still not great …

Yesterday was an average day. I spent most of it working on my cross-stitch – something like 5 hours altogether. I haven’t even done half of it yet, but it is getting better.

I also did a work-out which felt nice, I really pushed myself.

My mum and I had lunch and then I went to volunteer at the care home. When I got there the lady told me that their plans had changed and she wouldn’t be doing the activity I usually help her out with, she had forgotten to call me. Eek. As annoyed as I was, I asked if there was anything I could do while I was here, so she took me to this old lady and I chatted to her for about three quarters of an hour.

At first she seemed quite healthy for an old lady, she had no issues with speaking and everything made sense … until they didn’t anymore. Then I realised things were quite jumbled in her brain, and she was getting a lot of things mixed up. When a nurse came in, she said that she and I were related. When another nurse came in later, she said that she had met me at the airport. It was all a bit weird but I just smiled at her and tried to ask her quite neutral questions, or made comments about her room.

I got home and settled in my chair to do some more cross-stitching, but after a while my mum called me to wax her legs. Woohoo. Isn’t great to be a daughter! So I had to stop to do my mum a favour, as she couldn’t do it herself.

I went back to cross-stitching and then made some tea. Soon it was 6pm and off I went to university to listen to a concert XXX was performing in. And really XXX was the one and only reason I went there because otherwise I wouldn’t have gone. But I had told him I’d try to make it, and it was a nice thing to do, and he said it’d be nice to have me in the audience. So I went.

I was 10ish minutes early and waiting outside the auditorium for the doors to open when XXX came over. We hugged really quickly and then he asked me if I could film the concert on his phone. So I said sure because why not. He handed me his phone and showed me how to use it (I don’t have a smartphone so I don’t know, lol). Then I went in the auditorium, tried to sit somewhere in the middle and it was good that no one was sitting in front of me. Before the show started I made sure I could actually get to the camera, so I turned on his phone and on the main screen it said he had a new message from that person who I don’t it is and who I am afraid he may be sort of dating but not. 😦 When I saw her name on the screen, I felt so sick, almost like I would throw up. It wasn’t even jealousy, it was just …. I just don’t know who she is or what sort of thing they have between them.

So whatever, I just ignored it, and no, I didn’t look through his messages because I respect him after all. I just did what he asked me to do and filmed to the best of my ability the first half of the concert. Obviously when he was performing with the guitar ensemble I looked JUST at him, lol.

There was a short ten minute interval during which I found XXX and gave him his phone back, then he went to talk to someone else and I went to sit back into the auditorium by myself. I saw him say good-bye to that person and I thought he’d come and sit next to me, but he went to sit with other people 😦 and then the second half of the concert started and I was sitting all alone and I just felt so lonely knowing XXX was somewhere behind me …………………. 😦 😦 😦 it is true I had left him so that he could talk to that person. I don’t know, did I leave him or he leave me and does it even matter who did what? I felt so unhappy and barely listened to the music.

The concert finished at 9.30pm and there were some refreshments being served. Again I went to find XXX and told him I was going home because I was so tired, and he said he was too, so I offered him a lift and he said it’d be great. Except we were both pretty hungry so we started eating, and then he started talking to these people, and a while later he says he actually has to meet this guy so I should just head home by myself. Alright then. We walked to my car, I felt so sad, so distant, so unlike myself. I wished XXX a happy birthday as it is his birthday today, and then I left.

I started to cry while driving but just willed myself not to as everything started getting blurry. I didn’t want to think of all the things that made me sad but at the same time I couldn’t. I felt so sad that XXX didn’t sit next to me. That I was so alone in that stupid auditorium. That I had bothered to drive 30km’s and back just to see my stupid crush perform 4 pieces with the guitar ensemble. It made me sad also that I felt I couldn’t be myself around many people. And I wondered if I could still be myself around XXX and the thought that maybe I couldn’t frightened me a lot and made me cry harder.

I came home, had a bite to eat, then I went to my desk and continued cross-stitching. I was tired but didn’t want to go into bed as I knew I’d just cry 😦 At midnight I sent a  message to XXX on FB to wish him a happy birthday (lol, it’s like the third time I wish him happy birthday), and after that I did go to bed, and obviously I cried because ———— I really miss so much about XXX and I. 😦 😦 😦 I just haven’t moved on AT ALL. I miss sleeping with him so much, his company — talking to him and saying bad jokes in the middle of the night and laughing until I have tears in my eyes ……………………………….. why did he reject this part of our friendship 😥 I just have no idea ………… but I miss it a very great deal ………….. but how do you tell someone you miss sleeping with them? Like, you just don’t! Or should I? What would it change? Nothing! He doesn’t want to sleep with me! My feelings won’t change his!

I woke up this morning, cuddled my cat for a bit, had breakfast, cross-stitched. I was on my way to the bathroom when I realised the rabbit had escaped her pen in the garden and was running freely. I went to my little sister to tell her, as it is her rabbit after all. She had just finished working out and was about to go into the shower. So she’s like, “oh can you go and catch her please?” obviously I was in no mood to do it considering I hate this rabbit and I never asked for it and I have better things to do with my time than to run after this stupid annoying rabbit. Still, I went outside and tried to catch it, obviously it was a lost cause. So I went back to the bathroom, told my sister I hadn’t caught it, so she asked me to go back and try again. I said, “well why don’t you do it” and she’s like, “i’m sick, my legs are sore, i’m about to have my shower” … blablabla ….. well I said I still wouldn’t go, then I walked out, and she yelled after me, “why do you have to be such a bitch!”

I know I’m not a bitch but still, it hurts to be called one. You know what I mean, especially when you feel down in the first place. So I felt the only thing I needed to do was to get out of this stupid house. My parents were not home by the way, my mum had an appointment with a neurologist and my dad had gone with her. Luckily, today being XXX’s birthday gave me an excuse to go to his house. Remembering what he had said about me rocking up unannounced at his house, I messaged him to let him know I was on my way, but unfortunately he wasn’t even home.

Nevertheless, I got ready as fast as I could, wrote in his two birthday cards (lol yes I got him two because I couldn’t decide on JUST one), and I left. And my chest was so heavy when I was walking, I felt like I didn’t know where to go, that there was no one I could go to, that even home wasn’t a very nice place to be and —– I just felt so sad and lonely. I decided that I would stay at XXX’s house even if he wasn’t around and maybe talk to his mum as she had been quite lovely to me that time I had come in tears. I was even looking forward a bit to having someone to cry around and someone who’d give me tissues, that sort of thing.

So I walked all the way over to XXX’s house, and knocked lightly on the door. No one came, so I knocked a bit louder. Oh well. 😦 No one there either. I put the birthday cards in the letter box and left, again that feeling of not knowing where to go. So I went for a big walk, aimlessly through the streets, to the path by the ocean, and I ended up at a park. The same park XXX and I had walked to a few months ago, and we’d sat in silence for a while just staring at the sunset.

I sat at an empty picnic table and tried not to cry or think. I just rested my head on my shoulders, feeling so tired. I almost fell asleep actually. After maybe half an hour or more I got up and made my way home …

and so that is where I am. I guess I will just do cross-stitching for the rest of the afternoon, and maybe have a nap. I am so tired. I want to cry so bad but I don’t want to cry all alone, it makes it so much more painful. I really hope XXX thinks about me and remembers what he said the other day, and hopefully he will have a bit of time for me tonight or tomorrow….

But the important message about today is that it is XXX’s birthday. He is turning 27. So I would really appreciate it if you could think about him a little bit for my sake and send all your positive vibes and love in his direction because he is so important to me and I want him to be okay, and also because he is my best friend and I am grateful for him even though there have been so many downs, and also because he deserves so much ……………… so thank you for your thoughts …………..

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