“let’s not think of this”

^my current thought.

In my last post, I wrote a lot about XXX, including some of our memories. Yay. Happiness. How amazing to have a friend.

NO. HOW AMAZING IT IS NOT.

But I don’t want to cry again over this.

I caught up with him today. He needed me to teach him how to pronounce a French phrase that he has to say out loud on radio today (he is guest presenting for the show he performed in last week). So I went there after lunch. XXX suggested we go for a walk so I agreed. As I walked behind him through the front door I felt like “jumping” on him and wrapping my arms around his neck, I felt so happy to be with him again, and just so excited to go for a walk with him! But obviously I didn’t do any of that. After two seconds outside we noticed the sky was threatening so we went back to get an umbrella. We walked for five minutes nice and close to each other under the big umbrella (how symbolic) and then it started to rain so we headed back home.

While outside I had the thought that it would be really nice to have a cuppa back inside, and I was sort of surprised that as soon as we were home, XXX went into the kitchen to boil some water. So he made me a cup of tea, while I played around on the keyboard. Then we spent a bit of time playing and listening to music. It was very fun! Then I tried teaching him the French and we just ended up laughing and imagining what he’ll sound like tonight on radio. I hope he doesn’t end up laughing on air LOL. I know he won’t …

Then we watched videos on YouTube of guitar music. His Facebook was open and I saw that he had a conversation open with that girl who had posted a photo last month saying “celebrating XXX and I’s six months” and in the conversation I saw a kissing emoji (all this in the glimpse of an eye as XXX quickly closed FB altogether). I wished I hadn’t seen it, my heart felt a little big pang of jealousy, and immense curiosity. Who the HECK is she and why hasn’t he told me a single thing about her???!!!

I didn’t say anything, and pretended not to have any questions. I tried to enjoy my time with him, and really I was. Then his dad returned home and XXX said they had to go shopping (my cue to leave which I totally understood, lol). He walked me to the door. And I couldn’t help myself. I asked, “who is she?”

XXX sighed and looked up at the sky and he seemed a bit lost for words.

“It’s complicated.”

THAT’S all you’re gonna say? “Complicated” ??? Ok I realise my question had come out of the blue and he probably thought he didn’t have enough time to explain everything. Really I think he said, “it’s complicated”, because he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Not just yet.

Now that he knows I know about her (thanks a lot Facebook!) I know eventually he’ll do the right thing and tell me. I might just have to be patient for a few days/weeks. And if he never ends up explaining anything to me, I’ll just have to ask him again. I see no shame in asking.

I really just hope he hasn’t been hiding me something like he is in a relationship with her. He used to tell me he ENJOYS being single!!!! But why would he hide anything from me in the first place???!! And what about the time when I had asked him to tell me if he’d ever meet anyone and he’d said yes?! He’ll probably come up with a stupid saying like he was hiding it so that I don’t get hurt. Bullshitttttt. As if I would not find out in the end. I really hope it’s nothing like what I’m imagining.

And how complicated can it be? Either he is dating her, either he isn’t!!!! Has he slept with her?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? lol

It was a bit of bitter way to say good-bye to XXX I have to admit. I didn’t push it. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows, waited a few seconds, see if he’d start explaining, but it became clear to me he wasn’t, at least not now, so I wished him a good week-end and good luck for the show, I hugged him, and I rushed to my car.

I keep thinking how XXX is so good for my soul, and so unhealthy for my heart. It’s like a huge tug of war inside me all the time. When I am with him I feel so comfortable and safe and relaxed and I think, “this is exactly why I am friends with him”; and then I feel so bummed and heartbroken and I think, “this is exactly why I want to end everything with him and never see him again”.

I feel like I know XXX really well and at the same time I don’t know a thing about him. I know his character and his life at uni and home. But there’s a whole side of him I don’t know. I’ve never ever met any of his friends and I don’t know what he is like in environments that I haven’t seen him in. Is he a different person? Does he have integrity or doesn’t he? In a way I feel he has been hiding this side of him from me …..

I really hope he tells me a bit about her. I feel like it is something I don’t want to hear, but have the right to know. I really have been so devoted to XXX and even though I understand he doesn’t want to love me, it doesn’t mean I don’t hope for it. The least he can do out of respect for me is putting me out of my misery and telling me.

Meh, love is so stupidly gay.

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