Am I cold-hearted?

Within the last three weeks I have been called a “cunt” and a “spineless idiot”. Today I shall only speak of the first occasion.

The person who called me a cunt was this guy, whom I befriended at the beginning of last year. Or should I say, he befriended me. This was at a residential college just across the road from university; I knew no one and he was one of the few who ever spoke to me or made an effort at getting to know me. I appreciate that, although early on I sometimes felt an awkwardness around him and often got the impression he was after me (romantically speaking).

I was actually dating a guy already back then so I tried not to lead him on. I mean, he knew I was taken anyway. In fact, I sometimes tried to avoid him around the residential college: I didn’t want to experience that awkwardness I mentioned earlier. He probably did not realise I was trying to avoid him, because we soon began rehearsing a guitar and singing duet, which we planned to perform for a musical evening at the college. I would go to his flat in the evening and we’d do music together. On one hand, I appreciated this interaction, as I often felt so lonely and friendless at college. On the other, I tried not to spend too much time there.

After our performance I gave him a little card to thank him. I did it out of kindness and gratitude – nothing more.

For a good few weeks at the beginning of the year we’d catch up every week on Thursdays, have lunch and then attend the lunch time concerts at university. At the beginning of the year I also broke up with my boyfriend. Again, I was appreciate seeing a friend regularly, chatting about random things and having the weekly laugh – which I really lacked at the university. However I did notice he began to, I don’t know, give hints that he liked me: saying I had sexy legs, poking me, asking me for hugs, etc.

What could I do?

Although I kept speaking with him and seeing him regularly, I didn’t (at least, not consciously) reciprocate any of his “hints”. I did not in any way compliment him, nor did I ever hug him first. The only thing I did, which retrospectively might have been a huge mistake, is I invited him to go to a bar with me one evening. Perhaps I should have emphasised the idea that we were going as friends.

That evening he gave me chocolates and wrote me a letter basically asking me to go out with him. I told him I’d thinking about it, but obviously he got the point, which was I wasn’t interested in him that way. On my way home, he texted me saying our friendship was over and that I should be more careful how I treat people as I clearly had led him on.

I was somewhat pissed at him. I had tried not to lead him on too much but maybe I hadn’t done enough. But what I also know is that when you like someone, whatever small, pointless, meaningless thing ends up being meaningful, and I guess this might have happened with him, perhaps more than once. I was pissed at him also for completely rejecting me when he knew what I had on my plate and how I had so few friends. But I was also going through such stressful times that I could not be bothered bothering about it too much – I had other things to worry about, so I moved on and focused on what I had to do.

A few weeks later he re-added me on Facebook, pretty much invited me to a concert, and pretended like nothing had ever happened. That annoyed me, but I tried to put it passed me. I told myself I’d be kind and simply be nice to him regardless of the fury I was feeling. I avoided seeing him however, not until two weeks ago.

Which brings us to that instance. A violinist friend of mine was holding a recital at university, and I had invited my childhood French friend to go to it with me, and I told him about it as well. Therefore I thought all three of us would go to the recital. However when I arrived at his, he told me he had invited a few of his other friends (like 6 of them). That greatly surprised me and I was annoyed I hadn’t been told. Him, his friends, my friend and I set out to the recital. Naturally I sort of fell in step with my own friend and spoke in French with her (I hadn’t seen her since January of this year). Upon arriving at the auditorium, my friend told me she was meeting another French girl – and I was also a little annoyed at her for not having told me. What I thought would be an outing with two friends ended up being an outing with 8 people, only 2 of whom I knew!

After the concert there were drinks and pizzas available. Again I stuck with my childhood friend for most of the time, and us three French girls naturally started talking in French to each other. My guy “friend” came up to me and I tried to speak with him and his friends but they were barely responsive. My childhood friend and her French pal just kept talking in French which made me more drawn to them. I’d rather speak with people I knew and felt comfortable about, and who were responsive, rather than with people I barely knew and who seemed so unresponsive!

Eventually the guy and his group left. The following day I had a message on Facebook saying it was very rude of me to speak in French around non-French speakers, and that I “can be such a cunt sometimes!” – from that guy friend of mine. I thought about it for a whole day, how to reply to him. Obviously his comment made me angry. I was especially angry at his “cunt” comment. I could understand the not speaking French thing – because this is something even my family struggles with when we have non-speaking French guests over. I could understand that, but I couldn’t understand why he had to finish his rant with calling me a cunt!

And I told myself, “I can’t tolerate this, I can’t tolerate insults like that.” So, after a whole day of thinking about how to reply to him, I wrote him a message back. I said I was fine with my friends pointing out my flaws and mistakes to me, but friends don’t go around calling each other “cunts”. Plus, the fact that he had said I could be a cunt “sometimes” obviously meant he had thought this about me more than once. I told him I didn’t need friends like that. I told him our friendship was over.

I blocked him.

He sent me a text saying I was narcistic, which made it very hard to befriend me. He said I shouldn’t treat people like disposables. Hmmm, hadn’t he been the one to remove me like a disposable after I had rejected him??!! I felt like saying, “have a taste of your own m├ędicine!” but I don’t like to say mean things just for the sake of saying them.

So anyway, that’s the story. I think I have changed somewhat this year regarding my relationships. I’m a lot more picky. I’ve rejected a few people. I’m just putting my own limits. I mean, is it Worth staying friends with someone who thinks you’re a cunt sometimes?! Is what I have done fundamentally wrong? Am I selfish? Am I as narcistic as this ex-friend thinks? Am I so cold-hearted as to tell people I don’t want them in my life anymore? Is it right to reject people in the first place?