You’ve been warned (from the title of this post): I am feeling mad and annoyed, frustrated, furious.
Last week was beautiful in the sense that XXX finally had a catch up and I’d spend close to four hours every day with him working on our music. It was great! It was amazing! We laughed, we talked, we were random, we were weird together, we cooked together, we laughed at each other’s lame jokes, we hung out in complete silence when we were both too tired to talk. I love(d) spending time with him and each moment spent with him reinforced how much I like him, just because it is always such a good time with him, and because we make a good team!
But just yesterday we had a bit of chat, and he is still not ok with kissing and he doesn’t want a relationship because he is happy being single. Ouch. I mean, I knew that he didn’t want a relationship, and he hasn’t wanted one for as long as I can remember, but still, I thought maybe that had changed since then but obviously it hasn’t. So ok, the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship didn’t really surprise me, but then I pretty much asked if he really has absolute no feelings for me and he barely replied back to that question, which means he probably doesn’t. DAMN HIM.
I don’t get how feelings cannot reciprocate. They just should! How does it make sense that I like so much and he doesn’t? That he doesn’t think of me and yet I am crazy about him? I really don’t get it and the whole thing is seriously not fair.
Of course he says he likes seeing me and we can keep being friends without any grey area of confusion. Oh DUDE you are so kind but haven’t you got any idea what it’s like for me? To keep being a friend and pretend there is nothing more in my heart, which is what I have been doing the last – year almost!!! And to keep on giving all I give when I get barely anything in return? (I seriously treat him with so much love – as if he were my boyfriend).
Then he said he wished he could help as he doesn’t want me upset. Bah that got me even more mad. If you want to help, FIND SOMETHING TO DO AND DO IT. Don’t give me the hope that you care. Show me that you do by doing something. And of course, surprise, he doesn’t do anything (or hasn’t done anything yet). There are millions of ways to help someone, if you do nothing it just shows you’re a lazy ass who only pretends to care.
Yeah so that’s the situation now. I personally am feeling so OVER everything, but at the same time I don’t know what to do, which is what is making me feel even more mad. I want to give the whole thing a break for a while so that he realises how good I have been to him and how LOVING I have been. Maybe he is taking me for granted, who knows. I’m pissed that he never does anything for me, he didn’t give me a fucking birthday present, and the letter he had said he’d started writing me last month, obviously I haven’t ever received it. But no, of course he wants to keep being my friend. It’s easy for him to say that! Why don’t you be MY friend instead for once, XXX?!
There’s a point I haven’t made yet. Or a few. One is that I deliberately CHOSE to treat him as lovingly as I did. It was a conscious decision, because I aim to be a loving person. I think we should treat everyone as unique, special individuals, not just “normal” human beings. I have invested a lot of myself into the friendship willingly and voluntarily – he never once asked for me to be like this, neither did he ever say he would return my feelings. I think the reason I am so angry, is because I just really wish, sometimes, that I had someone who treated me the way I treat this guy. Why can’t I have someone who would selflessly do things for me just because they cared & loved me? I feel lonely! I want love, too! Is it so surprising? And I guess because I consider XXX like a best friend, it would make sense if he was the person giving me this love, but obviously he isn’t, and he isn’t even interested in being that person.
He says I should meet other people to know what it is I want. I know what I want already!!! I want a friendship like the one I have with XXX: so easy and comfortable and safe!! With love on top, like a cherry that sits on the cake. I want someone who is devoted, committed, someone who’s going to go beyond themselves for me. And anyway, where do you meet the good guys? Where are they hiding? Why can’t I just meet someone already rather than being stuck in this crazy loop of being in love with the wrong person and not knowing how to get out of it.
Coz seriously, how am I supposed to get out of it? XXX seemed offended by the idea that I’d only become his friend because I saw him as a potential dating person. But that’s how I work as a person! I only have 1 guy friend at a time, and the reason for that is because I always end up developing feelings for them!!! It’s how I function as a girl!! If you’re a guy and I talk to you, it’s because YES I am attracted to you romantically – although when I met XXX I thought I could give the “just friendship” a go but it turns out I just cannot do it!!
So what do I do? Keep seeing him and keep being in love with him with not even any hope to hold onto as he has no interest in me? Keep seeing him and pretend I’m always fine? Keep giving him the same amount of care and attention as I always have? Or should I instead take my distance little by little, and stop treating him as if he were my boyfriend? (Really maybe the reason he doesn’t want a relationship is because I treat him so well). Stop seeing him altogether and give everything up, which is pretty much impossible anyway since we have gigs coming up and I’ve booked a concert for us to do in December? Oh gawd, another 6 months of putting up with this stupid situation. Maybe I should indeed go out more and meet people, but I don’t know where to go. Meh. I’m so lost. 😦