awesome day!

I can’t believe last week I was in tears. Today I’ve had such an awesome day!

I woke up with my cat lying by my feet (per usual), although after 5 minutes, he came and rested on my arm (actually ON my arm), so I had to sneak myself out from under his weight. Oh how I love my kitty. He is the cutest, kindest and most gentle cat. I am so biased in thinking I am his favourite human but let’s admit it, he never runs away from me and he likes my room a lot! ๐Ÿ˜›

After breakfast I made a calendar for next month for my exchange student, writing in specific events for specific dates. This allows me to get a clear picture of what he has going on in his life while being with us, and also allows me to plan for any outings. I haven’t finished it yet, as I’d like to include mor outings. I did a bit of research on my city and what events are on over the course of th year, so it is all pretty interesting and exciting.

I then gave a harp lesson, to this girl I’ve become really good friends with. “Girl” but really she is a young woman, older than I am by 8 years. We get on really well! As there is a harp gathering in two weeks, today we just went through all the music for that. One of the pieces I wrote myself, so it was interesting for me to hear and see someone play something I composed. After the lesson we talked a bit about guys (as her parents were late picking her up). In fact throughout the week we usually email each other our latest guy problems (of which we have many, lol).

After the lesson I got the news that YYY couldn’t make it to the concert I had invited him to. As I had asked for two tickets, I wondered if perhaps I should ask XXX. But considering I am trying to get over him, I thought I would ask first my exchange student Cutie Pie, and if he can’t make it, then I’d ask my mum. Luckily, Cutie Pie’s camp was over and yay, he said he’d come to the concert! ๐Ÿ˜€

So I got ready and I picked him up at 3pm. We drove in to the city, found a place to park, and then walked to the building. We were in fact quite early. The concert was a choir singing mostly a capella music, although two pieces were accompanied. I think Cutie Pie liked most of it, although there was one work I could tell was boring him (but it was boring me, too, lol).

During the interval, I recognised this girl so I said hello to her, but then she was with a group of people, one of whom I recognised as this guy I had once been friends with, but we got in a fight last year and have not spoken since. Nevertheless, I said hi to him. So then everyone went downstairs for the cheese and crackers and drink, and Cutie Pie and I just stayed together.

Once the second half of the concert was over, we made our way back to the car. It was freezing and it was windy, but Cutie Pie wouldn’t put his jacket on, I had no idea why, although I kept trying to be mum-like, and repeating, with as much authority in my voice as I could, “Put your jacket on!!!” … but no, he didn’t. Then as I realised I hadn’t gotten a parking fine, I said, “Yes!!! I’m safe!!!” and two seconds later I hear Cutie Pie going, “I’m safe!! I’m safe!!” in a girlish voice, so I go, “are you mocking me?” and he’s like, “no! I’m just mimicking you!” and so it turns out he was mimicking me because I am nice or something. lol.

So then I drive him back to his home, and on the way I said or did something which sent him laughing, but like, he laughed for five minutes. He must think I’m quite a weird person! And then we were talking about the landscape and I said (in a serious voice), “back in the day, this used to be just …. desert …” and two second later I go, “well actually I’m not sure” and he just laughed. I’m so dumb!!! lol

Just before he got out of the car he high fived me so I guess so far we are on good terms. ๐Ÿ™‚ He is starting school tomorrow morning so I’ll have to get up nice and early to see him off. Except he’s got no idea I’m going there to see him, ihihi, it’ll be a surprise for him, hopefully a nice one! Also I’m going to be a mum and tell him how I expect him to send me an SMS to let me know how his first day at school went!

Once Cutie Pie had gone home, I tried ringing XXX, but he didn’t pick up, so I messaged him to let him know I was coming, as we had agreed to have a talk tonight. So I arrived at his house and good thing is that it seems he was expecting me. He’s completely rearranged his room, it looks a little more spacious than before, probably because he has got rid of the keyboard. First we chit chatted about things like how his work is going etc etc. Then his mum came and said dinner was ready, so we went to have dinner. After dinner we went back in his room and I decided we might as well start the serious conversation. So I asked him about Monday and why it had happened that he hadn’t shown up to rehearsals, and that I had gotten very upset and angry. And from there on we talked about how each of us had been feeling, and I tried to open up about what I am going through with my family. He said that because I’d come unannounced at his place, in tears, the other day, all week long his parents have been mad at him and asking him lots of questions, so he didn’t appreciate me doing this. Ok, I will try to remember for next time.

He said that unless something is routine, it is hard for him to make it happen (i.e. a rehearsal). Therefore we have set a day and a time that suits us both for a rehearsal, to happen (hopefully) every week. I hope that we will lessen the stress for me and that this solution (which XXX seems to say is what works for him) is the sustainable one.

I left at 9.00pm, we hugged each other before I stepped out the door. Not a long hug this time … butย a hug nonetheless. So I think it is fair to say we have both moved on from whatever shit we caused each other, and made each other go through; that we are still friends and still desire to play music together; and that hopefully things can go a little better from now on.

I wonder if I love him, and I wonder if he loves me. Coz I guess he was also pretty pissed off and hurt by what I did (apparently he got pretty upset when his mum told him I was upset). :/ In fact I often wonder if repeatedly forgiving someone is a sign of love, or rather a sign of stupidity. Because forgiving someone is really giving them a new chance to hurt you. Any thoughts?

So there we are, last day of July, last day of the week – and what a great end it has been to both!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

rambling on about volunteering & caring

So, how is everyone? I’m feeling great! ๐Ÿ˜€ I really think that the most effective way for my soul to heal, is to spend a lot of time volunteering, and giving up my time for others – which is what I have been doing … pretty much all of this week.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping with my mum. Usually we go on Wednesdays and Sundays, but I was busy all of Wednesday. In the afternoon, I went volunteering at the care home near my place. It is always a worthwhile experience, even if the residents there sometimes make me feel a little awkward, for I don’t know how to best communicate with them (some are deaf – or almost; some seem lost in another planet etc). One man in particular has my interest, simply because I have been told he has my mother’s illness. I therefore pay close attention to him and try to familiarise myself with how he acts. His type of disease looks very similar to my mum’s, only more advanced I guess.

After this hour of volunteering, I went to the shops and got myself some bras! ๐Ÿ˜€ Hurray, lol. They actually made me feel sexy and I was laughing in front of the mirror in the cubicle whilst trying one of them on. So I’m happy about that. There is nothing like spoiling yourself every once in a while! But it was funny: I had some time to kill, so I walked around the shopping centre with my bag of bras, when I walked into my mother’s best friend’s son, who is about the sage age as XXX. He is a very friendly guy and obviously our families are very close. So we walked around together, he got a donut (even though I warned him, “donut have a donut!” lol).

Once this was over, I drove to another suburb for my second round of volunteering, this time with the Somali family. I usually go on Wednesdays, but not only was I busy yesterday, I also felt too sick and tired. As usual, I checked the little boy’s homework and they gave me dinner. I think in some post last week I mentioned how the father had been having issues with his mobile prepaid plan. Well, he has asked me to do research for him and find which prepaid plan would be the most suitable for him. Ah, I sort of cannot be bothered as I understand so little about phone plans, and I find the whole thing confusing – but I will do it, I guess. Have courage and be kind – that is what I live by! ๐Ÿ™‚

Today friends, I spent a few hours with my little child Cutie Pie! lol. My mentee, that is. I picked him up at 11.00am and we went to the bank to get his online banking set up. That didn’t take very long, so then we went to the golf course to have lunch. It was very fun, we talked a lot about our languages (he speaks Swiss-German, a bit of french, a bit of English). Once lunch was over, we went to a beautiful memorial park where you are always certain to see kangaroos. And after a 20min walking aroundย the park, we found them! ๐Ÿ˜€ There were about 20 of them, all huddled together! Cutie Pie was so happy!!! And I was so happy that Cutie Pie was happy! Obviously we were talking quite a bit whilst walking, and also in the car. Then we went to the lake, some 8kms away from my house or so, and then I took him to my home because my mum had actually asked me to (lol). So my mum was speaking to him in French, which is funny, considering he came to Australia to improve his English, and not his French. lol. So that was such a good little day! ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m supposed to be his mentor but obviously because of our negligible age difference, we are more like friends now already! To be honest, I don’t know if there’s supposed to be any difference …

WOOHOO I am so happy to have this new person in my life! ๐Ÿ˜€ Oh yeah, also he describes himself as a “weird, tall and helpful guy”. lol. Gosh he is cute and awesome :’) Sounds a bit like the male version of myself!

I’m already thinking what to give him for when he leaves us next year. Maybe I can make him a nice scrapbook of the things we do together (I love scrapbooking). Something meaningful =)

He is on a Rotary week-end camp thing so he’ll be busy until Sunday … and then Monday he starts school! I’m thinking of going to school Monday morning as a surprise to wish him good luck and give him a hug! ๐Ÿ˜€ When I decide to care for someone, I do it completely, and that translates to having crazy ideas most of the time!!!

mostly happy again.

I’d like to start by thanking everyone who commented my last post. You were all supportive and so kind and your responses lifted my spirits up. Monday was definitely one of the gloomiest days I’ve had in ages. Good news is, I am sort of over it. I hope. It may sound a little surprising perhaps that I’m feeling fine again after feeling so down recently. But I can tell you my pain was genuine. However, life does go on, and in all truths I have had a bunch of responsibilities thrown at me recently, as in the past few days, which have both kept my mind off my loneliness and sadness, but also have made me feel quite useful and happy and thus, I feel fine and strong again. I generally don’t like to be sad and to spend my days doing nothing, so after giving myself two to three days of feeling crap, I do my best to move on.

So what were those responsibilities I mentioned? As some of you know, I joined Rotary earlier this year, and I am now the Youth director there, so I oversee any youth-related project, one of which is the Youth Exchange Program. As its name suggests, it is an international exchange program for young people, usually aged between 15-18 I believe. So we had a student living here going away to Argentina (she left in January and will be back January of next year) and last week we had a boy from Switzerland arrive. Before his arrival I was the one taking care of finding his host families, a host school etc.

Maybe I will give him a nickname too for this blog, as I will very likely be talking about him. I’ll call him Cutie Pie for now because that’s what he is, lol ๐Ÿ˜€ So I’ve been asked to be his mentor, as well as being the club’s youth director. This basically means I have to make sure he is safe, and happy, and that I have to liaise between club/families/school, and make sure his whole exchange is going well. And also it means I have to be his friend and make sure he develops into an amazing person (probably my favourite part of being a mentor).

So yesterday was a bit of a busy day in terms of the exchange. In the afternoon we went to get his school uniform. And after that we had a meeting at the high school, to get his enrolment completed. Luckily, his first host mum came along so she knew what to do and what to ask etc (lol I’ve never enrolled a kid in school – hang on, I don’t even have a kid). So that was very nice of her.

Last evening we also had a club meeting, so I had to pick up Cutie Pie. It was getting dark and I actually got lost trying to find the car park, so that was fun. He probably thought me quite weird (and wait until you hear what happened after, lol). During the meeting he gave a little presentation about his country of origin and himself, and I just thought how COOL of a person he already is and how it can only get better from here.

After the meeting I drove him back to his “home”. It should have been straightforward, just keep driving straight down this particular avenue. Except we were talking and I turned right at some lights for some reason, which means I ended up doing this huge detour for nothing. LOL. I just CANNOT drive and talk at the same time!! So that was pretty funny I thought.

This morning I picked him up again and we went to the bank to open an account for him, as my club will be giving him pocket money once a month. After our appointment at the bank, we got a SIM card for his phone. So that was a busy and efficient morning! Unfortunately I am busy all of tomorrow so I cannot see him, but Friday we have to go back to the bank and do all other necessary shopping before he starts school this coming Monday.

So – oh, I cannot tell you how excited I am!!!!!! I just cannot wait to get to know him better!! Humans fascinate me, all the time, so getting to know anyone well makes me pretty thrilled, lol. But as his mentor it’s also sort of duty, which by the way I really don’t mind at all, and I am taking the role as seriously as I can. In fact I am so excited about him being here, and me being his mentor, that it keeps me awake at night, too. I literally think about all the things I have to do before he starts school etc etc, and it just makes so so excited. Considering he is here until July of next year, I have pretty much a whole year to look forward to! ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m even starting to feel like a mum! I guess because he is under my responsibility to some extent … but like he is starting high school next week and I am actually feeling nervous for him!!! I’ll definitely send him a message after his first day to ask how it went! I am so worried that he won’t like the school or that he’ll get bullied for being an outsider, or so tall, or so skinny – you know how kids are, they’ll find any characteristic to make fun of ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

This whole experience is showing me that I can be a loving person even when I feel hurt and sad, and I won’t lie, it’s something I’m proud of ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s also showing me that one way to get over the sadness is to keep loving and be as loving a person as you possibly can.

So there you go, that’s the beginning of my friendship with Cutie Pie. Obviously I have been in touch with his parents and his mum totally said I would be very welcome if I ever decide to visit their home country. So I know where I’ll be next travelling!

This is going to be a long post – so many thoughts and news!

XXX: he sent me a text yesterday about some music festival, saying we should perform there next year. I said at this point in time, I have no desire to play there with him, as I feel so hurt and disappointed from him not turning up. Actually I sent him a long text saying how I felt and how he had no right to treat me the way he does. No response from him. I sent him another text today saying I didn’t like us to be angry and all I ask is for him to turn up to rehearsal on time. Still no response yet.

YYY: we MIGHT go to a concert together this Sunday IF I can get us free tickets and IF he can get out of his club’s event early enough. Good news is that he is finally replying to my messages in a timely manner lol. Improvement!

Mum: is feeling depressed and is getting sicker day by day ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I think her pessimistic mind is really affecting her physical health badly. I just try to stay patient and kind and caring, and not say anything bad around her (things like “hurry up!” really hurt her because her movements have become so slow and she cannot control them). All I know is that once she is gone I will not regret the way I treated her – because I am being as nice and as helpful as I can.

So basically everything is pretty much back on track, the only thing I need is a good night of sleep (haven’t had one in days)!

KEEP SMILING AND SAY BULA!*

*This is something a crew member kept saying, when my family and I were on a cruise in Fiji. Bula means “hello”.

exhausted and sad.

one positive i can think of from feeling so sad at the moment is that it makes awesome stories. so here is mine.

what happened today & why

it was about 8.30am when i woke up. i had my usual two bowls of corn flakes with sugar, a cup of tea, and a cup of chocolate (i always have one when i wake up in a bad mood, to give me the strength to get through the day). i brushed my teeth, got dressed, checked my emails, and read a book for a while.

soon it was 10.00am and my eyes would dart to the window after every couple of words to see if maybe xxx was finally coming. i had my phone on and my Facebook open in case he needed to get in touch with me. we had agreed only yesterday that we would have a rehearsal at 10.00am in the morning. i waited, i kept reading, i looked out the window, i refreshed my Facebook, i double checked my phone – and xxx just wasn’t here, and i had no news from him …

i tried not to think too much of it. instead all i thought was, “how typical”. my bad mood was settled for the day. i spent the rest of the morning watching the first episode of a tv series (the tv adaptation of the book i am actually reading). i felt like doing nothing i was so physically tired and disappointed by xxx. i felt so silly for having trusted him again.

i had lunch with my mum and older sister (the nice one), then went in my room and wasted time until about 1.45pm, when i had to leave for a meeting with my mentor. we both arrived exactly on time, which was nice. he paid for my chai latte and we sat at a table. then he said that usually, when he starts mentoring someone new, he likes to introduce himself and get the person to introduce and talk about themselves. so he talked for a while about his career and his path, and it was all quite interesting.

when it was my turn to speak, i hardly knew what to say. it feels i’ve lived a long life, but so short at the same time. and also that these last few years have been so amazing, and yet so difficult too, that it brings me a lot of pain talking about them. but i really just condensed my life into a few sentences, so he had a general idea of where i came from.

we talked about our life purpose, the causes for depression, religion, peace, and people. sometimes i would listen very attentively, but often my mind would wonder off to all the negative feelings i have had recently, and i would want to cry. i’d get tears in my eyes, look down and fidget with the napkin until i felt fine enough again to look up.

eventually i told him that my sister had had cancer, and that she also has borderline personality disorder. but even that isn’t my greatest cause of pain, though they certainly add quite a load of stress and worry. i said how my mum was ill, and then i lost it. the tears really came. well, a few did. i tried to control myself and not cry too much. i didn’t want to apologise, but at the same time i felt sort of bad that this was happening. the truth is that – and this is what i said – “i don’t have anyone to be sad with”.

it is hard enough having to deal with my sister’s behaviour, which is at times very frustrating, demanding and plain difficult; it is hard enough trying to ignore the possibility that she might relapse and pass away; it is hard enough seeing my own mother’s body and brain give in to illness; it is hard enough staying positive and caring and cheerful despite my mother’s illness; it is hard enough caring for my mother, and on top of that caring for the other people and groups i voluntarily care for; it is hard enough trying to do as many great things as i can when my hardships are long-term ones; it is hard enough being in stupid love with a friend who repeatedly is letting me down …

but what makes everything so much harder, is that i have no one to share my sadness with. absolutely no one. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ i guess it is why i write this blog, after all. i really only have two best friends, but i am not even that close with them anymore. the only other friend i have is xxx, but as you can guess i am a lot less inclined to trust him anymore. so who can i share all my troubles and pain with? i need a best friend, i need someone desperately because i have never felt so out of strength as i am feeling now. i feel so alone and so sad. why do i not have someone?

when i feel down, i wish i had someone. someone to lean on. not just figuratively speaking, but literally as well. sitting down next to someone, and resting my head on their shoulder, and lean on them. my feet are getting sore from standing so long on my own, through the mud and through the pebbles and bumps and oh, i am so tired of being along, and of having to be strong all the time.

so there i was, with my new mentor, a man of over 40 years of age, we had never really spoken before, but there i was crying. i told him how my friend had supposed to come to rehearsal at mine and he hadn’t turned up. the man said i should be assertive and stand up for myself, that it wasn’t right i was treated like this. i said i agreed, but i find it so difficult to confront others, even when i know i have to.

eventually we parted, and once on my own i checked my phone. i had a message from xxx, and it said that he had slept through his alarm and was sorry.ย without thinking,ย off i went to xxx’s house, on foot. i wasn’t really sure what i had in mind to say. but my mind was very clouded during my walk to his house. i’d start crying, and take a deep breath, and focused on nothing, and would start crying again. but i made it to the front door. i rang the door bell without hesitation. his mother opened the door, and i asked her if xxx was in. she said he’d gone out an hour or so ago. she asked me if something was wrong and i really didn’t know what to say. i hate lying, and i’m very bad at it, so i shrugged my shoulders. she noticed that i wasn’t that great and offered me a hug, and i started crying again. i told her the story of how xxx had let me down this morning again, and she said she’d have a word with him when he gets home, and that he is acting like a child.

once that was over, i walked to the park just near his house, the park we always walk to whenever xxx and i go for a walk. i felt so awful and so alone. i know so many people and i think generally people like me, but i trust no one with my sadness and that realisation just weighed down on me so much. i sat in the park for an hour, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, until i started to feel the cold of the evening through my fitness jumper. i then headed home.

no news from xxx. in the park i texted yyy, who texted back saying i had a friend in him. that was of some comfort, but not very much, for who – i can be a loyal friend, but i can be demanding, too … i crave for yyy to be the person i need in my life, but maybe he isn’t. i just wish someone loved me. i just wish i had someone to whom to tell my fears and sadness and weaknesses. someone to lean on ……. i need someone to lean on ….

random thoughts of a tired girl on a Sunday night.

i’ve definitely calmed down from yesterday. in fact i think i am just plain exhausted, considering i had so little sleep last night. i cried, and thought, and tossed and turned in my bed, and continued thinking, of this and that, of XXX, of YYY and the new boy whom it is my responsibility to care for (i am his mentor).

as for xxx, we were supposed to have a rehearsal this afternoon, but unsurprisingly he hadn’t learnt his part so we decided it wouldn’t be worth sitting around sight-reading. all the better for me, as i was in no mood to see him. even when he texted me i felt no joy. i felt no nothing. just so plain. so emotion-less. i don’t even feel excitement at the thought of playing music with him. in a way i am terrified of seeing him again. i am scared of how forgetful my heart will be at the mere sight of him. how i’ll just forgive, forget my pain and anger, and end up thinking that all will be fine again, and that we are the best of friends, him and i. i am scared that because of my stupidity and blindness, i will have to endure months of unecessary pain again.

this morning i went grocery shopping with mum, and i also did my family’s week’s worth of ironing. in the afternoon i vacuumed the whole house. these are my Sunday chores. i walked past my harp at some point in the day, thinking to myself how last week, xxx and i had been playing, and how much fun we had had, and how excited i had felt, and how happy i had been in his company, doing something we both love so much.

is that all to come to an end?

i just want to forget about him for now. at least he is not messaging me very much, and i certainly ain’t either. chances are he isn’t thinking of me very much, or missing me very much either. he never was good at keeping in touch anyway. but maybe he is just respecting my need for distance. i don’t know. i don’t care anymore. i don’t want to see him, but i have to.

i really just hope this other guy, yyy, will message me soon. i have decided to call the dinner we had last week a “date”, just because i like the sound of it now, just so i can tell myself someone is interested in me. that sounds so lame and sad, but whatever. he really seems like a busy and interesting guy. and i mean busy in the good way. i have found out (thanks to my amazing stalking skills) that he is the area director for this public speaking club. that’s so amazing! obviously he is also in rotary. so yes, i believe he is very much into community service like me. we are both leaders and givers … if only he texted me, though! i think he went away last week, and i have no clue when he will be back. i’m tired of always making the first move though, which is why i hope he will contact me again ๐Ÿ˜ฆ the last thing he said to me was “see you soon”!

and as for my little boy – really he is 17 and i am only 21 – i feel so affectionate towards him already. well you know, he is on exchange and i am his mentor, and i have to make sure he is safe, sound and happy. another person to care for – how amazing, and at the same time how tiring. i love caring for people obviously, but after a while i feel so drained and tired. nevertheless, i feel very happy having a new friend under my wing and i will do my best to nurture him into an amazing young man – this is really my responsibility.

i try not to be too judgemental of others. i enjoy getting to know people very much, and i really try, consciously, not to force people into being someone they’re not. i try to let them be. i try not to say mean things. i try to be supportive and see things from their point of view. i try not to criticise them. i try to help them grow. that is often the stance i took with xxx, come to think of it. sometimes he’d do things that would piss me off. but i would think, this is who is he, and if you can love him regardless of that, he will only grow from it. it is hard to be supportive all the time when you feel hurt and sad. i just try my best.

but i think it is so worth it when finally you see that person’s potential developing and being expressed. it is like looking at a flower blooming. and sometimes you don’t even know how great the greatness is going to be. i would like to think my influence on the blooming of aย flower like a little raindrop. small – maybe the flower didn’t even feel it directly – but necessary for growth.

on a completely unrelated thought, my mentee reminds me of this boy i fell in love with back when i was – oh, i would have been maybe 15. like this crush of mine from a past era, he is very tall, and quite skinny, and has a way of walking which is particular to him – long strides. i cannot help but be reminded of this crush which i had forย years when i see my mentee.

well anyhow, i must get on with life. i haveย a mother to care for, indeed. she is sick, too, and requires my attendance. not the sort of sick that gets better with medication; not the sort of sick that is over in a few days. it’s the sort of sick that will get worse with time and that will last until her last day … i feel very sad when i watch her slow, awkward movements. and i think how she seems to have aged so much, so quickly. it feels like only yesterday that she was the fit woman she used to be. i lock the sadness away inside when i am around her – in fact, all the time, whenever and wherever i am – and be happy, and be as caring and nice as i can be to her. i only hope that she feels a sense of pride into the person i am becoming …

good night readers x

explosion

warning: rant time!

now i remember why i got off Facebook and i realise i like Facebook less and less and less.

what the hell, this person posted a photo saying it was hers and XXX’s 6 months or something. why. six months of what. is there something i don’t know. all he told me was that he’d been going out with friends and had sushi and beer and that it’d been good. is he dating someone. IS HE DATING SOMEONE? is he seeing someone and if he is, why didn’t he tell me anything about it? i’m furious! of course i’m making dumb deductions from Facebook material but why not, isn’t this what Facebook is for these days! ok other clue is that he posted on his professional page a promo poster of his upcoming gigs and then he tagged that girl in a comment as if inviting her along. who is she? he has never told me about her. why don’t i know anything. didn’t he have the decency to at least tell me he’d met someone? when i had asked him to tell me? is he a huge coward?

i’m gonna find him tomorrow and find out. i feel i could slap his face i am so mad, jealous, hurt and angry. i hope i’m just making things up and he’ll tell me otherwise but anyway i am so sick of him now. i felt so bitter that as soon as i joined my parents at dinner my dad went, “you look tired, you look sad” – what the hell, am i that much of an open book?! i fought so hard not to cry. he’s an asshole, asshole, asshole. i hate him. i’m so over him and i’m gonna get over him.

who cares about our concert, i’ll either cancel it or find a new classical guitarist with whom to play. i’m sick of him using me for his own success anyway. and who fucking cares how we once were great friends, it doesn’t seem to matter anyway since he isn’t being honest with me!!! asshole asshole asshole. i don’t want to ever talk to him anymore. he sucks. i’m so disgusted. so disappointed.

i can’t believe how NICE i’ve been to him and this is what i’m getting. i think i’m finally ready to give it all up because between his depression and lack of care for me, i’m feeling too lost and sad. the other thing is he says i’m one of his best friends, yet i feel i know so little about his life outside of our friendship. in the one year of knowing him i have never ever met any other of his friends. what is this? what is he hiding? why is he keeping me away?

i’m trying not to cry but i know as soon as i’ll go into bed, the tears are just gonna come pouring down ๐Ÿ˜ฅ well i guess i’ve lost my mind thinking he might have been dating someone the past six months without having told me but that might not even be the case. i’ll just rock up to his tomorrow and investigate. then i might decide not to see him ever again.

i’m nothing to him. pff he says he cares but he hasn’t been a good friend at all – when i fucking have. how dare he do this to me. ah i am so mad. i feel like yelling at him “good luck”. yes, good luck for finding someone like me! he has no idea what he’s messing with. good luck trying to find someone who is as fucking patient as me, and who will support you through your depression and low moods and distance and silence and lame excuses and apologies AND STILL BE STANDING AT YOUR SIDE AS YOUR FRIEND. good luck trying to find someone who will forgive as easily and as readily as i have, and who was genuinely interested in your growth as a human being and musician. good luck trying to find someone who never tried to pressure you into anything and who respected your wishes NO MATTER HOW HARD that was at times. good luck trying to find someone who will not despair and get annoyed at all the problems you seem to encounter, but who will instead stay positive and try to help whenever possible. good luck trying to find someone who will go out of their way to cheer you up. i know who i am, i know what i do, and i know what you will miss.

but you know what, i don’t care, because you are not worth my attention & love.

life is cool! :D

I have to say, I’m just leading the best life ever! ๐Ÿ˜€ This year is so exciting and amazing. I say – every year is better than the last. I think it has to do with the fact that I am becoming more and more aware of my inner self and what I like to do, and what my purpose in the world is. The majority of my choices are decided upon what I believe my purpose is, which is why I think I have made the best choices ever these last couple of months!

Back in 2015 I began volunteering as a homework tutor for this child whose parents are refugees from Somalia. I have been seeing them on a weekly basis ever since, and the experience has been SO amazing that I could probably write 10 pages about it and probably wouldn’t even manage to express how amazing it has been! I have found myself going beyond the tutoring to helping with other issues, for example buying school supplies. And just tonight the father asked me to call his mobile phone company as he believes his plan had changed (and he had). He couldn’t do it himself because he does not speak English very well. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for him, trying to explain a problem to me or anyone, and of not being understood. When he was explaining the situation to me, it took me a long time to understand it. I felt like saying, “oh, I see”, but then I couldn’t lie, that would have made the whole thing worse! But anyway, at last part of the problem has been solved, now we just have to find a new plan for him. But it’s the best feeling devoting your time for someone!

This year I also starting volunteering at a home for people who have had strokes, who are suffering from old age, physical and mental disabilities. I usually go every Thursday for an hour or so, but last month I didn’t go at all. I returned yesterday and it was so good to see the residents again! ๐Ÿ˜€ Communicating with them is a little difficult – not for language reason in this case, but because of their age/disability, but it doesn’t matter. I think many of them just like the company. I assist with one of the activities, which is to throw a big ball to the residents. This helps with their movement and coordination. It sounds boring but it’s actually great fun! ๐Ÿ˜€ And I also like to familiarise myself with old age and you know, people becoming weak, because I have to say my mum’s aging really quickly and quite badly too. So I’m setting myself up to be strong through this volunteering experience.

But even more exciting is my work with Rotary! YAY! Rotary is an international organisation, and I joined my local club just this year. I am the youngest there by far, and because I’m young and we don’t have many members in our club, they appointed me Youth director, which basically means I oversee any youth project! It happens that before I joined, my club had decided to participate in the youth exchange program. And guess what, our inbound student arrived just YESTERDAY!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! I met him and he is SO NICE and so cute, too! I am actually his mentor as well which means I have to care for him and look out for him! (I also have a bunch more duties and responsibilities to do with school and host families etc etc …) but yay!!! Joining Rotary has definitely been a great choice. I didn’t know what I was in for, and really I still don’t, lol, but it’s amazing and I’m learning so much as well. It’s just GREAT and I recommend it to EVERYONE.

I also volunteer for this other thing, it isn’t as intense as the other three, but there you go.

I guess the points I wanted to make with this post are that …

  1. I am aware that people are actually relying on me and trusting me, and that is an absolute blessing, one which I definitely do not take for granted. The Somali family views me as a friend as well as tutor, and trust me I will help them when they need. Our inbound student’s natural parents are trusting me to keep their child safe in a country he’s never been to.
  2. I realise also that I have many responsibilities, for the simple reason that all these people trust me. I have to show them I am worthy of their trust.
  3. Caring for others, unconditionally, is – what life should be about.
  4. When I step out of myself and look at my life as if from an observer’s point of view, I am actually very very happy with who I am today, as well as very proud. I don’t think there are many people like me and I am happy about that.
  5. Also, if people don’t love me, too bad for them! ๐Ÿ˜€