post about feelings & books

I haven’t blogged in a few days (lol most of you are probably like, “yay”). I’ve been feeling all sorts of feelings. Mainly feeling upset about the Somalian children I will likely never see again (insert crying emoji here); this was made worse by the realisation that I would over time forget things about them (I’m scared of forgetting). I started to feel bothered by the fact that I’m still in love with XXX and also I got annoyed when he said “see you soon” but I have no idea when soon is.

Right before XXX left on Christmas Eve, he talked to my parents about New Year’s Eve and it was sort of agreed he’d come over. However I asked him to confirm with me (you never know with him) and in the end he’s decided he’d stay at his house because his parents are organising a party. I felt so disappointed when he told me, as you can imagine. Even more disappointed because it’d seemed he was really keen on coming over. And I was so looking forward to stepping into 2017 with this absurd, handsome, gorgeous, immature, hilarious, lovable friend of mine by my side. But it isn’t to be 😦

I sort of am hoping he’ll invite me to come over but it hasn’t happened yet. I wonder why he’s not inviting me? Maybe I should ask if I can come? Might as well risk another rejection, why not? Finish off this year on a high! What have I got to lose? Another little piece of my heart? That’s nothing! Just yesterday I imagined myself walking or driving to his house at midnight, ringing the bell, interrupting the party, and just giving XXX a really warm hug to wish him well for the new year. Oh by the way yes I would be totally capable to do such a thing. Because I am in love with him.

Apart from that, this whole week’s been pretty boring, really. I went volunteering yesterday which was nice, it lifted my spirits up instantly because this little old lady took my hand and we went for a small walk together in the central yard. I’ve delved back into reading, finished “The Beautiful and Damned” by F. Scott Fitzgerald the other day and I am now reading Animal Farm by George Orwell, Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell and Across the Seas by Klaus Neumann. The latter is a non-fiction book tracing Australia’s responses, policies and general history to do with refugees and asylum seekers (an issue I am deeply interested in).

A few Christmasses ago my cousin gave me this eBook reader and I vouched never to use it (but I never told him, lol), because I love reading from actual books. But it turns out my local library doesn’t always have the books I want to read, and sometimes one doesn’t have the time or the energy to drive to a library. So I’ve now set up my eBook reader (it was a tad complicated because I had to install Adobe Digital Editions) but that means I can now read any book almost instantly; either I buy it either I borrow it from the library. It’s really easy! And all books in the one same place! Perfect from travelling. Nevertheless, I still like real books. For a start, when you have a bookshelf, it makes you look really smart. A bookshelf on a device doesn’t look as impressive. lol. 😛

Well I have a gig this evening, ahhh so cannot be bothered to attend. But it’s the last one of the year, so I cannot wait until it is over. I’m bummed because it’s outdoors and today there’s a lot of wind.

Tomorrow I’m gonna write my 2016 reflection and I’ll probably post it on here, along with the one from last year! In all truths, I haven’t changed much from last year.

So that is all from me at this stage. Ciao!

those children

i want to remember
the cheeky grins and the
glint in the eyes that said
“don’t tell my dad”;
the smile with the two front
teeth missing;
and the way he said
“get outta here” to his brother
when the latter made
an awful joke;
the feel of a child’s hand
light and gentle;
the excitement of reading a
book for the tenth time
and of learning words
for the first time;
i want to remember
their laughter and their story
and their faces and their names
and how they,
when i opened my heart,
they filled it with childish
unreserved, unconditional, unafraid,
beautiful
love.

about the five Somalian children I tutored for a year and 8 months ♥

Merry Christmas

Well, last night was pretty interesting.

I dressed in a bright red dress, it was actually a tad tight, I must have gotten a bit fatter since I bought it three years ago 😥 I put on a bit of make-up and at 7.20pm, my prince charming (i.e. XXX) arrived. I saw him walk up to the front door from the window and I excitedly yelled his name out, and he even heard me, lol. I opened the door and as his hands were full of presents, he went to put them down near the tree. Then we hugged hello and after this I went to pick up Cutie Pie, and XXX came with me.

So it was a bit awkward actually in the car with both Cutie Pie and XXX. Cutie Pie was very quiet, which was slightly unusual actually, I think he was feeling awkward about something but I don’t know what exactly. In turns, it made me feel a little awkward as well.

Most of the evening went by in the blink of an eye. We had drinks, then sat down at the table to eat. I sat in between XXX and Cutie Pie. I was trying to make sure Cutie Pie wasn’t left out and at the same time I wanted to talk to XXX about heaps of things. But it mostly went really well I think. We were about 9 at the table so everyone talked over each other and laughed and made jokes. In fact I made a few very bad jokes and at one point Cutie Pie got up, he said he was annoyed at my jokes or something, and he walked away. I assumed he’d gone to the bathroom but after 15mins he wasn’t back so I started to get worried. I walked through the house looking for him but he was nowhere to be seen, and finally the front door opened and he walked through – he’d actually gone outside!!! Phew. Jeez. Gave me a bit of a scare. He simply said he’d needed fresh air.

After dinner I played a bit of harp for my parents’ friends, while my friends and siblings played cards. Afterwards some people opened their presents. XXX opened mine and thanked me for it. Cutie Pie took mine but didn’t open it, said he’d open it tomorrow instead. He had to leave at half past twelve, and my parents’ friends drove him home. I gave him a  hug before he got in the car.

Once he’d left I went back inside and sat next to XXX. He’d brought two gifts for me so I opened one of them. It’s a pretty travel wallet. How thoughtful, as I’m going to Mauritius and South Africa next month!!! But maybe he was also thinking of when we’ll go on tour 😉 mwa-ha-ha. Anyways, then he said he had to go home so I walked him to his car. I very casually asked if he’d like to stay and sleep but he just said he couldn’t. Oh well. I tried. So we hugged and then he left.

Actually before he left he was talking to my parents about new years eve and it sounds like he’ll be coming over. lol. He pretty much just invited himself again.

So it was a good evening altogether. I just have an odd feeling about Cutie Pie. I’m not so sure he enjoyed himself very much unfortunately. I have no idea if it had anything to do with XXX being there. Maybe he was overwhelmed from being around so many people and from spending his first Christmas in a foreign country, away from his family. I get the vibe that maybe he likes me and that sort of – not “annoys” me but … like, I don’t know what to do about it. He often gives me compliments and never fails to put his hand on my shoulder at least once whenever we see each other and he likes to stare at me and annoy me. So I don’t know but to me it looks like a crush … I won’t see him again until early January as he’s going to Sydney for new year’s eve … But we will be going to a tennis match together and then he’ll spend the night in my house so maybe I could take him to breakfast the following morning and we can have a chat and I can ask him how’s everything going. I feel like I messed up somewhere and I’m not sure where but I can try making it better!!

As for XXX, What. The. Actual. Hell. Yesterday when he said he “couldn’t” stay over my first thought was, “maybe he can’t because he has a girlfriend?” lol actually I did think this then I thought well as if he’d spend Christmas eve with me rather than his “girlfriend”. No he doesn’t have a girlfriend. At times some of the things he says or does just seem to indicate he’s in love with me … and I don’t know, just from the way he LOOKS at me I can tell he wants me!!! I see it in his eyes — and in his smile. So why doesn’t he want to sleep with me??? Not even one night!!! I thought all guys wanted sex!!! lol. So I have no idea what he’s resisting or what he’s trying to do. Is it really that he still doesn’t want a relationship with anyone and he knows that sex between us will turn the friendship into a relationship???? It’s so weird. I don’t get it. I would really quite like to know, I think, if he’s ever considered being in a relationship with me – if it’s something that could happen in the future. It feels like it could but then nothing seems to be changing! Do I just ask him? I guess I could. HEY XXX will we ever be together in THAT sense of the word?? Maybe he doesn’t want any relationship until he knows it’s “The One” sort of person he’s dating? Like, he’s nearly 30, surely he actually wants to settle down properly now? And I do remember one day he said maybe there’ll be something between us but he said this last year so maybe his feelings could have changed but I doubt it. We’re so close and comfortable with each other, heck he pretty much feels like family to me – and I think he even feels like family to MY family, and my family feels like family to him – that it’s almost OBVIOUS we should be together!!!! So I’m a little bit baffled and overall slightly confused. The weird thing is I’m not really annoyed. Wouldn’t people get annoyed waiting around for that long? I think I’m not annoyed because I am more and more confident of how much I mean to him and how much he … loves? me!! Well I know he likes me a lot, so he might as well love me, but for some reason he prefers distance between us at the moment. Go figure. But just because I know he loves me well I find myself unable to get crossed or frustrated at him.

I think maybe he just wants to be 100% sure before starting any relationship “officially” (because unofficially I reckon we totally are in a relationship, lol 😉 ). Also maybe he’d rather focus on other things before a romantic relationship – like his album, and getting his life together again, that sort of thing. Maybe once all that is in place, and he’s got his independence back, he’ll want me! OMG YES that MUST be the reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK well I will do everything I can to help him get there, mwahahahaha 😉

Ok well that’s definitely enough rambling from me but I’m so glad I could come up with a sound reason as to why I couldn’t sleep with my crush – I’d also been looking forward to laughing and talking with him about nothing and everything until the wee hours of the morning …. 😦 but …. ONE DAY — I believe in it!!!

Poem

I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.

― Charles Bukowski

Found this yesterday, it brought me to tears :’)

Photos!!! :D

So the other day I posted a video, today I’m posting some photos from Sunday’s concert.

 

6
Playing my solos
19
Giving my crush (XXX) a teddy. The teddy is holding a little suitcase which says on it “Packed with Hugs”.

25

27

28
Pic of your blogger/harpist/concert organiser/volunteer relaxing after the end of the show

So here we go! There’s a few more but I won’t post them. Ever since Monday (even before Monday actually), I haven’t stopped thinking about kissing XXX. It’s really odd. It got really bad when we were sitting face to face at that cafe on Monday and I stared a little too long into his eyes while he was speaking. I so desperately want to kiss him!!! In my room I have put up our two concert posters and the other night I just kissed the poster, LOL. I am that desperate. As he is coming to spend Christmas Eve dinner with us, I have decided I will try to kiss him then. I KNOW he has friend-zoned me, but that was back in February! Surely things have changed?! Anyway, it wouldn’t be our first kiss – by that I mean that he DOES have some sorts of feelings for me! I know he did once and I doubt they would have left his heart after all we’ve been through and how much of each other we’ve seen lately. I have a feeling he likes me! Ok it is true I have been watching many “signs that he likes you” videos on YouTube LOL. No but the point is I keep waiting around for him to do something, and sure, maybe he isn’t 100% ready but are we EVER ready for anything? And also it is just a kiss, surely one kiss on Christmas eve night wouldn’t do that much harm? I’m just gonna try it. Hopefully there will be a good time to kiss him, when we have a bit of privacy. I’m thinking of when we say good-bye of course as he decides to head home. But of come I want him to sleep over as well but at this stage it’s more like hope. It’d be so cool to kiss him though!!! I feel like we both deserve a good kiss from each other.

The thing though is that life is so different to movies. Like you know in movies where two people like each other but totally deny it, and then one of them finally decides to make the bold move and kiss the other, usually what happens is the other person totally responds by kissing back. In real life the opposite would happen – to me anyway. XXX would probably pull away and go, “not now, it’s not the right time – you’re just my friend” or something. Right?????????????????????????? Well whatever, I won’t let that stop me, LOL. EHEHEHE he has no idea what type of girl he is being friends with!!!! It’s his problem tbh. If I love him too much he just should get away. Obviously considering he knows how much I am in love with him, there is a part of him that ENJOYS and NEEDS the attention I give him! So why not give him more!!!

Apart from XXX I had a little to say about Cutie Pie. He came over tonight. Last time I saw him was Sunday, he came to my concert to sell the tickets at the door. After the concert he came over to me and said, “it was a crucial concert” (lol he’s got some weird expressions somehow – makes him cute) and shook my hand. So I picked him up and we went to my home, he had brought gifts for my parents and I, which we put under the tree. We threw each other a small ball and chit chatted, then played a game of cards with Mum. After this we all had dinner and my little sister started raising her voice and I thought “wow she isn’t embarrassed to do that in front of Cutie Pie?!” After dinner we watched a movie. And after the movie I drove him back to his home.

I used to say I have a crush on him but actually I don’t think that is true anymore. What is true is that I simply find him very attractive and good-looking. But my feelings don’t go much beyond that – at least not anymore. But Cutie Pie does things to annoy me like, ALL. THE. TIME. Tonight he was talking in a very Australian accent. Which btw isn’t a very nice-sounding accent. So I asked him to speak in a different accent. Of course he did the opposite, and whenever he had the chance to say a word with an Australian accent, he’d say it, then look at me to see my reaction. Also sometimes he does seem to initiate physical contact for no reason at all. Like I told him I had a cold and he put his hand on my shoulder as if to console me. And while watching the movie, we were sitting side by side but not too close to each other but sometimes I felt like maybe he wanted to touch me or something. But I don’t know, maybe that was me dreaming. He’d stretch out a lot and things. So it’s interesting. Chances are he probably doesn’t have any feelings for me at all but then why would he tease me and try so hard to get on my nerves and make me so annoyed!!!!! I hope he doesn’t have any feelings for me, what if he does and he knows how much in love I am with XXX? (It must have been pretty obvious at the concert) …. oh well let’s just hope he only likes me as a friend.

My mum told him he could spend Christmas eve with us as well. Great, Mum. Imagine XXX and Cutie Pie to celebrate Christmas with. Well if he does end up happening, it’ll be sort of weird but pretty cool I guess!!!

 

Video!!!!! :D

So my sneaky older sister sneakily took a video of XXX and I performing our encore piece so here you go!!! XXX and I were half improvising half not (we had sort of agreed on a structure but that was about it):

How cute is my baby :3 lol

And seriously, we have SO much fun doing that (playing music), maybe you can see from the video. lol but sometimes we’d rehearse and just laugh while playing. we are so random and lame!!

too much in love?

i am dangerously in love with XXX …………………………. lol. no but seriously.

as we’d agreed yesterday, I messaged him in the morning to suggest going for a walk “somewhere” in the afternoon. i didn’t tell him exactly where (i wanted it to be a surprise), but he was up for it and i picked him up at 2pm.

we headed off to this suburb west of the city, which is located on the coast sort of. actually halfway there he guessed where it was, lol. he did most of the talking on the way, he told me he’ll be going to Melbourne next year with his guitar ensemble for a concert or something rather, which i’m so excited about for him!! he’s also looking at scholarships and would like to apply for some but it’s all a bit complicated but anyway, i’m just very happy that he’s doing stuffs and there already really exciting things for next year. he also said he feels very blessed to have so many opportunities and that made me really glad, coz last year and earlier this year he was in a really worse place so i’m glad he’s feeling in a better mental headspace. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and i’m just glad i never gave him up, isn’t it such a beautiful thing when you see your best friend feel so great and happy and enthusiastic and inspired!!! :’)

oh yeah and also he told me the story of how this girl who came to our concert yesterday chatted to him on fb and, apart from asking weird questions, also said that she’s liked his smile more than the music. LOLOL. how dare she say that to him when i’m clearly xxx’s destined girlfriend 😉 lol. i just laughed at the whole thing, but in a way i agreed with her 😉

we arrived at this suburb and parked somewhere, near this really old building that xxx told me used to be a wool factory back in the day, but it hasn’t been in use for over 50years so it is currently being renovated and turned into lots of spacious, modern apartments. we got back in the car and went to park elsewhere so we had plenty of time to walk around without worrying about a parking ticket. we went to the arts centre and walked through an exhibition that had to do with lights. we stayed inside for maybe twenty minutes looking at this weird projection about fire and discussing what it could all mean. we had a small discussion about art. my argument was that art has to have a message, otherwise what is its point? but xxx said it had more to do with aesthetics and not all art necessarily has to have a message. it could exist for its own aesthetic purpose sort of thing.

we walked around the town’s main centre. in the public square there were two tennis tables so we played a bit, had a little too much fun probably. xxx was like, “ok whoever wins this point gets a free coffee from the other” but he hadn’t brought his wallet anyway so i knew i’d have to pay for his coffee, lol. while walking i told him i already had so many exciting things planned for next year, and i told him how once i’m sure i earn enough i’ll think about moving out and xxx said, “well … if you need an awesome housemate ….” UM HELLO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. lol. he probably didn’t mean it? i’d like to believe that he did. what if he did? could we house share one day? oh if we ever did i’d really turn into his wife lol. i know already i’ll iron and fold all his clothes and will cook some dinners for him too …………………………………… oh well, i guess i won’t know until next year or the year after!!! but there you go. why couldn’t he just NOT have said anything!!!!

so after table tennis we looked for a coffee place. many cafes were already closed but we found a café/restaurant and went in there. we both got a hot chocolate each and got one of those date/coconut ball to share. we picked a table and sat face to face. possibly the worst idea i have ever had. usually when we go to restaurants or cafes we sit side by side. wth went through my mind when i decided to sit in that chair opposite him!!! coz what happened? he talked and i look right into his eyes and OMG i just couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i was so distracted and i felt so shy and yep, i am still so damn attracted to him!!!! how can i get over this???!!! it’s not even a feeling i can control. you don’t decide the natural physical attraction you feel for someone!!! i cannot be saved 😦 lol

i was so overwhelmed with all my desires that i barely knew what to tell him anymore and i looked out the window once i managed to look away from his face. lol. so we got up again and walked towards the beach, and then we walked to the car, it was a fifteen minute walk or so.

obviously during the whole afternoon whenever we walked i wished he’d take my hand but as expected none of that happened. we just walked side by side. we got back to my car and then just drove home. the ride back went surprisingly quickly, i actually felt sad when i reached his house. i was thinking to myself “that wasn’t enough time with him!” but at the same time i was sort of relieved because man, i was so exhausted from behaving normally. while driving i didn’t talk very much because i could only think of a few things, mainly kissing him, touching him and having sex with him. just NOT good. the thing is that he probably noticed and he probably could tell. i wouldn’t be surprised if he knew without me having to say anything. he didn’t speak that very much either, he was a bit tired but maybe he was thinking about the same things?!

we hugged in the car and then he said he’ll see me very soon although we have no plans. but i told him he could take a break from me, lol. with all the rehearsals we had the past few weeks he probably needs a break from me though, right? i just wanted to take him out today to make him feel a little special, to spend some time with him as friends (lovers-to-be) and most importantly to thank him for the concert. so i consider it his job to get in touch with me if he wants to see me again. but he’ll probably be busy anyway the next few days so i am not expecting miracles. at least he should be coming over on Christmas eve to celebrate with my family. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE we kiss then. it would be the best Christmas. actually it would be even better if he slept over.

so yeah, i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo into him, so so so so much into him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he actually has the most beautiful smile ever and just his whole face is gorgeous and his hair is always so DAMN MESSY, coz he actually never brushes it but i love how puffy it is, it just suits him, and i like when he wears a t-shirt and i can see his forearms but then he’s got a grey jumper that suits him perfectly and anyway, not only do i enjoy his company and lame sense of humour, he happens to be a sexy handsome guy that i feel sexually and physically attracted to so yeah, i’m in a very good situation right now. end of story. at least for tonight, lol.