Crazy rant of madness and fury.

You’ve been warned (from the title of this post): I am feeling mad and annoyed, frustrated, furious.

Last week was beautiful in the sense that XXX finally had a catch up and I’d spend close to four hours every day with him working on our music. It was great! It was amazing! We laughed, we talked, we were random, we were weird together, we cooked together, we laughed at each other’s lame jokes, we hung out in complete silence when we were both too tired to talk. I love(d) spending time with him and each moment spent with him reinforced how much I like him, just because it is always such a good time with him, and because we make a good team!

But just yesterday we had a bit of chat, and he is still not ok with kissing and he doesn’t want a relationship because he is happy being single. Ouch. I mean, I knew that he didn’t want a relationship, and he hasn’t wanted one for as long as I can remember, but still, I thought maybe that had changed since then but obviously it hasn’t. So ok, the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship didn’t really surprise me, but then I pretty much asked if he really has absolute no feelings for me and he barely replied back to that question, which means he probably doesn’t. DAMN HIM.

I don’t get how feelings cannot reciprocate. They just should! How does it make sense that I like so much and he doesn’t? That he doesn’t think of me and yet I am crazy about him? I really don’t get it and the whole thing is seriously not fair.

Of course he says he likes seeing me and we can keep being friends without any grey area of confusion. Oh DUDE you are so kind but haven’t you got any idea what it’s like for me? To keep being a friend and pretend there is nothing more in my heart, which is what I have been doing the last – year almost!!! And to keep on giving all I give when I get barely anything in return? (I seriously treat him with so much love – as if he were my boyfriend).

Then he said he wished he could help as he doesn’t want me upset. Bah that got me even more mad. If you want to help, FIND SOMETHING TO DO AND DO IT. Don’t give me the hope that you care. Show me that you do by doing something. And of course, surprise, he doesn’t do anything (or hasn’t done anything yet). There are millions of ways to help someone, if you do nothing it just shows you’re a lazy ass who only pretends to care.

Yeah so that’s the situation now. I personally am feeling so OVER everything, but at the same time I don’t know what to do, which is what is making me feel even more mad. I want to give the whole thing a break for a while so that he realises how good I have been to him and how LOVING I have been. Maybe he is taking me for granted, who knows. I’m pissed that he never does anything for me, he didn’t give me a fucking birthday present, and the letter he had said he’d started writing me last month, obviously I haven’t ever received it. But no, of course he wants to keep being my friend. It’s easy for him to say that! Why don’t you be MY friend instead for once, XXX?!

There’s a point I haven’t made yet. Or a few. One is that I deliberately CHOSE to treat him as lovingly as I did. It was a conscious decision, because I aim to be a loving person. I think we should treat everyone as unique, special individuals, not just “normal” human beings. I have invested a lot of myself into the friendship willingly and voluntarily – he never once asked for me to be like this, neither did he ever say he would return my feelings. I think the reason I am so angry, is because I just really wish, sometimes, that I had someone who treated me the way I treat this guy. Why can’t I have someone who would selflessly do things for me just because they cared & loved me? I feel lonely! I want love, too! Is it so surprising? And I guess because I consider XXX like a best friend, it would make sense if he was the person giving me this love, but obviously he isn’t, and he isn’t even interested in being that person.

He says I should meet other people to know what it is I want. I know what I want already!!! I want a friendship like the one I have with XXX: so easy and comfortable and safe!! With love on top, like a cherry that sits on the cake. I want someone who is devoted, committed, someone who’s going to go beyond themselves for me. And anyway, where do you meet the good guys? Where are they hiding? Why can’t I just meet someone already rather than being stuck in this crazy loop of being in love with the wrong person and not knowing how to get out of it.

Coz seriously, how am I supposed to get out of it? XXX seemed offended by the idea that I’d only become his friend because I saw him as a potential dating person. But that’s how I work as a person! I only have 1 guy friend at a time, and the reason for that is because I always end up developing feelings for them!!! It’s how I function as a girl!! If you’re a guy and I talk to you, it’s because YES I am attracted to you romantically – although when I met XXX I thought I could give the “just friendship” a go but it turns out I just cannot do it!!

So what do I do? Keep seeing him and keep being in love with him with not even any hope to hold onto as he has no interest in me? Keep seeing him and pretend I’m always fine? Keep giving him the same amount of care and attention as I always have? Or should I instead take my distance little by little, and stop treating him as if he were my boyfriend? (Really maybe the reason he doesn’t want a relationship is because I treat him so well). Stop seeing him altogether and give everything up, which is pretty much impossible anyway since we have gigs coming up and I’ve booked a concert for us to do in December? Oh gawd, another 6 months of putting up with this stupid situation. Maybe I should indeed go out more and meet people, but I don’t know where to go. Meh. I’m so lost. 😦

Video over! (Epic sad face)

What an exhausting day this has been, especially after yesterday!

XXX and I had the video shoot today; he really wanted to get the recording ready by this morning so I went to his place again on Sunday around 6pm. He recorded a few more takes of me playing my harp but it was very difficult to get the timing right as his rubato was sort of unpredictable at time – but that’s the nature of music! After three or four takes I was starving, but as he didn’t feel like cooking and he had nothing to offer me to eat, I went back home for dinner.

An hour later I drove back to his (I’m so happy he only lives five minutes away). He was editing and mixing his part with mine. So I didn’t really have anything to do as he knew better how to work Pro Tools … However, I hung around until he’d finished. I made myself comfortable, lying down on his bed and pulling the doonas over my feet. I rested my head on one of his pillows and it smelled of him, it made me so happy, and so sad at the same time. He had his back turned to me, and I was watching him work from where I was, thinking how awesome it was to be working on this pretty crazy project together. And I felt so very proud of him for doing everything and getting something done after all he’s been through and all he’s still coping with …

This morning I picked him up at 7.30am and we went to his friend’s place first, who followed us to the place for the video shoot (as he didn’t know the way there). XXX and I were both so tired, too tired to even have any sort of conversation! We got a coffee and then got set up for the video. Two of the recordings didn’t have any harp in them so whilst they were busy getting XXX filmed, I got changed into my beautiful black dress (which XXX had asked me to wear, of course :p ), and put make-up on. I had a bit of trouble with my foundation, it went everywhere and I had way too much of it on my fingers so it took me 5minutes to get it evenly spread on my face. But by the end I was fairly happy with my appearance!

The video shoot went pretty well. Basically we were playing along to our recording (the one XXX had edited and mastered last night). Luckily neither XXX nor I laughed or wasted time being silly. Maybe we were just too tired to be stupid! 😛 And after this we packed up our stuff, and XXX’s mate (who had filmed us) left, which left XXX and I.

It was around 2.30pm and we were both starving, considering we hadn’t had any lunch yet. So we decided to go get lunch somewhere. The first place was too expensive so we went to a burger place a bit further. We ordered and took a seat, side-by-side. We didn’t talk at all, just listened to the music and rested and breathed. And when the food arrived, we got busy eating it. And once we’d eaten it, we sat back for a while doing nothing. And again, not really talking at all. But still it was nice because we were really just enjoying each other’s presence. I find it very awesome that we can both be silent for a long time and it still feels very comfortable.

I then had to go and move my car, and he had to go to his friend’s place, so we had to say good-bye. He said it’d been good seeing me this week, and I hugged him as tight as I could. I tried to make the good-bye quick because ever since sitting next to him at the burger place, I’d been wanting to hold his hand, and be close to him physically again … and kiss him. Actually whilst waiting for our burgers, one thing he said was how his good friend had been dating this girl for six months and he still hadn’t met her! And I thought to myself, “well you’ve known me for pretty much a year and you still haven’t introduced me to your friend”, which was then followed by the thought, “clearly shows you never once considered me your girlfriend, or even possible girlfriend”. Yeah, I felt a bit hurt and sad.

So we said good-bye and I watched him walk away to the trains, and for some reason I felt sad all of a sudden. I felt like calling him back, yelling, “I love you more than words can say …”. But I simply sat there in my car, thinking how much I like him, and how I could have happily spent the next couple of hours of the day with him.

On the way home, I took the coastal drive, which is the road he likes best. It reminded me of the first movie night we ever had, which was back in August of last year. We’d driven home together after university, had been stuck in traffic but it’d been a fun ride. We’d played board games together that evening, and he’d met my little sister. We’d watched the movie Up (his favourite movie), and we’d chilled in my room for a while because I hadn’t been able to work out if he’d be going home. In the end he’d stayed the night at mine … I remember that night so well, it feels strange thinking it happened almost a year ago …

Gig over!

Last night, XXX and I had our gig and what can I say – it was so much fun!! 😀 What a great time we had!

It took me like two hours to get ready so we didn’t end up having any time to rehearse. As soon as I reached his place, we packed our instruments and off we went. We were over an hour early which gave us plenty of time to unload the harp and set up and get familiar with the place (although we had played there once before). We had so much stuff with us: the harp, the guitar, I had two bags (one for our music and one for my harp strings), two music stands, a piano stool for me to sit on …!

We were set up in the main room and started playing at 6pm sharp, although all the guests were hanging out in the foyer, the room next doors. Considering we were not amplified, I doubt no one could hear us very well. So when they started coming in the main room, we just started playing the same pieces. My fingers were getting pretty sore from plucking the strings so hard!

Someone opened up the dinner with a speech and we played again while the guests ate their entrees and mains. Then there was a Q&A so we had to stop playing. A waiter came to find us and said we could have our dinner now (yay, dinner included in gig). That was probably my favourite part of the evening because it felt we were out on a date! The waiter took us to a completely separate room, which had three or four big round tables. So we sat side by side, and the waiter asked us whether we’d prefer to have fish or beef. XXX and I said fish. Then the waiter brought us our food, and he asked us what drinks we’d like to have! And it was just SO fancy, lol. The food itself was fancy, and just the way the waiter served us! So it was pretty funny! XXX got a glass of coke and we clinked our glasses, “to our awesome music duo”!! :’)

After dinner, we went back to the room and sat quietly until the end of the Q&A. When it was over, we picked up our instruments again and repeated some songs, we were both so tired though. Then this guy came and asked us if we’d like to have mic’s so we said sure. He set them up but our music didn’t really sound any louder. I yawned and said “gosh I’m so tired” and XXX burst out laughing, he was like, “shhhh there’s a mic right in front of you!” lol.

At 10.00pm he went up to the lady to ask if we should go or stay and we were free to leave! So we packed all our stuff. Before definitely leaving the venue, we looked for the lady who had contacted us to thank her. We found her and before walking over to her, XXX put the piano stool down on the floor. As soon as he did, I thought to myself, “I bet you he’s going to forget about it”. Surprise, surprise, as soon as we’d said good-bye to her, he walked out the doors leaving the piano stool behind! I called his name and pointed to the piano stool …

It was mostly quiet on the way home, I was so very tired, but nevertheless we talked about how nice the moon looked (it was a full moon but the top half was hidden by a thick cloud), and he told me how he used to play Lego with his brother. He even said that if he has kids he will make them learn the cello and the piano, and make them play with Lego. LOL. He’ll be a good dad, lol. 😛

I left my harp at his house again overnight as we’re going to work on our recording again later today. Before I walked out the door last night he gave me a very big long hug which made me very happy! :’) Yay!

So yeah, that was my beautiful evening with the irreplaceable company of XXX.

and more thoughts.

Had another rehearsal (sort of) with XXX today. Well he had his performance exam this morning and, just because he hasn’t had enough bad luck recently, he lost his bank card! He told me to come around 4pm for a rehearsal, but at 3.45pm he asked me if I could come half an hour later.

So at 4.30pm I was ringing the bell and he opened the door, and we went to the living area. He took a seat and he told me he was very tired, that he’d barely slept the night before, that he’d been awake at 5am thinking, “my alarm’s going to go off in an hour …” so as soon as he said this I knew we either would have a) a very short rehearsal or b) no rehearsal at all. But considering he had actually not cancelled today’s plan, I guessed we would have a short rehearsal.

Before we got into it, I asked him if I’d ben having dinner at his place, and he said yes, so I wondered whether we should go shopping for some food, as the past two nights have been like, “what the hell do we cook?”. So off we went to the shops. As he didn’t have his bank cards, I paid for all the groceries. It was really cool checking out the foods with him and wondering what we’d make for dinner. It almost felt like we were a couple but of course I can’t allow myself to think that, really.

He was being very quiet so I didn’t push for conversation. I actually don’t mind at all when we are both quiet, and anyway I could just feel his vibe of fatigue radiating from him to me. I was fine thinking about my own thoughts, and when we’d engage in conversation it was actually useful (what ingredients to buy).

Back home, we cleaned the kitchen as it was messy and there were just so many pots and pans, plates and glasses, lying around. And then we put all the shopping away and finally went to his room to rehearse. We went through a couple of songs but it wasn’t as easy considering we were both playing by ear (without any sheet music). And I was feeling pretty tired, too, so I was making lots of mistakes. Nevertheless, we still had quite some fun!

After playing “Imagine”, we went back to the kitchen and got started on making dinner. We made a stir-fry with chicken, capsicum, tomatoes, and bok choy. It was pretty good! But he didn’t finish his dinner 😦 It’s the third night in a row he doesn’t eat half of what is on his plate. It worries me but at the same time I cannot force him to eat. Isn’t he mature enough to know he should eat? He was barely moving from his chair after dinner, he was saying he was so tired, he could feel his eyes closing, so I put my plate away in the dishwasher and went in his room to get my stuff.

He apologised for being this tired; I just said, “it’s okay”. Every single gig we’ve had, we are under rehearsed, usually because he just is too tired. Somehow we have managed to do well anyway, but it’s a shame. I wish he weren’t this tired because I know he could achieve so much, and get so much done. I hate knowing he’s got huge potential but it is not being put into use. I know it’s the depression so I hope things will improve with time.

We said good-bye at his door. I really wanted to kiss him. Not like a romantic, sexy French kiss, but more like a loving, sweet kiss. Alas, we just hugged. Sometimes I wish I could stroke his face and kiss his cheek, and just be more affectionate with him, and remind him I’m majorly crazy about him, and that no matter what I still love him very much. I wonder if he’d be okay with me doing this. After all, it was sleeping together that he was against; not necessarily me being affectionate with him. Maybe I could ask him! I know he needs affection because he used to tell me he craved it, and I feel his depression has only gotten worse so he would most likely want it even more than before.

It’s funny being in love, and it’s weird loving this guy. It’s both difficult and extremely easy, it’s fun but painful, it can get frustrating but it is also very rewarding. I like the ups and I like the downs, I like the challenges and I like that moment when I realise, “yes, this is why I have stayed”. On my way home I was thinking how strange it was how when you love someone you are ready to put up with anything. I could choose an easier road, I know I could. It is in my power to walk away from XXX. But for the time being I am happy sticking around. He is one of my bestest friends and my second half musically. (Funnily enough when someone emails us to book us for their event, we sign off with “XXX & Eliza” – like a true couple! lol).

the gift of music.

I’ve always known music has played a huge part in XXX and I’s friendship, but each single time we jam together is a unique experience that is just so much fun, even when we are working.

Last night I brought my harp over at his place so we could have a rehearsal for our 4h-long gig on Saturday. We started rehearsing at around 6.30pm and went through some upbeat, pop tunes that we knew already, just to refresh our memories, and get started on a set list for Saturday. At 7.30pm we had a break to prepare dinner, which we ate with his father. After that we cleaned up, made ourselves a cup of tea, and returned to his room to keep rehearsing. We tried playing one of our own arrangements we wrote last year but had so much trouble playing it that in the middle of playing it, we both started laughing so hard!!! It was just so hilarious!! And I was just so happy because in that very instant moment, we were laughing and playing music at the same time, and surely there are no few other ways to grow friendship than through those two elements.

I was actually fairly surprised when I checked my FB this morning and saw that he’d messaged me the night before, once I’d gone to bed already, to tell me it’d been good to see me! It warmed my heart so much! 🙂

Today we had another rehearsal, although it was more of a recording session as we are trying to get a recording ready for Monday. He recorded his part first while I sat on his bed and listened/watched. This gave me the opportunity to feel so happy and grateful for this relationship. Gosh it may have sucked the past few weeks but I feel so LUCKY that he lets me in his room, and I get to see inside his little mind, and we are working on a personal project together ( a CD) – and isn’t that just awesome! I observed him play the guitar, and adjusting the levels on his console and clicking buttons here and there and he’s got some pretty awesome skills in the sound recording department if you ask me. I’m just so happy knowing him. I don’t care what anyone says, I think he’s a very amazing person with so much potential that needs to find a way out!

He said he wasn’t sure what to make us for dinner so we had a glance at what was in the fridge in the kitchen. We settled on pasta with pesto and basil. I said I’d chop the onions – it took me like 20mins to chop one LOL – but as he handed me the knife he said, “just be careful because it’s really sharp”. Isn’t it sweet when someone tells you to watch out for the sharpness of a knife!

Then we ate our dinner, and again cleaned up and made a cup of tea. Then we went to the dining table and I started tapping my teaspoon in my cup, in a regular rhythm. XXX grabbed a pen nearby and starting tapping another rhythm against his cup, and then against a glass vase. We got so into it that soon we were tapping on like five different objects of different pitches, just improvising very random rhythms, and omg we just burst out laughing afterwards, and he shook his head smiling at me …

And after this, we went back to his room and tried recording a few bits and pieces again, but I was getting so tired, so I went to rest on his bed, and then he played a bit of guitar. And then we started jamming again, and we ended up playing a really awesome jazzy version of Over The Rainbow!!! It was so cool!!! 😀

So yeah that’s what’s been happening here in the land of my heart (lol). I am so in love with this guy that I’m not sure what to do except to take in one day at a time and to always aim to accept & support & love him no matter what! 🙂 (I am very inspired to do that now).

finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The exclamation marks in the title of this post confirm what you are all suspecting: I have finally caught up face to face with XXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FI-NAL-LY!!!

I was chatting to him on FB; he’d sent me a second recording and wanted feedback. After giving him my opinions of it, I asked him if he’d like to go for a walk. He said Game of Thrones started in 30 minutes and he had just made himself a cup of hot chocolate. That was it. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, I was tired of always being kind and him not thinking about how his actions affected me. He instantly said we should go for a walk if it was what I wanted,  and that he didn’t want to make me upset. So we agreed to meet at the park near his house.

I was feeling a bit nervous and actually a little unexcited to see him: the past three days I’ve been crying every now and again from missing him and being mad at him. But I couldn’t help smiling a little when I saw him. He was wearing his dad’s jumper which looked HUGE on him, it looked as if he had no arm and the sleeves were just dangling by his side!

He hugged me as soon as we said hello, and then we began walking around the park. We recognised two dogs we’d seen last time we’d come to this same park. At first it was quiet between us, but it definitely wasn’t tense like it can sometimes be when it is quiet between two people. I think neither of us knew what to say, or how to begin. But soon we were talking, about little things like the dogs, and what I’d been up to this week-end.

I then asked him how he was feeling, which was a topic I was obviously very interested in, considering I care for him very much. I asked him if he was scared about having depression. And he told me how he felt when he goes through a “low mood” and how he’d known this girl with depression and hadn’t been very nice to her because he couldn’t understand her.

And anyhow, we kept talking and talking, onto more general, and more philosophical ideas, like how amazing it is getting to know people, and how often they surprise us when we give them the chance to know them. It got dark very quickly and we were the only ones in the park; although it is winter now it wasn’t that cold and it wasn’t windy. It was just nice being with him again.

Finally we headed back, and I gave him a lift back home, although his house was literally two streets away. I said honestly, “I have really missed you”, and he said, “me too”, and also how sitting and freezing his ass off on the bench had been worth it! Right before we hugged good-bye, I was about to say “nice to see you” but he actually said the exact same thing before I had the chance to!

So there we go. I finally feel a gazillion times better now that I’ve seen him and hugged him, and shared my concerns and emotions with him. I can’t believed it actually happened. And those two hours went so quickly. I remember getting in the car and thinking, “it can’t be THAT late already”!

I’m just so happy, you know. I was so close to giving up but I held on and now him & I are still amazing friends, and how even though we hadn’t seen each other properly in like, ages, we managed to have a very intimate and personal conversation about our innermost feelings and it’s great that time apart actually does not result in walls in between us. I’m so happy that I can be open with him; I wasn’t like this in my last relationship. When something bothered me, I’d be too scared to open up. It almost happened today. But I knew I had to speak, and so I did.

And I’m so happy that although I probably hurt him, he still trusts me enough to tell me about what his depression feels like, and the sort of things he talks about with his counsellor, or other matters and issues that are going on in his life. And I’m so happy that in between important conversation one of us makes a very bad pun and we just laugh and return to whatever we were speaking about before, and how once we are done with discussing our feelings, we go back to being our lame selves making bad jokes that keep on getting worse.

I’m not letting him go because I think I love him very much. And maybe his depression is making me love him more, in the sense that I feel I need to protect him, and give him all the love I can find in myself to give. I don’t know. But I know I don’t have this level of honesty and openness with many people, so I value it a lot, and I would hurt losing this connection, simply because it is so difficult to find.

lol

I remember back in October, XXX and I had gone on a long walk on a sunny morning, around a lake. We were listening to the nature around us, namely the birds and insects. Then he went, “can you hear this? I wonder what bird it is …” so I opened my ears wider and listened out to the sounds he was talking about. It turned out to be the siren of the ambulance, rather than a bird. LOL.