Update: didn’t get to see/speak to XXX today! Although we’d agreed on around 5pm, he messaged me earlier that afternoon to tell me he was finishing off some university assignment that is due tomorrow and he’d call me to organise a time. Except he still hasn’t called and it’s 10pm 😦 So I guess I won’t see him today then as I know he’s got to get up early tomorrow for work. He also said other things that I won’t mention here but they got me concerned and again made me realise there’s a lot he is coping with at the moment.
So I didn’t get mad. Phew. If I were in the same mood as last week I would have had another rant at him. Lucky that my thinking has changed. Yes last week-end I made the mistake of sending him a big rant. I didn’t suspect he could be depressed, hence why I did it: I thought I should stand up for myself, let him know how pissed off I was and maybe he could finally realise he wasn’t treating me right! Well now I realise I really shouldn’t have done that and that all I wrote in my letter probably did not even HELP him and in fact probably made him feel like sh*t. So guess what, I am going to apologise.
In a way this is quite challenging for me, I don’t think I have ever experienced something like this before and it is all very new. I am a very organised person, a very happy & peaceful person, I like to get things done and I like to be active and I try to be as reliable as I can; I spend an awful amount of time organising my life and making sure everything is in place. And here I am with this friend who seems to lack any control over his life, whose plans are ever changing and who is probably as unhappy as I am happy.
(He is the ying to my yang. lol. ok, terrible joke.)
I’ve only known him for 10 months but already so much of myself has been challenged. My patience has often been stretched (like waiting for a letter, or sometimes even for a message, and in this case, waiting for this conversation to happen, which I feel is an urgent matter – the wait is just killing me!). Obviously being flexible is a huge challenge as I like to have my plans set in concrete well in advance and I hate having to change them. And because of this I’ve often just had to forgive him for changing my plans and as you know, forgiving can be difficult.
I’m not saying I hate knowing him because actually I feel like all those challenges make me enjoy the friendship even more. How to explain … on one hand, our friendship is terribly EASY because when we are together we just have the best time ever, may it be playing music, watching movies, or just hanging out. It’s always very fun. And on the other hand, the friendship is difficult (for the reasons I outlined above). So it is a very rewarding friendship for me; I get a lot out of the easiness, and I grow a lot as a person through the challenges.
I’ve been so close to giving up on him in the past. Even two weeks ago I had gone to his house to tell him I needed a break from seeing him? But he hadn’t been there so in the end I didn’t get the chance to. Maybe that was a sign! Sometimes when things get difficult or you make a mistake or the person hurts you, it is so tempting to give up and move on. It’s probably one of the most confusing cross-road.
I guess the reason I am holding on now is because he might need me and – I don’t know, we are actually both willing to admit we’ve hurt each other and we have to make things right again. He may have been very closed off lately but at least he has agreed that we need to have a long chat and that is a beautiful thought for me to hold onto because it means he values our friendship enough to communicate face-to-face about the things that are not just troubling him or me personally, but our shared friendship.
And it’s rare, isn’t it, the ability to have difficult conversations? Or maybe it is just a question of maturity. And courage. It fills me with a lot of hope & happiness that he is brave enough to speak to me. Especially since I may have hurt him, too. He wants to save our friendship, too. ♥
Damn I’m actually all teary now. I feel so silly for ever considering abandoning him. But I really cannot wait until I see him. I’ll really want to kiss him (I always do) and give his hand a squeeze, and hug him close & tight & for a very long while. I should never doubt him again. Whenever a new challenge rises I shall have courage and be kind (my life mantra) and have faith in our friendship.