Already! Time flies when you spend it with people you love …
Before I write about today, I wanted to tell you that sometime last week I sent a Facebook message to XXX’s guitar teacher to thank him for all he was doing with the guitar program at university. Like he’s organised for the guitar ensemble to go on a small tour, and he’s organised all these different concerts and even for the guitar ensemble to be interviewed on the radio. I felt so much gratefulness that XXX had all these opportunities, especially because he was so depressed last semester, that I felt I needed to tell his teacher that someone out there actually felt grateful for his work. So I sent him that message and he replied to me this week!!!! He thanked me for my message and said he really appreciated it. So how nice was that :’) I think people don’t express their gratefulness enough so hopefully I can inspire everyone to show thankfulness and actually express it!
Last night, right before we said good-bye, XXX and I agreed to go to this guitar concert this afternoon. So we agreed I pick him up at 2pm so that he had enough time to get a coffee before the concert at 3pm. So we got into my car and I started to drive and I asked, “so where do you want to get your coffee from?” and he’s like, “well actually, we all went to Dome so I don’t really need a coffee …” lol. So we just went to the venue of the concert but we were maybe twenty-ish minutes early. We bought our tickets and then as I was thirsty we went to the shopping centre, but I didn’t really feel like spending $5 on a bottle of water.
So we went back to the venue and XXX led me to the very front row (it was a very small concert, small audience), and the chair were nice and close, it sort of reminded me of the last guitar concert XXX and I had gone to, back in like April or something. I wanted to lean on him, or just rest again him, but I didn’t act on it. But I felt my longing so intently. However while he was talking to the people sitting on his left, I was sort of more leaning on him, but I don’t know if he noticed. It was sort of nice. To feel his arm against mine.
After the concert his other commitment was the show on the radio, but we had a bit of time to kill before he had to get there. So I suggested we go to a park. I had just parked and turned off the engine when he says, “actually, I wouldn’t mind a coffee”. LOL. Seriously, dude?! So off we went again.
We went into this busy-ish café. He asked me if I wanted anything but I said no (I’d had a free cup of tea at the concert). He got a long black and a brownie. Once he’d been served we took a seat in the back of the room on a couch. Side by side. But I didn’t dare sit as close to him as I wished. I’m dying to but I am really afraid of the consequences. He doesn’t want what I do!!! What can I do about it??? Nothing!!
I don’t know why but today I felt quite tired and didn’t really feel like talking. He made me try some of the brownie, so that was nice of him. After this I gave him a lift to the radio station. And then we said good-bye, and I watched him go into the building, and then I sat for a small while thinking about all the feelings I was feeling, and not knowing what to make of them.
Oh yeah and it totally happened today AGAIN: XXX said exactly the same thing I had been thinking. Except I can’t remember what it was. It’s like he can read my mind now!
I then made my way to Cutie Pie’s house as he’d accepted my invitation to have dinner at my house tonight. Actually in the car I sort of felt like crying, but then I cannot tell you exactly because of what. I felt so much pride of XXX for going on the radio and for him getting better after his depressive episode a few months ago. And I just felt so happy for him that he is doing all these things, and that he is even doing this gig for me and with me. And then I think just how marvellous it is to have a friend like him; how special and rare it is to have someone you can be completely yourself around. I mean, we could spend two hours together without speaking and still enjoy ourselves. I won’t find a friend like this very often, maybe even never again in this life ……. that is why XXX is so very dear to me, and so important.
So anyhow, I picked up Cutie Pie and we went to my house. Then we worked a bit on my brand new jigsaw puzzle which has 1000 pieces (I LOVE jigsaw puzzles). It didn’t seem to fascinate him very much but I asked him to help me anyway. Afterwards we started a game of chess, he tried teaching me how to play but either I was too tired, or wasn’t trying hard enough, I didn’t seem to understand very much. lol. I was making all these dumb jokes as usual which annoyed him highly, it is very entertaining for me! Haha 😛
Dinner was then served. Like a fortnight ago, there were 8 of us tonight: mum, dad, both sisters, and their boyfriend, Cutie Pie and I. OH BTW exciting news!!!!! CUTIE PIE APPARENTLY KEEPS A BLOG. So be on the look-out, people!!! The thing is, it is probably in Swiss-German. I asked him to show it to me but he said it is too private, that only his family and close friends read it, and he only started it this year for his exchange. HM. Maybe there are things about me! lol. This is what me (i.e. a hopeless romantic) automatically assumes.
During dinner, Cutie Pie and I talked to each other a fair bit. We were sitting next to each other and it was just nice. His company has a little bit of the same effect as XXX’s, in that I feel I can be myself around him without judgement. I just feel a lot more comfortable around XXX. And there are reasons for that of course …
Then we decided to play cards, but as it was 9.30pm we only really had a little over half an hour before I had to drive Cutie Pie home. Him and I made a team again but I was really too tired to follow the game carefully. But sometimes he would ask for my opinion (“which card do I play?”) and he’d lean over me, or I’d lean over him, and our arms or shoulders would touch and it would be just lovely. He even whispered in my ear this one time.
I began writing this lame clichéd poem in a notebook and I showed it to him, he then wrote a Swiss-German translation of it underneath. But then he actually began writing this totally different thing in Swiss-German and I had no idea what it said, except for my name, that he had written once. I asked him to tell me what he had written and it was basically about his evening at home, and how I had said the card game is unfunny because there are no “jokers” in it (yep, this is my level of joke).
Finally I drove him home and I couldn’t help myself, I told him he had a really nice singing voice. It looks like he is the type of person who doesn’t really know how to accept compliments, as just after I said this, he started singing completely out of tune. lol. But I still think somewhere deep inside of him he was happy and grateful I had said this. It is funny but it actually sort of frightened me to say that he had a nice voice. I wonder why. Does anyone ever feel afraid to give someone else a compliment? We are so good at throwing each other insults, but when it comes to saying nice things (things you actually MEAN though), it is like, so difficult. Yesterday I told XXX I missed him and that was excruciatingly difficult. (I had to take a deeeeeep breath before I did it).
Well anyhow the last two times I saw him I would think to myself, “why didn’t you tell him he has a nice voice when he does???” I kept putting it off but tonight I finally did it!!! 😀 Phew. The other two things I want to tell him is that 1) he has beautiful hands and 2) he has got beautiful eyes too. That sort of sounds like I have a crush on him but seriously he DOES has nice hands and his eyes, I think I have written enough about them in previous posts, lol.
I also really want to tell XXX how meaningful it is to me to have a friend like him! I think I’ve told him before but there’s no harm in saying a nice thing more than once. I just messaged him earlier tonight to tell him it’d been nice to see him again and he said it’d been nice to see me, “as always!” :’) Yay!! So it always nice to see me?!
I figure he’ll probably never tell me about that other girl I asked about last week. I brought it up once and that was scary enough, plus he was reluctant to tell me so I don’t want to pursue it any further. If he wants to tell me, he can. If he feels he has to tell me, he will. If he wants to hide it from me, then so be it. We are only friends, I guess that is a good enough reason for him not to tell me everything about the friends he has and whether or not he goes on any dates, or if he has slept with anyone else since we last did.
As I was cleaning the house this morning I finally put away this blue toothbrush that had been lying in the bathroom for months. It was the toothbrush XXX used when he slept over back in the day. It’s funny how a toothbrush can suddenly accumulate so many memories. Instead of throwing it away I simply put it away in my toiletries box. A part of me still thinks one day XXX and I will sleep together again.
Maybe he is just testing time. How interesting would it be if he was also trying to get over me by trying to meet new people, but he was just failing? But why would he make us endure this? It sounds extreme and silly. All I can say for now is that we have been devoted friends to each other for over a year now, and I know that for some people that isn’t much, but for me being friends with a guy for over a year is pretty amazing! 😀 So moral of the story is that I don’t know what XXX is doing or why, but he is one treasured friend who really has a special place in my heart.
And Cutie Pie has also found a little spot in my heart. :’) Yay.