Although I saw XXX on Sunday, it feels I haven’t seen anyone in ages. Maybe it is because I just haven’t spoken to anyone about how I have been feeling. I asked my bestie if she were free on Monday but she said she is busy all the way until Friday of next week. I can barely believe it. Not even a few minutes to see me? I guess she really means free for a few hours as otherwise it isn’t worth it? The thing is that I have really wanted company but like, NOW. But no one seems to get that. Maybe it is because I haven’t told them. I don’t know. I forgot the things I said and how I expressed myself. I just wish people could “get” what I am feeling without me having to tell them, but I guess they can’t …
I spent all of yesterday by myself, so I could feel my loneliness even more. I went for a long walk in the afternoon at the lake where I had walked with XXX back in October of last year. I was there for pretty much two hours and thought about XXX all this time. I missed him very much. I wanted to talk to him so badly. Talking to XXX is so good, so relaxing, so easy, so ………… it makes you feel so much better. As he wasn’t there, I talked to him in my thoughts, and then I asked the Universe to send all my thoughts to XXX so that he could know I was thinking of him. And that I feel so grateful to have someone like XXX to talk to when I need. But – oh how I missed him so much. And remembering the walk we’d had together, and how we’d spent like ten minutes at the viewing platform, smiling and totally relaxed and comfortable, and not speaking. XXX and I can communicate really well without even speaking; that day last year at the park was when that became obvious to me.
I wrote him a letter as well. Which I finished this morning at my desk, in tears. I guess I couldn’t expect anything different because I listed all the things that had made me feel negative (and the list is pretty long). But I know it is good for me to write everything down, and it will be a comfort to know XXX will read it and understand me.
In order to get over him I had decided to put more distance between us, ie. speak to him less, chat to him less, see him less often etc. Well one thing I learnt from the experience is that it’s done nothing to make my feelings disappear. Not being in touch with him makes me feel lonely and I miss him terribly, I just miss TALKING to him. I know we are still good friends but I miss the interactions so much. So absence has only made the heart fonder. Great job, self, really not the outcome you had in mind but there we go.
XXX and I had planned a rehearsal but he asked if he could come later, to which I said there isn’t much point as it wouldn’t give us much time to rehearse anyway as I had a Rotary meeting. So we did not rehearse 😥 I really wanted to see him, to get a good hug, I don’t know, but I guess I just have to be more patient. We are going to a concert this Friday which should be really good. It is for his birthday (my gift). He also said that we could have a nice long chat afterwards (his idea) and that made me so happy. I think he feels ok telling me about that other girl who I enquired about on Sunday. See? I knew he’d tell if, I just had to ask. I can’t help but feel a bit nosy though, maybe he didn’t want to tell me about it and I put my nose in his business – I mean, what right do I have to? I don’t know I feel about me asking him, but now I did it.
So tonight was Rotary night, i.e. CUTIE PIE. Whom I hadn’t seen since the night he came over at my place. As soon as he sat in my car, he asked me how my week had been so far. I didn’t say anything, just shrugged my shoulders. I don’t want to lie but I don’t really want to say the truth either. Instead, I said, “you tell me about your week!” so he just told me about his school assignments, and I was so happy to listen to his stories and thoughts.
We had the meeting and then the past president asked me if he should drive him home so I went, “it’s ok, I’ll do it” (Cutie Pie is MINE, don’t you dare touch him LOL). So I was driving quite slowly, wanting to take my time because I desperately needed time with someone. Then I “accidently” forgot to take a turn, I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I wanted more time with him to get me out of my “loneliness” mindset. I drove to an empty carpark, it was about 8.15pm and I switched off the engine and Cutie Pie and I talked a bit. But a part of me kept saying I should take him home, that his host parents are expecting him, that he has homework to do … So after 10ish minutes, off we went on the way to his house, but then I “accidently” did not turn again, I was having this battle within myself over what to do. Take him home or keep him with me? So I kept him with me.
I drove to a different car park, the one at the beach. We got out of the car, I asked him if he had a bit of time, and we decided to go for a walk along the beach for half an hour. I was SO happy. Obviously I texted his host mum so that she didn’t worry. So we walked and we talked. He actually did most of the talking. He told me lots of awkward/funny/hilarious stories about his family and himself. So now I know a lot about him. Or should I say, a lot MORE.
As I am bad a multitasking, I asked to sit down, so we were sitting side by side on this empty beach at night. It was really quite nice to be alone with someone and to give them their full attention and have someone talk to me. I listened even though I felt a bit tired. But I enjoy listening. I really like getting to know people and he is just so funny and unique, and a very good story teller, too.
I like looking at him, too. I think sometimes my ears would stop working and my eyes would take over. (I really cannot multitask, lol). He is very adorable and good-looking, and it was a bit different in the darkness.
Soon it was five to nine and we had to head back, but we were like a 15min walk from the car, lol. He told me more funny stories as we walked, and he kept thinking up of new ones to tell me. He walks really very fast and sometimes we would bump into each other because the beach is so uneven. I liked those little moments when we were closer. I really miss human touch. Affection is what XXX would say. I think I understand what he meant now …
So I drove and this time I took all the right turns and parked in the driveway. Cutie Pie stayed for five minutes as he was explaining something to me. And I don’t know, I just enjoy hearing his thoughts so much. I just wanted to give him a big hug or kiss or I don’t know. I felt so grateful that HE had had the time for me, when I needed it. Yay. He saved me from feeling crap. I am so thankful for that. I did thank him for his company. And I think he enjoyed himself too. When we got back to my car and he opened the passenger door which meant he had forgotten to lock it (the lock on the car doesn’t work properly) so I made a face like, “you forgot to lock the door AGAIN ….” and he was like, “SORRRRRY … but it was fun right?” 🙂
I am really so, so, so happy that I could see Cutie Pie and that – I could be with him for a bit, one-on-one. It is so important for me to be with people, but also for those people to be with me, rather than merely around me. He is such a sweet boy, I really wish he lived here, this time next year he will be back in his home country 😥 I don’t even know how to express my gratitude. He is so awesome. And he probably has zero idea how much this evening has improved my well-being and how grateful I feel that he is alive …