future.

If there’s one thing I’m happy about right now, it’s that XXX has been messaging me every day since he arrived in California (which was 3 days ago). I’m so happy he is keeping in touch, yay! We chatted for something like five minutes today because it was time for him to sleep (there’s a huge time difference). The sort of bad news is that he likes the place so much already that he wants to live there, and he’s already made up his mind to go back to California around the same time next year. That didn’t make me as depressed as one would except, for the reason that he said I should come with him. Actually, that he said that made me exceedingly happy. Obviously, he loves me! lol. I’m not sure how serious he’s being. On one hand it seems a little silly for him to take this view of America so soon – I wonder if he’s not a little taken by the idea of the “American dream” and there are lots of things he is not seeing? On the other, a part of me isn’t surprised of his reaction or even of his desire to move there next year. Maybe a part of me even was waiting for it. I know he isn’t joking when he says the place is very beautiful so I don’t see why he would joke about living there in the future.

But now that brings the question of me. Would I settle in California with him next year? It sounds so weird put that way. First of all, XXX and I have never even lived together, so how would that work? What if I gave up everything I have here, travel there, and after a month or two realise hang on, we are way better off as friends than as partners?! (But a part of me is going – seriously, you are worried about THAT?!). Actually I sort of have a good feeling about living with XXX. Also, I trust his opinion that California is a nice place. We tend to agree on how beautiful nature is.

The real question is what would I do in California? Would it be safe to move there without a job already settled? How do I get my pedal harp across the ocean? Can I keep doing my online course or should I give up everything altogether and start a new, fresh life? Mmm actually, XXX would still want us to do music so harp will still be a big part of my life.

So that’s all interesting. XXX has some funny ideas sometimes! He wants us to tour Australia and New-Zealand and now he wants us to live in California and get famous there! Oh well, looks like I’m in for the long haul, but as I am 200% in love with him, I won’t complain! 😛

Yesterday I was feeling pretty shitty so I listened to the last radio show he did before going on his exchange and it was just so nice listening to his voice and his little laughter. I am not biased at all when I say his voice sounds so amazing and sexy on radio (lol). The best though is he played a track and after he was like, “special shout to Eliza, that one was for you!” he actually said that ON AIR. I’m sorry but that’s like a love declaration!!! lol. Sigh.

Today I went for a walk and I just thought about him coz I walked where we always walk. XXX is my best friend forever and I love him to bits and I can’t wait to see him again!!! 😀

lyf.

Good evening everyone!
Holy moly I have not blogged for ten days! I think that might be a record … I have been just as busy as usual: teaching lots, driving around, working, volunteering here and there, meditating a little every day, exercising, doing chores etc etc.

Tomorrow, XXX is going on a six week exchange to the USA. Hopefully I will have some time in the morning to see him before he goes in the evening. I have not seen much of him recently, he has been so busy organising his trip. I actually went to his place on Wednesday night and it was so amazingly cool. We had dinner together and we were just having the most lame and hilarious conversations, I swear sometimes I laugh so hard that I get tears in my eyes. We are always personifying objects and it’s just too funny. After dinner we watched a bit of the Insurgent movie and after that we slept. In the morning he cooked us some poached eggs and then we both went our separate ways. One thing I cherish and appreciate with XXX is how the most low-key things we do are truly amazing anyway. Like, it was so bloody nice being in my pj’s curled up in bed next to him and watched a movie on his small laptop. No need to go on expensive dates or anything. I absolutely love that. It also makes me think that we would make a good couple because we are truly ourselves and it’s never about showing off or trying to impress each other. Also, sharing a bed with him is so much fun and when I was trying to fall asleep with him by my side, it’s like I could almost imagine myself in a few years’ time as his wife … lol. Honestly though, we have the most fun doing absolutely nothing, it’s so cool! 😀 But now he is off and I won’t see him for six long weeks … although I hope we’ll Skype a few times!

Things with Cutie Pie have been just as great as usual, too. He keeps teasing me a lot – I’m actually quite used to it now. He is so very sweet and nice, I love having him around. Sometimes he comes in my room and asks what I’m doing; other times he asks me sort of a personal question … other times he talks to me about his day or his opinion on a particular thing. But most of the time though, he finds me and does this thing he calls “headlock”, where he wraps his arm tightly around my neck and pretty much keeps me “locked” in his arm, and of course I try to fight myself free … yesterday something amazing happened, he actually wrote me a letter ….! :’) I will definitely keep it forever! He does surprising things, sometimes. I do have some sort of physical crush on him, after all he is so handsome and cute. Except I was stalking his FB profile earlier tonight and I saw a photo of him being kissed by two other girls (one girl kissing each cheek). So I guess I am not the only one thinking about his good looks!!!! lol. He is leaving Australia in pretty much two weeks 😥 I am going to be SO sad – him and I have really bonded and we do have a close friendship in a way (he once said he tells me ‘everything’). Also it was funny, earlier tonight I had to drive him to a party, and I had put on these colourful socks and I needed shoes to go outside with, so I just put on slippers coz I couldn’t think of any other shoe, and he just went, “you look sexy” as a joke, lol.

I guess I’ll mention one other thing. Today I went to church – a spiritualist church. It turns out this church meets twice a week three minutes away from my house (coincidentally, it meets at the school Cutie Pie is currently attending!!). I found about this church earlier this week when I googled “spiritualist” and it couldn’t get out of my head. I thought I’d go to see what it’s like. It also just turned out that my afternoon harp student cancelled her lesson this morning, which meant I had my whole afternoon free. The service went on for 1h15mins or so. Started with some singing and a short prayer, more singing, we did a little meditation, then was the sermon, more singing, and after that the medium (who had done the sermon), did a few personal readings for people. She would pick someone in the congregation and I guess connect to Spirit, and whatever message she was receiving about those people, she would tell them out loud. These messages seemed to resonate with some people. It was fairly interesting. What I enjoyed the most was definitely her sermon, which can be summarised as simply, “be there for others”. I also liked that she talked about the Universe (rather than say, a god). It’s weird how language can used can make such a difference, but I guess for me God is a person/human figure (which I don’t believe in), whereas the Universe is this huge, infinite, mystical force that has neither shape nor form – it is the air itself! But of course, I guess God is, to God-believers, the same as my Universe (i.e. they have the same function, or have the same effect). I am not sure I will be able to go there again as usually I teach in the afternoons, and the other time they meet is on Tuesday nights, and I have Rotary then … so we’ll see what happens!

And so that’s it from me I think.

Actually, one more thing. I am very tired. All the time. And I have eye bags. All the time. I feel like I haven’t slept well in days, even do I do sleep quite well, and sometimes for quite a long time (I slept 8 hours last night, that should be enough, right?). I feel so low on energy, I yawn, and this week it’s been so difficult trying to move (i.e. work-out), which is surprising because I am usually quite motivated to get moving. This week I feel completely depleted and I feel like I’ve been feeling this way for quite some time now. I wonder if I’m low on iron? As I used to be low on iron at the beginning of the year … but I honestly don’t know what I can do feel better. I am not as busy as I have been the last few months. I don’t sleep particularly late, nor do I wake up particularly early. I have a good diet (I think). I try to exercise a bit, usually I work-out almost every working day of the week (although this week I haven’t). So I don’t know! I’m trying not to worry but it’s hard when you feel so tired, and look it as well (I look so ugly 😥 ). Hopefully I feel better soon.

best relationships :D

It’s so good to be on holidays! And in a fortnight I’ll be even more on holidays because school will be out! Can’t wait. 😀

Anyhow, a few things have happened since my last post. On Monday night, Cutie Pie went to a Rotary meeting that I didn’t go to (because I really couldn’t be bothered). When he was gone, I wrote him a letter, it was sort of angry because I was a bit pissed off he felt ok reading my secret diaries and coming up with lame excuses for not writing me a diary in return (perhaps a lame reason to get frustrated, but I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with a number of other things). When he got back home, he came into my room, and I accidently told him about the letter (I hadn’t planned on actually giving it to him). He read it there in my room while I stayed lying on my bed. His reaction though totally took me by surprise – to this day, I still can’t believe it. I was lying on my tummy and so he sat down next to me and put his hand on my shoulder (omg!!! :’) ). He even ruffled my hair (omg2 :’) ) and he was soooooooooooo gentle. He just said he hadn’t meant anything in any bad way and that’d he stop reading my diaries and that he’d write me one. Actually, his kindness and love moved me so much my eyes got watery. It was almost so weird because I am so used to him roasting me (he calls me scumbag usually, lol). So I was so surprised, especially considering the things I had said in my letter might have hurt him or annoyed him?? But instead of walking off mad he instead took the route of forgiveness and gentleness! He’s definitely someone quite special. Later that night I went in his room and we rested next to each other on his bed and watched funny videos on YouTube from his phone. I really wanted to snuggle up to him and hold onto him, maybe because I was freezing and he was so warm, and also maybe because I was so grateful he reacted so well to my letter. I sort of like Cutie Pie a lot!

On Tuesday I did my work out in the late afternoon. When I started working out in the living room, Cutie Pie wouldn’t stop staring at me which made me annoyed (I felt he was judging me so hard, lol); obviously he was highly entertained by my sporty moves. However he again took me by surprise and he did the entire work-out with me, it was actually pretty fun 😀 We spent the rest of the evening teasing each other and he taught me a bit of boxing as well (we were punching each other). Oh yeah and also after dinner he came into my room and asked me about my ex’s. I told him most of what I could remember (lol). He had homework to do so he left but after a while he came back into my room, he looked so restless and fidgetty I felt like there was something he wanted to say or do but nothing happened. Then we went into his room and we sang a round, it was SO COOL!!! And I was like, “I just wanna chill … netflix and chill … but there’s no netflix in your room …” and he was like, “that’s a shame …” LOL. Ok I don’t know why I brought up Netflix and also I have no idea if Cutie Pie actually knows what the phrase Netflix and chill actually means!!! omg what if he does!!!

Yesterday morning we had breakfast at the same time and again he was just being annoying, playing music I absolutely hate. He left for school at 8.30am and right before he got onto his bike, he extended out his hand towards my face. I almost thought he was about to stroke my cheek. But no, he just slapped me. lol. When he came home from school yesterday we listened to music and then he found my YouTube channel and started watching my video about Intuition in front of me, and that pissed me off, again it made me feel uncomfortable because I keep thinking he was watching it to laugh at my face!!! So I tried to grab his phone off him and obviously he extends his arm so far that I can’t reach. So then I pretty much sit on him (lol, not quite) and tickle him and my face was so close to his and we were just staring into each other’s eyes and omg, I still think he has the most beautiful eyes in the history of the world!!!!!!!!!! And he was obviously ENJOYING seeing me frustrated and annoyed by him – why does he like this so much?! Jeeeeez!!!! Anyway, after battling him for a bit I got hold of his phone and ran to his room and flopped on the bed, and then he pretty much jumped on top of me – jeez like his body was actually on mine! and I thought to myself, “please don’t fart on me” and as soon as he got off me he was like, “i farted on you” LOL. Sorry for the immaturity of this blog, Cutie Pie is only 18 and I am only 22 😛 Sigh.

So that’s pretty much all of it, actually. I just can’t believe how much he teases me and I just don’t know why or how but we are almost always touching each other … like, sometimes he walks past and puts his hands on my shoulders. Or he’s always punching my arm. When he annoys me I like to slap his face or tickle him. Other times when we battle each other we hold each other and see who is the strongest. Sometimes I pretend to kick him but he always grabs me by the ankle, and so it goes, and so it goes … He’s definitely a character and I swear that when our faces get really close I sort of want to kiss him!!! It’s insane!!! But what if he feels the way I do? Surely he wouldn’t be annoying me half as much if he didn’t like me in some sort of physical crush … so I can’t help wondering about that. Even this morning I was making my bed and he came in and undid everything I had done, lol. Then to get him back I punched him and to get me back for the punch, he punched me as well, but his was an actual proper punch, so I won’t be surprised tomorrow when I see a bruise.

It’s cool how 90% of the time we are just trying to get each other really mad. I call him scumbag, he calls me scumbag. We are always roasting each other and laughing at each other. We are actually quite mean to each other but then it’s not meanness, since it’s not serious. But then what’s cool is that sometimes we also have deep and meaningful convos and the best though is that we can both be so loving and kind and gentle to each other, and he definitely successfully demonstrated this on Monday night. Cutie Pie is SO COOL!!! And I definitely have a crush on him (didn’t I always, sort of?).

As for XXX, we went out last night for dinner, it was completely unplanned, which was nice. Again, his spontaneous side comes to the surface. It was so nice seeing him, he’s got the most gorgeous smile. And after all, he is and always will be, my best friend! We went to Grilld (a burger restaurant) and when we were looking for a table he went, “oh let’s sit here, that’s our spot!” except he got the table wrong, lol. It made me lol so hard, like he was trying to be romantic but completely failing. lol. We talked about the future and our visions for it, and we both said that by the time we are 41 years old, we would like a family. However it was very unclear whether we want to have a family TOGETHER or not … that was definitely the unsaid thing and you could even feel it in the air! lol coz it’s so weird, he says, “I’d like a family” and I go, “oh yeah, me too” and it’s like … awkward silence. lol. Well, not awkward silence but … so that was a short evening out with XXX. I was actually a bit distracted because of Cutie Pie, who I was still thinking of, and I was waiting for a message from him. But XXX and I also talked about touring and we made bad jokes, like we said it’d be good to stay 3-4 days in each city we give a concert in, to give us time to sight-see, and then I was like, “but we’ll probably just end up doing netflix and chill” and he agreed (lol) and so we laughed about how we would tell people we saw whatever city through the window of the hotel room. Anyway, him and I always have the lamest conversations, we always say how weirded out people would be if they heard us talk. lol.

So now I am patiently waiting for Cutie Pie to get home from school! :’) I wonder what sort of evil things he is going to do to me this afternoon …

stuffs (coz I couldn’t think of a more inspirational title).

It feels so weird to have free time that I am wondering if there is something I have forgotten about doing … lol. Free time stresses me out!!! Anyway. In this post I’m just gonna ramble on about Cutie Pie and XXX and also spirituality and other interesting things …

So Cutie Pie is currently living at my place for the last quarter of his exchange, in fact he now only has a few weeks left here 😥 He has been SO ANNOYING though – not in the bad way, but always teasing me, making fun of me, and generally trying to get on my nerves. Seriously!!!!! It just doesn’t stop. For example, when I was working on my essay last week, he came over and typed heaps of numbers into my essay document (like, 60 pages) so I had to delete everything afterwards, which took me ages since some numbers had somehow wound their way into my references. Sometimes he wraps his arm around my neck (coz he’s taller than me) and holds me down like that until I wriggle myself free. The other night he even tried to lift me up but considering I am so heavy he struggled to and I hit my side against the window, now I have a huge bruise. Last night also we were watching the finals of Roland-Garros and he slipped my shoes under the couch, then he also sat in a way so that his foot was really close to my face, and then we started fighting and he pretty much was lying across me and punching my leg playfully. It just doesn’t stop.

The worst though, is that one night he came into my room while I was writing and he caught a glimpse of all my diaries. He thought it would be a good idea to read one my diaries. So he picked one up and of course, being secret diaries, I tried to get it out of his hand. As soon as I had my diary back though, he’d just pick another one up. AHHHH. And every time I was yelling at him to give it back to me, and he was just smiling, content and proud that I was getting annoyed at him. Eventually I thought, if I stop responding to his teasing, he’ll stop. So that is what I did. He took one of my diaries and I just said, “fine”. Didn’t go quite as planned coz he started to read the diary. And this was my GUY DIARY (i.e. everything to do with my relationships with guys). And obviously there was not just a hell lot about XXX (things he probably didn’t really wanna know), but there were bits about him as well, including how handsome I think he is and how sometimes I want to kiss him! HE READ ALL OF IT, in front of my own eyes too … jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. So now he knows everything of what I think of him!!!!

Last night after dinner I was cleaning up the dishes and I saw him walking away in the direction of my room and he just looked so suspicious that I followed him. He started running, he was obviously going into my room, probably to steal another one of my diaries. Obviously as soon as he got into my room he closed the door behind him and put all his weight against it so that I couldn’t open it. Seriously, that is how Cutie Pie treats me ALL. THE. TIME. I wonder what will happen this afternoon …

As for XXX, everything is going absolutely perfectly well. :’) Haven’t seen that much of him actually. Now that the semester is over, we don’t rehearse on Monday mornings anymore. I went to his place on Saturday night though, he invited me for dinner, as he cooked. He made this pork roast with potatoes, it was quite yummy. I was so tired on Saturday though, that when I reached his place I just went to lie down on his bed and we chatted for a bit. Then we had dinner and after dinner I suggested we have a hot chocolate and watch a movie. He was like, “ah, you’re my best friend!!!” lol. He made me a hot chocolate and we watched Beauty and the Beast in his bedroom. We were snuggled up one against the other, it was just so cute and nice – he even had lit up this little candle. We brushed our teeth and after the movie we went to bed, and we had the most interesting conversations about spirituality and dreams and relationships, and also had the most hilarious conversation about something so random and ridiculous that I won’t bother writing about here. But omg, we were both laughing so hard, and I had tears in my eyes…!!!! :’) On Sunday morning I left super early for choir and he was still sleeping. So that’s it.

I have begun this psychic mediumship program online. It involves listening to 3 videos a week about spirituality, doing an invocation every morning, a meditation every day and also you have to write a reflection about something interesting that’s happened in a day (on the day you write it). I am so excited! The meditations are guided which make it so much easier. I’m looking forward to learning more and getting more serious about all this spiritual stuff – I’ve been meaning to do it for a long time!

On Thursday night I had a bit of an emotional breakdown, I cried for like an hour. I was just thinking about the Somalian children and the Somalian father and mother. I miss the family so much (especially the children), which is a hard enough thing on its own to deal with. But on Thursday I also just started thinking what pain that family is currently enduring. Like the children, not seeing their dad anymore? Changing schools? Changing house? How are they coping with all these sudden changes? I’m scared they are feeling a bit lost!! And what about losing me? Has that had any effect on them? Do they miss me? I worry that they are in pain or unhappy … 😦 and I worry about the mum … her English was even worse than her husband’s. How is she coping with the change, with looking after 5 children on her own?? And what about the dad, not knowing where his children are??? Not knowing how his children are? Being forced to live all alone …?
I think about that family and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that everyone must be in some kind of pain!!!! That makes me tremendously sad. If I think hard enough about them, it is like I can feel their pain, then that really gets me to tears. And also I worry because if they are in pain, and they are isolated, or lonely, well that isn’t a healthy path for any of them. That can lead to very bad outcomes … :/

I guess for me Thursday night was a bit weird because I guess I realised I wasn’t just crying for my pain, but for theirs too. It’s happened also that when watching the news and hearing about terrorist attacks or the war in Syria or Iraq or wherever, I get a knot in my throat thinking about the pain some people endure. There was also the time my mother was saying good-bye to her sister (it was the end of the holidays and we had to get back home) and I was close to tears, not because I was sad that I had to say good-bye to my auntie, but because my mum’s sadness at having to leave her sister was so great that I could feel it myself. Sometimes I guess I wonder if I have a greater sense of empathy than others because seriously, no one else in family got as sad as me when mum hugged her sister.

It reminds me what Cutie Pie said yesterday … well, I can’t remember his exact words now but he said that I don’t really make much sense. Like, I am a very sensitive person (I think he’s realised that as well) but he said it doesn’t make sense that I get so much responsibility or something – like, being youth director of my club or vice-president of the harp society, or that I’m already quite a respected harpist and harp teacher in my community … I think what he was getting at is that it can be very hard – emotionally – to do the sorts of things I do (maybe?). And so why would you do it. But, in my perspective, my empathy (assuming I do have it) is one of my greatest strength. And while it is painful to feel the pain of others at times, it is also what enables me to think of how to make them feel better, and to offer friendship and love in times of need.

weird stuffs.

For those of you who have been following my blog for a long time (over 8 months), you might remember me writing about five children who I tutored as a volunteer for 1.5years. In November last year, my volunteering journey with them abruptly stopped and I never got explanations for why that was. (I had driven to the house as usual but no one was home, and no one picked up the phone. It seemed they had just DISAPPEARED and I never heard from either parent since).

I had formed a very close bond with the 4 oldest children – how could I not when I saw them every week for close to 3h each time! Not being able to see them anymore was very sad for me and I still feel a sense of heartbreak when I think about it. Especially because I know nothing of where they are and how they are now.

I think about the children literally every single day. And there have been times when I’ve felt joy. Like the time I opened my drawer – the one in which all my diaries and any special objects go – and I found a science homework sheet with the oldest boy’s name written on it. I couldn’t remember him giving it to me, but there, I had something from those children! :’) And also that one time my mum and I were hanging out at the laudromat and I was telling her about my phone camera and how bad it is, and to show her I went in my gallery and there, a photo of the two eldest boys!!! Again, had totally forgotten that photo existed since I had taken it so long ago! I have now put this photo as my screen background so whenever I switch on my phone I get to see the boys! (That is how much I LOVED them).

Evidently, whenever I think about them it sort of turns into a prayer to the Universe, where I ask the Universe to look after them, make sure they are safe, protect them, etc. Also I ask the Universe to bring them into my life again, to make our paths cross. I desperately want to see these children again.

Then last week, I received an email from my Rotary club president, and it had some photos attached. And would you believe it, one of the photos was of the girl and her younger brother!!!!!!! I nearly cried when I saw the photo! Basically there was a day last year that the Somalian parents had asked me to come for lunch and bring three other guests, so I had asked my club president to come along, and he’d taken some photos, and he only sent them to me last week!!! A year later!!! How WEIRD is that!!!! And then I realised something. I had been telling the Universe all this time, “please can I see them again” and actually, the Universe had given me photos, so in a way, I AM seeing them! How amazing is that. Not just photos, but also dreams – for they appear so regularly in my dreams (even though the dreams are always so very depressing).

And earlier this week I wrote the Universe a letter again asking for guidance on helping me find the children. I asked for signs, for voices, for symbols – anything.

Today, on the 7th of June, after complete silence from the family for the past 8 months, the FATHER RANG ME.

I can’t tell you how BAFFLED I am. How WEIRD this all is. Did the Universe hear me? Obviously it must have! Well, the father isn’t the key to finding the children but that is another story. I still find it absolutely weird that this happened. I mean, what even!!! Is anyone else super surprised?
Anyway, that’s all for today, thanks for tuning in …. I might have to ask the Universe what to do because I’m confused as hell!!