today & other thoughts.

Well, XXX and I were supposed to start rehearsals yesterday afternoon, and we were also supposed to have our talk, but it didn’t end up happening because he had had a very very bad day (what he told me about it sort of strengthened my belief that he has depression). So he said we’ll see each other Saturday instead, and to just give him a call when I finish teaching.

So I called him but he didn’t pick up the phone, then he messaged me to say he’d call me in half an hour, but he didn’t call me, instead he messaged me on Facebook, and said he was still feeling shit, and that we will see each other when he is feeling right. I didn’t get angry – I mean, how can I? So I just said to him to let me know if he needed me to do anything, and of course I thanked him for letting me know.

I swear it’s been over two weeks since I’ve wanted to talk to him about my concerns. I don’t want to tell him over Facebook or over the phone – I feel it has to be a face-to-face conversation … but either we are busy or he just doesn’t feel well enough to see me in person. Oh well, there is nothing I can really do about it, apart from waiting.

The other thing that struck me is that it seems he has literally no idea that he may be depressed. He told me yesterday that he had no idea why he felt that way, or why he broke down unexpectedly in front of his guitar teacher (yes, this is what happened sadly!). In my head I was thinking, “I think it’s because you are depressed” but obviously I didn’t say anything – I only said, “in fact that’s what I’ve been meaning to talk to you about”. But left it there.

Although he said he wasn’t up to seeing me, I thought he could do with something, some cheering up perhaps. I have Marketa Irglova’s two albums – her music is beautiful, pure, personal, and also has a certain healing and uplifting quality about it (I posted one of her songs last week). So I wrote XXX a little note and I drove to his house (luckily he lives only 5 minutes away). His mum opened the door and told me to come in, so I did, but I didn’t really want to stay (I hate imposing myself on people). I asked her to give the CDs to XXX from me, but as I said this, XXX arrived!

Awkwardly I said I’d just come by to drop off some CD’s and he asked me what they were. Although earlier in the afternoon he had said he felt too shit to hang out, he asked me if I wanted to stay, but I actually turned him down! As I said, I don’t like inviting myself over, and he’d told me he didn’t really want to see me – and my only goal had been to get the CDs to him and I had achieved that so … so I said no to staying over at his place for a bit. I don’t know, it’s a bit of an odd situation to be in. He says he can’t see me, and then he asks me to stay …

And I don’t know why but lately he hasn’t been hugging me, maybe it’s because a part of him hasn’t forgiven me for the letter I sent him weeks ago? Oh well, whatever, I totally hugged him today!!

Moral of the story: I don’t really know what I am doing. lol. I’m just focusing on staying patient and supportive and finding ways and ideas to bring him a bit of hope and moral support.

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5 thoughts on “today & other thoughts.

  1. I may be totally wrong but my experience is that having company feels like a burden. Your friend feels like shit, there’s nothing but dark clouds and the weight of the world on his shoulders is heavy and exhausting. Now, you asking if you can come over feels like your adding to the weight XXX has to carry already. He would have to entertain you in a way, offer you a drink but worst of all talk to you. As he doesn’t want to or feel like talking about his dark mood he figures he needs something “better” to talk about. But his head is in a mess so he can’t think of anything better. Ergo, it feels like a burden to him to invite you over. That’s nothing against you, don’t get me wrong. He just thinks that he’s no good company because he feels like crap.
    However, when you were at his place he might have forgotten about all the crap in his head and just been happy to see you. He didn’t feel as I’ve described above and it must’ve felt good to see you. As I said, I can describe things from my perspective/experience but I hope it helps you to understand him a bit better (although what I wrote could be wrong as I can’t read his thoughts). Wish you all the best!

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    1. I didn’t exactly ask him if I could come over – we had simply agreed, yesterday, to see each other today. We’ve been meaning to see each other for a while now and it hasn’t happened, and I know he also wants us to have a good chat. I was not surprised that he called it off today considering how he felt yesterday. As you said he probably didn’t “want” to see me because he was just too overwhelmed with dark emotions and negative moods. I recently watched videos on YouTube of this counsellor who gave tips for those who love/care for people with depression. She explained quite nicely why depressed people sometimes push people away or cancel plans at the last minute. I’m trying to become a bit more informed on everything which will help to keep my anger down and consequently not hurt XXX by mistake!! I already feel I can understand him better (for example, I didn’t take anything personally today). Thanks for your comment, it’s greatly appreciated! 🙂

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      1. It still holds true, at least in my experience. Agreeing to meet is easy. It’s thinking about having someone come over that becomes the burden; that puts one under pressure/stress. It makes you feel like you want to run away and that’s basically what you do by avoiding to meet someone or canceling at the last minute. But let me say this: you’re one hell of a good friend considering what you’re doing for XXX! 🙂

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      2. Yes you’re right, and perhaps because he knows we need to have a SERIOUS conversation about lots of things probably freaks him out a little (on top of all his other problems). I’m sure there’ll be a day he’ll feel strong enough for it!! Aw thank you, I guess I just love him 😛

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