to kiss or not to kiss …

the longing is becoming so unbearable and intolerable that i feel like crying. i have a titanic desire to kiss him first thing when i see him again. i can imagine it. i can picture it in my mind. what a kiss it would be! how much feeling would be behind it. we’ve only really kissed three times. of those, two were clearly out of mutual consent: there was a brief moment of eye contact, as if we were both asking and answering each other whether we could kiss. and those two kisses were so short, so delicate … almost fragile … and yet in them there was also a sense of confidence, of .. love? since we had both agreed to kiss each other. the third kiss was very different. and i know that if i found the courage to kiss him the next time i see him, it will be the same sort of kiss as this third one. it would mostly take him by surprise and i would not even ask for permission or consent. i’d just go for it because my body would have been dying to kiss him. but you see, i do not know if it was okay to kiss him the way i did. i don’t know if he felt offended or annoyed that i slipped my hand around his neck and pulled his face to mine. i don’t know if it’s ok to kiss him, and yet, how i want to … how i long to …  how would he react if i kissed him passionately and with all the crazy missing and longing that’s been building over the past two weeks without even warning him? should i respect his boundaries more than i should respect my desires? the kiss – it’s all i can think of … i can feel it already, it’s in my throat – a tight knot of desire. and yet, i Wonder, what if he feels the same way? what if he, too, thinks of it, and finds himself burning to be close to me, yet – feels too shy, or has the same doubts as i have? oh, how am i to know whether or not he would be okay with me kissing him? how my kiss would reveal so much to him … and i don’t know either how much of my feelings for him i should show …

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