Well, XXX and I were supposed to start rehearsals yesterday afternoon, and we were also supposed to have our talk, but it didn’t end up happening because he had had a very very bad day (what he told me about it sort of strengthened my belief that he has depression). So he said we’ll see each other Saturday instead, and to just give him a call when I finish teaching.
So I called him but he didn’t pick up the phone, then he messaged me to say he’d call me in half an hour, but he didn’t call me, instead he messaged me on Facebook, and said he was still feeling shit, and that we will see each other when he is feeling right. I didn’t get angry – I mean, how can I? So I just said to him to let me know if he needed me to do anything, and of course I thanked him for letting me know.
I swear it’s been over two weeks since I’ve wanted to talk to him about my concerns. I don’t want to tell him over Facebook or over the phone – I feel it has to be a face-to-face conversation … but either we are busy or he just doesn’t feel well enough to see me in person. Oh well, there is nothing I can really do about it, apart from waiting.
The other thing that struck me is that it seems he has literally no idea that he may be depressed. He told me yesterday that he had no idea why he felt that way, or why he broke down unexpectedly in front of his guitar teacher (yes, this is what happened sadly!). In my head I was thinking, “I think it’s because you are depressed” but obviously I didn’t say anything – I only said, “in fact that’s what I’ve been meaning to talk to you about”. But left it there.
Although he said he wasn’t up to seeing me, I thought he could do with something, some cheering up perhaps. I have Marketa Irglova’s two albums – her music is beautiful, pure, personal, and also has a certain healing and uplifting quality about it (I posted one of her songs last week). So I wrote XXX a little note and I drove to his house (luckily he lives only 5 minutes away). His mum opened the door and told me to come in, so I did, but I didn’t really want to stay (I hate imposing myself on people). I asked her to give the CDs to XXX from me, but as I said this, XXX arrived!
Awkwardly I said I’d just come by to drop off some CD’s and he asked me what they were. Although earlier in the afternoon he had said he felt too shit to hang out, he asked me if I wanted to stay, but I actually turned him down! As I said, I don’t like inviting myself over, and he’d told me he didn’t really want to see me – and my only goal had been to get the CDs to him and I had achieved that so … so I said no to staying over at his place for a bit. I don’t know, it’s a bit of an odd situation to be in. He says he can’t see me, and then he asks me to stay …
And I don’t know why but lately he hasn’t been hugging me, maybe it’s because a part of him hasn’t forgiven me for the letter I sent him weeks ago? Oh well, whatever, I totally hugged him today!!
Moral of the story: I don’t really know what I am doing. lol. I’m just focusing on staying patient and supportive and finding ways and ideas to bring him a bit of hope and moral support.