When I saw XXX on Wednesday, we went for a walk, and he started talking about moving out, and how the place he’s interested in buying would still be financially difficult. He also said, “as it’s a one-bedroom apartment, I couldn’t even have a house-mate … unless someone wants to sleep with me.” I have no clue what he was expecting me to say: that I was interested in living with him, and that I would if he offered me the chance? I went the safe way and replied with a lame joke: “who would even want to sleep with you?!” (saying this after a few days after actually sleeping with him, lol).
After the walk I stayed at his place for dinner because his mum suggested I do, and after dinner XXX and I went in his room and listened to some music. Then he read the letter I had written, which was about how much I adored him and how sometimes I want to tell him how much I love him but I get too chicken to. After he read the letter he just looked at me and I think he was smiling, then he simply asked me if I wanted to stay the night. So I said yes.
It was really cool because I hadn’t brought any belongings with me. He found me a new toothbrush and even labelled it with my name so that his brother wouldn’t use it (lol). He also gave me one of his t-shirts and a pair of pants to wear after showering! Yay I wore his clothes! 😀 New friendship level reached!!! Then we got into bed and were about to watch a movie but XXX’s mind was elsewhere …!
It is funny. I mean, a part of me trusts XXX so much. I can tell him anything – I do tell him pretty much anything. I always try to be very honest to him about however I feel; I think it’s a really important part of our friendship, this honesty and “realness” about who we are – I know it’s something I really cherish. Lately our friendship has been so amazing and XXX has been so good and kind to me and I know that he would never do anything to hurt me. I also know that there are things he tends to do that might hurt me, but I am becoming more and more able to predict that, and I’m getting less hurt as a consequence.
So a part of me trusts him a lot. Maybe more than most people.
We were in bed that night and I was sort of snuggled up next to him. It was quiet. He asked me, “what are you thinking?” I didn’t even think about what to answer. I just blurted out, “I’m worried … I’m scared I’m going to get really hurt.” I don’t know for sure if he truly got what I meant. Whilst I wrote just above that I trust XXX with almost everything, it became evident to me on Wednesday night that I could get so hurt from this friendship, from loving and not being loved in return. That I could get so hurt if XXX ends up in a relationship with someone else. Simply, I don’t trust that he loves me, because he has never told me he does, and because he has made it clear only too many times that he doesn’t want a relationship and he won’t want one for a while.
Of course, one cannot simply assume that just because he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t love me.
But I guess I’m just scared what the future has in store. I really do not believe at all that XXX loves me. I have no clue how he feels about me. He knows (he should, really) how I feel about him but I still don’t know for sure how he feels for me exactly. I’m scared to think he might end up loving someone else, especially after all we’ve been through 😦 Oh the idea brings tears to my eyes!
I turned away from him after admitting my fears openly. As I said, I don’t know if he understood exactly what my fears are, and how they are related to his feelings for me. I don’t know if he realises how vulnerable I am and how he has the power to break my heart? And yet, after I turned away, XXX shifted on the mattress and I felt his arm wrap around my side and he said, “I won’t hurt you.” Did he mean he loves me? Did he realise that by saying this I could interpret it as him saying he loves me? I don’t know if he realised. I don’t know. I don’t know if he loves me. I wasn’t convinced by what he said. I don’t trust at all how much I mean to him. And I have no idea how I will know, or what it takes for me to trust someone they love me.
Obviously though, me being a daydreamer and in love with my best friend, I have spent some time tonight just imagining living with XXX. Actually it happens more and more. I might get home from grocery shopping and I think to myself, “I wish I was coming to XXX and I’s home”. And when I get home from work on Fridays, too. I feel so tired on Fridays. I can totally imagine XXX and I having the least productive Friday nights (he has long a Friday as well) – we’d probably end up getting take-away pizzas and fall asleep on the couch after watching a movie. But also if that happened often I’d get annoyed and so we’d work out a solution that is more suited to our situations (maybe I could change my day of teaching so that I am available Fridays to cook a healthy dinner). I wonder if it’ll ever happen but something tells me it will … because XXX actually talks to me about moving out! Also, I have told him I want to move out. He’s even asked me if I’d ever live with him! So who knows! 🙂
But all that aside, I just want to say how amazing it is to have a true best friend. That’s what XXX is to me above all! Someone who accepts me completely and who makes me laugh a little too hard at things that are really random and stupid and dumb. Someone who is my same level of craziness and weird, who comprehends my thoughts and expands them in all directions, who can turn my already-lame jokes into even worse ones … Someone with whom I feel a sense of genuine and true connection even when no words are being spoken. Someone who feels so familiar to me that they feel like home. Yay for best friends, yay for XXX! :))))))))