Poem for a friend.

I have a beautiful friend
who is very dear to me
we get on very well
because we both like to be silly

but you see this friend of mine
hasn’t been feeling great lately
and i feel there’s a lot on my mind
i want and have to share with him

my friend should not worry
what the future has in store
because things can get better
and that’s the way they will go

my friend should not be embarrassed
to ask for help if he needs it,
may it be a small task or a big favour
i’m right beside his shoulder

my friend should not doubt
all that he can do and change
for he’s got a strength inside
that will truly help him out

my friend should not fear
of me ever leaving his side
because i am not scared of a thing
and true friendship means staying for the ride

my friend should understand however
that i am not perfect either,
that although i will always give my best
it might not be enough, nor appropriate

my friend should not forget
that i like him a very great deal
and when he needs a hug, a kiss or two
he needs merely ask, for my love is free

my friend should sit for a while
and spend some time breathing, and thinking –
things will be ok, things will improve
because he’s a good person, and so beautiful

and my friend shall lose neither hope nor spirit
one step at a time, day by day
the clouds will open up, the sky’ll be less grey
life won’t be bitter – but it will be sweet

things will get better, trust me
it may be slow or impossible to see
but not everything lasts forever:
soon, my friend, you will be where you want to be

much love from your friend XXX

Letter coz i can’t sleep.

Hey dude,

I can’t sleep tonight. Well, I turned and twisted in the sheets for forty minutes to no avail. I really want to talk to you because there are so many things I want to tell you and make you aware of! But, you are not here tonight, and it is late, and I hope you are asleep and dreaming, so you can feel better tomorrow.

I was just wondering if you’d like to have dinner out with me sometime next week before I leave for my holiday? I feel it’s been ages since we’ve gone out … but then, we were never really going out, right? Well I’d like to just eat out with you one of these days, so I get the chance to catch up with you and spend some time with you outside of our own homes. Would you like that? Can we, please? We can say it’s not a date if it makes you too uncomfortable. No don’t even worry about that; we’ll go as friends (friends who are in love with each other!). Also, if you’re a bit tight on cash, we can go to a relatively cheap place, and I’ll pay for you, too. I really hope you feel up for it. But then if you did, I’d really like to make it a special occasion, somehow, and wear a nice dress, and put on some make-up, too. Would you mind if I did that? Hopefully not. I wish I could ask you already, and that you’d let me know what you thought. Anyway this coming week I am only free on Wednesday or Tuesday evening … hopefully one of these evenings you are available, too.

I’ve been meaning to speak to you about your well-being as well. But anything very serious is so difficult to talk about – don’t you find that, too? I think I’ve already told you I am worried about you, and I still am. You getting sick so often is not a good sign, neither are the headaches. Have you seen a doctor? I urge you to go and see one. I feel we ought to have a proper conversation about this. I feel you’ve let yourself down lately, simply because you are not looking after yourself the way you should. If only you had proper sleep patterns, a healthier diet, and included some daily exercise in your routine, I’m sure it could improve at least a little, your overall health. Concerning your mental and emotional self, I hope you see the psychologist soon and that the sessions wil be beneficial to you. I have a lot of advice but I don’t want to just impose my beliefs or habits on you, not unless you want to hear them. But please never be afraid – nor ashamed – to ask me for anything, even if it’s just to come around to give you some company. I’m here for you, don’t ever forget that.

What else has been on my mind …? Oh yes, music! I guess we will not be busking tomorrow as you will probably feel too ill, and we will not have rehearsed any music. But hopefully tomorrow we can learn a few songs and we can go busking next week. I can’t wait! Have I ever told you how much I love playing music with you? It is just so fun! Also, you better keep your week-end of the 23rd, 24th and 25th of April free – as this is when we might have the gig I mentioned to you earlier today. I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow, but isn’t it so exciting?! We’ll get to play in front of people again! Yay! I really hope you’ll be able to make it. I’m also so excited about all the other projects you spoke of. I’ve always wanted to record a CD and doing it with you would be so much fun I’m sure, and it would be such a nice thing to own … But we really need to get started on arranging/composing music!! Hopefully we can talk about this tomorrow as well …

Sigh, do you ever ask yourself if you love me or if I love you or if we have love? It was also running through my mind while I was trying to get to sleep. I know once you asked me whether it was lust or love that made me feel so attracted to you. You know I am, and always will be, very reluctant to call anything love. I mean love is supposed to be the strongest and most stable feeling (in my opinion), yet all the times I thought it was love, the feeling faded as if it was fickle! Of course sometimes when I want to kiss you, it is because of lust alone. But other times, it’s not. Is it the same with you? For example, when you’re still asleep in the morning and I kiss your forehead before I go – that’s not lust. Or when I kiss you good-bye after spending a whole day with your cherished company – that’s not lust either. I’m not sure if it’s love, though. I mean, does the fact that it’s not lust definitely make it love?

But we do have something special, don’t we? I mean, I know I’ve never had a friendship like this … on the other hand, it’s not really friendship and you know it. We cross the lines way too many times, way too often, for this to be just friendship. And I like how I feel objective about us, rather than crazy and obsessed. And I like how I feel very very grounded, and how you are not changing me at all. But I also like how we can be crazy and immature together, and how we can also be serious and talk about important matters. And I like how you trust me and how I trust you, however I know we don’t trust each other completely just yet – that’s a work in progress, and considering where your last relationship got you, it’s completely understandable and I am in no rush. I know gaining your trust will take a while, but it will be a rewarding journey.

For now, as it has been really the majority of the time, our relationship remains a mystery to me. Friends, love, friends with benefits … what is it that we are, or what is it that we have? I realise that not having a word describe our relationship make it even more special. It is more than friendshipm but it is less than love. We are somewhere in between, somewhere in the grey. And it’s nice to be there with you, because we can be friends one day, and lovers the next – and it is up to us, and we are okay with it. And we don’t have to put boundaries anymore, we can just let ourselves be, and follow our instincts and feelings. The future knows what’s in store for us, and we know that the future knows. I just find this whole inability to put a word to us completely fascinating – our relationship is unique only to us. And what a nice thought that is.

Oh well, I guess I should return to bed for round 2 of trying to sleep …

Much love, my friend (notice this closing of the letter …)

XXX

Cheeky poem.

i’ll find a way to make you stay
oh no you won’t be getting away
i won’t accept a damn excuse
please don’t try, it’ll be no use
you know you want to, don’t deny
isn’t a bit of sex very much on your mind?
ooh well it is for me, i’ll make you see
and you won’t be able to turn away, trust me
hehehe, come on let’s do this again, lovely
come in my bed and make love to me!

๐Ÿ˜› lol. Who can resist to THAT!!

Doubts.

The fabulous thing about having so many doubts is that when he suggests he does in fact, like or love me, it never fails to take me by complete surprise and it warms my heart. You see, I really don’t expect him to have any feelings for me, it’s not really what I am after. We could be just friends and I would be as satisfied as I am now. Love never was part of the plan. I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t love me. And I’ve taken this stance now where I make myself believe that he doesn’t feel the things I do. Every word he says, or gesture he does, that may suggest more depths to his feelings, I tend to put at the back of my mind, or don’t think much of it. Simply because we had told each other neither of us were ready for a relationship. So I’ve always considered our relationship to be only friends at this point. I usually never push for anymore than a decent conversation and the sharing of time together. Physical intimacy, in my opinion anyway, belongs more to love, more to a committed relationship. And I know lately him and I have been closer – physically & emotionally – than we had ever been before, to a point where our friendship felt more like love, and to the point where most people around us thought we were dating. But I tell myself it’s only friendship, and there’s nothing more to it. And last night, we sat side by side the couch, and as the movie started, he shuffled over, and snuggled up to me, and leaned his head against my shoulder. And I know he often feels lonely, and that if there is one thing he needs above all, it’s affection. And is affection the same thing as love? I do not know. Can affection be given without any love? I don’t think so … but him, him voluntarily coming closer to me, and voluntarily taking hold of my arm, and him finding in me something he needs & wants- how surprised it made me feel when allย I allow myself to believe is that he only likes me as a friend …

Relieved and happy.

Hurray, I am seeing my friend in half an hour!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ I am so excited and so happy! Seriously I don’t know why our friendship sometimes feels so difficult and complicated, but I’m glad we always pull through ๐Ÿ™‚ Maybe it means it’s love!!! By the way, how do you when you love someone? (My ultimate life question). I tend to think that only time can tell when you love someone .. ie. if you still like a person after X months/years, it means you love them … but I haven’t decided on a duration yet! Or maybe it’s got to do with how much you’re ready to sacrifice for them? A few years back I used to think that “love is sacrifice” and to a certain extent I still believe that … I mean, you can genuinely like someone, enjoy their presence & company, and share a lot with them, and give them a lot – but would that mean loving them? Even with this friendship I’m struggling to see if it’s just infatuation or something more noble. It’s difficult to tell because I DO have a crush on him. And over the past six months he hasn’t always treated me particularly appropriately. More than once he stood up on me, and other times he’d be completely closed off. I’ve put up with it, and I Wonder if it’s because I’m blindly infatuated by him, or if it’s because I love him so I put up with his sometimes odd behaviour (as the majority of the times he was odd it actually had to do with him feeling very overwhelmed about events happening in his life). I’m curious and slightly confused. At the moment I’m not calling it love because I fear that in a few months time my feelings are going to change – so basically I’m saying right now I’m infatuated with him. On the other hand, I very consciously make every effort to treat him as lovingly as I can. So I don’t know. Maybe there is already love. It’s weird how some people are like, “oh yeah as soon as I met him I knew it was love” blablabla … Like, how would you know?! How would you know you’re not just going crazy and that he/she is the right person for you? It’s all so intriguing. And if you don’t have that thought when you meet someone, does it mean they are not right for you? All I know is that I remember thinking something similar when I first met my ex. I was like, “wow, we are so similar, he has to be the one for me!” but hm, let’s just say it didn’t last. I think love is definitely a time thing, and also a devotion kind of thing. Like, you have to be devoted to a person for a long time. I am so making sense here. Right. Yay, friend in twenty minutes. I am in love with him!! I could probably fly to his house because my heart is soaring and I feel as if I were onย a cloud!!!

Decision taken.

Following on from yesterday’s post

I sent my friend a message, I tried to make it really short and to the point. First I asked him if he had any plans for today or for this week (I’m hoping he might suggest we do something). But then I also said that if I didn’t hear from him within a few days, I will be going to his house to check up on him. At first I wasn’t sure if I should tell him this, as I thought perhaps he’d try to be out of his house as much as he can to avoid me. But I realised it’s better to tell him clearly what my intentions are, so that he doesn’t get surprised/mad that I go to his place completely uninvited. Secondly I thought if I told him at least it gave him some power of the Relationship. If he doesn’t want me to come, he can just tell me so. Finally, I said that if he didn’t want me to speak to him he should let me know as soon as he can. As I still don’t know whether he is crossed at me or not, I don’t know if he gets annoyed that I message him.

Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t replied … so I am still uncertain what to make of the situation. However I’m trying to keep positive: if he were angry at me, wanted me gone, and didn’t want me to come around, surely he would have said something by now. Anyway, I will most probably go round to his place tomorrow as I am busy on Thursday and Friday. He has just less than 48 hours to let me know I shouldn’t come …

I’ve also done more thinking about our friendship and although I’m finding his current behaviour completely odd, unusual, and weird, I still believe what we have is special, and that he still values it. Well, for a start the last times we hung out together we kissed each other good-bye on the lips … and I definitely hadn’t forced it, so he must have felt something back then, so surely he still feels at least a little something … but also I remembered him saying that he craves affection at the moment. So I don’t understand why he’d pust me away when he knows how in love I am with him. Next time I see him, I will remember this, and won’t let my shyness and fear stop me from being as affectionate as I dream to be. Most likely is he needs it and I can give it to him. So I should just do it.

I also Wonder what sort of help he is after and in what ways I can help him. I can help him finding help … that is, if he does want help. Which I’m sure he does anyway. But then I can’t just do too much, or be the only one. In fact, that’s the other question constantly in my mind: does he have another friend looking out for him the way I am? Has he seen any other friends recently? Has anyone wondered if he’s depressed? If I knew I was the only one, I would act instantly, but I just don’t know. It’s really bad to leave a depressed person alone, but I don’t know if he is or not! And if I ask him, he will not answer me because he is being completely closed off at the moment, and I still don’t know if it’s got anything to do with me personally, or if he is being that way with everybody else.

It doesn’t help that I had a dream about him last night, and that we were sleeping together ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I miss him so terribly much … I miss how often we saw each other! I miss him speaking to me. He HAS changed … which means he can change back … we’ll work out a way I’m sure. All I have to do is prove to him I’m not scared and that I’m happy to be here for him when he needs someone. Good thing I am on holidays right now which means I can accomodate my Schedule to help him with things. Maybe I can suggest accompanying him to his appointment? I’ve read that’s a good thing to do as it shows support.

It’d actually be pretty embarrassing if he was actually completely fine and was just rejecting me. But I don’t think that’s really the case. Well I’m probably making him sound very depressed right now, but to be honest, I am not even certain he is. He simply shows some symptoms and I’m just getting worried. So there we are.

UDATE a few hours later: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO guys I’m having a bit of a party here because the guy’s answered me and he said I can come over tomorrow!! ๐Ÿ˜€ Hurray!! Which means he’s not angry at me!!!