jumbled thoughts.

Last night, I thought of XXX before falling asleep. I was reliving this beautiful memory, remembering only so well how we had played music for four or five hours, and then we’d hung out in my room, and I had kissed him, and then he’d stayed at mine the whole night. I can even tell you the exact date this happened: it was the night of the 11th of October.

When I realised this memory happened over six months ago, I became filled with sadness. I thought I was doing an average job of getting over him but it seems I am not. 😦 Maybe I am simply losing patience with myself. I just feel so lonely … if only someone cared for me and did something about it! I am tired of people saying they care, but they do such a bad job of showing it.

I am not angry at XXX. Not only did we sort of have a fight the other week, but I said that in order for me to get over him, I needed more space between us. He’s taken this so literally that he isn’t speaking to me very much. I miss him!! I understand why he is acting as he is, and a part of me is thankful but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him anyway, and now I feel lonelier than ever without the chats we used to have almost daily 😦

I thought with YYY coming in my life, things would start changing, but he hasn’t done very much, nothing at all in fact. He doesn’t seem very interested in getting to know me better. I had sent him a pretty depressing text the other week but he didn’t seem to actually realise how much I need someone … maybe he just can’t really bothered because he’s already got too much on his plate. Whatever the reason is, I’m just sad that there hasn’t been more between YYY and me. Maybe I’m simply impatient, but how can I not be, when I feel so lonely? 😦

I remember how quickly XXX and I became close friends. Maybe two or three weeks after we met, we agreed to catch up one afternoon and tell each other all our problems. In the space of that one afternoon, we went from being acquaintances to intimate friends. How lovely that is. But of course I had to stupidly fall in love with him 😦 I wish I could have the same friendship with YYY, but I guess it’s not meant to be, or maybe just not yet. I don’t know.

The other day when I was talking to XXX, he said how last year, when he was going through all this crazy stuff and his depression, it was really only me and his other friend who had been there for him, and whom he had trusted. It sort of made me happy to hear it. If only he could be here for me now … but then I am not exactly sure what it is I want from him. Of course to hang out, but also his shoulder to cry on; and I should also love a kiss, but that is so terribly out of bounds.

I’m in a bit of a mess at the moment. I’m listening to the soundtrack of the movie “Once”, in tears, out of patience with everyone and everything. I feel I need to go on some holiday. What is funny is that a year and a day ago from today, I posted a song from the soundtrack onto my blog. lol. So it’s like, a year later I am still listening to the same music. Obviously that is because it is good music.

I am shocked at how quickly time passes. On the 23rd it will be the one year anniversary since XXX spent his first night at my house. That’s another memory I remember so vividly, as if it had happened only yesterday. I am even considering inviting him on that date this year, so we can watch the movie Up (which we had watched last year). lol. I am so crazy it makes me sad 😦

Maybe I can ask XXX to catch up this Sunday, or maybe even tomorrow. I could do with his friendship. I am so tired from everything …………… from the way I feel, to the people I care for, to the activities I do, to the projects I am trying to get off the ground, to being used by my sister, and to keep my cool every damn second of the day, and to have no one to turn to at the end of the day to tell them, “well I look fine but I’ve had a shit day”. 😦


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