If you miss someone, does it mean you love them? And would I be biased in thinking the answer is yes?

I feel I have seen so little of him recently. Which I guess is the truth: this week we have only seen each other once – on Wednesday – and for only thirty minutes. And to think the previous weeks I had spent a whole night at his place, and the week before we had spent the whole week-end together! We go from spending a lot of time together to barely seeing each other. It’s frustrating. But it’s just because we are busy.

And ok, the other reason is, his long-distance girlfriend is visiting him. I obviously have no right to say on this blog what he has told me about the situation so far. Only one thing: it’s probably one the reasons I’ve seen so little of him recently.

Unfortunately we are both pretty busy this week. He has a gig tomorrow night which I would love to go to but unfortunately it is some one hour drive away, and I have to study for exams and prepare for my harp recital. Sunday it is his neighbour’s daughter’s party or something like that and he’s invited … so we both have plans 😦

But hopefully next week we’ll be able to see more of each other. For a start, his girlfriend will be gone by Friday, and secondly my recital will be over. Therefore we will have plenty of time to make music together, to arrange and rehearse because guess what: we’ve got a few gigs coming up! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 I AM SO BLOODY EXCITED!!

We’ve got one on the 20th of November … we’ll only play 1 piece but it’s still important. Another one on the 29th of November, playing background music for an outdoors party. The most important gig is probably the concert we’re putting on together, which will be on the 5th of December. But we are also going to be going busking together because my new lever harp has just arrived!

So having all these plans make me really excited at the idea of seeing him! I feel like neither of us can really wait until we can start rehearsing. But, I sort of went completely off track. He has said he misses me, as well as my family. Aw, that’s so sweet. But yeah, does it mean he loves me? And he loves my family? Well ok, he has told me he loves my family, but he’s never said he loves me! What am I supposed to make of that?

Back to life’s greatest mystery … how do you even know when you love someone? And also, how do you know when someone loves you? Hm. I guess it would be something they do which really shows they’ve gone out of their way for you. If that’s what I’m going by then I don’t think he loves me just yet … I don’t know! What do people think???

Sorry this post is all over the place but that’s how my thoughts naturally occur, lol. My brain does not think in essay format.

Mysteries & questions.

I wonder how it is going between you and her after eight months apart. I am so curious but I have to hold back. It is not my business and I have no right to know anything about it. Yet the mysteries plague my mind, and I long to know. Do you still get on well with each other? Has the connection you had felt survived the time & distance? Do you laugh a lot together or is the atmosphere tense and awkward? Do you still find her attractive? Do you still enjoy holding her close? Have you held each other since her return? And kissed? Do you sleep together every night? Is she becoming the girlfriend she was before she had to leave? Are you happy she’s back? Is she your best friend? Are you in love with this girl?

From: a girl who likes you a lot, & cares about you, & only wants the best for you, & thinks of you, most likely too often.

P.S: Perhaps I love you too, a little.

P.PS: Don’t forget me just because I’ve returned back to the friend.

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Harp Recital: excerpt

My harp recital is pretty much only a week away – crazy! So here is the first piece I will be performing:

It’s a transcription for harp of the Sarabande from the 3rd Violin Partita by J.S. Bach.

This evening I had my second last lesson of the semester and my teacher had invited her neighbours over, so I got to play all my recital repertoire Under “stress” conditions … but weirdly enough, I wasn’t too nervous! Hopefully I’ll feel as grounded during my actual recital!!

I also started writing a song today. I’m probably biased in saying it sounds beautiful! I really hope to record all my harp music & original songs one day … I’ll ask my friend if he can record me! Can’t wait!

Photoshoot with friend.

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The other day I went to my ‘friend”s (inverted commas as we are unconventional friends …) place for a photoshoot. We’re organising a concert together and he wanted to get some professional photos done with which to make a poster. It was hilarious as he wanted us to look serious in the photos but half the time we just could not stop laughing! My favourite photo from the entire shoot is the one above, which is just a test photo. I was putting on my ear rings and I love how the photo captures him and I looking at each other!

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The photographer showed us the photos on the camera and my friend said something which I personally found hilarious:
“I can’t offer any objective criticism because for every photo I see my face and think, “what the fuck is that?!” ”

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Difficult conversation.

“Look, I’ve noticed you’ve been self-harming …”

“No I haven’t! I legit haven’t … look at my arms!”

Indeed, I looked down at her arms. Her left one, where I had noticed the many brown scars, was stretched out in front of me. And indeed, all the scribbles and lines I had noticed had disappeared. I could see on her skin only faint lines, the memories of the cuts, the recovery of the cutting; but what I had observed and understood to be fresh cuts had but gone.

To say I was puzzled is an understatement. Had I been imagining it all? Did I wrongly assume the brown criss-crossed lines – which were now invisible – were marks of relapsing mental health and self-harming?

I met her eyes. She was smiling. I couldn’t tell if she was lying to me. Perhaps she hadn’t self-harmed recently. Perhaps it had all been me.

“Well, if you have been self-harming, I just want to say I’ve noticed it and I’m concerned …”

She reached over and gave me a hug.

I guess whether or not she self-harms isn’t so much the question. But at least I reminded her I care. And that was a hard conversation to have, come to think of it.

Useless love.

I want to stroke your cheek, and say yet again
how much I like you. But I remain lying on my back,
refusing to give out a love which will be
taken for granted, or ignored,
for it is not needed.