frustration + 1 bad thing i’ve done.

Yay I am frustrated. Because of a variety of factors, I guess.

Last night was my parents’ friends’ “Oktoberfest” evening. They have it in November because there are fireworks which we can see from their home. Anyway, I told XXX about it (of course) – we agreed to rehearse on a week-end day but I said we’ll go to the party instead, and play music there and promote our concert. In fact last year we went there together so I was soo looking forward to sharing my desserts with him. Anyhow he messaged me in the morning and said he couldn’t come because it was his dad’s birthday and he’d forgotten.

Ok, I actually happily let that one go. Maybe I wasn’t particularly surprised? I don’t know. I didn’t really mind it in a way as much as I had been looking forward to spending quality time with him.

We agreed to rehearse this afternoon at 3pm, but he messaged me saying he’d just woken up from a nap and was still feeling tired. Bah, great. Now that bothered me a little more. I think I just miss him a bit and I just, you know, want to see him very very much? It doesn’t help that he is always on my mind, plus recently he’s been in my dreams almost every night (in my dreams we always hug). Also because our concert is just about 20 days away and we still haven’t learnt three movements!

It was like the biggest disappointment ever but I’m trying not to get too crossed about it. Whenever XXX bails out on me it becomes almost like a test of trust. By that I mean I do have to trust his word, that he is tired, and not start to wonder things that may get me more crossed, i.e. that it has nothing to do with me personally. I don’t know how to explain. So I just keep on thinking that it is best he decided not to come over today, as the rehearsal may not have been productive at all anyway. Keep thinking positive thoughts!

The fact that I am more frustrated than expected might also be because of my younger sister who is really turning into someone I cannot stand anymore. Before I went to Thailand we got into a huge fight and we’ve had a few more fights since. These days I try not to talk to her. Every time she asks m a favor it gets me annoyed. She is the most selfish person I know, and so self-obsessed. I cannot stand people who are obsessed by their own selves, what an ugly trait. Yes I find my sister ugly. At the same time she does have a psychological issue but still! Whenever I am around her I long for the day to live in my own place. As soon as I feel financially secure, I’m moving out, no doubt about that.

I definitely wanted to share my rant to XXX this afternoon and I guess I’m annoyed that I couldn’t. It’s so annoying!

But I mean you can deal with frustration. You have to find constructive ways to deal with it. When I’m annoyed or in a bad mood I generally avoid people and conversations because I know I’ve got the tendency to make nasty comments or I turn a little snappy and careless when annoyed. So I don’t want to hurt people just because I’m feeling bad, it’s not fair on them. Therefore I turn to quiet activities I can do on my own, like cross-stitching or playing music. Although XXX isn’t here to rehearse it doesn’t mean I cannot do my own practice, and that would be a very constructive way to get over my frustration. I could get going with my uni application and even with the planning of my concert. There are loads of things I could do. It’s true I’ve decided to dwell on my frustration for a bit by writing this post but I swear that once I publish it, I’m moving on from everything! 😀

Apart from that, there’s one thing I quickly want to write about to prove to you I am not always as nice as I may show myself on this blog.

Last year this muso contacted me asking me if I could play harp for one of his concerts and I said yes. I only knew that the concert would be in November 2016. The rehearsals started in October of this year and the concert is tomorrow. Guess what. I have not gone to a single rehearsal, I have not looked at any of the music. Why? I don’t really know. A mixture of laziness and annoyance. The rehearsals were at this venue 40mins away from home. The rehearsals were Sundays, for 4ish hours. No harp at the venue means I have to bring my own. I am sick and tired of bringing my harp everywhere. It’s heavy, it’s annoying to get into and out of the car. Not only that, it is getting damaged from all the transport!!! There are dents into the wood of the soundboard 😦 I am tired of playing gigs for free (although this year I have refused most unpaid gigs). At first I told the guy I’d come to only three rehearsals instead of like, 20 of them, but came the day I’d said I’d go, I just couldn’t find the will. I just could not be bothered. No motivation whatsoever. And the same happened the following week, and today again. I feel so bad and ashamed and embarrassed, and that adds another layer to why I don’t even want to go there. Tomorrow is the concert and I have no idea what I’m gonna do. Do I just rock up? Apologise for not coming to any rehearsals? I have no idea :/ I think the coward part of myself is going to win on this one and I won’t even go to the concert … I feel soooo bad but at the same time …. I am tired of my harp-gigging life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I have a bit of compassion fatigue at the moment …. I didn’t even know it was a thing until recently. Actually I’d never heard of it until last week. Then I heard about it everywhere. I have done so much volunteering this year, so much work and so much time I have given simply out of good will, compassion and love for humanity. I don’t regret any of it, no, but maybe my experiences altogether has impacted me in a way I’m not quite really aware of yet. I don’t know. It’s weird. The thing is that I don’t mind volunteering if it is MY choice (i.e. when no one asks me). As for the guy’s concert, he asked me and I simply didn’t know how to say no at the time, otherwise I think I would have 😦 I am too nice sometimes.

But then I didn’t know what I’d end up doing this year!! How was I supposed to know I’d feel this way and I’d be doing all these things, and that I’d get annoyed at getting gigs? Hmph, I don’t know how I was supposed to know.

Anyhow this was just to illustrate that I have done something very unethical and it’s not something I’m proud of, and I’ve got no idea what to do about it. I’m just tired of being nice, maybe …….

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