great day!!!

Today was such a cool day!!!
I didn’t mind so much that I had to get up at 7am – because I was going to uni with XXX!! 😀 He is doing a unit in chamber music and has asked me to be the second (and only) member of his chamber ensemble. Of COURSE I accepted, even if it means waking up early on Mondays and having to step onto the campus again …
He arrived at quarter to eight at my house and off we went, hit the freeway. As it was peak time there was quite a lot of traffic, but we managed to get there on time. Usually chamber music starts at 9am but as today is the first day of the semester, the class wasn’t on. So XXX and I just went to a practice room and began rehearsing.
At 10am he had to leave for the school of music meeting, and he came back near 11am. We rehearsed some more until we felt so hungry that we went off to have lunch.
The music students’ society had done a sausage sizzle so XXX got two sausages (he hadn’t brought any lunch with him!). In fact we made a whole deal of it. He was like, “do you want some of my sausage? Have my sausage” (of course, just saying dirty jokes …). lol. But that’s just who we are, you know!
We walked back to his car as he had to move it because of the parking time restriction. We decided to eat somewhere in the shade, so we sat on grass near the road.
I had actually managed to prepare a salad in the morning in like five minutes and the plan was that it was mine. But, seeing my best friend/crush/love with only two sausages (half of one I’d eaten because he hadn’t liked it), I decided to share my salad with him. Good thing I had brought two forks. I suggested I make us lunch every week from now on (seriously). However, as we had only one salad to share, both of us felt pretty hungry still once we’d finished. So we went to the French café we had gone to last week, and share a crêpe, which by the way was sooo good.
As we walked out of the French café and back towards uni, XXX asked me what I thought of the waitress – who, unsurprisingly, was French. I actually hadn’t paid that much attention to her but he had found her hot. So I said I thought the waiter was pretty handsome (even though I hadn’t paid SO much attention to him either). lol I just love our conversations sometimes!
Back at uni we practiced again just because we could, and at 2pm he went off to choir. But of course choir wasn’t on! So we went to the library to check our emails quickly, and then decided to go home. It was about 2.30pm.
We walked to his car and then – adventure! XXX couldn’t find his car keys anywhere. Not in his bag, not in his pockets, not in his guitar case. They were GONE. So I stayed near his car with his guitar and bag while he went back to uni to look for his keys in the library and the practice room. 10mins he came back, still without them!!! We were getting worried. The only two places the keys could be were on the grass where we’d eaten our salad, or the French place. So off he went to have a look. JOY OF JOY he FOUND the keys on the GRASS!!!!! What a relief!!!! (But seriously, only THAT would happen with XXX!!)
We got in the car and XXX suggested we go through his favourite suburb – just like we’d done last week. It made us laugh because last week we’d end up at the lake, kissing … but I said, “yeah let’s go”, so we went. Actually we did go to the lake again this time. And I would have loved for what happened last week, to happen again today. It would have been better this week! We just went for a BIG walk – as I don’t have a watch and I hadn’t taken my phone with me, I had no idea of time, but soon it was 20 past 4 and we had to get going home!
But let me tell you how nice our walk at the park was. We talked about children. He asked me at what age I think I would like to have a child. I am serious! And I said I first of all would like to make sure I can live on my own before I have kids, so I would be at least 22 or 23 before I have a kid, but it would probably be a little later than that. And it also depends on work. We talked about raising children and how he’d make them learn a musical instrument and how he’d probably end up being a dad who tries to be cool but really isn’t. It’s just funny you know talking to your favourite person about having children and raising children. It didn’t make me feel awkward at all. I just wondered if every girl-boy friendship out there discussed about these things.
In fact whenever we go through that particular suburb XXX tries to convince me how good of a suburb it is. He says that EVERYTHING is nearby – may it be the city, another suburb we both like, a good public school, a good concert venue, the university, the beach … all are 10minutes away. Plus, there is a lake! (And we both happen to love lakes). I’m seriously wondering who else he’s told all his future goals and plans and hopes to – I feel I may be th only one!!! What an honour!!!
Eventually we got back in the car and made our way home. I grew incredibly pensive on the way home. I was thinking here I was learning so much about him and having a glimpse into his future, or at least, I have an understanding of what he wants his future to be. And I was thinking how maybe he will get a girlfriend who isn’t me, and together they will experience all these things that XXX tells me about, and shows me!!! I sort of felt SAD!!!! And I just wanted to touch him lovingly, to put my hand on his hand, when he was holding the gearstick. Or just to cup his face into my hands and say, “I think you’re a bit lame sometimes but man you are so interesting and great and I love you no matter what”. But I can’t DO IT!!!!
He put on this CD of a guitarist accompanying a singer. The singer had this mellow voice, and we listened to it in silence for the most part. Then he briefly turned his face to look at me and went, “do you want to go see them live?”
omg :’) I could have cried.
Also I thought about sex and friendship and marriage. How in some friendships, sex ruins it or whatever, makes the whole thing a tad awkward. But it’s really not like that with us. Our friendship is just the awesomest thing in the world!! And I thought how sometimes people are scared to date a friend because it would ruin the friendship but again I thought about it and I thought how dating XXX would strengthen our friendship even more!!! (if that is possible).
But then I felt sad because I thought, well maybe we’ll never really be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely happy with the current state of things – they have never been so good. But – will we ever be more? When you get to know someone so well, to share so many things together, even just as friends? Will there ever be more?

letter to bff before sleep.

dearest bestie,

i’m actually so excited about seeing you … later today (i’m sorry, it is twenty past midnight). i should actually sleep right now, tomorrow i am going to have huge eye-bags – and are we actually going to take a video of us playing music, to upload on our page? we do have to do it. omg i can’t wait, it’s going to be so much fun, i can’t wait to see you being blonde in front of the camera! although it will probably be me being the blonde one.
you know what the hell, my feelings for you are even stronger than before. i am not kidding. i think these past few weeks you have been much more communicative than ever before, and so plain honest, that i can’t help but like you all the more for it. how nice it is, to know exactly how you feel about me, and how you feel about everything! how nice it is to know you actually do consider me your best friend, and that we tell each other every little thing!
i’ve always known our friendship was a bit weird and very special. time just seems to confirm that. speaking of time, it’ll be two years of our friendship, come july. what should we do to celebrate? go to grill’d like we always do?! lol. and talk about religion and politics and music and the future and our goals, and also laugh at each other and talk about poop. seriously, what is up with us, aren’t we so lame. oh but how you get me! you know me inside out.
it’s cool also how we can be friends with benefits when we feel like it. although you know i would be your friend with benefit a lot more often 😉 no but actually that is probably a bad idea. i hope i understand your reasons for not dating; they mostly have to do with you wanting to be independent and healthy, don’t they? they don’t have much to do with me? i wonder if you’ll consider a relationship with me in the future. on this matter, can i ask a question you have asked me before? will you keep seeing me when you start a romantic relationship with someone else?
i mean, that’s what i don’t get, right. how could we date anyone else but each other? i am your best friend and you are mine! you are pretty much a member of my family and i feel pretty comfortable with yours. would you truly be bothered to build another friendship like ours with someone else? i know your flaws and your weaknesses and i know your secrets, i know what you don’t like and i know what you love. the friendship we have, no, i don’t think you will easily find it with anyone else.
yet i stay open-minded and curious. maybe it is possible, i cannot know for sure until we start a relationship, or until i meet someone. it’s just that right now you seem like the most evident of choices for a relationship; i mean, i do love you after all, even though you drink coffee too often and you have a bit of a chubby tummy. you have a nice nose and nice lips and a gorgeous smile (i have always said this), and apart from your looks, i guess you have a great sense of humour, and a clear direction for your future.
but i have to say, i have always really enjoyed what we are when we are together. it’s the magic of a very true and real connection. how we just become more than the sum of our parts, so to speak. you know what i mean? we bring out the best of each other, i guess. and it just feels like together there is a lot we can do, so much more than we can do on our own. i really like that. it’s like we are a power unit, or a power team sort of thing. do you get that? lifting each other up individually but at the same time it is our friendship that gets lifted up, too.
i can’t express how much love is in my heart for everything about us and everything about you. this was a lame attempt at explaining it. it wasn’t as poop as it could have been, right? i forget this is a blog post and now am just typing as if you would reply to me on Facebook. oh man, even our fb convos are so damn lame and hilarious. seriously are we ever serious and mature? nope. never. well, we are mature for like 1% of the time – enough for us!! lol.
ok well it’s time i sleep so i will see you in ….. 15hours (yay!). can’t wait. you rock, you are awesome, thank you for everything, may the universe bless you and keep you safe, and may it bring to you the scholarships you applied for coz i’d be so thrilled for you if you got them. hope you’re sleeping tight (i’m assuming you’re asleep right now?), have beautiful dreams of harp and guitar music taking over the world (i.e. us).
with love always, always and always,
– E.

with love from your best friend.

we both fell quiet. what could i say, for all i could think about was kissing you?
“what are you thinking about?” you asked. “secret?”
you must have been reading my mind.
“yes, it’s a secret”, i said.

* * *

“you know what?” you asked, a few minutes of silence later.
“no, i don’t know what …” i replied, vaguely. “i don’t like guessing games …”
you were looking at me, a sort of smile on your lips. you blinked a couple of times. i sat and waited for you to say something.
“can i kiss you?”

you had been thinking the same thing as i all this time …

* * *

and our lips, after over a year apart, finally met each other again. you tasted of coffee. i wanted to laugh. i wanted to smile. i was kissing you finally, finally, you my best friend, who had wanted to kiss me too! but – as there always has to be a but – how much of your touch and of your kisses was love? how could i trust that this was something you would not regret later on? how could i be sure you were not simply using me? oh, how i wish i could have fully let go, how i wish i could have kissed you with all the love and longing inside my body – if only i’d been sure this was genuine love, and not simply lust; that after tomorrow everything will be as they always have been, and you will never approach me again, and i am not allowed to approach, touch you.
but i gave. i gave what i could. because when you’re in love, you sort of can’t help but giving, regardless of your worries, of the dangers of getting hurt. and when you’ve been in love for a long time, and when you’ve been waiting, and when what you’ve been waiting for finally sort of happens, you just can’t resist, can’t pull away. my hands were in your hair and sometimes under your shirt, on your skin. and i liked how relaxed i felt with you, how it was fun and exciting and at the same time the most normal, sacred thing. something just so amazing about our bodies connecting – and i, i still can’t believe this really happened.

* * *

it was funny because earlier that day, when we were rehearsing, i observed you play guitar. i realised i liked your nose quite so. i thought about kissing you. thought of sleeping with you, making love to you …

* * *

and that morning i put on a dress, and didn’t put a bra on. not to look sexy, but because i hate wearing bras in the summer when the weather is hot.
i hadn’t expected the day to turn out like this at all. but it seems between actions and thoughts, we were meant to go there.

* * *

in fact something about today, before the kiss, before the everything … maybe i sensed something in you without even realising. how you suggested we go for a walk after the first hour of rehearsal, and you said you felt “contemplative”. how we talked about sex. was that a bad idea? had you already made up your mind then? no – you couldn’t have.
because when we got in the car, and i had to drive home, i could have decided to take the freeway. but i asked which way you wanted to go. because i knew there is a suburb you like driving through, and if you take the freeway, you don’t see it.
and we went to the suburb, you showed me where you would like to live, later in life. then you asked me to park the car near the lake, because you love lakes, and i agreed, because i love you showing me the places you love.
and because the lake had overflooded a bit, we took our shoes off and walked through the muddy water. gosh it was gross, but i couldn’t complain. had you made up your mind then? as we were walking through the water? it seemed you almost held out your hand to me, but i didn’t take it, i didn’t believe you could possibly want to hold my hand. and so we walked, watched out for birds, for the plants sticking up through the wooden floor boards. then we made our way back, and you suggested we go to the view point. but there were no benches, so we sat on the floor instead.
it seems everything about today led to this moment.
the moment we both fell silent, surrounded by water and tall trees and the birds that occasionally cooed and whistled.
the moment we both fell in thoughts of kissing and touching each other.

hadn’t today been a long, long time coming?

Week-end stories.

After an awfully long day of work on Friday, I was more than pleased to have XXX come over for dinner and a movie. I was in my pyjamas when he rang the door bell, it was about 7.30pm. We went into the kitchen/living area where my dad was preparing dinner, and we sat at the dining table, talking about a variety of things (I was probably complaining about how tired I was).

Over Facebook he had told me how, later in the year, he is going to be interviewing a famous guitarist by the name of Karin Schaupp, for his radio show. I found it so very cute and funny that, now that he was at my house, he decided to tell my parents about the interview. “I need to vent to someone” is what he said. I liked how he had to share his excitement about something, to share his pride, with my parents. It’s almost as if he’s considering my family, his.

We had lively conversation during dinner. In fact it wasn’t just lively, it was damn hilarious. XXX told us about his (very) embarrassing experience when he had been in Italy. Again, it was so nice how comfortable he felt sharing some stories – and just the language he was using when speaking and depicting the experiences – oh, he feels at home here, I can just feel it, hear it, see it.

After dinner I told him I had something for him, and I got him to follow me to my room, where I shared some delicious chocolates with him (that I have not shared with anybody else). My last post was about this.

We then watched a movie, a French romantic comedy, and once it was finished, he just headed back home.

On Saturday I had a gig, an outdoors wedding. On Wednesday XXX had had a gig and he’d taken both one of my music stands and all my clips. So I had to drop by to his place to pick up all my things. His mum answered the door when I rang. She hugged me and even kissed me hello! I almost couldn’t believe it. As for XXX – I don’t know if we even bothered to say hello, he just gave me my things and walked me to my car. I was there for just five minutes, but it was so nice to see him and to feel so welcomed by his mum.

Today him and I are going to a music show in the city. I’m meeting him there as he had things to do around the city this morning. So guess my surprise when the door bell rang this morning, and XXX was waiting outside! I wondered what could possibly be wrong … well, his car isn’t working quite properly and he was afraid if he drove a long distance it could break down. We looked for some coolant in the garage but couldn’t find any. I eventually suggested he takes my car, and I’ll take the train in to the city. So he left with my car and left his at mine. Oh yes and the reason he came to my house is because he was hoping my dad would be there to help him fix it. (But sadly my dad was at the beach).

I honestly could not be happier with the state of things between XXX and I. I could not remember a time when we saw each other, trusted each other, spoke to each other, as often and as honestly as we do these days. Friday was such a beautiful evening, I mean, just having him around with the family, and just being able to be home in my pyjamas was awesome. It is so absolutely refreshing to have someone like this in one’s life. XXX is truly my best friend. Also we love to call each other lame names, and to laugh at each other’s lame jokes. Yesterday he called me “lazy bones” and I called him a pig. But it’s okay, we both love it! Ah, I am so happy right now. 🙂

Sharing.

I love chocolate
but what I love more
is sharing it with you

(Literally there are SO FEW people I would share my chocolate with. Yet I seem to appreciate my chocolate more when I share it with someone important to me. Of course this doesn’t apply to just chocolate – but to anything it at all. I think it’s all about sharing that same one experience, and then sharing an agreement, or disagreement, on that particular experience. When you love someone you are very interested in their opinions and sharing is something you do, often without even thinking. Tonight when I handed him not only one, but two chocolates, I wondered at my sense of generosity (as I thought chocolate was my first love), then I realised I actually really cared that he had some to eat, and I cared for his thoughts of them as well. A simple, but meaningful and essential, practical part of love.

BFF!

Yesterday … was AWESOME!

After I got home from my gig, I started to get ready  for my “date” with XXX. He advised me to dress “smart casual” so I paired a short black skirt with a cute tank top, and my new black shoes. I also put a little make-up on. To be honest I wasn’t sure whether or not it was a date. But I thought, well I’m going out tonight, maybe I can look a little prettier than usual.

He came at 5pm and we had afternoon tea with the family, then left a little before 6pm. In the car he finally told me where he was taking me: to this concert/opera thing in the city. So we got there, parked, and went for a bit of a walk, looking for a place to eat. In the end we didn’t get anything to eat at all. We walked by the river and listened for five minutes to a guitarist who was busking. We talked about heaps of different things – how we felt about some people, what we had been up to today and since the last time we’d seen each other, we talked a bit about poop (we always do!), and we even talked a bit about Islam, and whether the wearing of the hijab is oppressive or not.

We got drinks at the concert hall and again talked some more until we had to in. We sat side by side and in front of us was this little kid, who seemed very excited, and when we asked him what his name was, he said, “Batman” (and he was wearing a Batman costume). It was the cutest thing!

Eventually the lights dimmed and the music started. The cool thing about the show was that there was both a harpist and a guitarist in the orchestra, so both him and I were satisfied! I listened rather intently. I remember a particular instant during which I realized how glad I was to be with him, and that he was the best and only person with whom I would even have gone to such an event, had I been the one to decide to go.

Which reminds me, I skipped a pretty important part. When we were walking before the concert and he told me that there was opera, I was like, “so I’m the only one of your friend who likes opera” and he went, “no, I took you because you are my special friend”. Well, I have no idea how he defines special but there we go, I am his special friend, peoples!

After the concert, we decided to get dinner (it was about 9pm and we were starving). Unfortunately, due to my new shoes I was getting blisters everywhere on my feet. Organized me had packed a pair of tights just in case, so I slipped them on in the car (I hope XXX didn’t see – he said he didn’t look! lol). XXX said that because we had the tickets to that show, we could potentially get free entry for other shows (it’s part of a big festival here) so off we left hunting for food and potential free shows. However after 300m, he realizes he doesn’t know where the tickets are. So we walk back to the car and look everywhere for the tickets, but they are nowhere to be seen. In the end I ask, “are they in your wallet?” so he stuffs his hands in his pocket to retrieve the wallet and then he goes, “ohhh there they are!” Basically, the envelope in which were the tickets happened to be the exact same shape and size as that of his wallet, so he hadn’t felt the difference when he’d looked in his pockets … Typical XXX!

Armed with our tickets, we found this area which had stands for drinks, a main stage where an artist (rapper) was performing, and some food stands. So we settled for some tacos – they were delicious. We ate quietly. I was feeling pretty tired to be honest. Afterwards we got some more to drink (vodka and soda) and sat on the grass to drink them. After a while, we walked back to the car and headed home.

In the car he told me how lately he’d been reflecting on a lot of things, especially the relationships he’s had and been in, and how much bullshit he took in the past, and how now he feels really, really happy about his group of friends. He said that his friends really bring out the best in him, and they accept him for who he is, that if he doesn’t want to go out one night it’s ok to say so without feeling awful – that sort of thing. It was so great to hear something so positive from him … but even better when he said, “you are probably my best girl friend”. And then he made a joke about how he didn’t mean “girlfriend” in the sense that we’re dating. Thanks dude!!

We reached my house, it was 11:17pm (I remember looking at the clock in his car). Even though neither of us expressed it vocally, we both felt like it was too early to separate, so he suggested we go to the beach. Off we went. It wasn’t too cold nor too windy so we went to sit on the big flat rocks, and we stayed there and talked some more – it was just so very very nice, and I am just so grateful the entire night happened the way it did.

We spoke about spirituality for quite some time, because he is also starting to tap into that – about the possibility of something bigger than life, bigger than consciousness. We asked questions, asked each other our opinions on things, discussed philosophers, anecdotes, memories … he told me about his family a little. In fact he told me how his mum sometimes says that his older brother and his girlfriend are expecting a baby which makes XXX feel like his mum’s trying to pressure him into dating (he is 27 years old). Then he turned to me and seemed to hesitate about saying something, worried it would make me sad. But I urged him to say what he had to say. He admitted he still doesn’t want to date anyone, that he’s happy meeting people for the time being, and that he wouldn’t want to date someone for “a little while”. As soon as he said it he looked at me and I went, “I’m not sad”.

Which was the truth. Strangely enough, it almost felt nice to hear it. It was nice to have the truth right in my face because I had been so close to initiate a kiss, or more physical touch between us – and also because I had been wondering if him taking me out that night was perhaps a step into us becoming a couple. But at least now I know the truth. And I was happy that at least he has his mind made up about something, and that … he is taking responsibility for his well-being, I guess. I was happy he had told me.

As for me personally, being at the beach at this hour of night with XXX took me back to Mauritius. What odd similarities! I have written (in my last post I believe) about the similarities between XXX and JJJ … their characters are quite similar. But yesterday it was more about the atmosphere and the actual event. Firstly, the going out to the beach at night – I had done that too with JJJ only a few weeks ago. And how it was a full moon. And how we talked about spirituality, and past relationships … yes, all that I had done with JJJ too … it was almost as if I was put into the same situation, only with different people. Now of course the main difference is that JJJ and I ended up kissing and holding hands, and of course none of that happened with XXX!

Instead, at 12.44am we decided it was time to get going, so he dropped me off home. We don’t really have any plans to see each other again until Sunday but he said “see you very soon”! So I’m guessing we’ll do something before Sunday, I just don’t know what yet.

So that is the full story, more or less. You know what, I really love this guy, as a friend at least. In fact I consider him my best friend. And every moment I spend with him reminds me how much awesome he is, and how blessed I am to have him in my life. ♥♥♥♥

Boys

The world of boys and love has always fascinated me.

SO yesterday XXX came over – we just HAD to hang out!!! We’d said 3pm but of course in his time it really means 30mins late … So he arrived at 3.30pm. Now one funny story for you guys. I’ve been on a 1-month holiday (came back last week-end) and during my holiday I cut my hair, but I mean, I chopped off like 30cms (my hair used to reach my butt almost, now only down to my shoulders) – radical! When my mum had asked me why, I’d simply said, “oh, I needed a change”.

While I was gone, guess who else got a hair cut. YEP, XXX. And what did he do? He used to have sort of curly hair, it was always a bit messy but it looked great. Well Mr XXX cut most of it off and now he got a man bun. (More like a man pony tail because it’s too short to be a bun). I asked him why he’d made such a big change and he just said, “I just needed change” … lol. Man we are too much alike x)

After he arrived, I made tea, then showed him the photos of the trip and told him everything I could think of about it. Afterwards we played music for a bit. Then another funny thing happened. My dad arrived, and when he saw XXX he asked, jokingly:

“Is that really you, Darryn?” (XXX’s name is Darryn, will only reveal it once because you can only understand the joke if you know his name).

In my head I thought, (to reply to the joke), “no, this is actually DarryL”

And XXX said, “nah, I’m Darryl.”

DUDE our thoughts are way too much in sync.

As you can imagine, it always thrills me when XXX and I seem to have matching thoughts. Once we had played through the two suites, I suggested we go for a walk. We went round the block once, then into the golf course, where we sat at “our spot” for quite some time. We talked a bit, but also just sat quietly, staring at the open golf range, while behind us the sun was setting. It is funny because I told him how my dad had a cousin in Durban (XXX’s birth place, he lived there until he was about 10 years old). Obviously XXX himself has some family, and we jokingly said, “what if our families know each other??? Or that one of my cousin is married to yours???” and then XXX looked at me with a funny smile on his face, said something which I didn’t understand at first but then I understood that he’d thought maybe we are related – and we had sex!!!!!

We headed back home. On the way I asked him to ask me the questions he has meant to ask me. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t even want to tell me what the questions were about. Oh well.

I thought he’d go home straight after but he walked into the kitchen/living area where my parents were cooking, and chatted to them, that until dinner was ready, so he stayed for dinner. He asked about this dish called “achard”, which apparently is common between Mauritius and South Africa. To this, my dad said he’d be cooking some on Sunday. XXX said, “oh well then I’m coming on Sunday!” Great. He just invited himself!

After dinner he left, we hugged as usual, he said “it was good to see you” and yeah, that was it!!!

Now Saturday he’s taking me out somewhere, I don’t even know where because it is a SURPRISE! YES – I can’t believe it either – XXX has planned a surprise for ME!!!!! WOOOO. I have waited 1.5 years for this, lol. So I’m looking forward to it. He’s picking me up at 5pm, I’m guessing we are going to go to a show/concert, and we’ll have dinner together as well – probably at Grill’d? – omg since I’m not even driving I’ll be able to drink something!! YAY. I can’t believe it!!! 😀 I will write ALL about it.

Once XXX was gone, I chatted for 2ish hours to the Mauritian keyboard player, with whom I had sort of a thing … it is so hard to believe a person exists when you don’t SEE them in the flesh. However once we got chatting, everything came back to me, especially the memory and belief of how GOOD of a guy he is. He has SUCH a good heart, and I was happy to chat to him. I prefer Skype but recently a cyclone swept over Mauritius and he is having difficulties with networks.

So these are my guy-related stories. If you asked me who do I like, I wouldn’t know what to say. I like BOTH of them I guess. Can we be in love with two people at the same time? Why is it such a bad thing to be?