test.

I was doing better today; last night I did my nails and today I went for a long walk, so I was actually in a good mood this afternoon, which is surprising after the number of tears I cried yesterday.

But I’m feeling mad again right now. I started feeling sad in the evening, I kept thinking back to all the times XXX and I had slept together, and how we’d end up talking about something really immature and we’d both end up laughing like crazy, and how in that dark room, when everyone else was sleeping, at 2am, I’d be so very happy …

I’ve decided I won’t be reaching out to him this time. I guess you can say I’m giving up on him, but also I am trying to let him go and move on. That’s what I’d like to think but a part of me isn’t ready, nor willing to do that, because I am so in love with our friendship, and I don’t want to lose that 😥 I don’t have a friend like XXX and I know I never will have another one quite like it.

Over 24h have passed since I last messaged him on Facebook and he still hasn’t given me any reply … It’s true it was a huge message and probably a bit difficult to reply to, but whatever. He could message me to ask how I’m doing, but he isn’t even doing that. Does he care for me so little? It kills me to think so 😦

I’ve been spending the past hour or so literally staring at my computer screen, waiting for him to start TYPING an answer on chat, but that isn’t happening. I thought maybe he was busy, but then I saw he liked a photo. So he’s obviously online.

Anyway, I’ve now deactivated my Facebook account, which actually feels like a relief. I won’t have to think so much about XXX or ask myself whether or not he’s finally replied to me. I’ve decided to set him a test (which obviously he doesn’t know about). I’m really just going to test if he’s going to fight for me. Day 1 he has failed so far. And that was the easy part since I still was on FB. Now if he wants to see me he’ll either have to call me/text me/or come to me in person. Let’s see if he cares!!! Let’s see how bothered he can be to find me and fight for me and keep me!!

But maybe he won’t be bothered at all. In which case I’ll just have to accept it and forget about the friendship 😦

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3 thoughts on “test.

  1. He does care for you… But as he did say he isn’t interested in a relationship.. So any normal feedback, he probably thinks you will take as a change in his mind. You do need to move in, and you need the space for it to happen.

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    1. I hope he can understand and respect my need for space. It’s crappy though, I can’t let go of him completely since we have gigs booked in the future already and that alone is making me pretty damn excited! 😛 Nevertheless, I can try to think about him less and perhaps go out and meet other people, as he suggested …
      Thanks for the comment! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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