these days i have been so emotional. there isn’t a day that goes by without a few tears escaping my eyes. i feel so overwhelmed about loads of things. between the somalian children i lost touch with (due to circumstances completely beyond my control), to feeling the stress and excitement of my concert happening soon, to being in mad love with xxx, to imagining what i want 2017 and taking action now to make anything happen.
a few months ago – those followers who have been reading my blog for a long time – might remember that i made an attempt at getting over xxx by deactivating my fb and such. i thought maybe if i didn’t hear so much from him and didn’t get in touch with him as often as i usually do, i’d get over him. biggest fail ever, it made me feel completely miserable and it might have given xxx a bit of a fright too, because over the course of that week-end he came round to my place (i didn’t even see him) and put in my mailbox a blank notebook and a beautiful little card.
this notebook i have been writing in since about September. it started off being a notebook for me to rant in and for me to write about the moments i feel down. as i wrote i realised i was pretty much in my mind addressing each word to xxx. over time i started writing about other things including my feelings for him (which are intense and varied). i then gave him the notebook to read – i had written in about half of it – and he kept it for a few weeks.
i got it back a few weeks ago and i’ve reached the end! i left the very last page blank so far because i’m thinking of writing a poem on one side, and gluing a nice photo of us on the other side. so i have been looking through photos the past half hour. i opened my photo album and there was a stunning photo of xxx playing guitar (caption: “crush of 2015-2015: xxx, guitar player and uni student”, lol). i started crying when i saw the photo, and i stroked it for a few seconds. i just love him so much and i have missed touching him 😦
then i found the cd with all the photos and other things from last year so i again went through some photos. last year xxx and i put on a concert so we had a photoshoot at his place. i made some very bad puns with the photos:
(bach is a composer, satie is another (you pronounce it “Sahtee”) and we played music by both these composers in our concert).
so anyway, you get what i mean 😛
i listened to a song also and just lied on my bed, hugged my pillow and let out a few tears. what the hell is wrong with me these days!!!!
maybe i am a little scared that i like him so much. or scared that i love him? i still don’t know if i do. i know i like him very very much but how do you know when that becomes love? doesn’t love have more to do with how you treat people rather than how you feel about them? do i think i love him because i want him to love me? do i actually love him or is it just infatuation?? if the latter is true, then what i can do to end it? is the fact that i haven’t yet gotten over him yet because maybe he actually loves me too but we just pretend we don’t love each other? but then we sort of do right? i mean, we talk and we laugh and we look out for each other and we support each other and we always have each other’s bachs/backs … so in what way isn’t it love? is love about making something “official” like we tell each other “ok we are going out now, we are in love and i love you”. does love only become relevant when that is said and established? what can his feelings be for me if he’s read half of my personal diary and still talks to me and treats me the way he always has? if i love him, can he love me too? how can i know if he does? am i just being blind to his love? is it simply that i don’t know how he loves? am i scared to believe maybe he loves me?