I can’t sleep tonight. Well, I turned and twisted in the sheets for forty minutes to no avail. I really want to talk to you because there are so many things I want to tell you and make you aware of! But, you are not here tonight, and it is late, and I hope you are asleep and dreaming, so you can feel better tomorrow.
I was just wondering if you’d like to have dinner out with me sometime next week before I leave for my holiday? I feel it’s been ages since we’ve gone out … but then, we were never really going out, right? Well I’d like to just eat out with you one of these days, so I get the chance to catch up with you and spend some time with you outside of our own homes. Would you like that? Can we, please? We can say it’s not a date if it makes you too uncomfortable. No don’t even worry about that; we’ll go as friends (friends who are in love with each other!). Also, if you’re a bit tight on cash, we can go to a relatively cheap place, and I’ll pay for you, too. I really hope you feel up for it. But then if you did, I’d really like to make it a special occasion, somehow, and wear a nice dress, and put on some make-up, too. Would you mind if I did that? Hopefully not. I wish I could ask you already, and that you’d let me know what you thought. Anyway this coming week I am only free on Wednesday or Tuesday evening … hopefully one of these evenings you are available, too.
I’ve been meaning to speak to you about your well-being as well. But anything very serious is so difficult to talk about – don’t you find that, too? I think I’ve already told you I am worried about you, and I still am. You getting sick so often is not a good sign, neither are the headaches. Have you seen a doctor? I urge you to go and see one. I feel we ought to have a proper conversation about this. I feel you’ve let yourself down lately, simply because you are not looking after yourself the way you should. If only you had proper sleep patterns, a healthier diet, and included some daily exercise in your routine, I’m sure it could improve at least a little, your overall health. Concerning your mental and emotional self, I hope you see the psychologist soon and that the sessions wil be beneficial to you. I have a lot of advice but I don’t want to just impose my beliefs or habits on you, not unless you want to hear them. But please never be afraid – nor ashamed – to ask me for anything, even if it’s just to come around to give you some company. I’m here for you, don’t ever forget that.
What else has been on my mind …? Oh yes, music! I guess we will not be busking tomorrow as you will probably feel too ill, and we will not have rehearsed any music. But hopefully tomorrow we can learn a few songs and we can go busking next week. I can’t wait! Have I ever told you how much I love playing music with you? It is just so fun! Also, you better keep your week-end of the 23rd, 24th and 25th of April free – as this is when we might have the gig I mentioned to you earlier today. I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow, but isn’t it so exciting?! We’ll get to play in front of people again! Yay! I really hope you’ll be able to make it. I’m also so excited about all the other projects you spoke of. I’ve always wanted to record a CD and doing it with you would be so much fun I’m sure, and it would be such a nice thing to own … But we really need to get started on arranging/composing music!! Hopefully we can talk about this tomorrow as well …
Sigh, do you ever ask yourself if you love me or if I love you or if we have love? It was also running through my mind while I was trying to get to sleep. I know once you asked me whether it was lust or love that made me feel so attracted to you. You know I am, and always will be, very reluctant to call anything love. I mean love is supposed to be the strongest and most stable feeling (in my opinion), yet all the times I thought it was love, the feeling faded as if it was fickle! Of course sometimes when I want to kiss you, it is because of lust alone. But other times, it’s not. Is it the same with you? For example, when you’re still asleep in the morning and I kiss your forehead before I go – that’s not lust. Or when I kiss you good-bye after spending a whole day with your cherished company – that’s not lust either. I’m not sure if it’s love, though. I mean, does the fact that it’s not lust definitely make it love?
But we do have something special, don’t we? I mean, I know I’ve never had a friendship like this … on the other hand, it’s not really friendship and you know it. We cross the lines way too many times, way too often, for this to be just friendship. And I like how I feel objective about us, rather than crazy and obsessed. And I like how I feel very very grounded, and how you are not changing me at all. But I also like how we can be crazy and immature together, and how we can also be serious and talk about important matters. And I like how you trust me and how I trust you, however I know we don’t trust each other completely just yet – that’s a work in progress, and considering where your last relationship got you, it’s completely understandable and I am in no rush. I know gaining your trust will take a while, but it will be a rewarding journey.
For now, as it has been really the majority of the time, our relationship remains a mystery to me. Friends, love, friends with benefits … what is it that we are, or what is it that we have? I realise that not having a word describe our relationship make it even more special. It is more than friendshipm but it is less than love. We are somewhere in between, somewhere in the grey. And it’s nice to be there with you, because we can be friends one day, and lovers the next – and it is up to us, and we are okay with it. And we don’t have to put boundaries anymore, we can just let ourselves be, and follow our instincts and feelings. The future knows what’s in store for us, and we know that the future knows. I just find this whole inability to put a word to us completely fascinating – our relationship is unique only to us. And what a nice thought that is.
Oh well, I guess I should return to bed for round 2 of trying to sleep …
Much love, my friend (notice this closing of the letter …)