I don’t know what is wrong with me but I am so exhausted. It seems I can’t get to sleep at night on Wednesdays (it happened last week and this week). I had so many thoughts to think about that I stayed awake for a long time. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, too, and I was off thinking for a while … the thing that worries me is that I was actually thinking about Cutie Pie most of the time. The things I will have to talk to him about next time I see him, and how I will encourage him to run his own little project for the community, and all these other exciting things to do with him and Rotary in general. The exchange committee here gives one award a year to a good inbound student so I really hope Cutie Pie wins it, as it will provide him $1 000 for him to come back to Australia! 🙂
In fact I was totally thinking about how sad I will be when he leaves Australia and goes back home. 😦 We are already good friends and it hasn’t even been a complete month since he has arrived. I will miss him so much! Maybe one day I can go to Switzerland and visit him and meet his family. His parents definitely said I was welcome to visit and they would host me, too!
I usually wake up around 8.15am in the mornings so you could have guessed my bewilderment when I realised it was 9.45am when I woke up this morning! Had I really slept for that long?!!! It barely felt like it, as I woke up exhausted and wanting to sleep even more. I had a student coming at 10am so I just had time to find some music books and get dressed.
I gave an hour lesson which went really, really quickly, it was actually fun! After this I practiced harp a bit before having lunch. Then, I went to the care home to do my volunteering. However, the lady who usually works there and who I help, wasn’t in today. It sort of annoyed me that no one had gotten in touch with me to tell me there was no point in me coming. I’m happy to give up my time but I need to be kept in the loop! Luckily the place is only 10mins away from home but still. That’s not how you treat a volunteer. 😦
Got home feeling tired and bummed out, but I had to get going to the shops to do groceries with Mum. Usually we go down to the store down the road so that it’s nice and quick, however today my Mum wanted to try the new Aldi, which is a bit further. I was really in no mood to go there, so I told her, but she was like, “oh come on, we can go there only this one time to see how it is”. What could I say? I decided to be nice and off we went.
We weren’t sure where exactly in the huge shopping centre the Aldi store was. We went into the multi-deck parking and it took us ages to find a spot. That annoyed me. Then we realised we were at the wrong end of the shopping centre, so we had to walk through all of it. That annoyed me, too. My dad had prepared a list of ingredients and things to buy but as we were in a different store today, my mum took her time looking at the different foods they offer. That annoyed me too. I hate shopping and whenever I go in shops I just want to get out of them as soon as I possibly can. I was so annoyed but kept my mouth shut.
Finally all our shopping was done and we went back to the car. There, my mum hopped in after giving me an apology that the shopping bags were too heavy for her to lift so she couldn’t help me put them in the boot. That didn’t annoy me, because I know she has Parkinson’s disease and her arm is weak and sore. I just felt sad and so lonely.
Went back home and I thought I’d have a nap as I felt so tired. But it’s impossible for me to sleep during the day. I rested on my bed for two seconds before my mind thought about Cutie Pie, and I wrote down some notes in my notebook. Restless, I got up and played music for a while. After this we had tea, and then I went in my room, put some music on, and got my “Book of Sadness” out. I started to write in it, when Cutie Pie sent through his weekly report.
As a joke, I requested that he writes about my cookies. In his email he wrote that he had written about the cookies so everything is great. It actually warmed my heart so much that I got teary, and in fact I just started crying, and I couldn’t tell you if it’s because I was so sad, or so happy that Cutie Pie had done something for me. I read his report, in which he described all that he had been up to since his last report. It was filled with so many positive and fun experiences that I just felt so happy for him, genuinely. So he said that he’d gone to the aquarium and that, “the climax were the selfmade cookies offered by Eliza”. LOL. That made me laugh and cry at the same time. :’) His English is so good but sometimes he says something in a weird way which makes it so adorable and funny.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that he is alive. His existence gives me some work (as in, I have to organise different things for him, and there are so many things to think about) – none of which actually FEELS like work – and I don’t know. I am just so happy he exists. I don’t have to justify it do I? He is my little sweetheart. It’s funny but I never thought I’d care for someone this much so soon after meeting them. I think that’s the sort of person I am turning into.
I sort of know why I am sad, if you are curious. I think I may be a little overwhelmed with all the commitments I have. It’s not like I have uni-work-home life. I have so many different projects all going on at the same time, and each is so different, and I have to keep track of all of them. Rotary alone is loads of work, but then I have got my work as a tutor, planning the concert, keeping track of all the weddings I have coming up and making sure I learn the right music on time, plus any other performances I have as a musician …
And then it’s not just my volunteering and career but it’s people. I love people and I care for them! And I have to keep a list in my head of all the people I love and care for and wish to hear from in my life. My godmother, I should send her an email. Then my dad’s uncle and his wife (two of the loveliest person I have ever met); my three best friends; my harp student/friend; XXX; Cutie Pie; my mum; my dad; my sisters; YYY (he never texted me back 😦 ); my piano teacher whom I love dearly and likes me to visit … literally the list grows. People are on my mind all the time. I want to catch up with them and see where they’re heading, and how they’re all going!
I feel sad because I feel — I give so much and … I just … don’t always feel I get anything. It’s sort of draining, almost. Or am I blind/stupid/ungrateful? I am scared that I am and I would hate it if I were 😦 But looking at today I did pretty much everything on my own. I don’t even know what I want exactly. I just feel tired from being so thoughtful of others and for giving so much of myself for them. I wish I was a person of unconditional love but there you go, I am not. Maybe unconditional love doesn’t even exist! As if we could keep on giving without asking for anything in return!!! Or am I a selfish person??!!
Why is it that I’m the one texting YYY “hope you had a good week-end”! For no reason at all apart that he crossed my mind and that I hoped he’d had a good week-end! Why is it that I have to wish XXX and good day and he doesn’t even say anything back? Why am I always the one reaching out to people? Do I not cross anyone’s mind AT ALL?
Perhaps not 😥