distance unnoticed.

hey, you are online
a few days ago i would have
sent you a message, desperately
asking you if you’d like to skype tonight –
but now the sight of your name brings me
nothing
and i have no desire to see you
or even hear about you, from you.
those days are gone
and you know what,
i don’t think you’ve even noticed.
so all the better for me.
i have lost nothing if you do not
notice my distance.

lu do vic.

he blew air kisses in my direction as he walked away.

it’s always sad to say good-bye
but knowing he values me
makes the pain more bearable.

i wanted to run up to him
and give him a warm hug.
but he will be married soon,
he already loves somebody.

and i am not heartbroken about it
i really am happy for him;
him and i have become friends
and that’s a beautiful thing.

So I am currently in Mauritius on holidays. We arrived Sunday of last week and are leaving this Saturday for Reunion Island. The holidays have been going great so far. We are staying in an awesome hotel. The food is delicious and there are plenty of activities organised throughout the day including aquagym, fitness classes, karaoke etc. As it is located right on the beach one can also go out for snorkelling, parasailing, windsurfing, and other ocean-related sports.

Obviously for me the highlight of the holiday is the music. Four nights a week, a band called Danse Sensation plays at the bar until close to midnight. Last time I was in Mauritius, which was three years ago, they also played at this hotel and this was where I met them. We became friends in a way because they repeatedly invited me on the stage to sing with them. The experience was for obvious reasons truly unforgettable. I am shy and don’t think much of my singing. These people took me out of my comfort zone, but with such kindness and support, a confidence in myself evolved from the few evenings performing with them.

I was so excited to see them again and was surprised, in a way, that they all remembered me. I had kept a little in touch with the main singer through emails once or twice every year, and I had also become friends on FB with other members of the band.

So far I have performed every single time they have been playing at the hotel, which has ben five times since my arrival here. Again they are so kind and supportive, always giving me positive feedback about my performance, especially my singing. They even let me play songs solo, which is the first time I have ever done that. The singer gave my family chocolates for Valentine’s day, and the guitarist gave me his guitar pick. Meeting them has been a huge blessing and I will never forget how they made me feel.

They truly are such talented musicians, all of them, but what I admire most is their friendliness and their warmth – the way they have included me and made me feel a worthy member of their band, one who is always welcome, one who is appreciated and loved – how nice that is, when I am no one particularly special …

I hope to post videos of me singing one of these days as soon as I can get one off someone!!! 🙂

5 little moments of beauty with you.

i) Sweaty from playing tennis, we ventured into the golf course. It was evening and there was no one around. We stopped by a tree and admired the sky: the sun was on its way down so the colours were a warm orange and pink. Then we kept walking along the path, side by side, not holding hands. You said you felt content. And I did, too.

ii) Although we were both tired, on that one night we spoke for what felt like hours, about personal things including how we felt about each other. And just before we fell asleep we did tongue twisters and ended up laughing and in stitches. I think both you and I fell asleep happy that night.

iii) Whenever you pull me in at night, or take my hand. And I know at this stage, it’s need rather than love. But I’m glad you can find in me something you need. Also that time when we went for an evening walk after our gig and you took my hand. It made my stomach fuzzy.

iv) Sitting side by side on the bench one afternoon in front of the river, you opened up to me about everything after weeks of shutting me out. I remember listening carefully and not knowing how to respond to all your misfortunes … but I was glad to be made aware and most importantly I was so happy you valued our friendship enough to confide in me.

v) On the 12th of October after spending the whole day together it was time to finally say good-bye. As we leaned in for a hug our eyes met. We were both asking each other the same question, weren’t we? “Can I kiss you?” And so, we kissed. A very short kiss, because we both knew it was love … our first kiss …

Innocent reflections …

There is real sensuality in his mysteriousness … mystery in the face most often devoid of emotions – a book completely shut – and somehow a liveliness shines through, through a strum on his guitar … other times, like a drop of sunshine on a rainy day, a smile lights up his face and one gets a glimpse into his soul; then the moment is truly heart-warming, and opens up the desire to know more, to see more into this music-loving, shy soul. One feels a degree of attraction towards this being who sems to have a heart safely hidden between walls, open only to a select few. Physically, one gets accustomed to his face the more one looks at it. His thin nose and hair always tied neatly nto a ponytail at the back of his head, an earring dangling from his left ear … he is unlike anyone I have ever laid my eyes on; I feel he is quite unique. I cannot help but fall a little more drunk in lust with him each passing night. The moments when our eyes meet act like a fuel, an extra shot in an already alcoholised drink … and my ability to think straight decreases with each sip …

Just innocent reflections about a harmless holiday crush who plays guitar 🙂

Affection vs. love?

Something about abstract terms like “affection” and “love” is driving me mad. I think it is their vagueness and lack of true definition.

My friend has said – twice – that he had been craving affection. What am I to make of that, how am I to interpret such a thing? What IS affection – and is it different to love? What can I do to fulfill his cravings for affection, and how can I make sure not to give him love, if affection is not love?

How does affection translate in physical form? Is it simply a matter of physical touch, closeness and contact with another? As in, a kiss, a carress, an embrace? And again I ask myself, can affection be given without love? And if someone craves affection, is it the same as needing love?

And there’s another thing I’ve realised. I cannot assume he loves me from his needing my affections. I am a little afraid that I may fall in the trap of believing that just because he asks me for a kiss, he loves me. The reason he wants a kiss is simply because he craves affection; it may have nothing to do with me personally. Can love evolve from need? Or does need equal dependence? Is our Relationship doomed because he needs me, when love should be independence?

Yet I know that I am his primary source of affection at the moment. And does that mean anything? Is there a reason that he keeps telling me he wants affection? Has he asked anybody else for the same thing? Is there something particular about me that makes him confess his desires to me and not anyone else?

Does he love me? Does he need me? Does he only want affection? Affection without love? What’s the difference between affection and love, if there is one?

I guess there is really only one way to find out exactly what he means … I must ask him. I shall ask him what he means by affection, and what he would like me to give him. Perhaps it is nothing more than a warm embrace, but perhaps it could be so much more. I shall ask him, and I will.