Talking for hours.

There’s nothing quite like talking to someone for hours, sharing thoughts, views, opinions, and stories. What I once considered to be a special friendship, over one night, turned into an even more intimate relationship.

restless.

my longing is indescribable.

my arms are stretched out over the half of the mattress where you were only two nights ago.

i twist and turn in the sheets, unable to shut one eye.

finally i put my head on the pillow you slept on.

trying to find your smell in the fabric.

remembering you, there, sleeping and dreaming like a child. i could see your back and your shoulder. i leaned my head on you, my lips on your skin.

my lips, tonight, wanting to be on your skin again. wanting to have your arms draped across my body. your hand resting on the small of my back. my hair to grab in my hands. and kissing you, kissing you. your breath a hot current of air on my face, down my neck.

why, i am so restless without you …

Looking at a relationship retrospectively.

It’s funny how, when viewed restrospectively, a relationship you’ve thought was perfect now seems so imperfect.

I dated this guy for a year and a half. He was my very first serious boyfriend and he is the guy I ticked off many firsts with. We were both very attracted to each other from the day we met, and within a month of meeting each other we were already a couple. We grew close very quickly, were almost inseparable, went on plenty of dates. We didn’t argue, didn’t fight. We were two people in love with each other and loving every moment.

The relationship seemed to be perfect and we both thought we’d get married, have children, live together and spend the rest of our lives together. We mentioned it more than once and whenever we’d walk past jewellery stores we’d have a glance at rings in the windows.

I loved that he was ambitious, hard-working, reliable, honest, trust-worthy, and gentle. I loved that we had so many things in common including a love for both music and writing. I loved that I could tell him anything. I loved that I could cry in front of him without shame or embarrassment. I loved how complete I felt with him. I thought he was my soul mate.

And it’s funny how, here I am now, eight month after the break-up, re-reading over the letters, going through the photographs, thinking, “no, this guy was not for me”. For Christmas two years ago he had given me a framed photograph of us holding a bottle of expensive champagne in a luxurious hotel we had stayed at on our first week away. Back then, I used to think what a beautiful photo it is. Now I realise that I’ve never really liked alcohol in the first place, that I hate spending money, that I find no real pleasure in staying in luxurious hotels. It struck me how the girl on the photograph is so little like who I really, really am.

There are other aspects of the relationships I remember that just did not work for me. His dependency of me was a major one: at first it was flattering, by the end, I was suffocating. Too many unecessary phone calls, too many “I miss you”‘s. I hated how he felt lonely and sad whenever I wasn’t by his side, while I was completely fine and happy on my own. It even made me feel guilty.

I also realised just today that he wanted me to be a woman more than a girl. And I wanted to be a woman, too, but not all the time. He wanted me to work through problems like an adult. Which was fine, but I don’t think I was ready yet. He wanted me to shave my thighs, something I’d never done. He wanted me to shave everywhere for that matter, which made me uncomfortable and was the most troublesome request. He wanted me to be confident in the bedroom, but with no experience, how could I be? He wanted us to go to fancy, expensive restaurants.

I remember him saying how he liked posting of our dates on Facebook because it gave him satisfaction showing me off. And that whole attitude, although it was so subtle back then, now I can clearly see it was there and it shouldn’t be a part of a relationship.

So here we go. One day, soul-mates. The next, strangers. I guess I was only 18 when him and I met, and that I’m still Learning, and that it’s all normal. When you don’t know what to expect of a relationship, and when you’ve never had one it is difficult to draw distinctions between what’s right and wrong, good and bad, what you should forgive and let go of, and what you should seriously reconsider.

 

Sweet.

His face is so sweet, sweeter than summer’s honey. I would drink it all, day in day out. There is true genuineness etched in the corners of his mouth when he smiles. One cannot be saved from it; the attraction is fatal. It seems trust is the first reaction one would have upon meeting this warm, friendly and handsome of a creature. And to find that, after looking in more depth into this being, it is as kind as it is handsome, as gentle as it is friendly, and as good as it is warm. His face is the sweetest, but his heart is sweeter still.

sleepless again.

I cannot get to sleep tonight
I am thinking of you,
and I think yes,
I miss you.
I Wonder how you are
and I hope you are well.
do you miss me too,
my friend?
My room is so quiet,
and the dark, so dark.
I long to hear your breathing
and feel the tingle of your
skin against mine
as you shift in your sleep.
where is my friend whose
laughter is so easy
and whose smile is so sweet,
whose thoughts are intelligent
and conversations smart,
whose heart is kind
and touch is gentle?
where is my friend with whom
I can speak of my days
and laugh at myself
or question the world
attempting to make sense of it?
Where is the voice & the body,
the mind & the soul with
whom I love to speak,
and be, and kiss, and love?
I feel so empty tonight, as if
my soul had curled itself
into the corner of a box.
I miss you so very much,
I think I most definitely do.
I dare not look around me,
for I will see a pillow, lonely
next to me. I wish you
were here. I can even hear
the crickets outside. It is
so quiet. I ache to speak
with you again. My soul
needs the stimulation, needs
the thoughts and questions
you never fail to bring me.
Oh, I long to see you again.
XXX I miss you tonight
more than I’ve missed
you. Why aren’t you here? 😦

Missing him.

Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven. ~Tryon Edwards

As the presence of those we love is as a double life, so absence, in its anxious longing and sense of vacancy, is as a foretaste of death. ~Anna Brownell Jameson

The joy of meeting pays the pangs of absence; else who could bear it? ~Nicholas Rowe

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin, “Separation”

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay

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