Sigh. Except it’s a happy sigh. It feels like my heart is sighing; it comes from so deep within. I think I’m in love, but I’m trying not to be. In any case, I am still not quite sure what love is. Perhaps it is simply a growing infatuation. Mixed with a surge of affection, a need to care, and an immense curiosity. Perhaps that’s what it is, rather than love.
But damn, the feelings are back. I long to see him, and when I know I will, how do I look forward to it! Today I was speaking to this guy while waiting for me. He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders to scare me (except it didn’t really work). We went for a walk to a café but he changed his mind, then we walked some more and took a seat on a bench, side by side. And we talked about our social awkwardness, music … he talked to me about the issues he was having with his room mate, and I listened, as closely as I could, holding on to every word, sympathising.
Then we went to the library as he had to print off a couple of things, and I started working on one of my assignments. Except I couldn’t stop smiling and all I really wanted to do was bounce on my chair, write in my diary, and call my friend and yell into the phone, “This guy is so amazingly cool!!!“. Before he left he thanked me twice for the two blocks of chocolate I had given him. We didn’t hug and I couldn’t help but wonder if I should have stood up to hug him.
Well now I am still in the library and my assignment isn’t finished. I am smiling like a twat and a recent trip to the bathroom indicated I had pink cheeks. Oh, all I want is friendship. I do not want love. I do not want to regard him as a potential boyfriend. I want to think of him as a best friend, and so I will disregard all these physiological symptoms and follow my heart, and be his friend, and let him be mine.
He’s got a girlfriend anyway, and I must remember he is a couple of years older than me. Not that the age difference is that great or too problematic (in fact I don’t think it is at all) – I am simply trying to steer me away from the path of love, as it is not what I wish for the most right now.
But – I can’t stop thinking about him! I want to see him again! I want to hug him, and yes, I would kiss him! Oh, what have I put myself into? And yet I’m not hurting! Let’s just aim for friendship and we can see what happens from there on …
Now let me return to my assignment … Oh but I don’t want to! I want to see him! And hear his laughter! Oh and his smile!!! He is actually quite good looking – and I hadn’t paid that much attention to it before … but the more time I spend with him, the more I look at him (especially when he talking and we are side to side, so he can’t really see I’m looking at him), and the more good-looking I find him! I didn’t want this to turn into a crush but I have a feeling it’s one already …
Well you’ll probably read another post tonight repeating this one, i.e. my growing obsession/infatuation/love for this guy. Who by the way is awesome and good-looking. I think you get the point.
Good-bye! (Yes, love makes me silly and giddy!)