yay for Cutie Pie.

Although I saw XXX on Sunday, it feels I haven’t seen anyone in ages. Maybe it is because I just haven’t spoken to anyone about how I have been feeling. I asked my bestie if she were free on Monday but she said she is busy all the way until Friday of next week. I can barely believe it. Not even a few minutes to see me? I guess she really means free for a few hours as otherwise it isn’t worth it? The thing is that I have really wanted company but like, NOW. But no one seems to get that. Maybe it is because I haven’t told them. I don’t know. I forgot the things I said and how I expressed myself. I just wish people could “get” what I am feeling without me having to tell them, but I guess they can’t …

I spent all of yesterday by myself, so I could feel my loneliness even more. I went for a long walk in the afternoon at the lake where I had walked with XXX back in October of last year. I was there for pretty much two hours and thought about XXX all this time. I missed him very much. I wanted to talk to him so badly. Talking to XXX is so good, so relaxing, so easy, so ………… it makes you feel so much better. As he wasn’t there, I talked to him in my thoughts, and then I asked the Universe to send all my thoughts to XXX so that he could know I was thinking of him. And that I feel so grateful to have someone like XXX to talk to when I need. But – oh how I missed him so much. And remembering the walk we’d had together, and how we’d spent like ten minutes at the viewing platform, smiling and totally relaxed and comfortable, and not speaking. XXX and I can communicate really well without even speaking; that day last year at the park was when that became obvious to me.

I wrote him a letter as well. Which I finished this morning at my desk, in tears. I guess I couldn’t expect anything different because I listed all the things that had made me feel negative (and the list is pretty long). But I know it is good for me to write everything down, and it will be a comfort to know XXX will read it and understand me.

In order to get over him I had decided to put more distance between us, ie. speak to him less, chat to him less, see him less often etc. Well one thing I learnt from the experience is that it’s done nothing to make my feelings disappear. Not being in touch with him makes me feel lonely and I miss him terribly, I just miss TALKING to him. I know we are still good friends but I miss the interactions so much. So absence has only made the heart fonder. Great job, self, really not the outcome you had in mind but there we go.

XXX and I had planned a rehearsal but he asked if he could come later, to which I said there isn’t much point as it wouldn’t give us much time to rehearse anyway as I had a Rotary meeting. So we did not rehearse 😥 I really wanted to see him, to get a good hug, I don’t know, but I guess I just have to be more patient. We are going to a concert this Friday which should be really good. It is for his birthday (my gift). He also said that we could have a nice long chat afterwards (his idea) and that made me so happy. I think he feels ok telling me about that other girl who I enquired about on Sunday. See? I knew he’d tell if, I just had to ask. I can’t help but feel a bit nosy though, maybe he didn’t want to tell me about it and I put my nose in his business – I mean, what right do I have to? :/ I don’t know I feel about me asking him, but now I did it.

So tonight was Rotary night, i.e. CUTIE PIE. Whom I hadn’t seen since the night he came over at my place. As soon as he sat in my car, he asked me how my week had been so far. I didn’t say anything, just shrugged my shoulders. I don’t want to lie but I don’t really want to say the truth either. Instead, I said, “you tell me about your week!” so he  just told me about his school assignments, and I was so happy to listen to his stories and thoughts.

We had the meeting and then the past president asked me if he should drive him home so I went, “it’s ok, I’ll do it” (Cutie Pie is MINE, don’t you dare touch him LOL). So I was driving quite slowly, wanting to take my time because I desperately needed time with someone. Then I “accidently” forgot to take a turn, I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I wanted more time with him to get me out of my “loneliness” mindset. I drove to an empty carpark, it was about 8.15pm and I switched off the engine and Cutie Pie and I talked a bit. But a part of me kept saying I should take him home, that his host parents are expecting him, that he has homework to do … So after 10ish minutes, off we went on the way to his house, but then I “accidently” did not turn again, I was having this battle within myself over what to do. Take him home or keep him with me? So I kept him with me.

I drove to a different car park, the one at the beach. We got out of the car, I asked him if he had a bit of time, and we decided to go for a walk along the beach for half an hour. I was SO happy. Obviously I texted his host mum so that she didn’t worry. So we walked and we talked. He actually did most of the talking. He told me lots of awkward/funny/hilarious stories about his family and himself. So now I know a lot about him. Or should I say, a lot MORE.

As I am bad a multitasking, I asked to sit down, so we were sitting side by side on this empty beach at night. It was really quite nice to be alone with someone and to give them their full attention and have someone talk to me. I listened even though I felt a bit tired. But I enjoy listening. I really like getting to know people and he is just so funny and unique, and a very good story teller, too.

I like looking at him, too. I think sometimes my ears would stop working and my eyes would take over. (I really cannot multitask, lol). He is very adorable and good-looking, and it was a bit different in the darkness.

Soon it was five to nine and we had to head back, but we were like a 15min walk from the car, lol. He told me more funny stories as we walked, and he kept thinking up of new ones to tell me. He walks really very fast and sometimes we would bump into each other because the beach is so uneven. I liked those little moments when we were closer. I really miss human touch. Affection is what XXX would say. I think I understand what he meant now …

So I drove and this time I took all the right turns and parked in the driveway. Cutie Pie stayed for five minutes as he was explaining something to me. And I don’t know, I just enjoy hearing his thoughts so much. I just wanted to give him a big hug or kiss or I don’t know. I felt so grateful that HE had had the time for me, when I needed it. Yay. He saved me from feeling crap. I am so thankful for that. I did thank him for his company. And I think he enjoyed himself too. When we got back to my car and he opened the passenger door which meant he had forgotten to lock it (the lock on the car doesn’t work properly) so I made a face like, “you forgot to lock the door AGAIN ….” and he was like, “SORRRRRY … but it was fun right?” 🙂

I am really so, so, so happy that I could see Cutie Pie and that – I could be with him for a bit, one-on-one. It is so important for me to be with people, but also for those people to be with me, rather than merely around me. He is such a sweet boy, I really wish he lived here, this time next year he will be back in his home country 😥 I don’t even know how to express my gratitude. He is so awesome. And he probably has zero idea how much this evening has improved my well-being and how grateful I feel that he is alive …

“let’s not think of this”

^my current thought.

In my last post, I wrote a lot about XXX, including some of our memories. Yay. Happiness. How amazing to have a friend.

NO. HOW AMAZING IT IS NOT.

But I don’t want to cry again over this.

I caught up with him today. He needed me to teach him how to pronounce a French phrase that he has to say out loud on radio today (he is guest presenting for the show he performed in last week). So I went there after lunch. XXX suggested we go for a walk so I agreed. As I walked behind him through the front door I felt like “jumping” on him and wrapping my arms around his neck, I felt so happy to be with him again, and just so excited to go for a walk with him! But obviously I didn’t do any of that. After two seconds outside we noticed the sky was threatening so we went back to get an umbrella. We walked for five minutes nice and close to each other under the big umbrella (how symbolic) and then it started to rain so we headed back home.

While outside I had the thought that it would be really nice to have a cuppa back inside, and I was sort of surprised that as soon as we were home, XXX went into the kitchen to boil some water. So he made me a cup of tea, while I played around on the keyboard. Then we spent a bit of time playing and listening to music. It was very fun! Then I tried teaching him the French and we just ended up laughing and imagining what he’ll sound like tonight on radio. I hope he doesn’t end up laughing on air LOL. I know he won’t …

Then we watched videos on YouTube of guitar music. His Facebook was open and I saw that he had a conversation open with that girl who had posted a photo last month saying “celebrating XXX and I’s six months” and in the conversation I saw a kissing emoji (all this in the glimpse of an eye as XXX quickly closed FB altogether). I wished I hadn’t seen it, my heart felt a little big pang of jealousy, and immense curiosity. Who the HECK is she and why hasn’t he told me a single thing about her???!!!

I didn’t say anything, and pretended not to have any questions. I tried to enjoy my time with him, and really I was. Then his dad returned home and XXX said they had to go shopping (my cue to leave which I totally understood, lol). He walked me to the door. And I couldn’t help myself. I asked, “who is she?”

XXX sighed and looked up at the sky and he seemed a bit lost for words.

“It’s complicated.”

THAT’S all you’re gonna say? “Complicated” ??? Ok I realise my question had come out of the blue and he probably thought he didn’t have enough time to explain everything. Really I think he said, “it’s complicated”, because he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Not just yet.

Now that he knows I know about her (thanks a lot Facebook!) I know eventually he’ll do the right thing and tell me. I might just have to be patient for a few days/weeks. And if he never ends up explaining anything to me, I’ll just have to ask him again. I see no shame in asking.

I really just hope he hasn’t been hiding me something like he is in a relationship with her. He used to tell me he ENJOYS being single!!!! But why would he hide anything from me in the first place???!! And what about the time when I had asked him to tell me if he’d ever meet anyone and he’d said yes?! He’ll probably come up with a stupid saying like he was hiding it so that I don’t get hurt. Bullshitttttt. As if I would not find out in the end. I really hope it’s nothing like what I’m imagining.

And how complicated can it be? Either he is dating her, either he isn’t!!!! Has he slept with her?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? lol

It was a bit of bitter way to say good-bye to XXX I have to admit. I didn’t push it. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows, waited a few seconds, see if he’d start explaining, but it became clear to me he wasn’t, at least not now, so I wished him a good week-end and good luck for the show, I hugged him, and I rushed to my car.

I keep thinking how XXX is so good for my soul, and so unhealthy for my heart. It’s like a huge tug of war inside me all the time. When I am with him I feel so comfortable and safe and relaxed and I think, “this is exactly why I am friends with him”; and then I feel so bummed and heartbroken and I think, “this is exactly why I want to end everything with him and never see him again”.

I feel like I know XXX really well and at the same time I don’t know a thing about him. I know his character and his life at uni and home. But there’s a whole side of him I don’t know. I’ve never ever met any of his friends and I don’t know what he is like in environments that I haven’t seen him in. Is he a different person? Does he have integrity or doesn’t he? In a way I feel he has been hiding this side of him from me …..

I really hope he tells me a bit about her. I feel like it is something I don’t want to hear, but have the right to know. I really have been so devoted to XXX and even though I understand he doesn’t want to love me, it doesn’t mean I don’t hope for it. The least he can do out of respect for me is putting me out of my misery and telling me.

Meh, love is so stupidly gay.

best friends! (and love)

As a harpist, I play for weddings quite often. It’s quite a fun thing to do, being at weddings puts me in a daydreaming state of mind, I find myself thinking about my future wedding will be like … it’s cool to be a wedding musician because you get to meet people from the wedding business, but I think the best thing has to be that you get to know all the best wedding venues in the state. The only thing is that I have pretty much already made up my mind on where I want to get married, lol.

Today I played for a wedding. The couple had a relatively small audience consisting mainly of family members. It was supposed to be outside on the lawn but because of bad weather we were actually in a room upstairs. We had a beautiful view of the river.

Anyhow, when it was the bride’s maid to read out her vows, she actually was pretty much crying! There was so much emotion in her voice that I felt like crying too!!! lol. Seriously. It was pretty emotional …

Sigh, so I wonder who I will marry! And when! When I was younger I used to say to myself I’d like to get married between the ages of 22 and 24. LOL. Yeah right, who am I kidding! 😛 Why does it take so long to find the right person? I don’t even know how I feel about the idea of there being a “right” person. Doesn’t it just have to do with accepting the situation and making the most out of it? That said I do realise we get on better with certain people …

Obviously I can’t help but think of XXX at weddings, which really doesn’t help. It’s because the wedding celebrants always emphasise how important friendship is in a successful marriage. Well, I personally believe XXX and I share a very special friendship and I actually do consider him my best friend. I wonder if he considers me his – I know I am one of his closest friends.

There was this one night last year, I was sleeping over at XXX’s, and then we just started talking about poop. And not just talking about poop in general, but we were sharing all our families’ weird poop stories. Hang on, you just don’t talk about that to EVERYONE!!! That’s how I knew XXX and I had reached an intense trust and friendship level 😉 lol It’s cool because now we can talk about poop whenever and it isn’t even weird or awkward. In fact it’s pretty normal. lol. Was this the lamest paragraph in blogging history??!!

And then there were some nights we’d have deep and meaningful sex (sorry I couldn’t help myself 😛 ) & conversations and then we’d decide to sleep and then one of us would start talking about poop and we’d end up laughing like such immature children. Man, now my eyes are getting so teary and my heart feels broken. I terribly miss him and I miss sleeping with him ……………………… I still think about him every single night and it’s been like seven months since we slept together last. :/

I just can’t get over him, and I’m not surprised since I still see him on a somewhat regular basis. Although we used to see each other a lot more often last year but the thing is that we’ve become such good friends since we first met that how often we see each other doesn’t seem to have any impact on the quality of our friendship. We just pick up where we’d left off, I tell my lame jokes, he tells me his, then we might talk about our worries and of the things that are making us stress, and then we’ll say that we’re both here for each other and life keeps rolling and I am still in his heart and he still in mine.

Friendship.

Just friends.

(I don’t really see him as just a friend btw. But you knew that already).

He is performing in a concert tonight and as it is quite far from my home, I decided not to go as I was so tired from my day performing for both a wedding, and a wedding expo. 😦 I felt so bummed that I couldn’t see my darling perform, though. Good thing I went to the lunchtime concert the other week. I don’t know why I’m considering sending a message to his teacher just to thank him for his hard work – I feel so grateful for him (XXX’s guitar teacher) because he’s the one who’s organised these concerts and their upcoming tour and I’m grateful because XXX has always dreamed of this. And it makes me so happy that XXX is doing things that he loves doing. It makes me so happy :’) So yes, I actually feel like sending his teacher a message. Because hey I am weird like that. It’s weird but at the same time I don’t really care. Like, I’m sure he’d like my message anyway. I would only be saying nice things.

Oh yeah and did I ever write about that music festival XXX wants us to do next year? And if we do it we’ll have to sleep in the same tent! LOL. Sigh I am ALREADY quite excited, although we have to apply first and see if the committee accepts our application and musical act. I hope we can do it!!! 😀

WOOHOO and then just got the confirmation this week that XXX and I are booked for this function. We’ll be playing background music for this dinner thing. SO EXCITED. That is in October. And in November we are playing for a wedding. And in December there is our concert!!! YAY one gig a month with XXX keeps the doctor away

And we’ll also have to work on his recordings and his own compositions and that is very exciting, and after that I think the plan is to go on tour!!! So yes, XXX and I already have plans for like 2018 ….

Just like a married couple! LOL.

What would I know of married couples!!!

homeless man.

This morning I had a meeting in town with a man who provided me a very generous scholarship to attend a residential college for one year while I was at university. On my brief walk to his office, I walked past a homeless man who was eating something off his hand, I couldn’t tell what. I thought to myself, “I will have to find this man again and do something for him after the meeting”.

The meeting went okay, it was actually fairly short and I felt a little awkward actually, which is weird because I am getting better at talking to people these days. He asked me two questions that I had anticipated but hoped wouldn’t be asked. The first was, “how did you find living at college?”. Can you imagine how guilty you feel when someone has put forward thousands of dollars for you and you don’t even enjoy the experience very much? That is how I felt. But, I told him the truth. I said I had found it hard as I had had a lot of trouble connecting with anyone there, but that in retrospect, I do value the experience and feel grateful for it. The other question he asked is whether I have any interest in neuroscience anymore. He asked me this because three years ago when I met him, I had mentioned to him an interest in that field (especially in relation to music therapy) – however I later realised it was really my mum’s dream. Again, I told him the truth that I wasn’t REALLY interested in neuroscience anymore. Phew. A part of me felt a little ashamed because maybe he was disappointed in all I had said, but I was mostly proud of myself for being so damn honest, and face-to-face, too.

After the meeting I made my way back to the train station, but took different streets, and I walked past another homeless man, who in front of him had a sign saying, “HIV & Hungry, God Bless”. I walked past, rounded the corner, and at every step I took a voice in my head grew louder, asking, “what sort of person are you?” – and also, I clearly remembered the thought I had had before the meeting.

So, I made my way back to the homeless man. “Hi! Have you had any food today?” He looked up and smiled, and said to me he actually had had food already. Right, so what could I do? Quick brain, think! “Well, can I get you a coffee or anything??” (Thank you brain). “Sure, that’d be nice!” I waited for him to get up, and then he said he’d rather stay where he was. So I said I’ll go get him a coffee and that I’ll be right back.

Luckily there was a café right across from where he was sitting, so I got him a latte. I also bought a small salted caramel tart. I went back to him with my hands full and sat down next to him on the street. Then we started talking. He had a bit of a funny accent so I didn’t always understand what he said, but I got the gist of it. He doesn’t like to go into cafés and restaurants because he used to be a chef and it hurts him to go into these sorts of places now. He got intro drugs and has been on the streets for 18 months or something. He has a friend who is really good at music. He doesn’t like his family and has got nothing to do with them anymore. He cannot stand alcohol and lost a lot of his friends because of it, and he also broke up with his last girlfriend because she’d started drinking. At night he goes to a suburb and sleeps in a burnt-down house which has a mattress in it. He likes to read. He has HIV. His name is Robert. He wears a blue knitted beanie.

As we talked, some people walked past and dropped some change into the other beanie he had in front of his cardboard sign.

After 20-30minutes, I got up. I shook his hand and told him to take care.

This was my first interaction with a homeless person. I liked it. I thought maybe he might have liked/needed a bit of company and human connection so I was happy to provide that for a small while as I had spare time on my hands. I know there are so many more homeless people and there is no way I can speak to them all. But – you have to start somewhere. Hopefully I have made this man’s day a bit better and a bit more special.

I think we all feel like we need to help when we walk past a homeless person. Yet at the same time we are rushing somewhere else, or we prefer to keep our change to ourselves. We think we cannot provide them housing. We think there is nothing we can do, and we decide to leave not-for-profit or government agencies to take care of them. I’ve been guilty of doing that and I will probably be guilty of doing that many, many more times.

BUT we can ALL do a little thing. If you can’t give them money, give them some time. Make them feel special and appreciated. Ask them about their story. Talk to them. I am convinced that these people value human connection so much. Sometimes that is more worthy than any amount of money. I challenge you all to make some time this week to find a homeless person and chat to them for a bit.

When you’ve done it please come back to this post and share your experience, and pass on the challenge to others.

XX

 

happy after sad.

So on Monday, XXX and I had our photoshoot. He rocked up at mine at 8.40am, I was actually still in my pj’s and I was in the middle of putting make-up on. We didn’t have to leave until quarter to ten but he wanted to come early as he had a lot to tell me. So he talked to me about his performance on the radio, and how he might do some radio presenting for that show, and also how his computer died.

The photoshoot went well I guess, although I haven’t received any photo back yet. (They had to edit a few bits). It wasn’t as fun as I had hoped and expected, probably because we were both pretty tired and we didn’t know the photographer. Still at least we got some photos done so hopefully they will come through soon and someone can design our poster.

I gave XXX a lift to university after the shoot as it was only a ten minute drive. I decided to be brave and tell him that I had had a very bad Friday, and that I had cried non-stop for two hours, and that I felt like no one ever thought of me. I was staring straight at the road but I think he turned his face to look at me and he said, “that’s not true”. So he thinks of me? I didn’t know whether to believe him. How can he not think of me when I am one of his best friends and yet, recently he has barely shown he thinks of me; is it so surprising that I had trouble believing him?

Before XXX got out of the car we agreed that we’d watch a movie together on Tuesday after our rehearsal, and it sounded like a beautiful plan. I have missed him so much and usually we love to chill together, either by going for a long walk, playing music, or watching a movie. I really looked forward to spending some quality time with him and having a long overdue catch up.

Problem is, yesterday I had an even worser day than Friday. Or maybe about the same. I woke up after a strange night, and as my morning was completely free, I went for a two hour walk. After lunch I somehow felt unusually exhausted, so I rested, and rested. I got up at 3pm as I had a student coming but in the end I cancelled the lesson as I felt so weak and tired. I was scared because I am never so tired in the middle of the day.

I spent the whole afternoon and evening in my room. XXX didn’t come because he wasn’t feeling great either and he had something due for university. He told me “hope you get better soon x” and as much as it was a nice thing to say, his message sent me in tears. Was that ALL he was going to say?? Didn’t he know how LONELY I was feeling? Hadn’t I told him only yesterday how I feel no one has been thinking of my well-being???

I am strong so often that I really don’t know how to react when I break down. I don’t know who to turn to, how to tell people I’m not fine. I don’t know how to ask for their attention. I don’t know how to ask them, “can you look after me for a small while?” I mean I don’t really have anyone to talk to in the first place. The only two people I really have are XXX and my other best friend. I got very afraid that XXX hadn’t understood what I had said on Monday and that he didn’t care for me as much as he claimed he did. That made me very sad and made me feel like the loneliest person in the world.

Except later in the evening, he messaged me on Facebook again, asking me to like his YouTube channel, but then he also asked me how I was, and he even said he does think of me, and worries about me. And actually he said something even sweeter, he said he misses me. 😥 (followed by a crying emoticon). And he said I am the nicest most caring person he knows, almost too caring if there is such a thing. He was also bummed that we had to cancel our rehearsal but said maybe we could try to fit it in another time this week, and also catch up to watch a movie. He is so sweet and he actually cares for me and I am surprised because … for a while I thought I was having faith in something that was purely in my imagination.

Words can be so powerless, but they can also be so powerful. He didn’t say much and yet how much strength it gave me. I feel loved again. All that had to happen was for someone to tell me they thought about me. I am happy that someone does. I am happy it is XXX. He isn’t always around and lately we really have not been communicating as much as we did back in the day, but that doesn’t mean he cares for me less. I feel so grateful for him now for making me feel so much better. 🙂

And just today he told me about a music festival that he wants us to play in next year. As it’s a festival that goes for 3-4 days in the country, apparently there isn’t much accommodation and XXX is like, “we’ll have to sleep in the same tent lol” . HAHA. XXX do you really want us to SLEEP TOGETHER AGAIN????????????????????????????? So anyhow, that would be very fun and the adventure of a lifetime with such a good, caring, silly goofy best friend. :’)

Yay! Yay for XXX! He actually listened to what I said and responded! He listened! He heard me! He is so awesome. I hope everyone can agree.

As for Cutie Pie, nothing really new. I will receive his report tomorrow hopefully. I sent his mum an email a few days ago and said that Cutie Pie was quite cheeky, but the definition of cheeky that she found had very negative connotations so she was like, “I cannot believe he has behaved like this and will get him to apologise” and I was like, “no no no, i didn’t mean it in a negative way at all!” all I was trying to say was that he is a very playful boy and he just TEASES me so freaking much! But apparently Cutie Pie likes to sing rap AND he can juggle. OMG he has got hidden talents and I have got 11 months left to discover them all. I am on a mission.

So moral of the story is that I love XXX and I love Cutie Pie. Yes I love them both terribly much.

fun with friends! :)

Yesterday Cutie Pie came to mine and he stayed for a couple of hours. I picked him up at 4.30pm. As soon as he was in my car, he asked me how I was going and how my concert on Friday had gone. I was so surprised that he asked about my concert, I had no recollection of telling him about it. I hate lying so I had to tell the truth, which was I had felt much too exhausted to go there and had to cancel it. I just said I was too overwhelmed by the number of things and people I have to think about.

We had afternoon tea with my parents and younger sister when we got to my place. Cutie Pie seems really comfortable with my family. Of course, I made terrible jokes just to annoy him. After tea, we went in my room and chilled for a bit. I had to talk to him about a few Rotary-related things, but afterwards we just hung around talking for a bit. Then I got him to write on a piece of paper, things he was grateful for, and the last thing he wrote was that “I am grateful because Eliza is the greatest”. LOL. Then he said I had huge feet so I asked him not to stare at them.

At 6pm XXX was on the radio so we listened. The presenter had the most boring voice ever. XXX was there with the rest of the guitar ensemble, as well as the guitar teacher. The guitar teacher did most of the talking, but XXX spoke a bit and he also played a solo. I totally recognised his voice and I just felt so proud of him :’) Little by little his dream is coming true! I was so happy so Cutie Pie and I high fived each other.

After this we went in the living room and played a board game together. We were sitting face to face and … I won! Then dinner was served. We sat side by side, it was a very animated dinner as we were 8 altogether so there was a lot of talking and laughing.

Following dinner I played a bit of harp, then my dad sung a song, then I sung a song, then we ended up singing altogether. So I knew that Cutie Pie likes to sing and that he is in a choir in his home country, and that he has just joined the choir at his new school but holy crap, he has got such a SWEET and BEAUTIFUL voice!!! I was actually so pleasantly surprised. And I was so happy that he didn’t feel totally uncomfortable and actually sung with the rest of my family. But it was a really great moment, everyone was completely involved. Music has amazing uniting powers. 🙂

Then, we played the card game Tarot. As we were more than 5, Cutie Pie and I formed a team. We played for about an hour and for the last round, Cutie Pie and I won!!! YAY!!!! I was so proud of him but it was definitely a team effort 😉 YAY I am so happy that we get on so well together!

He is actually so adorable and sort of good looking but I am trying not to think too much about it. It doesn’t help that my mum likes him very much and keeps saying that she would have fallen in love with him if she were his age. Then I say, “me too” and then she’s like, “oh well you are only 4 years older than him, it is not much!!!” . Thanks mum, that is NOT helping.

Also you know I spend so much of my time thinking about him. Obviously as a mentor there are lots of responsibilities but nevertheless, I probably think about him a little more than I should. Then I keep on thinking he probably has lots of girls to think about at the school! Except yesterday he told me that most girls at his school put on too much make-up and are too interested into fashion and not enough in their studies.

Oh yeah of course yesterday I had to make this awful joke. My dad offered everyone some tea, and I said to Cutie Pie, “I don’t like T …. I only like U …” — of all the letters I could have picked, I chose U!!! Only realising the terrible pun after I had said it …

So that was a very fun evening. Sadly there is no Rotary meeting Tuesday night so I won’t get to see him, I think he might actually be a little disappointed and sad!

Today I saw XXX! 😀 😀 😀 My best friend!!! I woke up to a message from him suggested he comes to mine in the morning as he had “a lot” to tell me. 🙂 So he arrived at 8.40am, I was still in my pj’s. lol. I was putting make-up on as well. So I asked him what it’d been like to be in the radio studio. So he talked to me about that, then he also said that he might start to volunteer at the radio station on Sundays for that program. And his computer has just died so he might have lost some of his newer recordings 😦

I was in a bit of a rush as we had to get going for our photoshoot so he may have said other things but I wasn’t listening hard enough. So then we set off, it was a half hour drive. The photoshoot was at 10.30am and we stayed until 12 as then XXX had to get going. The photoshoot was alright, it was actually pretty tiring but I think we got a nice photo to make a concert poster with.

I drove XXX to university after this. On the way I tried to open up about how shit my week had gone. I said that I felt I thought about so many people but no one thinks of me and he said, “that’s not true”. Maybe he thinks about me?? I don’t want to think that he does because …. then I get disappointed 😦

I said XXX and I should catch up to watch a movie and he said sure, and in fact we realised that tomorrow we are supposed to rehearse, but the best thing is that there is no Rotary meeting so he can stay for longer and we can chill!!! 😀 That makes me SO happy, I have really missed and needed him. So although I don’t get to see Cutie Pie, at least I get to see XXX :’)