exhausted and sad.

one positive i can think of from feeling so sad at the moment is that it makes awesome stories. so here is mine.

what happened today & why

it was about 8.30am when i woke up. i had my usual two bowls of corn flakes with sugar, a cup of tea, and a cup of chocolate (i always have one when i wake up in a bad mood, to give me the strength to get through the day). i brushed my teeth, got dressed, checked my emails, and read a book for a while.

soon it was 10.00am and my eyes would dart to the window after every couple of words to see if maybe xxx was finally coming. i had my phone on and my Facebook open in case he needed to get in touch with me. we had agreed only yesterday that we would have a rehearsal at 10.00am in the morning. i waited, i kept reading, i looked out the window, i refreshed my Facebook, i double checked my phone – and xxx just wasn’t here, and i had no news from him …

i tried not to think too much of it. instead all i thought was, “how typical”. my bad mood was settled for the day. i spent the rest of the morning watching the first episode of a tv series (the tv adaptation of the book i am actually reading). i felt like doing nothing i was so physically tired and disappointed by xxx. i felt so silly for having trusted him again.

i had lunch with my mum and older sister (the nice one), then went in my room and wasted time until about 1.45pm, when i had to leave for a meeting with my mentor. we both arrived exactly on time, which was nice. he paid for my chai latte and we sat at a table. then he said that usually, when he starts mentoring someone new, he likes to introduce himself and get the person to introduce and talk about themselves. so he talked for a while about his career and his path, and it was all quite interesting.

when it was my turn to speak, i hardly knew what to say. it feels i’ve lived a long life, but so short at the same time. and also that these last few years have been so amazing, and yet so difficult too, that it brings me a lot of pain talking about them. but i really just condensed my life into a few sentences, so he had a general idea of where i came from.

we talked about our life purpose, the causes for depression, religion, peace, and people. sometimes i would listen very attentively, but often my mind would wonder off to all the negative feelings i have had recently, and i would want to cry. i’d get tears in my eyes, look down and fidget with the napkin until i felt fine enough again to look up.

eventually i told him that my sister had had cancer, and that she also has borderline personality disorder. but even that isn’t my greatest cause of pain, though they certainly add quite a load of stress and worry. i said how my mum was ill, and then i lost it. the tears really came. well, a few did. i tried to control myself and not cry too much. i didn’t want to apologise, but at the same time i felt sort of bad that this was happening. the truth is that – and this is what i said – “i don’t have anyone to be sad with”.

it is hard enough having to deal with my sister’s behaviour, which is at times very frustrating, demanding and plain difficult; it is hard enough trying to ignore the possibility that she might relapse and pass away; it is hard enough seeing my own mother’s body and brain give in to illness; it is hard enough staying positive and caring and cheerful despite my mother’s illness; it is hard enough caring for my mother, and on top of that caring for the other people and groups i voluntarily care for; it is hard enough trying to do as many great things as i can when my hardships are long-term ones; it is hard enough being in stupid love with a friend who repeatedly is letting me down …

but what makes everything so much harder, is that i have no one to share my sadness with. absolutely no one. 😦 i guess it is why i write this blog, after all. i really only have two best friends, but i am not even that close with them anymore. the only other friend i have is xxx, but as you can guess i am a lot less inclined to trust him anymore. so who can i share all my troubles and pain with? i need a best friend, i need someone desperately because i have never felt so out of strength as i am feeling now. i feel so alone and so sad. why do i not have someone?

when i feel down, i wish i had someone. someone to lean on. not just figuratively speaking, but literally as well. sitting down next to someone, and resting my head on their shoulder, and lean on them. my feet are getting sore from standing so long on my own, through the mud and through the pebbles and bumps and oh, i am so tired of being along, and of having to be strong all the time.

so there i was, with my new mentor, a man of over 40 years of age, we had never really spoken before, but there i was crying. i told him how my friend had supposed to come to rehearsal at mine and he hadn’t turned up. the man said i should be assertive and stand up for myself, that it wasn’t right i was treated like this. i said i agreed, but i find it so difficult to confront others, even when i know i have to.

eventually we parted, and once on my own i checked my phone. i had a message from xxx, and it said that he had slept through his alarm and was sorry. without thinking, off i went to xxx’s house, on foot. i wasn’t really sure what i had in mind to say. but my mind was very clouded during my walk to his house. i’d start crying, and take a deep breath, and focused on nothing, and would start crying again. but i made it to the front door. i rang the door bell without hesitation. his mother opened the door, and i asked her if xxx was in. she said he’d gone out an hour or so ago. she asked me if something was wrong and i really didn’t know what to say. i hate lying, and i’m very bad at it, so i shrugged my shoulders. she noticed that i wasn’t that great and offered me a hug, and i started crying again. i told her the story of how xxx had let me down this morning again, and she said she’d have a word with him when he gets home, and that he is acting like a child.

once that was over, i walked to the park just near his house, the park we always walk to whenever xxx and i go for a walk. i felt so awful and so alone. i know so many people and i think generally people like me, but i trust no one with my sadness and that realisation just weighed down on me so much. i sat in the park for an hour, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, until i started to feel the cold of the evening through my fitness jumper. i then headed home.

no news from xxx. in the park i texted yyy, who texted back saying i had a friend in him. that was of some comfort, but not very much, for who – i can be a loyal friend, but i can be demanding, too … i crave for yyy to be the person i need in my life, but maybe he isn’t. i just wish someone loved me. i just wish i had someone to whom to tell my fears and sadness and weaknesses. someone to lean on ……. i need someone to lean on ….


9 thoughts on “exhausted and sad.

  1. If you need someone, I’m always here. Maybe it’s easier for you to share your thoughts with someone you don’t really know than with someone you’re close to. Wish you all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

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