Written on the 19th of April

Maybe I will actually never be satisfied …? It’s been at least a month … well, 2 actually that I’ve been fighting myself for XXX’s sake. Now I am considering completely telling him good-bye. I don’t know exactly what I want with him – I am not sure I want a relationship yet – but I want more than just friends, that’s for sure … So do I really just want sex? A physical connection? I guess I want a little love, too. Just the same intimacy we had at the end of last year and at the beginning of this one. He pretty much refused to sleep with me unfrequently, too … once every 2 or 3 months … is he trying to move on from me? Should I just go out and meet new guys? But if all I want is sex, will I want to have sex with any guy? Or is there something in XXX that I will not find in just anyone? And how can I really tell him good-bye when we are truly such good friends? Or maybe we are not such great friends after all. Now I am starting to wonder what the point of everything is. If only I could fall for someone else! But I cannot even do that – I am emotionally unavailable to someone who does not want to hear any of it and who cannot even give me one night of satisfaction … if only he could consider my ridiculous idea a little more seriously, but maybe he is selfish, after all. Maybe he isn’t the right guy for me. Then how do I move on when we have projects together and every minute I spend with him is enjoyed and lovely and I keep liking him more and more? How can the likedness decrease? Or at least stop growing? Am I in love with him or do I actually love him and does it matter anyway which one is true? I wish I could just kiss him though. And feel his skin under mine. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe we can hug and I just will not let go. And then I can kiss him. A big or maybe a small kiss to start off but then he could easily pull away. Unless he freezes because he’ll be so surprised. Ideally though, he’d kiss me back. Anyway, what I have got to lose? One kiss, it’s not the end of the world, is it? I can fake an apology after, lol. Actually I won’t apologise since I will not be sorry. All I will have to say is, “XXX, I really, really needed that.”


The things that run through a girl’s mind! Anyway, I am so tired and I miss my friend XXX. I wish he could come over and give me a hug but I haven’t heard from him since Wednesday. I feel lonely 😦


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