love, vulnerability, daydreaming, best friend.

When I saw XXX on Wednesday, we went for a walk, and he started talking about moving out, and how the place he’s interested in buying would still be financially difficult. He also said, “as it’s a one-bedroom apartment, I couldn’t even have a house-mate … unless someone wants to sleep with me.” I have no clue what he was expecting me to say: that I was interested in living with him, and that I would if he offered me the chance? I went the safe way and replied with a lame joke: “who would even want to sleep with you?!” (saying this after a few days after actually sleeping with him, lol).

After the walk I stayed at his place for dinner because his mum suggested I do, and after dinner XXX and I went in his room and listened to some music. Then he read the letter I had written, which was about how much I adored him and how sometimes I want to tell him how much I love him but I get too chicken to. After he read the letter he just looked at me and I think he was smiling, then he simply asked me if I wanted to stay the night. So I said yes.

It was really cool because I hadn’t brought any belongings with me. He found me a new toothbrush and even labelled it with my name so that his brother wouldn’t use it (lol). He also gave me one of his t-shirts and a pair of pants to wear after showering! Yay I wore his clothes! 😀 New friendship level reached!!! Then we got into bed and were about to watch a movie but XXX’s mind was elsewhere …!

It is funny. I mean, a part of me trusts XXX so much. I can tell him anything – I do tell him pretty much anything. I always try to be very honest to him about however I feel; I think it’s a really important part of our friendship, this honesty and “realness” about who we are – I know it’s something I really cherish. Lately our friendship has been so amazing and XXX has been so good and kind to me and I know that he would never do anything to hurt me. I also know that there are things he tends to do that might hurt me, but I am becoming more and more able to predict that, and I’m getting less hurt as a consequence.

So a part of me trusts him a lot. Maybe more than most people.

We were in bed that night and I was sort of snuggled up next to him. It was quiet. He asked me, “what are you thinking?” I didn’t even think about what to answer. I just blurted out, “I’m worried … I’m scared I’m going to get really hurt.” I don’t know for sure if he truly got what I meant. Whilst I wrote just above that I trust XXX with almost everything, it became evident to me on Wednesday night that I could get so hurt from this friendship, from loving and not being loved in return. That I could get so hurt if XXX ends up in a relationship with someone else. Simply, I don’t trust that he loves me, because he has never told me he does, and because he has made it clear only too many times that he doesn’t want a relationship and he won’t want one for a while.

Of course, one cannot simply assume that just because he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t love me.

But I guess I’m just scared what the future has in store. I really do not believe at all that XXX loves me. I have no clue how he feels about me. He knows (he should, really) how I feel about him but I still don’t know for sure how he feels for me exactly. I’m scared to think he might end up loving someone else, especially after all we’ve been through 😦 Oh the idea brings tears to my eyes!

I turned away from him after admitting my fears openly. As I said, I don’t know if he understood exactly what my fears are, and how they are related to his feelings for me. I don’t know if he realises how vulnerable I am and how he has the power to break my heart? And yet, after I turned away, XXX shifted on the mattress and I felt his arm wrap around my side and he said, “I won’t hurt you.” Did he mean he loves me? Did he realise that by saying this I could interpret it as him saying he loves me? I don’t know if he realised. I don’t know. I don’t know if he loves me. I wasn’t convinced by what he said. I don’t trust at all how much I mean to him. And I have no idea how I will know, or what it takes for me to trust someone they love me.

Obviously though, me being a daydreamer and in love with my best friend, I have spent some time tonight just imagining living with XXX. Actually it happens more and more. I might get home from grocery shopping and I think to myself, “I wish I was coming to XXX and I’s home”. And when I get home from work on Fridays, too. I feel so tired on Fridays. I can totally imagine XXX and I having the least productive Friday nights (he has long a Friday as well) – we’d probably end up getting take-away pizzas and fall asleep on the couch after watching a movie. But also if that happened often I’d get annoyed and so we’d work out a solution that is more suited to our situations (maybe I could change my day of teaching so that I am available Fridays to cook a healthy dinner).  I wonder if it’ll ever happen but something tells me it will … because XXX actually talks to me about moving out! Also, I have told him I want to move out. He’s even asked me if I’d ever live with him! So who knows! 🙂

But all that aside, I just want to say how amazing it is to have a true best friend. That’s what XXX is to me above all! Someone who accepts me completely and who makes me laugh a little too hard at things that are really random and stupid and dumb. Someone who is my same level of craziness and weird, who comprehends my thoughts and expands them in all directions, who can turn my already-lame jokes into even worse ones … Someone with whom I feel a sense of genuine and true connection even when no words are being spoken. Someone who feels so familiar to me that they feel like home. Yay for best friends, yay for XXX! :))))))))

still didn’t say it.

XXX and I rehearsed this morning as usual. He was feeling a bit sick so we did a bit of productive work, and a bit of chilled rehearsal style (played the theme of Game of Thrones). Then he went home and I stayed at uni to catch up with a friend.

Later in the afternoon I met a young boy whom I will be tutoring as a volunteer for an indefinite period of time. His family is from Syria. He is a very cute little boy and whilst I’m looking forward to being his teacher and mentor, when I left their home I felt so sad. The reason I am now tutoring him is because I have not been able to see the five children I used to tutor for the past 1.5 years. I have no idea where they even live anymore. And I miss them just so, so much 😥

After tutoring I drove to the movies as my older sister, her boyfriend, XXX and I had agreed to watch a movie altogether and to have dinner afterwards. As they arrived pretty late, the cinema room was already pretty full when we walked in, and XXX and I ended up sitting next to each other at the end of a row, whilst my sister and her boyfriend were in the row in front of us. We watched the French movie Monsieur Chocolate. It was so very good, but at times very painful to watch. I was feeling exhausted from a long day, and emotional from missing the five children, so I rested my head against XXX’s shoulder and I felt so much better. I spent my whole Sunday thinking about XXX and realising how much I love him, and it felt so nice to lean on his shoulder …

Once the movie was done we got dinner at a nearby restaurant. XXX and I said some bad jokes, unsurprisingly. And after we walked to each other’s cars, and hugged good-bye. Except I totally wanted to hug him for longer, but he started pulling away. I have no idea when I’ll see him next, I’m guessing maybe Friday night or Saturday, or perhaps Sunday? Anyway I really wanted to tell him “I love you” but I didn’t … I was thinking about it when I was walking to my own car. You know since I’ve known him I’ve always known I was in love with him (i.e. I was attracted to him, found him attractive etc) but it’s only recently I’ve felt sure, or rather, almost certain, that I love him, actually love him. It’s such an overwhelming feeling …. to realise you love someone …

concert

Tonight there was a concert and XXX managed to get me a free ticket for it! 😀 Isn’t he a sweet-heart!!!! We met directly at the venue. After a while we noticed his guitar teacher and his wife were there too so we went to speak to them. Then we got settled for the concert. As it was an outdoors concert we had brought folding chairs and a picnic blanket sort of thing. We were pretty comfy but I was starving!!! So we went to get food from the café. We got a pizza and a quesidilla each. The concert was absolutely sensational, the singer was out of this world. I suggest you Google her – Katie Noonan. She’s SO GOOD!!! During the interval XXX and I talked and he made me laugh so hard because he said really stupid and dumb and funny things!!! Then 2nd half of the concert, then we headed home in different cars so it was a short time spent together but definitely worth it. WEEEEE was this a date?! I don’t think it was but then I sort of felt special being there with him, especially coz we met his guitar teacher and other people that he knew. What a fun and easy and simple friendship it is we have!!! 😀 OH I LOVE him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love my friend

At 7.35am I headed off to XXX’s house to pick him up, and we went to uni. On the way he spoke to me about the radio station he presents for and the various issues they have going through. He also complained to me about not changing lanes …

We got to uni and he wanted a coffee. While waiting for the coffee to be made, XXX was pulling face, like doing a double chin … omg seriously he is so weird and I love it!!! We went straight to rehearsing after this. As we had planned to perform the Tango for class later that day, we rehearsed only that movement.

At about 10am the teacher came in to check our rehearsal and we also played some of the music to him, for feedback, which we actually found useful. Yay! At about 11am we went off to have lunch. Although XXX’s mum had given us a wrap each, XXX wanted to get a bagel from a café. He said he’d drive because my parallel parking skills are so bad (he isn’t wrong, lol). So he was driving my car, which was pretty fun, but I have to admit he didn’t do a great job himself parking it!!!

We got the bagels, headed back to uni, ate lunch, and I left my laptop in the string instrument store room, and then we went to the class to perform our duet. Obviously XXX had to introduce it wrong, so when I told the class what we were ACTUALLY playing they all laughed. So we performed and after that we got feedback. One of the lecturers said (I’m not kidding): “you have a very good ensemble chemistry” LOL. OMG I could have died of laughter. And then she’s like, “you were very together … how did you achieve that? Is it electricity passing between you two?” Seriously!!!!!! (Secretly I couldn’t be happier to hear such comments, but it’s just plain hilarious given the situation). The main criticism was that whilst we work very well together and we both have a good sense of pulse, it felt at times like XXX wasn’t letting go enough and was being too careful. As another lady phrased it, “you should just trust it, because it’s there.” WHOA – can music be a metaphor for love?

I borrowed his student card to have access to the string instrument store room, as I had to get my laptop for study. I had to leave uni at 3.30pm and as I hadn’t seen XXX since the string class, I actually went round to his tonight to return his card.

He was in his pj’s, soooo adorable!!! As soon as I arrived he told me he had to fetch his brother from the train station. I said I’ll come with him. So we hopped in his car and drove to the station, then waited for like 10mins, until his mum calls to say that the trains tonight don’t even go all the way to the station we were waiting at.

So we return to his home and he tells me to come inside, and we sit at the table, and his little bro arrives, and we chat together for like half an hour. And then I decide to go home and we hug good-bye and we say see you soon, I say Thursday coz we’re going to a concert Thursday night, and XXX adds, “…if not before …”. But I doubt I’ll see him before Thursday, unless he’s got plans for us that I’m not aware of!!?

I loooooooooooooooooooooove XXX so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m actually 100% sure right now.

 

this night.

i will remember relaxing and tensing
under your weight, of being rocked
by your hands and your own movement
in and out of me, and the gasps
and sighs because the bed creaks
so loud, and the sheets that twist
and fold and lie in a heap at the edge
of the bed while breathless we stroke
each other’s hands and arms and
saying something ridiculous, laughing
until we have tears in our eyes;
i will remember this night and all the
nights before, how i fell asleep, smile on
my lips, feeling more in love with you,
than ever, ever before.

* * *

(there was a reason i never threw
the blue toothbrush away;
maybe i always knew
you’d use it again one day.)

can you live with a guy best friend without it being a relationship?

My best friend is the best ❤

XXX picked me up on Monday at quarter to 8am and we drove to uni, talking about politics and history (what a serious way to start the day). We got to uni and went straight into rehearsal. We played through the pieces and after a while the unit coordinator knocked on the door of the practice room to mark the attendance and ask how we were going. He complained that some people doing the unit don’t receive any information about it since they are not actually enrolled in the unit (me, for instance: I am not enrolled in the unit, I am an outside guest who comes in just because XXX asked me to). XXX said that it’d be ok because we live nearby and also we’re friends. lol, I laughed when he said that.

There was a particular point during the rehearsal where we could hear police or ambulance sirens, and they were actually in tune with our music, that it made us laugh so hard, and we couldn’t stop laughing!!! Oh, gooooood time. Seriously the lamest stuff makes us laugh, isn’t it great! 😀

At 11am, rehearsal was over and we were starving, so we went to have lunch before his 12pm class. We went to the French café, like last week. It took us ages to decide what to eat. Finally we settled at a table. We thought we had plenty of time to eat but by the time the food arrived we only had like, 15mins!

I don’t know how it happened but whilst making our way back to uni we started talking about very immature things (read: farts) and I just couldn’t stop laughing. lol. Seriously he is starting to tell me WAY too much about himself and his family! But at the same time, I love it that he tells me all these things, it’s so special when someone trusts you this much!! It was just a hilarious morning :’)

I studied in the library during his class and during his choir rehearsal, and then he came and we headed home.

Later that evening he messaged me and asked me if I’d ever live with him.

:O

I was SO surprised! Well, was I really? After the few times he’s taken me to the place where he does want to live in the future, is it that surprising? Still, I sort of can’t believe he asked me, lol. He must be considering it. I just said I’d be happy to try it out, which is the truth. We are extremely compatible as friends, but what about as partners? Would it make any difference? And would we be able to live together “just as friends” or would living with him mean we are officially in a relationship? Hmmm I should ask him. I can’t lie though – I have thought about living with him, in that particular place he showed me. He’s interested in this apartment located in a big building, which is still under construction. The building itself has a gym inside it as well as a pool and barbecue area. It is located 10mins from the beach, 10mins from the movie, 10mins from – really anywhere you can think of (lol), and more importantly it is less than ten minutes walk from the lake (and XXX and I love lakes). Also, the shops are just down the road. The only issue is that an apartment might be a bit small, since I would need to bring in my big harp and a piano. But imagine if it happened! XXX and I living together!!!

lol will it EVER happen? Now I am curious!!!! If it does, wouldn’t it make our relationship the slowest relationship EVER? lol. But that’s what’s cool about it, I think. The slowness of things just make everything feel very organic and honest.

So anyhow, last night XXX and I were chatting to each other on FB and he told me he had been thinking about relationships a lot lately. His ultimate goal is to be a musician, a composer-performer, and ideally he’d like to go on tours, and travel. He is worried that he’ll end up single for the rest of his life because no one would want a husband or partner that isn’t home. At the same time, he wants to have a family. So we were talking about that, and I was saying how I’ll visit him when he’s 40 and single and we can netflix and relax, lol. And he said I’ll be married and rich so maybe I wouldn’t be able to stay for netflix and relax. LOL. Our lame conversations!!!

But honestly, just casually talking about having children and all that, about marriage, about how to make relationships work if you’re travelling all the time – it’s so INTERESting and SPECIAL! I don’t know what he sees me as anymore, it really feels like he thinks of me as more than just a friend – especially recently, considering the things he talks to me about, and even that he compliments me more than ever :O

I don’t want to start thinking and believing XXX and I will get married or anything. Actually I quite like not thinking about anything at all when it comes to him. I just sort of enjoy the friendship as it is, when it happens, and although I love to imagine and question the future, I don’t worry about it, or have any expectations. It’s so liberating!

Oh yeah and the other great thing is that he wants to come over Saturday for a movie and next week we’re going to a concert together!!! 😀 YAY.

So that’s all from me at this stage. I am posting less than usual simply because I have gotten busier this year. I have started a Masters of International & Community Development (I am LOVING it) and I also have gotten many more students. On top of this I still do my volunteering with the Rotary Club and Harp Society and I have quite a number of responsibilities and tasks with each. Ciao peeps!

 

just feelings.

Abrief overview of this week:

Monday …

… although it was a public holiday, XXX and I still headed in to uni for the chamber music rehearsal. We rehearsed from about 9:20am to 11am. It was quite productive and we stayed focused. After the rehearsal, we went to the uni café and ate the lunch I had prepared for us, this veggie carbonara pasta. XXX bought me a coffee. We quickly went to move his car and at 12pm he had his class, so I went to the library to study. At 3.30pm he came to get me and as we were both pretty hungry, we decided to go to the French café to get some food. But as it was a public holiday, all the cafés were shut. Disappointed, we drove to another part of uni so that XXX could get a free student diary (as he really needed one). Once we had gotten it, we started driving away to another suburb to find a café, when I realised XXX had forgotten his guitar in the music department!!! Seriously, where would this guy be without me! Once we had gotten his guitar we went to a suburb we both like and found an open café (hurray), and he got a sandwich, got me a chocolate brownie. We sat opposite each other and didn’t talk very much. He made me try some of his sandwich, but it was really the last bites of his bread, so there was nothing in between, lol. I was like, “is that how much you love me?!”

Oh yes, the best part of Monday, now I remember. On our way to uni, XXX randomly said that one thing he likes to do is when he reaches the part of the freeway that is near the lake, he opens his windows to smell the lake, because he likes the smell. So on our way there that Monday we opened the windows, but as the lake was on the other side of the freeway we couldn’t really smell anything. On our way home however, as soon as we reached the lake, XXX got excited, opened the car windows wide, and we were just smelling the lake, lol. It was just another weird side of XXX that I hadn’t yet encountered (what the hell – smelling a lake!!), but at the same time I was SO happy that I could experience his real, authentic self – that is really the most beautiful thing of all. I can’t help loving him more when he does these weird things in front of me!!

Tuesday

Rotary meeting in the evening. As Cutie Pie’s host family lives a little further he usually stays at someone else’s house after school on Tuesdays. But that person being away this week, I told Cutie Pie to come to my house. Great idea? Perhaps not, lol. I picked him up from school. Then I didn’t want him to feel so lonely at home, so I went to study next to him. I had my laptop with my readings in front of me, and he had his biology textbook in front of him. Did I get any study done? Barely!!! Cutie Pie would just not stop teasing me and annoying me!!! He would ask me biology questions, ones he knew I didn’t know the answer to … then when I tried to peek at the answers in his textbook, he’d cover it up with his hand. Of course!!! I told him to shut up and let me study, he’d say “yeah ok” but two minutes later he would be back to his questions. Argggggh! It didn’t even help that I was sitting next to him, because I started to notice whenever his arm was touching mine! And it didn’t help either that we looked at each other a fair bit – man it felt like we were flirting!!! – and the more I looked at him the more I wanted to, I don’t know, kiss him, or touch his hair – omg his hair looks so smooth!!!! So anyway, ahhh, guys are so confusing!!

Wednesday

Didn’t see anyone but XXX was feeling depressed that day. The first day he felt pretty depressed in a while, he said. We chatted on FB for a little while about it. Also he suggested we netflix and chill sometime this week, and we agreed Friday would be a good time.

Thursday

Nothing

Friday

After I gave my last harp lesson of the day I headed to uni to hear XXX perform in a concert. It was actually a competition sort of concert, where each performer was auditioning for a scholarship. XXX had told me about it and whilst I hadn’t told him I’d come to hear him for sure, I felt it my obligation as his best friend to support him! =)

He actually played really well, probably some of the best playing I’ve heard from him. But I will tell you about something else. Something that just shows how DIFFERENT XXX is.

XXX was something like the sixth performer that evening. Well, as I was listening to the first five or so performers, I was thinking to myself how COLD and SERIOUS classical music is, how the performers seem to removed, disconnected from their audience. Why is classical music so serious??? How do we expect the people of our generation, who are all about connection, to find it easy to enjoy classical music when the etiquette is the performer comes on stage, takes a bow, and just plays their piece? I was pondering on that because every student just walked in on stage, played their piece, and seemed completely disinterested in engaging with the audience – or is that just the classical music etiquette? Hard to tell.

BUT, lo and behold!!! XXX walked in, smiling, holding his guitar, he sat down and, would you believe it, he SPOKE!!!! Yes, he TALKED TO HIS AUDIENCE!!!! Breaking the status quo!!! I can’t tell you what I felt when he did that, especially after all the thinking I had been doing since the beginning of the concert. He introduced himself and he announced what he’d be performing, and that was it, but even something as simple as that made such a huge difference. That he’s interested in creating a connection with the audience, that he was treating this as an actual performance, not just an audition for a scholarship! I was so relieved that he did it, it was so refreshing!!! Unsurprisingly, he was the only one of the contestants/performers to actually address the audience.

I found him after the show, congratulated him, he was a bit surprised to see me coz I had only told him I’d come “maybe”. We walked to his car, I asked him if netflix and chill was still on, he said yeah, but then we had a problem: dinner. He didn’t want to go out because he didn’t want to spend money. He didn’t want to go to his because he didn’t feel like cooking. So I simply suggested he has dinner at mine, because anyway isn’t that what he always does on Fridays?! lol. So we drove to my house (in separate cars).

He spoke to my parents about French politics whilst I finished off some work-related administrative duties, and then we all had dinner together, and after that XXX and I settled on the couch. He flicked through the Netflix “menu” for nearly half an hour, but he just couldn’t make up his mind on which movie to watch! So I said, “why don’t we watch a documentary?”. Taken by the idea, he looked up the documentaries, and we settled for one about Rivers. legit. So we watched a documentary about rivers. Then we watched another one about Cities. They were actually pretty interesting, especially for me as it is relevant to what I am learning.

XXX had obviously taken the most comfortable part of the sofa (where you can lie down completely) and I was getting more and more uncomfortable, wanting to lie down too. So I told him to move over a bit, so that I could stretch my legs. That worked fine for a while. A bit later XXX goes, “do you want me to move over more?” and so he did, and we were lying next to one another, but of course we weren’t like, even touching each other, even though I soooo would have snuggled up to him.

Straight after the movie, XXX went home.

Today

I picked up Cutie Pie from his host family, and we had tea with my family, then went to play tennis with my dad. After half an hour of playing, my dad left me and Cutie Pie to play together. Then we went to the swimming pool, where mum was already swimming. In the pool, Cutie Pie started to be really cheeky again – does he ever stop? He started copying me, repeating everything I was saying and even doing. Obviously it made me laugh, because I knew he was teasing me. What a cheeky boy! But oh, I’m still in love with his face, what a beautiful one it is!!!! He is so PERFECT!!! I can’t stop looking at him!!! Definitely my attraction/crush on him has returned. What even!!! I really wanted to kiss him but mum was so near that I couldn’t. After the pool we went back home, had dinner, played cards, then I drove him home.

Summary

I have weird feelings. I think I have a crush on a guy, and sometimes I think of telling him, but something always stops me. I think it’s because I don’t actually LOVE him. I mean, I like Cutie Pie lots but I wouldn’t date him, I don’t think. Therefore it is only just a crush, just attraction, right? I think so.

Coz in the end I still think my favourite person ever is XXX, and XXX is my bestest friend ever (I definitely think so now). XXX feels like home to me but at the same time it’s always an adventure whenever we do anything, and the bonus is I feel attracted to him as well. So it’s weird. My current belief is that I love XXX.