byebye lovely.

I almost cannot truly enjoy spending time with XXX anymore, it fills me with such sadness to be so happy in his company 😦 I don’t want to like him anymore, I don’t want to see him ever again …

Yesterday I went to his at three in the afternoon and we went for an hour and a half walk through the parks in his suburbs after having a cup of rooibos tea. He’d shaved and I felt physically more attracted to him than before. So we went for a walk, talking about plenty of different things. Sometimes we were so close, I could’ve held his hand. And it crossed my mind but I didn’t dare do anything, what is the point? I just listened to his voice, thinking how nice it sounds; and we shared opinions and ideas on issues and I thought how lovely it was just to talk.

We then went to my place to play music. He hadn’t been at my home for months. We played for music for perhaps two hours, just sight-reading new repertoire, and then we played a couple of pop songs, and finished off with improvisation. We had so much fun; I know I had. He recently bought a new classical guitar and at this point he was like, “isn’t my guitar awesome?”, looking at me, smiling, and I nodded, smiling, and we were just staring at each other like that, looking into each other’s eyes and smiling and I – I remember it doesn’t matter …

Dinner was next. There was mum, dad, my older sister and her boyfriend, XXX and I. It was a fairly animated dinner with lots of funny things being said. The sort of dinner that puts everyone in a good mood. And it made me happy that XXX appears so comfortable around my whole family. After dinner, we played two more pieces and then I dropped him off home.

I sent him a poem I’d written while I was away, it was about how I missed his company when I was in this botanic park, drinking a cup of coffee. His response couldn’t be more harsh to my ears, reiterating the fact that I need to find someone else to love and that I should not see him as a potential boyfriend, lover – just as he is and that is all. 😦 It’s impossible for me to see any guy that way, especially one with whom I get on this well and am so attracted to as well!

When I opened my Facebook this morning, the first thing I saw on my newsfeed was that message saying, “you became friends with XXX one year ago”. I already knew that today is the one year anniversary since XXX and I first met. I remember the night as if it had happened only yesterday. How he’d come over to me and the two other girls I was speaking to, and he’d given me a lift home that evening, too; we’d listened to Mozart’s Requiem in the car. It’s his birthday in September, and I got him a ticket to the symphony orchestra’s concert of Mozart’s Requiem …

I can’t tell you how awful I feel, it’s even been robbing me of my sleep so I’m getting headaches now. I wish I could be angry at him but I can’t – he has been so honest to me and communicative about his intentions and own feelings … And the reason he’s been so honest is because he cares for me and doesn’t want me to get hurt (but it is too late, really). It was too late already a year ago when we met …

Considering we have a gig in October, a concert in December, and he’s asked me to do chamber music with him for uni, we will still have to see each other to rehearse. It actually annoys me now that we have got commitments until the end of the year. I’m so tired of liking him this much and it’s all for nothing.

I’m trying to think of ways to get over him, but even the thought breaks me apart 😥 Which means I am probably not completely ready to do it yet – but then, are we ever? I think perhaps more distance between us is a good way to start. I might deactivate my Facebook again so I don’t contact him every 10 minutes, and I don’t stalk his profile every day … and I won’t invite him ever again, and I won’t ask to hang out. From now on the sole purpose for me seeing him will be to play music and rehearse for our shows, nothing more. I don’t want to talk to him anymore, it’s too painful trusting someone – I can’t do it anymore 😥

All I can say is there is nothing worse than having to shut someone out who you absolutely love.

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4 thoughts on “byebye lovely.

  1. I felt my heart break and there were tears in my eyes. I feel you very much, Eliza, and I hope that this will pass soon. You deserve the very best in life and I’m sorry that it hasn’t turned out the way it should have. I hope you will find your happiness ^_^ and I will continue to support you through these times ❤

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    1. It’s not the end yet, I know that, and who knows what will happen in the next six months, after which XXX and I have absolutely zero plans – perhaps I’ll decide to finally let go of him completely then …
      But I can tell you I feel a whole lot better than yesterday (which is when I wrote this post); I’ve got tricks up my sleeve to feel better! Lovely supportive comments like yours are also really nice & helpful so thank you!! x

      Liked by 1 person

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