so i had a very rough night. last night i just couldn’t get to sleep at all. i was exhausted and hopped into bed at 10.30pm and waited patiently for sleep to come, but it didn’t. i opened my laptop and i was 10 minutes to 1am. so i watched videos on YouTube until about 2.20am. i watched videos about the UN and Malala, you know, that girl from Pakistan who received the Nobel price for Peace. She looks like such a humble, down to earth young lady.
i woke up in a pretty bad mood from the lack of sleep, proceeded to have breakfast which tasted gross. meanwhile, my younger sister took the rabbit from its cage to put it in the garden. she obviously decided to wear my black flats. because hey, why not wear her own shoes!!! she does that ALL the time. just takes my shoes. and i tell her i don’t like it, i don’t like that she takes my stuff but you know what, she DOESN’T GIVE A F*CK. she knows i can’t stand up to her and that i am a non-violent person and that i will not fight her so she keeps doing it. it drives me absolutely NUTS. now this morning was worse than usual because guess what, the rabbit has been digging holes in the grass, and what did my sister do? She put my shoes in the dirt and tried to spread the dirt evenly into the holes the rabbit had dug. Like what the hell!!!! Don’t do this to my stuff! So I complained to mum, who started telling off my sister. my sister came back inside the house, i said to her she should wear her own shoes, and she’s like, “oh well what is the difference, it is only to go outside anyway”. how can i have any love for this selfish, disrespectful person? i CANNOT tolerate disrespect!!!
So she took my shoes off once she was inside, at the same time muttering under her breath that I was a bitch (oh yes). i felt miserable but decided not to let it affect me. i did a really good total body work-out this morning which lifted my mood and i was proud of myself for doing something good for me and my body. after lunch i went into my room and left the door open. guess what happened. my little sister came in the room next door, holding the rabbit, and WEARING MY SHOES. omg. what the HECK can i do? people tell me, “oh just have a talk to her and tell her how you feel”. people don’t get that MY SISTER DOES NOT CARE. MY SISTER WILL NOT CHANGE. MY SISTER DISRESPECTS THOSE WHO LOVE HER THE MOST BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WE WILL ALWAYS FORGIVE HER. she manipulates her. it’s called BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND I AM SICK OF IT AND HER.
so again i tried to stand up for myself. i told her to take my shoes off. and she was standing right in front of me (i was sitting at my desk), looked straight into my eyes, and did not move. did not remove my shoes. just stood there with that look on her face saying, “oh yeah, and what are you gonna do if i don’t take them off? oh, i know, you’re gonna do nothing, so why would i care to take them off”. I felt so FURIOUS. i felt so POWERLESS. so WEAK. so i started yelling at her (well, as loud as i could manage, for i really never yell). then she just walked away and i don’t think she even took my shoes off.
does this just sound like a typical exchange between sisters? may i point out i am 21 and she is 18 years old. she is not a stupid little girl anymore. she is the least respectful person i know and it fucking kills me. when she moved her make-up to the bathroom near my room she clearly told me, “don’t ever use my make-up”. and yet she feels completely fine to wear my shoes out in the garden and into the dirt, without my permission!!! no, that is fine to use other people’s property. there is nothing wrong with it. you see, i have to put up with that. there has never been a single apology from her. NEVER. she always thinks she is the queen, that she is entitled to everything, that she is never ever in the wrong. often i feel like she treats me as a slave. because you know what, on top of her taking my things (and often not putting them back) i have to do things for her. “oh Eliza, can you get me sushi?” Eliza, can you take me to the train station?” “can you drive me to my friends’ party”… Eliza do this, Eliza do that … because i am sick … because whatever…. but i will not do anything for you in return. oh no, i deserve to be given things and to have things my way but never mind the fact that i can do things for other people!!!
what can i do. she clearly does not give a fuck that she makes me mad. she’s not going to change her ways. she does not care. she clearly does not care otherwise she would have changed already. please do not tell me to talk to her about it. talking does absolutely NOTHING. trust me this has been going on for years and it’s not like we have not tried talking to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish she could move out of the house. she makes everything tired and stressed and angry. i wish i didn’t live at home anymore. maybe i should get started with part-time or full-time work and just move away because i just cannot cope with her anymore. she makes me MAD. and no one gets it apart from mum and dad because they are victims too.