I am literally doing my best to stay afloat!!

It’s been a while since I last posted. The best place to pick up is Saturday evening, since XXX came over. We might be performing for the harp camp (happening this week-end) so he came over for a rehearsal on Saturday. However, we first went for a bit of a walk around the golf course. We talked a bit. We actually talked about relationships and how he was feeling about everything between us. He said he still doesn’t want a relationship yet but he thinks it would be fun for him and I to date. The news should have sent me flying but it had the opposite effect. I started to feel quite shy and insecure. What if him and I start a relationship and then we realise actually we are better off as friends? 😦 What if actually he isn’t the right guy for me? What if I have been claiming my love for him all this time (2ish years) and actually it’s not real? What if I hurt him? What if my feelings change? Aaaaaah I am terrified! We also talked about conflict and the difference between healthy fights and bad conflict. It was a good and useful discussion to say the least, and now I know that he is actually considering a relationship with me. The question is, is it the right thing for us? I don’t know yet.

After rehearsing for a bit that night, we had dinner with my dad then watched a bit of tv, but by 10pm we were both incredibly tired so we just slept. He fell asleep SOOO QUICKLY!!!! lol. In the morning we cuddled for a bit before getting breakfast. I love XXX’s face in the morning. Actually I like him without his glasses on and with his hair all crazy. He has got the most beautiful, sweet smile, and the kindest eyes. He is so gentle and I want to be just as gentle with him. Sometimes when I hold and cuddle him I feel like a mum. Very protective and gentle and terrified of harming him.

It was funny because when we went out to breakfast, my host brother aka Cutie Pie was also at the table. I have no idea what he thinks about the whole situation!! lol. What was funnier was that XXX was wearing my pj’s, since he hadn’t brought any with him …

Anyhow, on Sunday I had a normal day of doing chores and on Monday XXX and I had our assessment for chamber music. So I picked him up nice and early and off we went to uni, getting the customary cup of coffee. We rehearsed and then performed for the teachers who marked us. We rehearsed some more after this and then went to have lunch. We got Japanese food and ate it at the park, listening back to our performance (XXX had recorded it on his phone). I dropped him off at uni after this and headed off to start my pet-sitting duty! Later in the afternoon XXX came over (as the house is 5 mins away from uni) and it was settled he’d spend the night with me (yay!). However half his stuff was still at home so we drove to get all his things. At his house, he also had to complete his application for his trip and we spent twenty minutes trying to figure out how to make it work. It was a joyful moment when we got the thing to work, we high fived each other, lol.

Eventually we drove back and had dinner with my older sister and her boyfriend, and at 10pm we drove them to the bus station. Woohoo then we were all alone at the house! (Well, with the dogs and cat). We just went to bed and cuddled each other because the house is absolutely freaking FREEZING!!!

In the morning we barely talked because I had to rush off to work early and he had to get going to his visa meeting. I feel like a part of me also felt really shy for some reason, like, it felt too much like a relationship maybe that we were in a house just the two of us, and that we’d slept together??? O.o I don’t know. Feelings can be bloody weird sometimes.

I saw him briefly yesterday when I went to drop his things off back at his home. Everything just felt normal again, yay. Maybe because I had more energy and time, too. So yeah that’s things with XXX!!!! 😀

Everything is going so very well with Cutie Pie though. I love him so much as well!!! He fits right into my family which is awesome. The best though, is that him and I tease each other ALL the time. I have started to call him scumbag (it happened very randomly); he mostly laughs at everything at say. Also he often punches my arm or kicks me lightly – typical brotherly love I’m guessing? (I’ve never had a brother so I wouldn’t know, lol). Sometimes he also touches my hair (I secretly adore when he does that). We talk a lot, laugh a fair amount, look at each other a great deal. Obviously I’m still in love with his eyes and I actually touch his hair as well, in fact it’s just as soft and smooth as I always dreamt it. lol. It’s his birthday this Saturday but I won’t be there due to harp camp 😥

I really have very bizarre feelings. XXX is my best friend and I feel very attracted to him and it’s almost always felt like he was sort of my boyfriend, in the way we have been treating each other. But then I sort of have a crush on Cutie Pie and if he wanted to I would certainly kiss him. If I were in a relationship with XXX now, would my feelings be the same for Cutie Pie? Is it fundamentally wrong to feel attracted to two people at once?

yay fun day!

Good days always end too soon. Actually it is only 7:20pm and I consider the day over, for the simple reason that XXX isn’t with me anymore … lol.

Made my way to his place at 7:45am this morning as it is a Monday and we rehearse at uni every Monday mornings. His alarm hadn’t gone off apparently so he was just getting out of bed when I got there. We got going at half past eight, so naturally reached uni quite late (not to mention he wanted to get a coffee and a croissant). However when we got to uni, we saw someone wheeling the harp around so asked her what was going on, and she told us the harp was being moved to the concert hall for the uni concert tonight. Great, I had no instrument to play on for rehearsal!

So we went to the unit coordinator’s office to tell him that we could not rehearse, and he just said that as it’s production day there is no rehearsal/class anyway!!!! In other words, XXX and I had come all this way for absolutely NOTHING.

Of course though, we made the most of it …:

First we went to the café so that he could drink his coffee and we could chill and think about what to do next. It was funny because he was talking about something and I was thinking to myself how I wanted to have sex with him, and then just out of the blue he asks, “what are you thinking?” lol. He is a mind reader!!! And I know he definitely could tell what I was thinking about!!

Then we went to the library and after that we agreed to go to the river for a bit, before heading to my sister’s place for lunch at 12pm. He got a phone call which went on for like nearly 30mins. We sat at a table in front of the river for some time, not really speaking. At one point he muttered, “I’m tiiirreeedd …” and proceeded to rest his head on my shoulder and I thought that was cute.

We got back in the car and although it was time to head off to my sister’s, XXX asked if we could go to a park “to cuddle”. Am I someone who would refuse such a thing???!! Of course NOT!!!! 😀 omggggg I was all excited inside!!! lol. So I knew of this park and drove there, and then we sat on the ground, and he sat behind me and wrapped his arms around me and we stayed like that for a little bit of time. And like the thing I realised was that my heart wasn’t racing wild or anything, I wasn’t nervous or too particularly excited but I was just so pleasantly happy to be with him and that he wanted to cuddle me!!! He can be so sweet sometimes this little man!!!

Then he wanted to go for a walk. So we did. We could see the river, and we looked up at the birds, and towards the end I held his hand. I don’t know if he minded :/

So eventually we got to my sister’s house. They (my sister and her boyfriend) had cooked us a feast: potato salad, spinach salad, corn, crayfish and for dessert an apple crumble. XXX was asked to cut open the crayfish. My sister’s boyfriend also asked me to stand behind him and hold his arm while he does it. Result (I was about to pull a face, hence my weird look – but isn’t XXX just drop-dead-gorgeous):


Straight after eating, I drove him to the concert hall for his 2pm rehearsal – he just made it!
For the following hour I was chilling at my sister’s house trying to work on my essay, and at 3.30pm XXX messaged me to ask if he could come over again and if I could pick him up. It was funny. I was sitting at the table with my sister and her boyfriend and I went, “ok, XXX is coming over” and my sister’s boyfriend said, “ok we better make some room on this table” (it was a bit cluttered) and I just went, “oh don’t worry, him and I will probably go into another room …” lol *hint hint*

So I went to pick XXX up and unsurprisingly XXX just went straight to the room I sleep in when I sleep over. I made us a cup of tea each. We wanted to watch a movie but in the end couldn’t get the DVD player to work so we just laid in bed and did stuffs. lol.

YAY!! At 5.30pm I showered and we got going for dinner after this. We had burgers at his favourite burger place. Then I dropped him off at the concert hall for his concert. And now I am here, at my sister’s place again to stay the night!

LALALALALA oh yeah after we ate the burgers, XXX was like, “you have to watch out because I like to eat all the things that give you a stinky breath: garlic – ohh I love garlic – coffee, onion …” lol. I was thinking, “why do I have to be careful about that?” really, only if we kiss a lot!!! And you only kiss a person a lot if you are dating them!

Oh and also just before he went to shower he kissed me – like twice!

Maybe he actually wants us to be in a relationship now! That would be COOL!!!! COOL BEANS. COOL BANANAS. He is my big baby and I love the look in his eyes when he looks at me, it is so gentle and so warm and so lovely and kind, and he is just the most gentle person he wouldn’t hurt a fly (actually, he murdered two ants today – woops – LOL).

I am still in love with my bestest friend ever and I wouldn’t change a thing because he rocks my life!!! Yay bless him!!!

just thoughts

you and me in the same
room for the night, in the same
bed where for some few
and very short hours,
we became – dare i say the word –

and all too soon dawn was breaking
and up i got,
kissing your cheek before i left;
this is what my love for you
feels like in the morning
when you are still dreaming …

* * *

Obvs, do I need to make it any clearer that I had a great Saturday night? lol. Oh I just can’t stop thinking about him and everything! It was just the best night ever!

This morning and the beginning of the afternoon was absolutely great, as usual. I picked him up at the usual time and we drove to uni, stopping first to get the usual long black (him) and mocha (me). He told me that he had dreamt about him and I playing a song by Madonna LOL. Great dreams! We very luckily found a place to park and we made our way to the campus and we were actually pretty lazy getting into rehearsing. Neither of us could really be bothered! But we got on with it and we actually made some progress. Yay! At 11am we stopped and went downstairs to the library as he wanted to check some emails and make phone calls. Once he’d done all his business we walked back to the car, except by then it was RAINING. Preeeetty bad. My beloved didn’t have an umbrella so he ended up taking his jacket off and wrapping it around his head, oh he just looked SO INCREDIBLY SILLY I chuckled to myself for like 2 minutes. I just LOVE that he has no care in the world looking silly out in public – isn’t that such a gorgeous trait. Ah, so good :’) When we got in the car I reached out and pushed the jacket a little out of his face, which didn’t feel any weird at all but then my reactive thought was like, “ahhhh, you nearly touched his face!!! That’s pushing the boundaries!” and then remembering after all I am not his girlfriend even if we were lovers like two nights ago 😥

So. We drove off to Subi for lunch. He wanted sushi so we went to the supermarket which has a few delis close-by. He got a tray of sushi and I got a tray of warm noodles with beef. As it was still raining we decided to eat in the car (we both had the same idea). It was pretty fun to be honest!!! It’s just SO AMAZING that NO single week is the same! Last week we had burgers at Jus Burgers, the week before we were somewhere else near his new school … it’s so exciting and fun, I LOVE the variety … he made me try his food which had raw salmon and it actually wasn’t too bad. I also made him try my noodles and he liked them a lot. Then we just sat in the car listening to the radio for a bit, before he suggested we head back to uni, but I wanted brownies So he was like, “well, get your brownie, and then we …” and he lifted his hand and I thought he would put it on my knee coz that’s literally where it was going but then he put it on the gear stick instead. *Fine*.

I got my brownie and after that we did drive back to uni. He had rehearsal at 2pm but we were 40mins early and we ended up chatting for like half an hour to this girl who used to be in my class. Then we went to the library and at 5 to 2 he wondered what to do. He had to go to rehearsal but also he has to fill out all this paperwork for his scholarship/exchange to California … and I myself didn’t know either what to do, as I had a rehearsal at uni late at night. Oh yeah it was funny earlier (as in right after lunch), I was asking him if I should go back home or stay at uni the whole afternoon and he was like, “just go home … at 4pmm” (coz that’s when his rehearsal stops). LOL. Obviously he just wanted me to give him a lift. But the way he said it, it was like he knew how selfish he was being and it was just hilarious. I probs can’t explain it well in writing.

Anyway, he turned from his computer to me and said, “you know what, I’m not gonna go to rehearsal. I’m gonna get this paperwork sorted and then we go home.” So I accompanied him to the students office, then to the student guild office, back to the students office … and eventually we made our way to the car.

At one point he turned to me and went, “you’re very quiet”. I was, unsurprisingly, deep in thought. I was thinking to myself how soon I will have to tell him good-bye for the day, and that no matter what it seems things always end one way or another. It made me wonder about relationships ending. Why do people break up? Then I thought XXX and I have known each other almost two years, which maybe isn’t that much, but I think we know each other pretty well by now – and then I had the frightening thought of what if one day he gets bored of me? So I asked him, “do you think you’ll ever get bored of me?” But he didn’t really reply …

The ride home was fairly quiet – again, I was just thinking about things. I was thinking about how much I wanted to kiss him! Properly!!! Not just in bed!!! It was almost painful 😥 When we arrived at his, I just stayed in the car which meant we didn’t hug good-bye and I’m fairly sure he noticed that too because he just stood a second too long before closing the door and he gave me a very nice smile before he walked to the front door.

Also, just a little comforting detail about today. As I have mentioned already, the weather today was pretty bad, we got quite a lot of rain. My car got a little foggy inside. As we were driving to lunch, XXX did this drawing on the window. It was a smiley face. And I think maybe he drew a smiley face because he was happy himself. 🙂

I Love XXX!!!! There is always such happy energy between us and even the most boring day is exciting because I can never predict it!!! Yay!!!

very long post!

Can’t believe the number of things I am doing and getting done! I am currently on the train on my way home from a meeting with a lawyer/Rotarian I know and a fellow harp society committee member. The Department of Commerce last year published a new Associations Act and so all community organisations have to review their consitution to make sure they comply with the new act. We have until 2019 to update our constitution. Since I happen to know this lawyer through Rotary, I asked him if he could help us with this task. He said yes and so we’ve had a first meeting, which was super helpful! Now we definitely know how to go about changing our constitution.

Yesterday I was tutoring harp at the girls’ school. The first thing I noticed when I started working there at the beginning of this year was that some of the harps are in very poor condition and could do with a make-over. It isn’t as enjoyable to play on a broken or buzzing harp! So I managed to organise for some parents (those who are hiring a school harp) to drop the harp off at the school, and for a local harp maker/repairer to come in to take the harps to his workshop to fix them. I’m so glad this has finally happened! Hopefully all will go fine and the harps will come back in a healthy shape.

Yesterday after work I also went volunteering for 1h45mins to catch up with the Syrian boy I tutor and help him with homework. We did a little bit of maths (like, 10 additions, lol), then the family served me dinner! How nice of them!

After volunteering I had a 2.5h choir rehearsal which was a lot of fun! We are sounding SO GOOD, I am so excited for our first concert, which is only a few weeks away!

As soon as I got home I unpacked all my things. Since my parents are currently away on a holiday, I also had to take the bins out and joy of joy I cleaned the kitchen since my younger sister had left it in a bit of a mess. What a long day but I went to bed feeling pretty proud of myself for all I had achieved in that day!

So today I had the meeting I just wrote about earlier, and really I have the rest of the day for myself. I have to send lots of emails again but most importantly I really need to practice. I am joining an orchestra for their concert on the 26th and attending rehearsals these two coming Mondays, so I need to learn my part!

A few hours later …

This is gonna be a HUGE post! … Coz I didn’t post Monday OR Tuesday!

Monday XXX and I had music in the morning as usual. This time was a chamber music class so we performed in front of the tutors and some other students. We got mostly good feedback although the tutors totally criticised how I played the bass line – how dare them, lol! After our short performance, we rehearsed some more until we decided it was time to get food. XXX wanted to go to Subi and get a burger, so off we went. We both got some cheeseburger and also some chips to share. I sat next to him and then I asked him what he had gotten me for my birthday (which was to be the next day). He said, “you can have whatever present you like” and just the way he said it was so funny, I definitely felt like he was expecting me to say that I want to sleep with him. I just played along and went, “ooooooh, really?” and acted all curious and stuff. It’s just so funny that we actually make jokes about sleeping together, lol. After eating we had some spare time before heading back to uni, so we drove to a nice park and played a bit of music there. Then we went back to uni and I stayed in the library to write my essay. At about 4pm XXX had finished rehearsal so we headed home. We were both feeling so tired, in fact XXX pretty much slept in the car. When we arrived at his, I casually asked if I could come in for tea. So we made tea and then XXX was sitting on the chair and he was like, sighing, “well … I’m gonna go and sleep on my bed …” and then he added, “and don’t you ask that question …” LOL. OMG he can read my mind or what?! I innocently asked what question he was even talking about, but I didn’t push it. However I did ask for my diary back, which was in his room, so I followed him to the door. Except he didn’t want me to come in! So he was like, “if you come any closer I’ll ….” and he was holding out his hand at the level of my butt as if he would hit it if I dared come into his room. LOL. Moral of the story: we are such children!

On Tuesday it was my birthday, I turned 22! So young still, but sometimes I feel so old! Anyway, I spent the whole day writing my bad essay. A bit after lunchtime, XXX called me to wish me a happy birthday. My best friend was planning on coming at 8.30pm so I also told XXX to come over. So my bestie, XXX, and 2 of my other close friends came and we all had dinner and it was so fun! 😀 I was annoying XXX a lot (that’s what I am here for!!). It was so nice to see my friends again, they are seriously the best for coming over!! XXX stayed a bit longer than them. Again we started having the weirdest conversation which was about sex … oh yeah it was my sister’s boyfriend who was like, “are you sleeping here tonight?” and XXX was like, “no …why?” and XXX and I made eye contact and it was just hilarious!!!! Oh dear :’)

Anywayz, XXX got me nail polish and some make-up and this fragrance diffuser. And a nice card which had the sweetest message in it. Yay!

So he should be coming over tomorrow evening for a rehearsal as we have a gig in like, 3 weeks! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Can’t wait. Maybe my nail polish will lure him into my bed. LOL. This blog should probs be censored or something?!

I have a 1,500 essay due in two days and I haven’t started writing it! I am still doing research and trying to think of an argument. Bah. I was so busy the last two weeks, and even though this week has been a little more chilled, I was too exhausted to get much done. Now I have reached the point where I don’t care so much if I hand in my assignment one or two days late. I have accepted my fate, lol. It just annoys me that the only form of assessment when you do a Masters are shit-long essays. Having to do tedious research and analysis and spend hours writing about a topic annoys me, and I am not even certain that it is such a successful way of learning? I just wonder how essay writing skills are going to come in handy in actual practice down the track unless I become an academic, which I definitely do not want to be. I feel I learn better in a hands-on environment, where I am in the heart of the action. No behind a computer screen, passively taking in information and then thinking up of an argument just for the sake of having one. But perhaps I am having these thoughts because I am simply stressed out about my assignment?

I just want to ramble about XXX, as usual. I saw him on Monday (wrote about it in my last post) and also yesterday. Usually I drive to work but yesterday I caught the train in, and knowing XXX finishes classes at 5pm (same time at which I finish my teaching) and the uni is literally 3mins away from my student’s place, we agreed he’d drive me home. YAY! I was SO excited! 😀 However, my private student cancelled her lesson at the last minute. So after working at the school, I took the bus and got a hot chocolate from the French café XXX and I always go to on Monday mornings. I also got two “friands” to take away, since I knew that XXX usually doesn’t have time to eat lunch on Fridays and he’d be starving. Then I went to uni to wait for XXX, but he messaged me saying his own class was also cancelled and that he was waiting for me. So I met him at the café and when I showed him the food he was all excited and happy (and yes, he was starving), and he ate one friand in like 2 seconds I didn’t even see its colour! lol. We got in the car and drove home. Oh it was so lovely! Best 50-ish minutes of my day ❤ We listened to music, played our favourite game “Spotto”, teased each other, talked about things. Oh man, so good to have him in my life! Sometimes he looks at me in that funny way of his, I assume he sort of thinks things like “she’s a bit dumb and blonde and weird but she’s cool” lol. Oh yeah he was telling me how there are these two young year 5 teachers at the school he tutors at, and they’re always hanging out during the breaks and they laugh a lot and XXX is like, “it is so obvious they are dating” and after 2 seconds of silent I went, “nah, they could just be friends?” (making an illusion to me and XXX). I don’t know if he got the hint though.

But this past week has been interesting in a few ways. I am the vice-president of the harp society of WA and so last week-end we had a harps gathering. We did harping and singing. The leader of the gathering (who is also on the committee) happens to sing in a church choir and a few days after the gathering, she sent me an email to ask if I’d be interested in joining the choir, which rehearses and performs on Sunday mornings. Now the funny thing about it is, the conductor of the choir happens to be the music teacher/form teacher/choir conductor/orchestra conductor all during high school!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND he was also my FAVOURITE TEACHER!!!! So, as I haven’t really seen him since 2012, I said YES! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I am seeing my favourite teacher again and singing in his choir so I could not be happier :’) !!!!

The other thing is that I joined another choir at the beginning of this year and this week the conductor asked me if I could sing one of the solos. As I am not a trained singer I really don’t trust my capabilities as a singer so been asked to do a solo is a huge compliment but I also feel SO scared!!!! So anyway, these are two exciting things that have happened for me!

Tomorrow is going to be one full day! I’m off to that rehearsal bright and early, and straight after I am going to cast my vote for the French elections, then I have to race home to pick up my parents to take them to the airport (they’re going away on vacation before my dad starts his new job)! I have the afternoon to myself although it will be spent food shopping, cleaning, ironing, essay-writing, and I’ll have to cook dinner as well, and then XXX is coming over to rehearse and chill and give me some quality company! 😀

good day (+ lame photo)


So the plan was that XXX picks me up at quarter to eight so we head off to uni in his car. At five to eight he still wasn’t around so I checked my FB, turns out he was too low on petrol so I had to go get him from the park. Ah, so typical, lol! So I drove us to uni. As usual we firstly got a coffee from the French café and then we went into the practice room and got on with rehearsing. Instead of playing the same old stuff, we sight-read heaps of new music, we got SO EXCITED!!!! 😀 Then I had the idea of taking a photo to post on our Pluck & Strum Facebook page (if you are on FB, please look up the page and give us a like! 😀 ). We spent the following fifteen minutes trying to take a selfie, it was so difficult holding the phone plus the music plus the guitar, getting the harp and our faces in the shot … omg and then he said to pull a silly face so I poked my tongue out, and one of my eyes got cut off and it was just hilarious, I nearly had tears in my eyes :’) The resulting photo of XXX and I being excited about new music:

Selfie with Darryn lol_01MayWhat a freak, seriously (him) 😛 Also, I quite like his teeth.

After rehearsal he had to get going to a meeting at a school he’ll be starting to teach at (as a guitar tutor) and as he didn’t have his car, he was going to take the train there, but me being me (i.e. his best friend and also the nicest person ever, but really just being soooo in love with him), I offered to drive him there. So off we went. As we were running early, we decided to eat first. We ate in a park some wraps that his mum had prepared. There I told him how my sister’s friends had just broken up (after being together for like 10 years) because she didn’t want kids and he did. XXX was like, “I think I’ll want kids in the future.” Great to know 😀 LOL. The real question is, would he have kids with me 😉 and would I with him!!! lol. Probs too early to say.

So after this discussion we were more hungry so we went to the shops to get more food. He spent ages deciding what salads we should put in our shared salad box. Then he started stressing, realising we didn’t have that much time anymore. So off we went to the school. He went to sign the contract; meanwhile I stayed in the car and wrote. 15 or so minutes later, he came back and we went to finish the second part of our lunch. This time we ate it on a patch of grass near the school and then he walked to the station and I headed home.

What a great day 😀 Seriously it is the BEST thing starting my week with him. Laughter guaranteed 😀 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have his guitar at the moment and he said he’d pick it up after dinner but it is nearly 9.30pm!!! O.o Maybe he wants to come late just so he feels too tired to drive home and he can sleep the night here 😉 lol. I’m so hopeless. Actually he probably just had a tonne of stuff to do and will come tomorrow morning to get his guitar. Oh yeah, also, he could simply still not have any petrol to drive here. Ihihihihi in any case, it’s so cool having his guitar at my house, doesn’t it just show how much he trusts and loves me! Ok, you get the point, I’m slightly mad about him!!