The exclamation marks in the title of this post confirm what you are all suspecting: I have finally caught up face to face with XXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FI-NAL-LY!!!
I was chatting to him on FB; he’d sent me a second recording and wanted feedback. After giving him my opinions of it, I asked him if he’d like to go for a walk. He said Game of Thrones started in 30 minutes and he had just made himself a cup of hot chocolate. That was it. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, I was tired of always being kind and him not thinking about how his actions affected me. He instantly said we should go for a walk if it was what I wanted, and that he didn’t want to make me upset. So we agreed to meet at the park near his house.
I was feeling a bit nervous and actually a little unexcited to see him: the past three days I’ve been crying every now and again from missing him and being mad at him. But I couldn’t help smiling a little when I saw him. He was wearing his dad’s jumper which looked HUGE on him, it looked as if he had no arm and the sleeves were just dangling by his side!
He hugged me as soon as we said hello, and then we began walking around the park. We recognised two dogs we’d seen last time we’d come to this same park. At first it was quiet between us, but it definitely wasn’t tense like it can sometimes be when it is quiet between two people. I think neither of us knew what to say, or how to begin. But soon we were talking, about little things like the dogs, and what I’d been up to this week-end.
I then asked him how he was feeling, which was a topic I was obviously very interested in, considering I care for him very much. I asked him if he was scared about having depression. And he told me how he felt when he goes through a “low mood” and how he’d known this girl with depression and hadn’t been very nice to her because he couldn’t understand her.
And anyhow, we kept talking and talking, onto more general, and more philosophical ideas, like how amazing it is getting to know people, and how often they surprise us when we give them the chance to know them. It got dark very quickly and we were the only ones in the park; although it is winter now it wasn’t that cold and it wasn’t windy. It was just nice being with him again.
Finally we headed back, and I gave him a lift back home, although his house was literally two streets away. I said honestly, “I have really missed you”, and he said, “me too”, and also how sitting and freezing his ass off on the bench had been worth it! Right before we hugged good-bye, I was about to say “nice to see you” but he actually said the exact same thing before I had the chance to!
So there we go. I finally feel a gazillion times better now that I’ve seen him and hugged him, and shared my concerns and emotions with him. I can’t believed it actually happened. And those two hours went so quickly. I remember getting in the car and thinking, “it can’t be THAT late already”!
I’m just so happy, you know. I was so close to giving up but I held on and now him & I are still amazing friends, and how even though we hadn’t seen each other properly in like, ages, we managed to have a very intimate and personal conversation about our innermost feelings and it’s great that time apart actually does not result in walls in between us. I’m so happy that I can be open with him; I wasn’t like this in my last relationship. When something bothered me, I’d be too scared to open up. It almost happened today. But I knew I had to speak, and so I did.
And I’m so happy that although I probably hurt him, he still trusts me enough to tell me about what his depression feels like, and the sort of things he talks about with his counsellor, or other matters and issues that are going on in his life. And I’m so happy that in between important conversation one of us makes a very bad pun and we just laugh and return to whatever we were speaking about before, and how once we are done with discussing our feelings, we go back to being our lame selves making bad jokes that keep on getting worse.
I’m not letting him go because I think I love him very much. And maybe his depression is making me love him more, in the sense that I feel I need to protect him, and give him all the love I can find in myself to give. I don’t know. But I know I don’t have this level of honesty and openness with many people, so I value it a lot, and I would hurt losing this connection, simply because it is so difficult to find.