meh.

How was everyone’s new year’s eve? Fun? Did you celebrate with special people? Good.

Mine was …. pretty boring. I was actually in a shit mood and felt in too shit a mood to get out of that mood. On my last day of 2016 I felt bitter and angry towards XXX because 1) he hadn’t invited me to the new year’s eve party he was attended and 2) he didn’t even reply to my message asking if I could come (yes I asked if I could go).

I spent the whole day at home reading books and doing nothing. At night time two of my mum’s friends came over and we just had a long dinner. I was the only young person because my younger sister had gone to a huge party and my older sister was celebrating in the house she is pet-sitting in. She had invited me but I couldn’t be bothered going because it was far and I’d have to drive home afterwards and I didn’t feel up for that. So ok, a bit of my fault I was stuck at home with no friends.

My mum’s friend (who had celebrated Christmas eve with us) asked about my friend XXX, and when I told her he hadn’t invited me she told me he really wasn’t good enough and that it was just mean. To tell you the whole story by the way, this is how it went: last week at Christmas XXX asked my parents about NYE and he said he’d love to come. Over the course of last week I asked him to confirm with me he was still coming. That’s when he said he couldn’t anymore because his parents were doing something. And that is all he said. I had HOPED he’d invite me – isn’t that the LEAST he could have done? – but no, nothing came. I’m pretty disappointed to be honest. Even if I might have said no it would still have been nice.

So sometimes last night I felt a bit sad about XXX because I realised that just really meant he doesn’t actually love me and that he obviously thinks VERY LITTLE of me. Great realisation. I had thought of messaging him a “Happy new year” message right at midnight but I decided against it; I felt he didn’t deserve it. (However I texted my little Cutie Pie).

Right before I went to bed I wrote on a large sheet of paper my 2017 mantra: “XXX is not good enough and I deserve someone better, more thoughtful and selfless.” I have put it up in my room. Gonna see it everyday. Gonna think it every day. Change starts with attitude. Attitude starts with thoughts.

Today I’ve just feeling the average anger. I want to have a big rant about him in front of him. Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t even wished me a happy new year. But we’ve agreed to catch up tomorrow. I have to admit it is one of the first times I am actually NOT that excited to see him. I’m sick of him. I’m over everything.

Seriously I sent him a message earlier this week, maybe on Monday or Tuesday, and asked if we could go for a walk, because I felt so down and upset. Well he didn’t have ANY time at all for me. And then he says he’s here for me and he’s got my back. Well I’m sorry, that isn’t good ENOUGH for me. Coz now I am not upset anymore, I got over it ON MY OWN. Without your stupid friendship. I don’t need it, I do really fine on my own you see.

And then I hate it when he says he’s busy but then I see he’s posting videos on Facebook. Ok it is on his artist page (so it’s career-related) but still – your FB presence is more important than taking care of me? Jeeeeeeez I see how high a priority I am. Nope, I don’t like this at ALL. You don’t REALLY care for me. If you do, SHOW it to me better coz right now you are really NOT convincing me.

And anyway, just the fact that I’ve pretty much been in love with him all of last year and he hasn’t made a move on me nor made any of his feelings known shows it’s obviously the last thing on his mind. Either he loves me, either he doesn’t. Time doesn’t mean anything. So if he doesn’t love me now, he never will.

And that doesn’t make me as sad as it had once because I realise the way he is treating me right now is the way he would always treat me if we were dating and honestly, I deserve better. Especially considering all I have given and done for him. Maybe I sound up myself but if there is one thing I know, it is what I am made up of, and how good of a person I am (mainly because I do almost everything with so much awareness). With XXX I have been extraordinarily patient and just stupidly kind all of the time, and SO giving (even giving my money), supportive …. oh, and also forgiving, because in fact he disappointed me and hurt me quite often (but that was mostly when he was depressed, so it was easier to forgive).

So no, I don’t really want his love anymore, and his friendship, well, I can live without it I think, considering the only times I really need him, he doesn’t bother to make the effort to be there. He always arrives too late, when all my negative feelings have gone.

Ever since Christmas we have barely been in touch, he makes absolutely no effort keeping in touch with me. He doesn’t even invite me anywhere. It’s like, unless I organise something or say something, he won’t do anything. Well that’s it, I’m DONE fighting. From now on I am handing over the friendship to him and he can decide what to do with it. I’ve had enough of being too good of a person and get so little in return. It’s not good enough. It’s not fair.

The one thing that embarrasses me is that we were supposedly friends, and that means unconditional love right? So as a friend, I should really not expect anything from him. Nor should I ask for it. So does that make all the feelings described above valid? Justifiable? Am I right or wrong, in feelings the things I do? Can any love be unconditional anyway? Can we be selfless givers without getting anything in return, like that, always, all the time?

So I am seeing him tomorrow, we’re going to the beach after lunch. Nothing fancy. We’re gonna have a chat and I HOPE I will be strong enough to be assertive and tell him one thing or two. I think I might tell him I don’t want to see him anymore for a while. Good thing is that I’m going away anyway so at least that’ll be a bit of distance. But I’m definitely going to take a step back from all this stupid thing with him. If I’m not that important to him there’s no need for me to make him so important to me. It’s his problem if he loses me. Meh.

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