Cutie Pies are cute.

And cool.

Rotary meeting this evening! I was in a bit of a weird mood from a weird boring day, but by the end of the night I felt so much better. Bless this child!!!! ❤

He sat next to me during the meeting yay and punched my arm in a friendly way.

The best thing about Rotary meetings though is what happens AFTER the meetings. lol. The past three weeks we have been going to the beach for a nightly walk. Tonight it was just freezing with rain and wind so there was no way I was going to take him outside. I was sad that maybe I would have to take him home early. So I thought of what to do. Coincidentally, he hadn’t had any dinner before the meeting so I suggested we go out to dinner somewhere. Except I realized I hadn’t taken my wallet with me – NOOOO … But Cutie Pie was here to save the day!!! He had his 😀 Actually before that I suggested he comes to mine but he said he didn’t feel comfortable as it was without any notice. Then he added, “but I can come on Sunday, as long as your family knows. Do you know why? Because I LIKE it.” :)))))

So I drove to this restaurant I’d never been to but that one of my friends recommended. We were the only customers which was great in a way as it meant it wasn’t difficult to actually hear what Cutie Pie said. I ordered a vegetarian curry and he got a chilli corn carne. We talked about a variety of things and he was funny and nice and I again had to think that he is really quite a handsome young man. If I were his age I would definitely have a major crush on him. Do I have a crush on him right now? I don’t know … lol.

He said I was the best mentor but then did a laugh 😛 He is very cheeky! Also it is really cool because the Rotary club has suggested we go to a basketball game together as our club got 2 free tickets!! Yay!! But it clashes with rehearsals with XXX…. DILEMMA.

Speaking of XXX, we were supposed to have a rehearsal this afternoon but he asked to move it tomorrow morning, so I have something to look forward to now! 🙂

Today I am grateful for Cutie Pie as he has made me smile and he has paid for my dinner and he has said nice things about me and my family.

lurve is in the air somewhat.

i just spent – 7 – yes SEVEN hours – with my best friend XXX …. can you guess what I am about to say? It was a hell lot of FUN and LOVELY and NICE and BEAUTIFUL and yes, I am still 100% in love with him – I don’t know, I just love him.

We laughed a fait bit on the way to the radio station, but we also talked about interesting things, like why do some cultures find it ok for men to have multiple wives …

We got to the radio station and went in the empty studio, then I let XXX work out what he had to do. He tested the mic and it seemed to record just fine, but when it came to playing anything back, nothing sounded out of the speakers. I sat quietly and waited for him to work it out by himself, but after 30mins I decided to see if perhaps I could do something. I flicked through his course guide and I found a page that seemed to relate to what we were trying to do. It was a step by step guide so I asked XXX if he’d followed the steps, and it turned out he hadn’t. So we tried again and TADAM – IT WORKED!! Then XXX is like, “we make such a good team!” and I looked at him and said, “well, it was mostly me”. LOL. (We like to tease each other a lot, always trying to prove who is the better one out of us two 😉 )

But at 5pm we had to change studio and so finally for the remainder of the time we recorded him interviewing me. First he tested my mic, and he asked me to say a paragraph in French, so I did. Listening back to it he commented that anything I say in French sounds “hot”. lol. Oh and then there was this man that came in to take the previous studio and XXX said he was here to interview “this amazing harpist” …. okay dude, I appreciate your compliments …. (actually I REALLY really do, lol).

So we attempted being normal during the interview but really I felt so nervous and awkward at the beginning. But eventually I didn’t feel so nervous. And BTW I don’t even know why I felt nervous, considering a) I was only talking to XXX and b) the interview wasn’t even on air …. but we gave it a few shots and whenever we listened back to our takes it would just be hilarious and we’d have a good laugh. 🙂

At 6.30pm we left the studio and headed to my home. I had to drive my sister to her friend’s place so XXX came with me. Then we had dinner with my parents, and I was sitting by XXX’s side. It was just soooooo nice that he was having dinner at my house again. It sort of just felt like las year again. Oh, the good memories. :’) I tried not to look too much at him. It was good enough just listening.

After dinner we decided to watch a movie, but we didn’t know which one. So we searched one on Netflix. After spending like 20mins just looking through all the movies we could watch, we settled on a documentary about primates. I’m not sure why, I think it just sounded interesting to the both of us. So we watched that documentary, making comments every now and again about the monkeys’ appearance or behaviour, and laughing of course.

No, we didn’t sit next to each other, I didn’t snuggle up to him, and we didn’t hold each other’s hands …

But I’m ok with that.

Something tells me that he has feelings for me anyway. That I am important to him. He might really love me actually, but prefers things as they currently are.

Edit the following morning:

My cat woke me up at 2:20am and I spent like an hour thinking about XXX. Then he obviously had to pop up in my dream. And ever since I got up he has been on my mind. I love him very very much I think :’) If we are bound to be more than friends I know it will happen at the right time. So let’s not force anything, nor rush anything, and simply enjoy the present moment ….. ♥

clap along if you’re happpyyyyyy

So this is one of the songs I have to play for one of the weddings on Sunday. I spent like 2h this afternoon playing it – once you start it is hard to stop! 😛
Then right in the middle of practice, I got a phone call from this guy who has asked me if I could play harp for his wedding. The thing is that as he is a nudist, he is having a nudist wedding, and would like me to play naked!!! When he asked me I struggled so hard not to laugh!!! So I don’t know what I’m going to do! I told him I’ll think about it. I’ve already done a bit of thinking. If everyone is naked, what could be so bad about me being naked too? Plus, it could be a really interesting experience. Maybe I can give it go!

This evening I spent a bit of time reading letters I wrote XXX ages ago (some are nearly a year old) – all about the same thing, namely how much I like him and how much I love our friendship … actually many of them had to do with how much I like sleeping with him lol. It made me think back to those months and how close I felt to XXX. At the same time, I feel XXX and I are still BFF’s to some extent.

Tomorrow is what HAPPY is all about. The plan is that XXX and I go to the radio station to record the interview, and have a rehearsal for our shows. I asked XXX whether we should have a rehearsal before, or after the interview. And I also felt like asking him if he’d like to stay and watch a movie (“netflix and relax” in our friend-zone language). WELL – hear this, people. XXX said we should have a rehearsal after, AND he suggested we chill and watch a movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL I told you our thoughts are too much alike. So you cannot believe how surprised I was when I saw his message. I literally had been about to ask him the same thing!!!! I am over the moon (lol). YAY. Maybe he has missed watching movies with me, too!!! AH I am just so surprised, especially by the timing of it all.
It’s getting almost a tad crazy how often one of us says something the other person was thinking about. Ok maybe I am slightly over exaggerating. OH I cannot tell you how happy it makes me. lol. I am so pathetic 😛 But actually I think that the distance we’ve had between us recently might not have been so bad for us as friends. It made him realise how much he likes me I think, lol. I’m really just rambling and not even making any sense here. Apologies! This is what my heart is like when it gets hit by a burst of sudden sunshine!
OHHHH and what if we sit next to each other nice and close like before, and I take his hand and he takes mine? THE POSSIBILITIES!!! But then he might purposely sit further from me to make sure nothing happens. Oh but I am sure he must still want me because I still want him …. It would be so special to sleep with him again, it would certainly make me so happy, and actually I don’t think I would even believe it.
But let’s calm down for a second. The chance that he’ll stay the night over is so slim. I would say less than 1%. lol. Still – I was just dreaming ok, give me a break!! 😛

weddings and music

I am not really looking forward to Sunday … I have TWO weddings in the afternoon! So it’s going to be very tiring. To make things worse the second venue is a 45min drive. Meh.
I got these two gigs through a business I’m an employee of. The business owner has just emailed me all the music requests on Tuesday! i.e. like 5 days before the gigs. Some of these songs I’ve never listened to. So now I have to try to learn them all … and I mostly learn pop songs by ear so you can guess how long it is taking me. Actually I am very good recognising chord progressions but then figuring out the melody takes me ages. And then I have to keep everything in my head as I really do not want to spend any time writing anything down …
I swear the only music I listen to, apart from my three favourite bands/artists (Keane, Marketa Irglova and the Once playlist), is mostly cheesy romantic music that people like to have for their weddings. Today I learnt Marry You by Bruno Mars and also Just the Way You are by the same artist. Yay so cheesy. What else – Lana Del Rey “Young & Beautiful”, Sam Smith “Stay With Me”, and Eric Clapton’s song “Wonderful Tonight” …
So it’s been an interesting day. I sort of like playing harp for weddings because I like to see people getting married! Yay for love!! But then I’m learning all these cheesy romantic songs and I wish someone would say the things that are said in the lyrics! Or felt the feelings expressed in the lyrics!! That someone was in love with me!!

What about Clapton’s song. Isn’t it so funny that he has to talk about a girl with long blond hair! i.e. ME thank you very much (lol). Ok, XXX and I hadn’t really gone to a party but we went to a concert and maybe he thought I looked wonderful that night, and maybe he felt wonderful too! What if XXX is in love with me??? I can’t believe I’m still even wondering that, wouldn’t he have told me by now? lol. I guess not. Actually I have a friend who told me one of her friend is finally getting married to a guy she had been best friends with for 8 years!!! She just had never wanted to date him until recently. Relationships are just weird.

I showed XXX the photo from our photoshoot last month which we will use to design our poster for our concert. He said I looked stunning!! Yay! Thanks darl’.

Also – I have FINALLY finished my cross-stitch!!! I even learnt how to do a French knot, I feel so proud 😉 It was supposed to go to XXX but I am now undecided. Maybe that particular one could go to Cutie Pie and the other cross-stitch I am going to make can go to XXX? I’ll have to toss a coin … I have the feeling XXX would appreciate colourful birds more than Cutie Pie would. Hm …

Speaking of Cutie Pie, he did not send in his report today but surprise, he actually messaged me to let me know (and I didn’t expect him to). Yay! lol I feel so pathetic feeling happy about getting a message from someone these days. lol. No but anyway did I even tell the story of how him and I sort of came close-ish to kissing? After the meeting I picked up some rubbish that was lying around on the floor to put it in the bin. Cutie Pie followed behind me. I dropped the rubbish and turned around. It was in this very quiet little alley, it was almost a little creepy, and there were two yellow bins that said “Experimental waste” or something like that. Cutie Pie looked at those yellow bins and squinted his eyes to make out the text, and then he looked at me, so I looked back at him, mimicking his face, and then we kept walking towards each other making that stupid face but then I think we came quite close and I probably thought that I could have kissed him, then I must have looked away. Otherwise there is no way I would even care to remember this particular moment.

Oh yeah, and today I’m just thinking about Love. What if love isn’t what we expect? As in, what if love isn’t actually like how it is portrayed in some movies? What if love didn’t actually make you crazy or didn’t give you butterflies or didn’t make you lose sleep or make you stop eating or whatever? What if THAT was love? What if love was instead, something that grounded you, something that empowered you, something that didn’t make you feel neither nervous nor completely over the moon. Something that just felt NORMAL and yet in it a tinge of mysterious knowing that the bond is something truly special??????

BTW that description (the last one) above totally was NOT inspired by XXX. lol not.

boys

Today I got to see my two favourite boys in the entire world!!! XXX and Cutie Pie! 😀 So obviously it has been a good day!!

Oh hang on, before I write about them, I just wanted to say that XXX chatted to me on Facebook yesterday and it was SO NICE because he actually asked me how I was going. And he sent me a very kind and caring message and I think my eyes got a tad teary. :’)

So we agreed to have a rehearsal this afternoon and he came this afternoon at 4.15pm. He can finally drive again after 3 months!!! YIPEE!! I had just made a pot of tea so I asked him if he wanted any and he totally wanted some! Before rehearsing he showed me a song by Radiohead and asked me to help him work out the chord. Except he found most of them himself, so I was just writing them down on manuscript paper. Teamwork right there 😉 Once that was done, we were ready to rehearse but XXX suggested we go for a walk instead. Considering I had not gone out of the house the whole day, and considering a “walk” in XXX and I’s language usually means “deep and meaningful conversation” I said sure! 😀

So off we went for a walk around my suburb. We couldn’t go too far as I only had an hour, really. While walking, I asked him to tell me about his guitar tour and he was like, “I was JUST thinking about that – how weird …” lol. Yup, our thoughts are always in sync 🙂 So we walked and talked, and I said very bad and dirty jokes which made him laugh a bit, I have the feeling it also made me realise how much he had missed me!

We went quickly to the golf course and it was so nice, and I was just so happy to be with him, and to have someone to be myself around. How important that is! I also tried to say more about how I had been feeling recently. But really the main thing that made me feel down was my loneliness, so obviously when I am around someone, that pain pretty much stops existing.

YAY also XXX just sent me a FB message to tell me it is so nice catching up with me :’) He is currently doing this course for the radio and one of his assignment is to interview someone, and he wants to interview me!! *Of course*. So this will happen Saturday! He has booked the studio already!! And we’ve also agreed to have two rehearsals per week rather than one as we have five gigs until the end of the year so we really need to learn quite a bit of music! So my Saturday is looking truly exciting!

It is such a relief having XXX’s friendship. I love it! :’) And we have been friends for a year and two months. My longest friendship with a guy EVER. lol. It is so nice knowing we always connect so really well no matter how much time has passed. I just wish we saw each other more because he is such a good friend to be around … thank goodness we have all these gigs and musical plans for the future which is sure to keep bringing us together, and achieving things together! 🙂

So then once XXX had gone (after giving me a nice hug – his arms were around my waist and I put mine around his neck!!), I went off to pick up cheeky tall Cutie Pie. We went to the meeting and nothing really exciting happened tonight as we didn’t sit next to each other. Actually at this point someone suggested we go to this particular restaurant before, and I looked at Cutie Pie and he looked at me, because I totally knew he didn’t really like that restaurant because of its smell. 😉

After the meeting I asked him what he’d like to do (i.e. beach or straight home). He said he didn’t really care, so I said I’d decide for him, so obviously I took him to the beach, but a different one. We walked on the cold sand, and then saw a little wooden shack and decided to go in it, except we saw there already was someone! We got pretty scared so made our way back to the car.

I didn’t feel like taking him home (it was too early!!) so I drove to a carpark, and stopped the car, and we stayed in the car and talked. I didn’t talk very much because I like listening. Sometimes he’d start saying something, and stop, and I wouldn’t really say anything, rather my silence was inviting him to say more, and I think he got that, so he just kept talking. And I just sat there in my car staring at him thinking I was a lucky person for getting to know him 🙂

I took him home at 9pm, and gave him a little letter I had written. So hopefully he liked it, although it was a bit of a sad one. But it had a happy ending!

So that’s what my day has been like. I love XXX and I love Cutie Pie. Both immensely. And for different reasons. 🙂

cute

I went to pick up Cutie Pie this afternoon for 3pm. I was feeling so tired I asked him to do the talking, asking him how his camp had gone and what sort of things he had done. I also asked him if he’d like to come to my house for a while, and as he didn’t really say neither yes nor no, I made him toss a coin, so it was decided he’d come over. Yay, that is actually what I wanted because I wanted him to see my puzzle, which I finished yesterday.

So we got to my house, I showed him the puzzle, and then we played a game of chess. I am still learning so he would advise me what to do. After chess we sat on the couch and talked for a bit, at one point he stared at me in that intently stare he sometimes looks at me with, and I said, “I hate it when you look at me like that” and I am fairly sure I blushed so much.

Then we had tea with my family and after that we played cards. It was quite fun.

The radio was playing music in the background and Cutie Pie recognised a song and starting singing along to it. The lyrics were something like, “you can lean on me” – something to do with leaning on – and he was singing that looking right into my eyes and it all felt so bittersweet to me. As some of you know, the past month I have felt so lonely with the need to LEAN on someone and to feel someone by my side. How weird it was that Cutie Pie would know that song and sing it in front of me. He probably had no idea how I had needed to hear someone say this to me, but at the same time he probably didn’t mean what he was singing. 😦

I dropped him off home after this even though he said he’d love to stay longer. Apparently he has a biology topic test and assignment to do so he couldn’t really stay. But he is on holidays next week so I will try to see him lots! 😀

I really want to tell him more important stuff including more about my feelings, including how grateful I am that he has come into my life to give me such happy company. 🙂 I will try to tell him on Tuesday when we go to the beach following the meeting.

It was funny because while we were playing chess, my younger sister was getting ready to go out for dinner. She kept complaining out loud that she had nothing to wear, and Cutie Pie would roll his eyes. lol. I think he doesn’t really like girls who care so much about their looks. My sister would also come out of her room and ask for our opinions of her outfit. Cutie Pie would just say whatever and she believed he was actually being honest! Then I looked at him and was like, “you didn’t even mean that, did you??” and he looked at me and shook his head …

Cutie Pie is cute. 🙂

unstructured rambling about being confused when it comes to love.

Well, my life is so boring these days! I spent the past hour looking at YouTube videos of Angelina Jolie. Her humanitarian work is pretty much the sort of work I want to do with my life. Angelina Jolie is such an inspirational person and I would love to meet her one day. She is my role model, I have decided. If you just watch one of her speeches you’ll understand why (I watched one and I got tears in my eyes! It was so moving and powerful).

XXX is back from his tour and he hasn’t contacted me at all. I see how much I cross his mind! I asked him if we could see each other this week-end but he is busy. Busy? Oh yes ALWAYS busy. What sort of damn lame stupid excuse that is. I am so sick of hearing this word. I must be really high on his list of priorities! I’m now wondering if he even deserves my cross-stitch which I’ve spent over 20hours working on out of pure love and gratitude for him. Maybe I can give the cross-stitch to someone more worthy of it.

We have about four gigs before the beginning of next year but I don’t even feel very excited about any of them anymore. I don’t know. I’m probably just tired, but I feel so let down by him. I guess it isn’t such a terrible thing because hopefully that will allow me to move on. Clearly he has made no effort to keep in touch with me recently, I really mustn’t be that important to him.

Sometimes I am afraid of losing him but at the same time will I lose much? It is so hard to say. I feel he is taking me for granted because he knows I’ll always stick around, because he wants me to. If I start complaining about something he’ll listen and say everything’s fine and he’ll make time for me, but why does he always have to make time for me when the situation gets bad? The rest of the time we are so separate. We used to spend a lot of time together last year just to be together and not be lonely … Then I’m afraid that I am too demanding. What if the things I ask of him belong more to the relationship category than the friendship one? What if I’m asking for love without even realising and that’s why he isn’t being as responsive?

Everyone says – well, my PARENTS & sister say – that he isn’t the right guy for me etc etc, so why is it I can’t get over him? Do I actually have to completely break off the friendship to stop having any feelings for him? Do I even have any feelings for him anymore or do I just BELIEVE that I have? (I.e. is it all psychological, in my head?). Would my brain do something so stupid as believe in nothing real? For no good reason at all?

I told XXX I had a feeling there was a lot I wanted to tell him but I don’t even feel like talking to him anymore. I say I miss speaking to him and he doesn’t say it back. Ok then, he doesn’t miss it? And I can’t believe that I dropped off TWO birthday cards for his birthday and he hasn’t even thanked me for them! Didn’t he get them???!!!

I don’t know how I feel about him anymore. Disappointed, confused, mad, annoyed. Sad. Frightened. Yeah whatever feeling exists, I probably feel it. I’m dying to see him and at the same time it is the last thing I want to do.

Thank goodness there is Cutie Pie. Like with XXX, I have no idea what my feelings are for him. I think I have sort of a crush on him because he is just so good-looking and adorable. But I don’t know. I am picking him up from camp tomorrow so that should be plenty of fun, I am looking forward to seeing him. He’ll probably tell me I look tired. And he’ll make fun of me. I really think I could kiss him because a part of me actually is attracted to him, as I have written many times in other posts … so the situation is all pretty weird.

I think I just fall in love with anyone and everyone. My philosophy in life is to love everyone so I guess it is not surprising. Show me a human and I will think they are good, amazing, unique, fascinating. Strangers fascinate me and I wish I could meet and know everyone. I love people because they are people. It’s really as simple as that. Now then I love people even more when I get on well with that. So it doesn’t help that I get on really well with both XXX and Cutie Pie.

So this rambling was so unstructured and all over the place, lol. But basically, the points were that I’m getting sick of the situation with XXX and I’m confused about Cutie Pie. But you know what, I know exactly what is going to happen. XXX and I are going to have a nice long chat, we’ll be very open about our feelings, we’ll make it up, we’ll decide to stay friends, and then I’ll come back on this blog, write a long post about it and say how him and I are best friends because we can be so open and honest to each other and that we always pull through the yuckier bits of friendship. Yes readers, this blog has NO suspense whatsoever, lol.

On that – I used to think that it was XXX and I who pulled through together whenever things got difficult, but I wonder if it isn’t just me?! Sometimes I feel the friendship is so one-sided. It’s really frustrating. I just – really don’t know what to make of it anymore.

Why can’t he just do something for me for once!!!!