds me what Cutie Pie said yesterday … well, I can’t remember his exact words now but he said that I don’t really make much sense. Like, I am a very sensitive person (I think he’s realised that as well) but he said it doesn’t make sense that I get so much responsibility or something – like, being youth director of my club or vice-president of the harp society, or that I’m already quite a respected harpist and harp teacher in my community … I think what he was getting at is that it can be very hard – emotionally – to do the sorts of things I do (maybe?). And so why would you do it. But, in my perspective, my empathy (assuming I do have it) is one of my greatest strength. And while it is painful to feel the pain of others at times, it is also what enables me to think of how to make them feel better, and to offer friendship and love in times of need.