Letter.

It’s not the butterflies I am after, even if I do feel them, on certain occasions. When you pronounce a word, in that gentle way of yours, where not a syllable – not a single consonant – is harsh. I feel them then, the butterflies. A slight twist in my lower abdomen, accompanied by an urge to get closer to you, and always – a smile.

But I am not looking for butterflies. For sparks. For madness. For irrationality. These things are only so temporary, so weak in the grand scheme of time. As distracting as they may be, I try to disregard them. I don’t want to fall into the trap of senseless, silly attraction.

I only want something that will last longer than I can imagine. If you desire this as much as I do, mark my words: once I commit to friendship – with you – I will more than readily give it my all. I promise to make time for you, and be honest with you, and open up to you. And if we encounter problems, I promise to work through them and come up with solutions.

That’s all I am after. The butterflies are only secondary, an added benefit to the gifts of trust and intimacy, which I long to share with you.

XXX

doubts.

i shuffled across the mattress
without hesitation
but as my body leaned on his
i wondered where this was going.
he held me and caressed me
and even kissed my forehead
as gentle as his touch was
i felt somewhat a little restless.
because what is to become of this?
soon, she will be back:
soon, i might become the second one.
and i will have to wait
until she’s off again.
but – i hold him,
and caress him,
and force the thoughts out of my head.
tonight, him and I are sharing a bed,
and who knows what tomorrow will bring?
but what is the point in worrying …?

Longing.

How impatient I am to see you again. I can feel the longing pulsing in my veins. I can hear it as I exhale – a deep, long sigh. I had not wanted nor expected to fall for you. At first, I craved connection, trust and friendship. I never had thought of you in any other way other than a friend. But here we were, on this fine afternoon, and you made me laugh, and as you spoke I became aware – of your genuine smile, of your lips, of your hair that was all over the place. Suddenly, the innocence turned into something more: a desire for touch, for physical warmth and closeness. And I attempted to put the thoughts at the back of my mind; I’d die if you were suspicious of my feelings. Yet I could not entirely stop myself. Once desire creeps in, it can only grow. As we sat side by side in the library, I took my hair out from its clip. It fell around my face. With the slight blush on my cheeks, I must have made a pretty sight. As you invited me to view something on your computer, I leaned in and my heart rushed even faster. This had never happened before. Never had I felt this buzz around you, and suddenly it was there. I wanted to take hold of you; I wanted to kiss you. And yet I simply smiled, and willed myself to calm down. Since then, I long to see you. I cannot put the feelings behind me; nor can I ignore them. I must discover you, but I do not wish to break the friendship we’ve come to built. I will wait, patiently, if anything more is to ever evolve between us. In the mean time, all I can do is dream of it, night and day.

Crazy!

Wish I could give up already

This hope drives me crazy

Wish I could forget already

God, just a bit of love drives me crazy.

Written most probably in 2012! Lame poetry of my lame teenage self 😛

Better or worse?

Sigh. Except it’s a happy sigh. It feels like my heart is sighing; it comes from so deep within. I think I’m in love, but I’m trying not to be. In any case, I am still not quite sure what love is. Perhaps it is simply a growing infatuation. Mixed with a surge of affection, a need to care, and an immense curiosity. Perhaps that’s what it is, rather than love.

But damn, the feelings are back. I long to see him, and when I know I will, how do I look forward to it! Today I was speaking to this guy while waiting for me. He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders to scare me (except it didn’t really work). We went for a walk to a cafĂ© but he changed his mind, then we walked some more and took a seat on a bench, side by side. And we talked about our social awkwardness, music … he talked to me about the issues he was having with his room mate, and I listened, as closely as I could, holding on to every word, sympathising.

Then we went to the library as he had to print off a couple of things, and I started working on one of my assignments. Except I couldn’t stop smiling and all I really wanted to do was bounce on my chair, write in my diary, and call my friend and yell into the phone, “This guy is so amazingly cool!!!“. Before he left he thanked me twice for the two blocks of chocolate I had given him. We didn’t hug and I couldn’t help but wonder if I should have stood up to hug him.

Well now I am still in the library and my assignment isn’t finished. I am smiling like a twat and a recent trip to the bathroom indicated I had pink cheeks. Oh, all I want is friendship. I do not want love. I do not want to regard him as a potential boyfriend. I want to think of him as a best friend, and so I will disregard all these physiological symptoms and follow my heart, and be his friend, and let him be mine.

He’s got a girlfriend anyway, and I must remember he is a couple of years older than me. Not that the age difference is that great or too problematic (in fact I don’t think it is at all) – I am simply trying to steer me away from the path of love, as it is not what I wish for the most right now.

But – I can’t stop thinking about him! I want to see him again! I want to hug him, and yes, I would kiss him! Oh, what have I put myself into? And yet I’m not hurting! Let’s just aim for friendship and we can see what happens from there on …

Now let me return to my assignment … Oh but I don’t want to! I want to see him! And hear his laughter! Oh and his smile!!! He is actually quite good looking – and I hadn’t paid that much attention to it before … but the more time I spend with him, the more I look at him (especially when he talking and we are side to side, so he can’t really see I’m looking at him), and the more good-looking I find him! I didn’t want this to turn into a crush but I have a feeling it’s one already …

Well you’ll probably read another post tonight repeating this one, i.e. my growing obsession/infatuation/love for this guy. Who by the way is awesome and good-looking. I think you get the point.

Good-bye! (Yes, love makes me silly and giddy!)

Holding on to you.

Well perhaps we could go to your place after the rehearsal next week, and watch a movie; how does that sound to you? You said you had a spare mattress, and unused toothbrushes, and food, and pyjamas – could I … could I stay the night? Would it be okay? And would it be okay if I snuggled up to you during the movie and we just held onto each other for a short while? I mean, I know we’re just friends, and I know we’re supposed to be just that – but could we hold onto each other, just for short a while? We’re both aching, inside, I know. We both crave warmth, touch, human connection. We can give each other what we desperately need …