Yay, I am even more in love with XXX.

I went round to his place this afternoon. He was playing guitar when I arrived. He had made brownies and offered me some, as Well as some sweet potato fritters (I finished them all). He looked so nice today. Apparently he was wearing a new shirt and new pants. So there. But also he had shaved so his skin looked so smooth! So yeah, crush level 100. He seemed in a pretty good mood which was nice to see!!

We went back to mine and we unloaded the harp from my car. He said hello to my mum and her friend. Actually he said “bonjour” (we are French) but then he was like, “that’s the only French I know” lol. Then he said, “we’re going to an awesome concert!” but they didn’t even hear him (but I did). lol. I just loved his enthusiasm, he sort of reminded me of a little child. Just so thrilled about it. I guess that’s something else I fell in love with!

Off we drove to the concert. The concert was in a chapel at a cemetery. A bit of a weird venue but it was for a sort of historical-based concert. We arrived some few minutes early so walked around the headstones.

The chapel was pretty small, yet they had tried to put as many seats in as possible. This resulted in sitting quite close to each other! Which I obviously did not mind. It was nice and cosy. And I liked being this close to him again.

Most of the concert was performed by the guitar quartet, the first guitarist being XXX’s teacher (hence why XXX was so excited). What is funny is that another member of the quartet is actually the wife of the XXX’s teacher! They actually performed two pieces together. So it sort of reminded me of XXX and I a little. 🙂

During the interval XXX went off to the bathroom but before he did he asked me if I could hold his concert programme. I was like, “no” as a joke. He ended up putting the concert programme on top of my head. lol. We are weird like that.

Oh I forgot to say but on the way to the concert he told me about his friend’s theory that apparently girls who have big butts have souls and girls who have no butts have no souls. What the hell is that theory, seriously. I ended up telling him that this theory exists so that guys have a reason to check out girls’ butts. XXX didn’t deny this was a useful purpose.

Also during the first half, sometime during a song, XXX leaned close to me and asked me (whispering) how I found his teacher. I had once seen a photo of his teacher and told XXX he was pretty handsome. So tonight when XXX asked me what I thought of his teacher now that I had seen him in real life, I replied with “hot!” lol.

During the second half of the concert, a wave of desire hit me. I really just wanted to kiss my good friend who was sitting so close to me by my side. His jumper was against mine, I could practically feel some heat radiating off him. I could just about picture myself kissing him and sliding my lips down his neck. The thought really did send me shivers and my stomach flipped and flopped and I had to close my eyes and will the thoughts away.

We stayed a while back after the concert to chat to the quartet people (including his teacher – who I met). But I was so tired I could barely form a proper sentence. So then we drove back home to mine to have some dinner. Luckily there was some soup left and Mum had prepared us a salad. We ate and Mum and her friend joined us to talk. Well, they did most of the talking. We came to speak of cars and we were looking for the word which describes a car without a roof. So I suggested the word “topless”.
Then XXX was like, “you know, that is actually a proper correct term”.
And we were like, “no, it can’t be?”
And he said, “no no, it is, it really is. You can say topless car.”
But then we all just laughed and realised he had just made the worst joke ever. In fact the reason I had even said topless was because HE had said it once to describe a ‘roofless’ car he had seen! lol. But I looked at him thinking, “dude, your jokes are terrible, but man, how I love that you say them!”

After dinner we cleaned up an it was maybe around 11pm. I was tired and I thought XXX would just want to head home as lately it had felt like he’d been avoiding spending too much time with me at my home. But he stayed. We went in my room and he tuned the guitar then spent a fair amount just playing. I was too tired to join him so I rested on my bed and listened to him. He improvised this very silly tune which got us laughing.

And half an hour ago I dropped him back at his. Just before he left the car, we hugged. Obviously I wanted to kiss him but I just can’t find any courage to do it. Well, I don’t think it has anything to do with courage. It’s more like respect at this stage. I know exactly what he wants, what he accepts, and what he doesn’t. Why push the boundaries?

Anyhow, there has to be something about us, I realise. Obviously I have feelings for him and it is my decision and choice to stay JUST his friend no atter how frustrating for me it can get. But what about his feelings for me? Surely he must have some. He KNOWS how much I like him. I have confessed my crush on him time and time again … plus the only framed photo in my room is one of him and I … and he’s the only gui invited to my party … I think a guy wouldn’t bother to stay friends with a girl if he doesn’t reciprocate her romantic feelings, right? Like, they would feel awkward if the girl liked them and they didn’t return the feelings? So why is XXX still chilling out with me and hanging out and wanting to hang out? Surely he must like me more than a friend, too?

The stranger-friend.

I played harp for a function this evening. As I was playing, I noticed a person sit on the couch in front of me. I could tell this person was actively looking at me and listening to me. I started to smile. When I had finished my piece, we sort of said hello to each other. He looked really nice and friendly, such that I didn’t feel that particular pressure to appear a certain way in front of him. (The pressure I am talking about is basically having to be a mature, polite, well-mannered, adulty sort of person who plays music; also being elegant, feminine as I guess I was employed to showcase the new property group being displayed).

I don’t know but with this total stranger I totally got the vibe he knew that I wasn’t REALLY like that and also that he didn’t expect me to behave in that socially and culturally acceptable fashion. So I began playing another piece and I just felt like laughing so I briefly looked up and said, “you’re distracting me!!” as a joke. Seriously, who says such a bad joke to a stranger?! Yep, me! But then he just laughed.

He listened to me for some while and later came over. He told me he was fascinated by the harp and asked me whether I can play any Latino sort of music, but sadly I don’t. Nevertheless, he told me to look it up on YouTube in my spare time. He also said he was really enjoying my music.

Oh yeah and then at one point this other person walked towards me and decided to take a photo. I noticed him and looked at my newly met friend and pulled a face, like, “I am being photographed, help me!!!!” …. I actually pulled a face!!!

It was really great to have an audience considering this was supposed to be a background music gig. But it was even better to have him as an audience! I just can’t explain it but I felt like we were already fiends, or that with the very few tiny conversations we had, we had become friends. It was a bit of an odd sensation, really. Like inside I was thinking he seemed like a really fun person with whom I probably would get along really well. It’s weird how one gets those sensations sometimes.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to catch his name and I didn’t give him my business card so we have no way of finding each other online. So chances are I won’t see him ever again. Which by the way is why I wrote this post! One day I will read it again and go, “oh yeah I totally remember that guy!” 🙂 So what I learnt from today is that sometimes you feel very weird vibes with people. And that even a small interaction can be very uplifting. And sometimes maybe we can simply FEEL who we are supposed to get on with.

typical xxx …

Yesterday morning, XXX messaged me and said he had no petrol in his car to go to uni. So I suggested he come to mine so I give him some of my money and he can pay me back today. I was totally in my work-out clothes (sports bra and short shorts) but I tried my best to cover my body behind the door. Nevertheless, I think he noticed my semi-nakedness because he was like, “oh you’re ready to go running!”. I had slipped a twenty-dollar note in between the two letters I had written him.

Last evening, this man took me out to have some champagne with him. He is a pretty important name in the classical music scene in my city and basically he wanted to take me out for drinks to thank me for participating in a concert two weeks ago. As I am still on my provisional license, I could not drive, so I asked XXX if he could pick me up from the train station to take me back home after going out (we live 5mins away from each other). He said sure.

So I went to the city and at 10:30pm I sent XXX a text saying the man would pay me a cab to go back home so he needn’t worry about picking me up. I didn’t get any reply and I did find it sort of weird.
I got home a little before 1am and checked my Facebook. XXX was online and we started to chat. He apologised for not picking up his phone (which apparently had died halfway through the show he was performing in). He also told me that he had gotten back to his home at the same time I got back home (i.e. really, really late), and that he had had to walk from the train station all the way to his, which took an hour. He didn’t tell me everything that happened (he said it’s a long story and he should tell it to me over coffee), but I am guessing his car must have broken down or something.

Then he asked me how my evening had gone. I said silly things to tease him like, “oh yeah we nearly had sex because I was so beautiful” – I was making a total joke of course but still, XXX was like, “did you guys actually have sex?!” hahaha!!!

Then I asked him how he would get to uni today considering his car must be broken. We ended up agreeing I would pick him up at ten to eight this morning, drive him to the station and let him borrow my train travel card (as he doesn’t have one). He asked me if I was sure I’d be happy to get up this early in the morning and I said yes. Then he was like, “you’re too nice”. And I went, “I am too in love with you, that is also the problem!!!!” lol. Just casually. He didn’t say anything back to that, though. Didn’t need to!

So this morning my alarm went off and I checked my FB. XXX had already messaged me saying he was feeling crap and he’d rather stay home than go to class.

Ah boy. I wonder what happened to him yesterday. I can’t wait to hear his story! But my gosh, he always gets himself in odd situations!! I don’t know how he does it. Maybe he was naughty in a past life or something and karma is out to get him.

So we will be going to a concert Saturday night and hopefully he can tell me his story then! 🙂

things that happened.

So I had booked two tickets for a concert this evening – one for me, one for XXX. This morning I sent him a text reminding him the concert was on (he has no diary so he is very forgetful!). He texted me some minutes later saying he hadn’t forgotten and he’s still cool to go. So I was excited! I asked him if I could catch a lift with him to the venue. Then a whole two hours went past and when he texted me again, it was to say he in fact could not go as he doesn’t have enough petrol in his car and he needs to practice for a performance he has tomorrow.

That’s what I mean by his unreliability. It is slightly frustrating sometimes when you start making plans only to have him cancel them at the last minute. That said, I wasn’t too bummed about today since the weather was so bad and it didn’t really make me want to get out of the house. Plus I understand and respect that he needs to practice, so it’s not like he just bailed out for no reason.

At least we should be going to another concert on Saturday. I say should because although we have booked tickets, one can never be sure with him until literally a few hours before the actual event if the plans are to go on. He is really teaching me how to stay cool and how to be flexible – so there are positive aspects to the situation. I doubt he will cancel Saturday though because this concert is a guitar one (and he plays guitar) – plus his teacher is performing in it … plus we actually had to pay for the tickets! (Tonight’s concert was free) (and actually, I payed for our tickets, lol).

I haven’t really talked about Sunday, though. He came to mine at 10.45am and we had a one-hour rehearsal which was very fun. He helped me load my huge instrument in the car – but he almost got stuck under it, lol. He is really so awkward and gay sometimes! But I love him! 😛 So the drive took about 45minutes, and there was a boom gate at the entrance of the camp site; except there no button to press and no one to open the gate for us. So in the end, he actually got out of the car and lifted the boom gate himself, and I drove the car forward. It was pretty funny. It turned out the power had actually gone out which is why the gate wasn’t opening. We unpacked our instruments then went off to lunch. We sat with one of my students and her new friend. After a while XXX got up and said he was going to have a cup of tea. And then he asked me if I wanted one. Well I thought that was very sweet of him. So he made me a cup of tea. Then once lunch was over we went back to the seminar building to perform!

We had prepare a few pieces and songs and most of them went well. It was just the first one we both made mistakes in. He forgot about the repeats, I forgot to change my pedals, etc, etc … but it was SO fun! 😀 There was a girl sitting in front of me and whenever we finished a song, she would just clap with a huge grin on her face, it made me really happy! But then the funniest happened. We played “Fireworks” by Katy Perry, and it was our last song to perform. Once we had finished it, XXX started tuning his guitar again and I was wondering why. It is true we hadn’t actually spoken about the order or songs but I had provided him with a list/order of our performance, and it was right under his nose! So he tuned the guitar as if we would play something else, except we hadn’t prepared anything else! So after he tuned I was like, “well, actually, that is all …. we’re done!” and he was like, “oh.” lol.

So then we packed everything up again, and we went back home. He was being very quiet during the ride, probably thinking about some thing or other. We laughed at our mistakes but also reflected on the good things that happened during our performance. At one point he turned his head and looked at me. I noticed it so I went, “what?” and he simply just said “nothing”. What had he been thinking?! Once we’d arrived back at my place, he helped me unload the harp and then he said he would be heading straight back to his place to have a nap. I was disappointed as I wanted him to stay so we could watch a movie, chill, or do something together away from our instruments 😦 I didn’t say anything. So then we hugged. And I asked, “are you sure you don’t want to stay for a cup of tea?” but he refused. So there. Nothing I could do about it! If he wants to leave, well, I just have to let him go.

Kissing him always crosses my mind when we say good-bye but I never do a thing about it. A part of me understands it’s not the right time. Even though I may really want to do it. But maybe next time I can try just kissing his cheek. Just very quickly and delicately. And I’d like to stroke his face, too. But I don’t know. Dreams are just dreams sometimes.

Music & friendship: chemistry on stage.

Whenever I perform with my friend XXX, I wonder what people end up thinking about us. Do they think we are mere colleagues, musicians who just decided one fine day to jam for some time? Or does the way our music sound suggest to them we are friends rather than just colleagues? Two souls who genuinely enjoy spending time together, and indeed making music together? Or does it suggest something even more intriguing, like the idea that there is a chemistry beyond friendship between us?

I thought that it would always “click” with people if you play music together. But I’ve discovered that actually, that isn’t always the case. Yesterday I performed with a violionist for a wedding, but I felt no musical connection. Although we were playing the same songs/pieces, it felt more like we were separate parts playing at the same time. There was no sense of ensemble, no sense of connection or belonging or musical entity.

What was strange about this experience is that XXX and I make a very good musical team. When I play music with him, it does not matter whether I am providing accompaniment or am playing the main melody – I feel very connected to him, and it feels like we are actually making one same thing together. With him, there is a real sense of team-work which I have not experienced with anyone else before.

I am not in any way criticising the people I have worked with in the past. For a start, XXX and I are indeed close friends; everyone I have played music with before were people I didn’t really know, people I often feel shy around, or reluctant to reveal my true identity. XXX has seen many fascets of my personality so I feel very comfortable around him. I wonder if this – the level of friendship between two musicians – has an impact on the music they perform? I am curious because say you agree to perform a work with someone you do’t know, surely you can discuss with them your ideas on interpretation and how to make it work. Does friendship come into it at all? Would friend musicians perform something better than colleagues?

Back in December last year, XXX and I organised a concert. It lasted about 45 minutes – it was all just us playing. We had arranged all the music ourselves. Apparently one of my family friends said she could tell there was a sense of closeness/trust between us. So I thought that was interesting that someone (who by the way knows barely a thing about classical music – and had never met the guy or seen us together), picked up on our friendship just from the music we played.

Just this afternoon, XXX and I had another performance. It was actually very tiring because the power had gone out so there was no air-con and the room was stuffy and there was no breeze! Anyhow, we both made mistakes here and there but it went really well and it was very fun. However, what I want to write about is a comment someone made.

This someone is a famous harpist from Sydney who is in our city for a small visit. She came up to us after our performance and said she had loved it. But (wait for it) she also said that we had been very “together” – shaping every phrase and melody the same way. Basically what she meant was that we made a very good musical ensemble.

Ok, she didn’t exactly say she could sense we were past lovers or BFFS or anything, but I really loved the fact that she noticed our musical closeness, at least. I think it showed that indeed, XXX and I make a very good team, and it’s rewarding (as a musician) when someone notices things like that. Especially when they really do not know you at all.

So this got me thinking about why, or how, XXX and I seem to click really well musically. Obviously, being good friends probably helps – although it goes in both directions (i.e. playing music makes us better friends, and being better friends means our music gets better). It also helps that we both seem to have a innate ability to play any music (we can play many styles). But truly I think what makes the difference between playing with him and playing with someone else is that we listen to each other. A lot. I know that this afternoon I was paying very careful attention to his playing, so that I could play in harmony with him, both in terms of timing and expression. But I know that I sometimes also led, and because he was also listening to me, he followed me.

Basically, we adapted to each other’s playing in the moment as it happened. Because we were both listening to each other. And I think that is perhaps where our connection (at least musically) is. Just to emphasise my point, I now believe the vioinist I performed with on Saturday wasn’t really listening to me. When I tried to make a phrase sound beautiful, or add rubato, or whenever I slowed down/sped up, she didn’t really seem to catch any of it. She wasn’t really listening.

Another reason why I should value XXX in my life. Musically speaking we just work. And when it doesn’t work as well with other people it does make you realise you have something special going on. Can people notice it? Sometimes. And that is also a beautiful thing, when people can not only enjoy the music, but also have a feel for the relationship which joins the two individuals performing it. 🙂

thoughts on my friend and the importance of physical contact.

One other thing I love about him is his goofiness and immaturity – there is something still very childish about him even though he is a few years older than me. Which is probably why we have way too much fun sometimes because I am pretty childish too, at times!

This afternoon we had another two and a half or so long rehearsal for our performance on Sunday. I have this microphone which has an “applause” button and I turned it on hoping that applause would play through the speakers when I pressed the button. Except it didn’t work.
So I gave him the mic and I told him to sing some songs. Except he wasn’t making a very good job (he didn’t know the words of the first song). So then I started playing “Imagine” as I knew he knew the words of that one. Except he had to add unnecessary words and sounds …
“Imagine there’s no heaven …. mmmmyeah …. ”
It was so funny!!!
And then his phone rang and he was like, “ha-ha-ha, he-he-he” over the phone because it was loud and I guess he felt like scaring the person on the other line! What a freak :’)

After rehearsal we went for a quick walk through my neighbourhood. Once back at mine he packed his stuff and we went to his car. He opened his boot and he said, “no, don’t look in my boot, it’s full of crap!” (it is). So we spent a few seconds inspecting the inside of his boot, side-by-side, our arms were actually touching (and of course I had to notice I could feel his skin …). His boot for some strange reason contained a plastic colourful parrot. I asked him why the hell he had such a thing and he was like, “I don’t even know where I got it from, but I thought it was cool, so I kept it …” a PLASTIC BIRD!!!

To tease him I said, “I want to see what else is in your car!” but he didn’t want me to see any of it, so he quickly got in. So I went, “no hug?” and he opened his door and got out, and we hugged for like three seconds but I swear even something passed between us during those three seconds because I suddenly felt a little turned on and maybe so did he because he started a sentence and he couldn’t even finish it! 😛

I wish he could have stayed longer. I will ask him if he can stay for dinner on Sunday. It would be nice to spend all of Sunday together, like on that 12th of October … we had even kissed on that night; it was our first love kiss. I think we’ve only kissed 3 times. One must remain patient! But also open minded – I have to remind myself he is not the only fish in the pond and he may not be the best fish for me. I don’t know yet – how is one supposed to know? What are the signs?

Earlier this afternoon I was trying to nap but obviously, whenever I try to sleep I end up thinking about him. And I so wished he had been here napping with me. Is that an odd craving? No, I don’t think so. I think I just would like to have someone to snuggle up to and to keep myself warm with. Back in the day he often said that he “craved affection” – I think I feel the same way, now. I know that an emotional, intellectual, spiritual connection is important, but I think we underestimate the power of physical closeness and touch. How special it is to have someone hold us, and stroke us, and feel someone else’s skin on our own.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether physical intimacy is due only to physical attraction, or genuine love. I don’t know myself. The only thing I know is how it works for me personally. I only give myself away when I trust the person enough, and when I am attracted to them sexually of course – which isn’t everyone! So I would say there is a little bit of love, and a lot of attraction. But then the physical intimacy somewhat increases the love, perhaps – or sometimes, it does feel like it.

Which is what happened between my friend and I, and is the reason why we are not sleeping together anymore. 😦 Of course I am still just as attracted to him now as I was when I first met him some 10 months ago (holy crap, we’ve been friends nearly 1 year already!); but sometimes I wish we could be more physically close – just longer embraces, or holding hands, or patting each other on the back, or – I don’t know, just those little things – just being in physical touch with each other more …

I miss that a lot.

too in love to do anything about it.

I was out walking this afternoon when the truth hit me: no matter how logical it may be to move on from him, I simply cannot do it, because I am too attracted to him.
So from the look of things, it seems I will have to spend many more lonely nights, but there is nothing to be done about it, for I am so deeply in love with him. I am mad about him and I absolutely adore him and he makes me crazy … my infatuation is way too powerful at the moment to even consider moving on from him.
So I’m not even gonna try.