i am so in the mood to cry, not necessarily from sadness, but just from overall overwhelmingness of a whole heaps of feelings.
simply put – i love XXX soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i just can’t get over him. over it. whatever. he’s just so beautiful, and i love him to bits ……….and it makes me so happy to know him and to love him that i’m crying happy tears ….
today he came over at 5.30pm and we rehearsed for two hours, it was so productive but so much fun. we tried to make a musical representation of a horse galopping, slowing down and pooping. lol. we are so lame. then we couldn’t stop laughing. and oh i don’t know, i’m so grateful for him for learning the music and practicing …. isn’t that so nice of him??? i wouldn’t have put the concert on if it wasn’t for him agreeing to be involved ….. seriously he is just the nicest and the best …. and now i’ve organised the concert and it’s actually happening and it’s all because of him …. seriously indebted to him … when we were practicing i almost wanted to cry i felt so much gratefulness and love. and just how much fun music is with him, laughing at each other’s mistakes and discussing phrasing like serious musos and just – making something together…. what a beautiful thing it is and how blessed i am to be able to experience such happy moments in my life, but they wouldn’t be as happy if it was someone different. i know there’s just something about xxx … and i can’t stop loving him more and more and more and more …
an hour or so into rehearsal my mum walks past and asks XXX if he’s gonna have dinner with us. he says, “yeah sure why not”. we hadn’t even discussed it. he pretty much invited himself. lol. i just LOVED that. i even clapped when he said he’d stay. lol. i am so pathetic. but there you go, i was so HAPPY. i don’t know – have i missed him that much? i saw him on wednesday, that isn’t such a long time ago. or is it something else i am missing? our closeness? i don’t know.
so we finished rehearsal and dinner was another 10minutes so i set the table. meanwhile XXX chatted to my dad and he started juggling with three balls. omg he was just so cute. looking at him just made my heart laugh and smile and burst. what a little kiddo he can be sometimes! then we threw the balls at each other and he tried to teach me how to juggle and our hands would touch … and i’d look at him juggle and i thought to myself how i love the look of his face and he’s got the best profile ever, and i just thought he’s got the most gentle little soul and – he is a beautiful person …..
we sat next to each other during dinner and we talked with my sister and a bit with my parents and it was so awesome, i love how it feels like the most natural thing in the world for him to be with us, how it feels like he totally belongs here and just how comfortable he is with all of us. i just love that.
and after dinner we played music for another fifteen minutes and then i suggested we go for a walk as some houses in my suburb have put up Christmas lights. so off we set, under the starlit sky, walking side by side. there was so much i wanted to say to him … well, so much and at the same time so little. i wanted to tell him how almost every night he’s been in my dreams (it’s almost getting frustrating). in my dreams the same thing always happens, which is, we hug each other really hard and really tight. and it’s always out of “relief” … (in one dream it was after i thought i’d made him mad at him; in another dream it was because i thought i’d lost him; in the dream last night it was after i was close to tears after a big fight with my sister …. ) i didn’t tell him anything though. i stayed so quiet. gosh and i wanted to tell him how i wanted to kiss him. and of course, how i wantd to hug him exactly the same way we hug each other in all my dreams … but the words were so stuck in my throat … XXX doesn’t want them …. or could he, now? will i ever know? is it up to him to make the first move or me?
back from the walk i thought he’d just pick up his things and get going home. however he sat at the dining table. so i joined him there. what did he want to do? i had no idea. my parents were watching a movie so we looked at it for a bit from the table. then i asked him, “do you wanna watch it?” and he said “yeah”. OMG 2nd surprise of the evening … i was so surprised, really, so shocked almost … i mean, he wanted to stay???! :’) and so off we went to sit on the couch with my parents. there was all the clean laundry including all of my family’s clean underwear right next to him, i mean, you can imagine … he was at home here …
i sat next to him but not close enough for us to touch. there were a few sex scenes in the movie which actually made me itch to touch him. sometimes someone would make a comment about the movie and i’d look at him and just when i’d look away then he’d look at me. we finished watching the movie at quarter to midnight. we got up from the couch and he went, “alright, i’ll head home” and he got his things and i walked him to the door, and we hugged, and i hugged him as tight as i could. unfortunately he had his guitar in one hand and his heavy bag over one shoulder so it was probably a little awkward to hug me.
i love him so much. how is that even possible. or am i just crazy about him???? i thought it’d be over by now, this all “being crazy about someone” phase!!!! i thought i’d just stupidly fallen for him and that it’ll be over after a while after i meet someone but it’s not happening. and i’d like to know how he feels about me but at the same time a part of me knows it isn’t the right time for that sort of stuff ….
i think i just really want to tell him face to face “i love you so much and thank you for everything” but i can’t bring myself to. either because i’m not sure he’ll accept my words, or because he won’t say anything back …
so yeah, i’m gonna find some tissues while i sob about the passionate and intense love i feel for my best friend. 😥