Hello from SA (but really rambling about love).

I’ve been in South Africa with the family since Wednesday. We have been travelling along the Garden Route since, it is a beautiful region of the country, quite lush and green, with many indigenous forests. I love the rural atmosphere of the places we have been staying at, because I generally love nature. Often while driving, we pass through posh suburbs, with many huge, well-kept houses (some even appear to be mansions). And one or two streets away, you see the slums, these neighbourhood of cabins made of wood, stacked pretty much one on top of the other. The contrast between rich and poor is visible, and it is saddening for someone like me, someone who lives in a country where there is more equality.

I think occasionally about XXX, for the main reason that he was born in SA, except in a town some 400k’s away. But I do think that someone’s country of origin can reveal a lot about their personality or character, or at least it tells a part of their story. I would love to visit the place he spent the first ten years of his life in. Perhaps him and I could go there one day!

I think occasionally about the keyboard player from the hotel, too. Perhaps I should give him a nickname. We have XXX, Cutie Pie, YYY … so maybe I can call him …. JJJ. Ok, so that is his blog pseudoname! I have thought many varied thoughts about him. Since my last post, a lot has happened. Mainly, he has definitely and officially lost his job at the hotel for talking to me after work on work premises. It came to us as a shock and unjust consequence to what we had been doing that night (just talking). My sister and I even spoke to the manager, and later my mum also chatted to him, but he insisted he would not give second chances. I am to this day still grieved by the unexpected and sour turn of events, especially because JJJ is one of the kindest, loveliest, happiest person I know and he does not deserve such a harsh punishment.

We spoke until 2am the morning I was to leave Mauritius, and we mostly told each other our feelings for one another. In fact I am still not sure whether or not I love him, but I can say for sure I am happy to know him, and there are many things I appreciate and admire about him. We spoke again two nights ago for twenty minutes or so. I am certain we will keep in touch over the course of this year – I mean, we did last year, so why would this year be any different? It should even be better because I will actually make an effort this time.

I think also about Cutie Pie, every once in a while. He isn’t in my thoughts as often because we are not as often in touch. But I received an email from him this morning, so today he’s been on my mind a lot … I suggested to him we go down South for a long week-end in April and he said it sounded great. So I have been asking myself questions about this possible trip. We would go just alone, it would be so exciting. But in terms of accomodation, would we be able to share a hotel room? A hotel BED? Perhaps that wouldn’t be quite right …

Finally, I think a lot about love, what does it mean to be in love? What does it mean to love? If someone asked me, “who do you love?” I wouldn’t quite know what to say. Romantically speaking, I love the three guys I wrote about just above. Is it a crime to love three guys at once? I want to kiss them all, I want to be their most trusted friend, I think so very highly of them, and they all mean so much to me, in one way or another. I love them for different reasons … Yet if I love all three, perhaps it simply means I don’t truly love any one of them. Sometimes, everybody is the same as nobody. Perhaps to me personally it doesn’t matter so much, if I love truly, and who I love truly.

But it would matter to them surely. Imagine if JJJ asked me, “do you love me?” and I replied with, “yes, along with two other guys”. I am not certain he would appreciate the answer – he would probably not understand it. If someone told me the same, I would probably not feel as loved, although now that I understand that love comes in many forms, and is felt in different ways, perhaps it wouldn’t be such a problem to me.

The sun is setting and the air is cooling. I am at the reception of the place we are staying at; it is only at the reception there is wi-fi. XXX hasn’t replied to any of my messages, and I was hoping to speak to JJJ this evening but he hasn’t yet come online. But I will send both of them a post card, and I have been writing JJJ a letter. Also I plan on sending him a few gifts for Valentine’s Day. XXX and I will definitely see each other once I get back home, not only does he want to start having regular rehearsals with me again, but he suggested we go to the beach. It’s been nearly a year since XXX and I last slept together. I wonder if he remembers – oh I’m sure he would – then I wonder if he ever thinks of it. I can tell you, those nights bring a bittersweet smile to my face.

“The things we do for love … the things that happen because of it!”

feelings are just bloody weird.

Following on from my last post …

The keyboard player and drummer, with whom my older sister and I had hang out with until the wee hours of morning on Saturday, have been banned from coming to work for having stayed with us after work on hotel grounds. It is ridiculous, we were doing nothing but talking to each other. Yesterday I felt sick all day knowing that because of some innocent thing we’d done both of them might be very close to losing their job. My older sister and I attempted to speak to someone from the managing team, who said everything was fine and they’d be allowed to come back but something felt odd about him so we’ll try to speak to someone else today. How crazy is all this, seriously …

Last night, if all had gone well, they would have been playing music with the rest of the band. Obviously though, they weren’t there, but they decided to come over to pick us up and we’d go somewhere different. They picked us up at half past midnight or so. I got in the keyboard player’s car while my sister went in the drummer’s car and we drove off.

I felt, I don’t know, a little awkward maybe, because it was such a ridiculous situation. Also, I felt so exhausting because I had barely slept the night before and here we were going out again and I guess I just wanted to sleep.

We went to a beach but stayed inside the car and talked for a bit. The drummer and my sister parked a few meters away from us, it was funny to be “together” but not really.

As expected, the keyboard player eventually started kissing me. And it was obvious he wanted more than just kissing.

You know what, I don’t even know how I was feeling about the whole thing. Why was it that just the night before I was enjoying myself immensely just holding his hand, and last night something felt incredibly different? Was it simply fatigue? I have no idea how I feel about him. Maybe everything was just a little rushed? I’m confused. I kissed him back but eventually I told him I would rather we not go all the way … I hate having to say that to someone who sends me very strong vibes that he wants me … isn’t it so awkward? I felt a little ashamed and terrified of his reaction but he said he totally respected that, respected me, so phew.

So we snuggled up and talked about a myriad of things until, at 3.30am, we drove back to the hotel. Kissed each other good-night.

I’m not sure why I didn’t want to have sex. Maybe it was a variety of reasons. One I was so tired. Two we were in a bloody car, sure it could have been sexy but also fairly awkward. Three my older sister and the drummer were in the car next to us!!!! Four I am still lightly on my period. Four – am I attracted to him enough? I think not. Five, it just didn’t feel right. Not sure if by that I mean the timing, or the person. It just didn’t feel right.

He’s so sweet and kind though, in a way he deserves it. I guess what I mean is that he is a good enough person in my opinion to have sex with. But of course I respect myself enough to follow my own feelings and sense of rightness. Last night just didn’t call for it.

It made me think about XXX. Probably wrong to compare the two experiences but nevertheless … I still remember the first night XXX slept over at my place. I was also on my period so we didn’t go all the way but man, if I hadn’t been we totally would have. What’s weird is that I hadn’t known XXX for that long, maybe a month – maybe even less. And while for me sleeping with someone I’ve only know for about a month is quite soon, it didn’t feel that rushed.

This morning I sent XXX a message on FB and we chatted for a bit. I got a bit of a knot in my throat. Chatting to him made me realise actually I miss him quite a fair bit. If I miss him it probably means I love him. Evidently we chatted about music, his plans for our CD and everything, it’s all so exciting. I’m going to tell him everything about my adventures as well. XXX feels a bit like home to me, really. I wish he were here and we could talk. But there’s FB and Skype!!!

Moral of the story is that feelings are very weird, unexplainable, there is no logic, no predictability to how we might feel about a particular situation or person.

love (and complications) in the air ..

Well how some things turn out to be!!!

So this past week every time the band was playing at the hotel I would stay until the very end of their show, because damn they’re good and they’re my friends and I love them all so much that I would regret not spending time with them. The keyboard player had for an unknown reason taken a liking to me, chatting me up on FB and in general being very attentive and sweet towards me in person. The thing is I started liking him back – or should i say appreciating him … mostly because he was being so kind and lovely towards me. So we’d talk every time after he had finished work for a little bit. He is just very easy to talk to and really fun to be around.

Last night he drove in to work (usually everyone in the band gets driven to/from work by a bus driver) so that he could stay for however long he wanted after work. So once he was all packed up, we went for a small walk around the hotel, and sat on a chair on the beach. The moon was right in front of us, it was a beautiful sight. We talked about plenty of things. When we felt a few raindrops we found a new spot where to sit, until the drummer came up to us and said they had to go move their car (apparently they cannot stay infinitely at the hotel). So off they left, after we’d agreed that we (my older sister and I) would meet them at the main gate, and we’d go to the beach.

So we met the two musicians at the main gate of the hotel. My older sister got into the drummer’s car (she may have a bit of a crush on him), and I went in my friend’s car evidently. We drove to a beach five, ten minutes away. Found a place to park. And then sat in the car and talked some more. Literally spent some two hours speaking in the car, for it was about 3am when we got going to head back to the hotel. It was sooo cool and nice, and just really awesome to become even better acquainted with him.

I don’t really know how it happened though but eventually we were also holding hands, and I sort of liked it, I don’t know. He said things between us had changed tonight – not that I disagreed – but I didn’t like where he was going, which was what would happen next? I am here until Wednesday morning, then I will be away for another year. I promised we’ll keep in touch and I’d write him letters, but I cannot promise anything more than that.

I don’t even know myself what the hell it is we have going on. Yeah I like him, definitely as a friend, but romantically? I don’t know. Yet I liked holding his hands, and touching him, and I would like it if he held me. Would I do anymore than that with him? Probably … not? But he tried to kiss me last night, and it was awkward because my sister was right there watching us and I felt uncomfortable. Also he is shorter than me, so it is pretty awkward. lol.

So I have no idea what’s going on or how I should handle the situation. I don’t want him to think we’re gonna start a relationship because there’s no way it could ever work … All I know for sure is that it felt really right to be with him last night, and it isn’t something I regret, or that I ever will regret. But I guess I am not sure what is right anymore. I hope my inner voice will tell me when the time to take a decision comes. My philosophy is that we can, and should, simply appreciate the limited time we have together, but move on afterwards. Perhaps I will just have to tell him as clearly and as convincingly as I can.

not all guys are dicks (lol)

Actually most guys I’ve met and dealt with were good and nice, there was one however that actually was a bit of a dick, and I happened to be in touch with him for something like four years … it’s funny how one bad experience with one guy impacts our opinions of virtually all other guys … except I tried not to turn all bitter after my experience with said dick guy.

ANYWAY point of the post is to say, some guys are REALLY nice so if you’re going through a bad patch with a man, don’t give up, and remember there are better fish out there I swear.

Just remembering the guy last week at my gig who helped me so kindly and selflessly with my instrument. He was just SO NICE. Definitely gave me back my faith in guys, lol.

Also here at the hotel, I have definitely taken a strong liking to the keyboard player, probably because he is giving me so much attention (and I deserve it, lol). But even his attention is of the good kind. Like, he is probably being flirty (my older sister said it was so OBVIOUS that he was flirting with me) but it’s not in the creepy flirty way. He’s actually being so sweet and respectful and nice!!! Last night the band was playing and during the interval I went up to him to hand him a note I had written, and he gave me back a CD I had lent him, then we went outside for a chat. We talked about various things, he could even remember things I had said on chat sometime last year (and I couldn’t even remember saying them, lol). He was asking me all these questions, and asking if I was going well, and how my day had gone, omg it was SO NICE! He had to go back on stage to play but after the show we danced together a bit. He is actually shorter than me so it is funny, and four nights ago (the first time we danced together since last year) I felt a bit awkward and shy but I definitely felt more comfortable yesterday and I think it is just because he is being so respectful of me. So I am really thankful for that.

After the dancing we found a table and talked a bit more. As he is a musician we have parallel careers, playing music for weddings for example. I also have loads of questions to ask him, and the thing is that he is so easy to talk to! And I actually crack jokes around him … AND he actually laughs!!! Like, he gets my very very lame sense of humour!!! Eventually we had to say good-bye so we kissed each other on the cheeks (French way) but then we also hugged each other (Australian way).

Anyway what I find strange is that he was at the hotel last year but I don’t remember so well what happened. All throughout last year he’d chat to me on FB and I didn’t think much of it, sometimes I didn’t even reply (I’m such a bad person). But this year I don’t know it’s like … now I actually do consider him my friend, I guess that is what has changed. And I will never not reply to his messages again and I will write him some letters this year, he is just a very cool person!

He is actually a fairly simple person and he’s smiling like, all of the time. Also he is so funny and incredibly easy to speak to (as I have said before). Oh yeah and yesterday he was taking such good care of me. As we arrived at the table at the bad he actually pulled out the chair for me (what even, guys still do that???!!!), and when it started pouring and he had to go move his instrument out of the rain he put his hand on my shoulder and said he’d be right back … also he said he liked my dress and that he liked my make-up … but today he said I am beautiful with or without make-up, and that anyway he likes my simplicity. WOOHOO a guy who appreciates who I ACTUALLY am.

Maybe one of the reasons I’ve become so attached to him in so little time is because he actually IS giving me attention … whereas it feels like everyone else at the hotel prefers my older or younger sister … because they are way more outgoing than I am. So it feels like I am in the shadows a lot of the time, but hey, he saw me!!!! He must have good eye-sight, lol. Not only that but I think he actually sort of understands me and appreciates my personality. I feel everything he says is very genuine. I just have a good vibe about/around him.

And as I’ve said before I find it awesome that he’s totally respectful of my space. Some guys you know, just start flirting too quickly, too soon, too obviously, that it ends up being creepy. But I think because he has that bit of understanding of me he’s happy to just let things happen. Like Saturday night at the night club we danced a little bit together, but not much. However last night we were nearly always dancing together. So he’s not being pushy on me or whatever, and I actually really appreciate that.

So yeah that is my story (so far) and it was just to illustrate that there are very decent guys out there.

Holiday post 1

These holidays are going pretty damn weird if you ask me. I am here in Mauritius with my whole family (mum, dad, older and younger sister). I had expected there’d be issues with my younger sister and unsurprisingly it’s been hellish with her ever since the beginning and this morning, she and I just had a fight. What about? Basically she is on her phone ALL the time taking photos of herself, and sometimes she asks us to take photos of her (to send to her friends on Snapchat or to post on Instagram). It’s ANNOYIng as hell. And I mean she takes a selfie ALL the time, wherever she goes … And then she’s only being nice to us when she asks us to take a photo of her. The rest of the time she is moody, aggressive and mean. So this morning she was wearing a see-through dress sort of thing and she asked me to take a photo of her. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath the dress so I was feeling icky taking a photo where you could see her butt, so I refused. The argument started from there. I said I don’t stand for those sorts of things, and she called me, oh well, I don’t know, but we were yelling at each other and it just wasn’t nice.

Anyway, phones and selfies make me sick. She is so obsessed by her appearance and by her social media presence. Is that what life is really about? Of course not.

So I am in a foul mood because of that, as expected. I just feel so used by her and I have been so … Compliant? with her all throughout (because let me tell you, I also want to enjoy my holiday, which means not spending 10min everywhere taking a photo of someone). But today I just decided to be assertive and stand up for myself and let my opinions known (something I am not used to doing).

But enough of that. I don’t want to dwell on it. Right now I am listening to a play back of the show XXX did on the radio yesterday. To my delight, three of the tracks he picked had harp in them, so he must have been thinking of me! Yay! lol. He even messaged me to let me know. He can be sweet sometimes.

The best part of my trip is the band that plays four nights a week at the hotel. They have been playing at the hotel since … well, at least 2013 (the first time we went to the hotel). So this is the third year I see them, and we are great friends! They always invite me to perform a song, either with them, or by myself (I accompany myself on the keyboard). The keyboard player is so nice to me, he is always chatting to me on FB and he’s always smiling at me, it is so nice … They are all such nice people though they sort of feel like family to me and I come to the hotel pretty much to see them.

The other night, I performed Adele’s “All I Ask” at the bar., by myself. So I was performing and then out of the corner of my right eye, I see a bright little light, so I turn my head in its direction and I see the keyboard player is actually filming me with his smart phone. lol. Sneaky!!!! But apparently they might listen to the recording a few times so that next time I can sing and be accompanied by everyone in the band!!! 😀 Aren’t they just so nice!!! Also the same night, after their gig was over my older sister and I went to the nightclub with the keyboard player and one of the singer. We just danced for a bit and it was so fun! They even said we should all go out to a proper nightclub somewhere else.

So that’s all from me, I think I’ve said enough …

kindness

On Monday morning I had a gig – first one of the year! I have played for heaps of weddings in the past, and I’ve performed with orchestras too, but Monday was a completely different story. I was playing for the memorial service of an old lady who had passed away earlier in the month. I was called only three days prior to the gig and they asked me a few requests, which I thought wasn’t very fair considering I only had two full days to work on the music. Nevertheless, I did my best and actually managed to get all their requests up to playable standard (thanks Internet).

Anyway, the service itself went well. I had been told to play through the entire service sort of in the background, but the priest eyed me for a long time after 5mins so I thought I should stop … so I started to play again during the family members’ eulogies, as they were all fairly emotional (unsurprisingly) and I thought maybe a bit of music would help them along. So it was a very good experience actually and I quite enjoyed myself.

But I want to briefly write about the guy there (obviously, lol). In short: he was the KINDEST guy ever. For a long of gigs I have had to pay for parking (which is soooo not fair). But Monday morning I happened to arrive exactly at the same time as the guy (who had been the one to call me and ask me if I could do the gig). First thing he did? He paid for my parking! I thought that was pretty generous. He helped me get my instrument out of the car and even wheeled it across to the parlour himself (usually I don’t let people move my harp but he seemed gentle with it). Actually that’s the thing. I’ve had a lot of people help me with the harp but so many don’t seem to CARE for the instrument and just rush through it, but he was just SOOOO gentle and kind.

We got to the spot where I had to set up so he put the harp down and I thought I’d take it all from there. But no! He helped unpack the harp by taking parts of the covers off. I was so pleasantly surprised, he was being so generous and helpful! After the service he came up to me and told me the music had been beautiful. And then he walked away and I started packing my music up, but two seconds later he came ack with my harp cover and again helped me pack up. He also wheeled the harp back to my car, and helped me getting it in the car. Now when that was done I thought he’d go but I still had my music stand outside the car so he took it and asked me where he could put it. Like in my opinion he went wayyyyy beyond himself and wayyyyyy beyond what I had asked him!!! I thought that was SO NICE, you know?? So refreshing.

So we said good-bye outside my car, we shook hands but I stepped forward and hugged him because after all he had just lost someone he loves so a little bit of love from a stranger won’t kill, will it? I told him “hang in there” and he went “all the best”.

And so that was my exchange with him. I thought I’d write about it because I just wanted to remember his kindness and just how he did so many things that were helpful without being asked to. He made me think that I would really like to marry someone like that. It’s interesting just how much little actions like that say so much about a person. Indeed it is better to do many small acts of kindness as often as you can, than to do one big act of kindness unfrequently. I’m a huge one for kindness and so whenever I meet someone who is unusually kind I think very highly of them. So it was a bit of an interesting meeting for me actually. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense but I guess the point I’m trying to make is that he did so much more than the minimum, when the average person would do the minimum. I just wish I could get to know him better but … he lives so far away. At least I have his number ….

movie time!

So the past few days my friend and I had been talking about going to the movies tonight. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend so to make it sort of like a double date I told XXX about it and he’d seemed keen I think. Except earlier today he said he probably shouldn’t go to the movies. I was disappointed but at the same time, what else can you expect from him. That is exactly why I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. And also why I’ve stopped thinking he likes me anymore than as a friend.

XXX and I agreed to go for a walk this afternoon and he rocked up at 4pm. We spent the first hour at home actually, listening to the recording of our CD and congratulating each other, and laughing at each other’s mistakes, commenting on our performance. After listening to a few tracks, he happily hugged me sort of time that I instantly felt turned on. And almost as instantly I thought, “noooooooooooo, I HAVE to move on from him! And feeling turned on really shouldn’t happen!” Why are friendships with guys so difficult??? Well maybe I should just make friends with an UGLY guy but for some reason I always make friends with the good-looking ones …………!

We also had tea with my parents and at 5:15pm we finally set off on our walk. We walked around the block and as we had a bit more time we went to the golf course. There wasn’t anyone playing golf so we sat down on a patch of grass and stared at the landscape in front of us (“love isn’t about looking at each other, it’s about looking together in the same direction”, St-Exupéry once said …). We spoke a bit about birds and XXX also said this should be “our spot”. So I guess it is, since we’ve claimed it now (lol). But that was a pretty romantic thing for him to say! :O lol. We returned back to the house around 6:10pm because my friend was picking me up to go to the movies. As we walked through the front door I was telling XXX how I’m so glad I am not like my sister, because she takes 1h to put her make-up before she goes out. XXX looked back at me and said, “you don’t need it” [make-up]. He said it so casually and yet I just know he means it!!! That makes me think he likes me … a bit …

My friend was running ten minutes late, so we went in my room. I was a bit worried that XXX might see the sign I had put up on the wall (about him not being good enough for me), but I don’t think he could actually READ it since his eye-sight is so bad, lol. We played a bit of music and then I brought up the movies and asked him if he could come. He said he couldn’t but I pushed it, and I even tossed a coin. Actually the coin said he shouldn’t come but I pretended it had said otherwise. XXX didn’t resist and he ended up coming! 😀 WIN. And yes I’m supposed to get over him but I sort of am! It’s not because I take him out to the movies that I’m in love with him, right?!

So my friend had also brought along her parents and all five of us headed to the movies. My friend’s boyfriend was already there. We met him and then went to buy tickets but the cinema was full. We consequently went to a different cinema not too far but same story. In the end we headed back to our original suburb and picked the 8.30pm session. As it was only 7.30pm ish we had a bit of time. XXX and I were starving so we went to Grill’d (YAY) while the others went to San Churros. So in the end it felt like a date with XXX, LOL. But actually we’ve been to Grill’d plenty of times just the two of us so it’s not really a date.

He opted for the “Baa Baa” lamb burger (that’s what it’s actually called) and I dared him to order it making the sound of a sheep. I even filmed him, lol. 😛 We also got a bottle of apple cider each because WHY NOT. We sat down opposite each other and then the food arrived and we ate and had a lot of us! We also got the avocado chips!!! So we had such a great time at Grill’d, it went so quickly, too! I told him about my really cool idea, which is one day him and I will order Grill’d take-away and eat it at “our spot” in the golf course! He said we could also eat it at the lake (he really likes the lake). So these are future eating out plans 😉 as friends!

Once all the eating and drinking was done we joined the others in the cinema. Of course I sat next to XXX. Movie happened. Then we got back in the car. Oh yeah in the car we were squashed in the back seats, and his leg was so warm!!!! And also he was trying to put his seat-belt on and I was holding the thing and I was telling him, “it’s here, it’s here” but he was fumbling with the other one and anyway then he clicked his seat-belt in and he’s like, “were you trying to touch my butt?” and I laughed (oh, only he would say such a dumb thing), and said, “ewwwww why would I touch your butt???”, pretending to be grossed out which was hilarious because we both sort of know how much I want him (wantED him) … lol. We are really the dumbest people ever when we are together!

My friend dropped me off home and XXX came in very briefly to take a copy of the CD, and then we said good-bye. As I’m going on my holiday tomorrow this was the last time I saw him before I get back on February 4th. We hugged each other and, while hugging him, I thought, “I’ll miss you”. But I didn’t say it. Because I was too busy thinking to myself, “did I really think that?” I feel like this was sort of the first time that I thought “I’ll miss you” so ….. naturally? Like it just popped out of the blue. I wasn’t expecting it. So it sort of took me by surprise.

WOOHOO so it is nearly midnight and I really have to sleep, tomorrow is a HUGE day. Wake up, finish packing up all my things, off to a gig (a memorial service), come back home and then off to the airport!!!