Long and lame post 3.

It feels so nice to have a complete day off. Especially after a hectic day.

Yesterday was the first time I had three gigs in one day. The first one was in a Church about 20mins away from my place. A ballet company performed a ballet in the Church to celebrate Easter. I was put in the corner of the auditorium and performed some background music before and after the ballet. Therefore I got to see the ballet as well!

After this I headed back home, had half an hour to chill, another half an hour to eat, and then left again. This time I had 30mins to drive to the hills for a gig in a restaurant, with none other than my beloved friend XXX. We met directly at the restaurant. We spent twenty minutes speaking to the other musician who was performing before us, and trying to work out a way to get the harp over the fence as the performance area was surrounded by a fence and there wasn’t a gate anywhere (very smart). We ended up having to lift the big harp horizontally over the fence. I was petrified that someone would drop it and it’d be the end of my harp career!

My friend and I played for about an hour, mostly pop tunes, including Imagine, the Game of Thrones theme, Stairway to Heaven … but also a classical tune (Bach’s Prelude in C). It seems most people liked it, we got a couple of claps after every song. We were a little Under prepared, thanks to my friend who cancelled our rehearsal last night!

After an hour of playing, we decided to stop as my friend still hadn’t eaten. We joined his parents and their friends at a table. Joy of joy, one of their friend introduced me as the “daughter in law” to another friend. LOL. That was a bit awkward but mostly hilarious as I have a huge crush on my friend, and I absolutely adore him, and I think he likes me too (but I’m not so sure still). It didn’t help that I was sitting directly across from my crush so it sort of felt like we were there as a couple rather than as friends. I’ve never been good with romantic things, especially not with my friend as we always hang out as friends.

My friend ordered a main meal and I got some dessert. Once we’d finished eating, we went for a walk outside. It was so quiet. We walked down a street, next to a winery. We weren’t speaking very much … I had my reasons. Still, it was so nice, and the atmosphere between us wasn’t tense at all. As usual. When we got back to the restaurant, it was pretty much time for me to leave for gig #3. So we packed the harp up, and off I left, with my friend, who didn’t want to be left with his parents for the rest of the day.

I was going to give him a lift home but we didn’t have enough time, so he came with me to my gig. He helped me unload the harp, and as I was so tight on time, he parked the car for me, lol. I don’t know what he did for the first half an hour, but he came by the reception area and listened to me play for the remaining 15minutes of my gig. Finally, when I was done, he helped me pack everything back.

And then I drove him home. It was mostly quiet again between us. Not only was I so tired from the day, but all my thoughts were completely out of place and inappropriate. I couldn’t think of a worthwhile thing to say, so I didn’t say anything at all. We gave each other a quick hug before he got out of my car, and I drove away.

I had just gone down the street when a voice told me I should go back. Well, I was very very hesitant. I had left so many things unsaid and didn’t know if I should say them to him or not. In any case, a part of me just yelled Inside, “just go and tell him honestly how you feel, grab the opportunity while it’s there, while you can”. So I drove back. But once Inside his house, all my courage had vanished again. We stood outside my car, and all I could managed to say was that I had written him two letters. So I gave them to him. And then we hugged again. But this time a longer hug. So I was a little happier.

Anyhow, today I did like nothing. Ok, that’s a lie. I spent a good hour ironing 2 week’s Worth of clothing. Then I organised my calendar, went through all my emails to make sure I don’t have a gig coming up that I accidently had missed jotting down. In the afternoon I had to fill the car with petrol, and take my sister to the shops. Later in the afternoon, my parents’ friends came over and my mum forced me to go and play some music for them. And just then I have attempting to draw my crush (copying off a magnificent photo of him, lol) but it hasn’t turned out as well as I would like. Not that I expected any different, I’ve never been talented at art. I might spend the rest of my evening reading a book or writing or meditating … and tomorrow, when all my batteries will have been replenished, I’ll be ready to get straight back into work!!

thoughts about my first (and probably last) clubbing experience;

I felt I had no friends at all. I connected with no one. Not even my usual friends. I felt so far away, so alienated. And in all honesty, I felt like if only XXX had been here, I would have enjoyed myself more; at least, him and I connect, very well, in whatever circumstances and conditions. It was then, in that big crowd of strangers whom I felt awkward and different around, that I realised how important XXX is to me. And truly, I missed him. As I made my way, painfully, through the crowds, the sweaty bodies, my thoughts about the whole place and culture of clubbing jumped and churned in my head, coming too quickly, uncontrollably; and my only longing was for that special pair of ears to hear them. But I was so alone – and the fact that there were so many people made me feel all the more alone. Nothing about my personality had anything to do with this. I did not feel comfortable – for goodness’ sake, I know where my place is in this world! Unless I am creating meaningful relationships, helping others, or improving myself, I am unhappy and unsatisfied. What is it with clubbing and “having the time of your life”? I waste my time in a place which made me feel disconnected, stupid, afraid, uncomfortable and sick. And it made me realise how un-normal I am. I have no desire for party. Spiritually, I am above all that non-sense, as if I had skipped ten years of my life. I am someone who enjoys deep conversations, and most importantly, meaningful relationships. It seems people go clubbing to pretend to be social, but by dancing they are avoiding conversation. I do not belong here. And the stench of alcohol, the music that blares and rings in my ears – music that isn’t even Worth dancing to? Why do I have to be stretched out of my comfort zone for an experience I see makes me gain no personal benefits? How I longed for my real friend (XXX) … he’d have understood me, I am sure of it. He knows me, after all, right? Or doesn’t anyone know me after all?

confused, probably in love, in fact very likely.

i don’t know what this really is anymore. as i drove home, a thought endlessly repeated itself in my head …” i love him, i love him, i love him, i love him …” i’ve felt funny all of tonight. i don’t understand. all i know is that you  mean so much to me. so much more than i had once thought, although i’ve always known i like you, and that i like having you as a friend. now i feel you are the friend who understands me the most. maybe the friend who knows me the best, too. maybe you are my best friend. and maybe i love you for that very reason. but also i know i love who you are. you can be unreliable and annoying but apart from that i know you are a good person. i cannot get enough of getting to know you. i feel you are so beautiful, and there is so much more i can and will discover. and i love how similar yet different we are. you are the only one to laugh at my jokes and i’m the only one to laugh at yours. we are both shy and introverted, we both crave meaningful relationships, we both value honesty very much, we both love music and we both like to be very childish every now and again. but you are a little all over the place, whereas i am the neat organised freak. your head is in the clouds half the time whereas i am always very consciously aware of what i am doing at a given point at a given place. one thing i’ve realised is that we make a very good team, you and i. whether it is to park my car (you giving me accurate instructions), to organising our music for our gigs (i.e. me printing all the music for you because i know you will not have done it yourself), to organising the running of our gigs (who brings what, with which car). seriously i have never enjoyed team work so much as with you. the satisfaction of US is greater than any personal one. i didn’t know together could be better than by myself. but i think i get it now. it’s amazing doing things together, you and i. it’s one of my life’s greatest source of joy.

just thinking about my guy friend.

I really like this guy. I really do. And I’m grateful for having such an easy friendship, because this sort of friendship is one I have not really had with a guy before. Around him, I feel very comfortable. I am incredibly myself, and I don’t even bother trying to be someone I am not. How special that is: to be able to be me, to say whatever bad joke I want to say, to speak whatever latest thought (no matter how random or twisted) is on my mind. And how special it is to be able to have fun together without even speaking, just sitting side by side in the car, looking out the window and listening to the music; the silence is more like a soft invisible blanket rather than a tense elastic that is bound to snap. I can’t deny that I find much enjoyment out of this friendship, in the presence of his company, because I DO. We get on so very well, we laugh at the same things, we are both considerably childish and immature Inside, and music will always be there to bond us.

But I don’t know – is our friendship really that special? To me, it is. He is the only guy I am this close to. The only guy with whom I can keep a friendship without it becoming anything more (although we did start becoming more involved, but it’s over now). But perhaps he has lots of other girl friends he is close to. Perhaps he has had this sort of friendship with a girl before; this sort of intimacy, trust, and general enjoyment, and comfort … perhaps he does not think or value my friendship as much as I value his.

And I know that is very likely, because he is less spiritual than I am, less optimistic than I am, and generally takes set-backs more personally than I do. Everything I have, I value with all my heart and take very seriously. He does not think in the way I do. He does not understand that half the reason our friendship is the way it is now, is because I made it so. He might not attribute much meaning to our friendship because he simply has not cultured the habit of gratefulness. Without it, how can he appreciate what we have as much as I do?

Yet, I believe, somewhere Inside, he knows. I guess what I am saying is that he is in denial a little. I think a part of him knows what I am, I think a part of him knows I am helpful, and that I bring something he needs, and that I am important in his life, in one small way or another. I think a part of him has realised that – if not, why wouldn’t he have let go of me by now? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to?

Then again, maybe I am already fooling myself. Maybe I believe he values me because I wish he did.

What is my truth? Only one thing – my feelings. All I can trust with certainty, at this point in time, is that I like this guy, as a friend definitely.

my mother: part III.

my little mother had an MRI …

and when she came back from the room
dressed in the plain blue long gown
i saw in her eyes, how she had cried
and she explained to me,
how Under that tight tunnel
she had had trouble breathing
and how she had been this close
to setting the alarm –
my poor mother,
she was so panicked …

at ten at night, was time we go home
on our way out, she stopped for a drink
so thirsty – that’s what had
caused her so much grief
back in that tunnel –
and she pressed the little button
but her arm, oh her arm
it sh, sh, sh, shook
and the whole water fountain
was shaking with her …