studying, career & relationships

I really should have slept in this morning, why on earth did I put set an alarm. Moral of the story is that it’s 3:20pm, and I’m feeling too tired and sleepy to do anymore essay research. So I’m taking a break and blogging!

I have started another blog by the way: Community Development Ideas & Discussion. It’s really just a tool for me to study, practice my writing skills, think about the issues I am faced with in my studies. In the future I hope also to use the blog to reflect on my practice as a community worker (I can already do some reflection on my volunteer work I guess), and perhaps write some decent posts about specific issues. At the moment I am doing textbook questions and posting them online, lol.

In fact I am becoming the biggest nerd, but this trimester at university has to be the most fascinating one. I am taking a unit about humanitarian resettlement, and anyone who knows me knows I feel passionate about the refugee and asylum thing. Doing an actual unit forces me to spend time reading and getting informed – yay! Plus I can better understand the situation of the families I work with. My other unit is about community development theory and practice, and again I have been able to analyse my current work as vice-president of the harp society in light of my studies. I love that I am able to make clear connections with my studies and my work. I think that’s the whole point but it wasn’t happening when I was studying music. So I have started reading this textbook just out of my own will, plus I have already pretty much completed all the research for one of my first essays, and I even started writing it! I feel on track with my studies for now, which is a huge relief.

Yesterday I Skyped with XXX and it was super fun. I can’t believe he will be back here on Sunday already; those six weeks have gone so quick. I can’t wait to see him again!!! My bestie!!! He’s been enjoying himself in LA but I think he is ready to come back home now. On Sunday (a few hours after landing), him and I, as well as his guitar teacher and his wife, are meeting up in a church to start recording our album (his teacher & wife will be recording us), so that’ll be fun, and the next day XXX and I are back to rehearsing at university in the mornings on Mondays! 😀 Fun times.

Last week I sent XXX a meme and made a lame comment/joke like, “y u no dating me” , which then led him to ask me if I would in fact date him. (I was NOT expecting him to ask me that!) I told him I think about it, and he told me he also thinks about it; we both are wondering the same things about dating each other. These include: what would dating be like, would it work, are we better off as friends? I cannot tell you how much time I spend daydreaming about being XXX’s partner … I love him so much and he is my best friend, and he feels like family, and we have so much fun together! Plus our friendship has often felt like a relationship to me, to such an extent that I feel a relationship wouldn’t feel THAT much different to the current state of things. So I don’t know. I will give XXX the diary I have been writing in, and also some time to think things through, and I am sure one day we will have a long chat about it and decide together what is best for each other and for us together. 🙂 On the one hand I’m super excited to think he’s considering dating me, and I’m like thrilled that maybe one day we’ll date but on the other hand I don’t mind giving him the time he needs (coz I think I need it too) and I think it’s nice not to rush into anything.

Last night I attended an event hosted by a local NGO; it was an interview with the CEO and founder of the Asylum Seekers Resource Centre. The interview went for about 1.5h but I could have sat and listened for many more, Kon (the man’s name) is an incredible speaker and the issue is close to my heart. All of what he said resonated with me and it was so nice to be in a room where everyone was like me. More than that, as I was listening to him I could see myself doing the sort of work he does. I have a strong work ethic and when I am passionate about something I will work tirelessly at it; I have pretty good organizational skills (lots of people have said this about me); my leadership skills are developing … I’m not bragging but I know what I’m capable of, and I know if I so desire it I am entirely capable of becoming CEO of something one day as well.

But I have done music all my life and I am in constant demand as a musician. While it’s nice getting work, I don’t want to do it anymore, it’s just not a career suited for me. What’s more, is that now I know for sure what I want to do with my future (working for refugees), I am feeling no motivation to do music anymore. I would rather work with refugees and not get paid, than do music and get paid – I think that says a lot. So I have been reflecting on this today, realizing I am not very happy at the moment because I do too much music (which I don’t enjoy doing), and not enough work that actually speaks to my heart. At least next year should hopefully be a little different, since I am cutting back on the gigs I am taking on (I have actually refused quite a number of them already) and I am also refusing any new students. My professional music website will get deleted. Little by little the music world shall forget me! Yay! However, XXX and I ARE doing an album this year and WILL do a tour and I’m just not sure what that means for me …

But obviously this has also made me question whether XXX and I should enter in a relationship (that dreaded question!). It becomes clearer to me that my career should have either nothing, or very little, to do with music (unless I integrate both music and community development). I am not saying a relationship is doomed to fail when the two people have different careers, merely, what if our careers decide to keep us separated? (i.e. he finds himself travelling around on tours, or he keeps wanting to go elsewhere to record his albums or for gigs; or what if I one day get a job that requires me to move to a developing country or refugee camp)? I mean – what would be the point of being in a relationship if we are not even together in person?! Then I have been having the worry of what if he likes me less for quitting music? 😦 That’s a terrible thought! It makes me cry!

Well these are challenging times trying to figure out your career and how to get there when you already have sort of a career and you are respected in your field already. I shouldn’t have worked so hard at music, lol. But maybe if I hadn’t I’d never have met XXX. I wonder what the future has in store – I am actually a little terrified 😦


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