stuffs (coz I couldn’t think of a more inspirational title).

It feels so weird to have free time that I am wondering if there is something I have forgotten about doing … lol. Free time stresses me out!!! Anyway. In this post I’m just gonna ramble on about Cutie Pie and XXX and also spirituality and other interesting things …

So Cutie Pie is currently living at my place for the last quarter of his exchange, in fact he now only has a few weeks left here 😥 He has been SO ANNOYING though – not in the bad way, but always teasing me, making fun of me, and generally trying to get on my nerves. Seriously!!!!! It just doesn’t stop. For example, when I was working on my essay last week, he came over and typed heaps of numbers into my essay document (like, 60 pages) so I had to delete everything afterwards, which took me ages since some numbers had somehow wound their way into my references. Sometimes he wraps his arm around my neck (coz he’s taller than me) and holds me down like that until I wriggle myself free. The other night he even tried to lift me up but considering I am so heavy he struggled to and I hit my side against the window, now I have a huge bruise. Last night also we were watching the finals of Roland-Garros and he slipped my shoes under the couch, then he also sat in a way so that his foot was really close to my face, and then we started fighting and he pretty much was lying across me and punching my leg playfully. It just doesn’t stop.

The worst though, is that one night he came into my room while I was writing and he caught a glimpse of all my diaries. He thought it would be a good idea to read one my diaries. So he picked one up and of course, being secret diaries, I tried to get it out of his hand. As soon as I had my diary back though, he’d just pick another one up. AHHHH. And every time I was yelling at him to give it back to me, and he was just smiling, content and proud that I was getting annoyed at him. Eventually I thought, if I stop responding to his teasing, he’ll stop. So that is what I did. He took one of my diaries and I just said, “fine”. Didn’t go quite as planned coz he started to read the diary. And this was my GUY DIARY (i.e. everything to do with my relationships with guys). And obviously there was not just a hell lot about XXX (things he probably didn’t really wanna know), but there were bits about him as well, including how handsome I think he is and how sometimes I want to kiss him! HE READ ALL OF IT, in front of my own eyes too … jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. So now he knows everything of what I think of him!!!!

Last night after dinner I was cleaning up the dishes and I saw him walking away in the direction of my room and he just looked so suspicious that I followed him. He started running, he was obviously going into my room, probably to steal another one of my diaries. Obviously as soon as he got into my room he closed the door behind him and put all his weight against it so that I couldn’t open it. Seriously, that is how Cutie Pie treats me ALL. THE. TIME. I wonder what will happen this afternoon …

As for XXX, everything is going absolutely perfectly well. :’) Haven’t seen that much of him actually. Now that the semester is over, we don’t rehearse on Monday mornings anymore. I went to his place on Saturday night though, he invited me for dinner, as he cooked. He made this pork roast with potatoes, it was quite yummy. I was so tired on Saturday though, that when I reached his place I just went to lie down on his bed and we chatted for a bit. Then we had dinner and after dinner I suggested we have a hot chocolate and watch a movie. He was like, “ah, you’re my best friend!!!” lol. He made me a hot chocolate and we watched Beauty and the Beast in his bedroom. We were snuggled up one against the other, it was just so cute and nice – he even had lit up this little candle. We brushed our teeth and after the movie we went to bed, and we had the most interesting conversations about spirituality and dreams and relationships, and also had the most hilarious conversation about something so random and ridiculous that I won’t bother writing about here. But omg, we were both laughing so hard, and I had tears in my eyes…!!!! :’) On Sunday morning I left super early for choir and he was still sleeping. So that’s it.

I have begun this psychic mediumship program online. It involves listening to 3 videos a week about spirituality, doing an invocation every morning, a meditation every day and also you have to write a reflection about something interesting that’s happened in a day (on the day you write it). I am so excited! The meditations are guided which make it so much easier. I’m looking forward to learning more and getting more serious about all this spiritual stuff – I’ve been meaning to do it for a long time!

On Thursday night I had a bit of an emotional breakdown, I cried for like an hour. I was just thinking about the Somalian children and the Somalian father and mother. I miss the family so much (especially the children), which is a hard enough thing on its own to deal with. But on Thursday I also just started thinking what pain that family is currently enduring. Like the children, not seeing their dad anymore? Changing schools? Changing house? How are they coping with all these sudden changes? I’m scared they are feeling a bit lost!! And what about losing me? Has that had any effect on them? Do they miss me? I worry that they are in pain or unhappy … 😦 and I worry about the mum … her English was even worse than her husband’s. How is she coping with the change, with looking after 5 children on her own?? And what about the dad, not knowing where his children are??? Not knowing how his children are? Being forced to live all alone …?
I think about that family and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that everyone must be in some kind of pain!!!! That makes me tremendously sad. If I think hard enough about them, it is like I can feel their pain, then that really gets me to tears. And also I worry because if they are in pain, and they are isolated, or lonely, well that isn’t a healthy path for any of them. That can lead to very bad outcomes … :/

I guess for me Thursday night was a bit weird because I guess I realised I wasn’t just crying for my pain, but for theirs too. It’s happened also that when watching the news and hearing about terrorist attacks or the war in Syria or Iraq or wherever, I get a knot in my throat thinking about the pain some people endure. There was also the time my mother was saying good-bye to her sister (it was the end of the holidays and we had to get back home) and I was close to tears, not because I was sad that I had to say good-bye to my auntie, but because my mum’s sadness at having to leave her sister was so great that I could feel it myself. Sometimes I guess I wonder if I have a greater sense of empathy than others because seriously, no one else in family got as sad as me when mum hugged her sister.

It reminds me what Cutie Pie said yesterday … well, I can’t remember his exact words now but he said that I don’t really make much sense. Like, I am a very sensitive person (I think he’s realised that as well) but he said it doesn’t make sense that I get so much responsibility or something – like, being youth director of my club or vice-president of the harp society, or that I’m already quite a respected harpist and harp teacher in my community … I think what he was getting at is that it can be very hard – emotionally – to do the sorts of things I do (maybe?). And so why would you do it. But, in my perspective, my empathy (assuming I do have it) is one of my greatest strength. And while it is painful to feel the pain of others at times, it is also what enables me to think of how to make them feel better, and to offer friendship and love in times of need.

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