I am literally doing my best to stay afloat!!

It’s been a while since I last posted. The best place to pick up is Saturday evening, since XXX came over. We might be performing for the harp camp (happening this week-end) so he came over for a rehearsal on Saturday. However, we first went for a bit of a walk around the golf course. We talked a bit. We actually talked about relationships and how he was feeling about everything between us. He said he still doesn’t want a relationship yet but he thinks it would be fun for him and I to date. The news should have sent me flying but it had the opposite effect. I started to feel quite shy and insecure. What if him and I start a relationship and then we realise actually we are better off as friends? 😦 What if actually he isn’t the right guy for me? What if I have been claiming my love for him all this time (2ish years) and actually it’s not real? What if I hurt him? What if my feelings change? Aaaaaah I am terrified! We also talked about conflict and the difference between healthy fights and bad conflict. It was a good and useful discussion to say the least, and now I know that he is actually considering a relationship with me. The question is, is it the right thing for us? I don’t know yet.

After rehearsing for a bit that night, we had dinner with my dad then watched a bit of tv, but by 10pm we were both incredibly tired so we just slept. He fell asleep SOOO QUICKLY!!!! lol. In the morning we cuddled for a bit before getting breakfast. I love XXX’s face in the morning. Actually I like him without his glasses on and with his hair all crazy. He has got the most beautiful, sweet smile, and the kindest eyes. He is so gentle and I want to be just as gentle with him. Sometimes when I hold and cuddle him I feel like a mum. Very protective and gentle and terrified of harming him.

It was funny because when we went out to breakfast, my host brother aka Cutie Pie was also at the table. I have no idea what he thinks about the whole situation!! lol. What was funnier was that XXX was wearing my pj’s, since he hadn’t brought any with him …

Anyhow, on Sunday I had a normal day of doing chores and on Monday XXX and I had our assessment for chamber music. So I picked him up nice and early and off we went to uni, getting the customary cup of coffee. We rehearsed and then performed for the teachers who marked us. We rehearsed some more after this and then went to have lunch. We got Japanese food and ate it at the park, listening back to our performance (XXX had recorded it on his phone). I dropped him off at uni after this and headed off to start my pet-sitting duty! Later in the afternoon XXX came over (as the house is 5 mins away from uni) and it was settled he’d spend the night with me (yay!). However half his stuff was still at home so we drove to get all his things. At his house, he also had to complete his application for his trip and we spent twenty minutes trying to figure out how to make it work. It was a joyful moment when we got the thing to work, we high fived each other, lol.

Eventually we drove back and had dinner with my older sister and her boyfriend, and at 10pm we drove them to the bus station. Woohoo then we were all alone at the house! (Well, with the dogs and cat). We just went to bed and cuddled each other because the house is absolutely freaking FREEZING!!!

In the morning we barely talked because I had to rush off to work early and he had to get going to his visa meeting. I feel like a part of me also felt really shy for some reason, like, it felt too much like a relationship maybe that we were in a house just the two of us, and that we’d slept together??? O.o I don’t know. Feelings can be bloody weird sometimes.

I saw him briefly yesterday when I went to drop his things off back at his home. Everything just felt normal again, yay. Maybe because I had more energy and time, too. So yeah that’s things with XXX!!!! 😀

Everything is going so very well with Cutie Pie though. I love him so much as well!!! He fits right into my family which is awesome. The best though, is that him and I tease each other ALL the time. I have started to call him scumbag (it happened very randomly); he mostly laughs at everything at say. Also he often punches my arm or kicks me lightly – typical brotherly love I’m guessing? (I’ve never had a brother so I wouldn’t know, lol). Sometimes he also touches my hair (I secretly adore when he does that). We talk a lot, laugh a fair amount, look at each other a great deal. Obviously I’m still in love with his eyes and I actually touch his hair as well, in fact it’s just as soft and smooth as I always dreamt it. lol. It’s his birthday this Saturday but I won’t be there due to harp camp 😥

I really have very bizarre feelings. XXX is my best friend and I feel very attracted to him and it’s almost always felt like he was sort of my boyfriend, in the way we have been treating each other. But then I sort of have a crush on Cutie Pie and if he wanted to I would certainly kiss him. If I were in a relationship with XXX now, would my feelings be the same for Cutie Pie? Is it fundamentally wrong to feel attracted to two people at once?


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